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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Babysitting for free for working neighbour

164 replies

Grump1 · 20/12/2017 01:31

My neighbour works shifts and can usually her OH can cover weekends - but not always so I get asked to babysit always in their house. My DH didn't mind until recently when I was away for eight hours and got no thank you text (and certainly no small treat handed in). The following weekend the same but while I thought both adults were working in fact neighbour's OH was on a very long night out with his friends. I had been led to believe he was at work. Does it matter? My DH thinks I should expect them to pay as it allows them to take the better paid weekend shifts. How do I convey this to them after helping out for free for the last four years or so. The children are getting older and more of a handful. My own are now independent and I was a STAHM so got the t-shirt. Also sounds petty but when I babysat for friends alway got left treat for supper and thanked next day but babysitting in return. This is one way. Childminders and nurseries don't work for people on weekend and night shift. What do others do?

OP posts:
ChocolateWombat · 20/12/2017 10:07

It is also worth seeing this from their viewpoint too.
Yes, they were cheeky and have been cheeky for years.....but OP has gone along with it, so in their eyes, she is probably perfectly happy with the situation and perhaps even enjoying it. They are clearly wrong, but because she hasn't said so and her actions have suggested she's happy to do it, they have simply continued with the requests. Sounds like the way lots of people treat their parents who do lots of free babysitting - perhaps neighbour sees OP like this - as a sort of substitute parent who can be taken advantage of, but who is happy to be taken advantage of.

It would be good to be able to maintain good relations. Op can either be brutally honest here that she's pissed off about it all, or simply back off firmly and politely 'Just to let you know, I've been thinking ahead to the new year and am starting to make some plans,which mean I'm not going to be able to keep babysitting for you like I have been. I've enjoyed doing it and I know it's been really helpful for you over all these years, but I want to have my time free for other things now. I know we will always be friends and still see each other and I'll enjoy seeing the children still. Still okay to sit tomorrow/next week, but will stop in New Year.'

OP can decide if to say no more babysitting or just a very reduced amount - the latter might be difficult to stick to.

Behindtheyellowline · 20/12/2017 10:07

what a load of bollocks.

wednesdayswench · 20/12/2017 10:10

They are continuing to take advantage of you because you are kettles by them.

Say 'no'

This arrangement no longer suits me, I cannot look after your children anymore.

End. Of. Story.

Bowerbird5 · 20/12/2017 10:16

Yeah OP I was a bit of a soft touch too. You start with the short term that turns into long term . I was a childminder too charging when a friend and daughters went dancing together asked to drop her off in morning as it was icy for elderly mum to drive to our village. It went on all year. One bottle of wine at the end which mum didn't even bother to get out of the car to come and give me. I did manage to get her to take DD to dancing once when I was ill but the second time I tried it she was full of excuses about going to cousins after. The cousins went dancing every week and they were in shows together, knew each other well.
I would use the New Year as a change. A little note through the door saying after date of last babysit you won't be able to do it.
Put New Year = New Me! Good luck.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/12/2017 10:46

I can completely understand how this happened to you. I was in a similar situation.
But the relief when i ended it was immense. It's entirely their problem that they cannot recognise your generousity and only see it as something to be exploited. Don't be an unpaid servant for these creeps anymore.
You wanted to be neighbourly and it started as a small and occasional favour. Yet they've somehow got you feeling that you are being "petty" to complain!
THIS IS NOT FRIENDSHIP They consider your time to have no value. and theirs to use as they please. As a SAHM you have sacrificed paid employment for your own family and reasons. Not to subsidize theirs. What about your own life, your own family and your own weekends.?
I bet all their requests are dressed as "an emergency, we cant get anyone to cover this awkward time." But after 4 years, nothing is an emergency. NOTHING. They know their shifts,and their employers do not call parents with children in at the last moment. If you are not getting notice, its because they want to reduce the chances of you saying no.
To stiffen your resolve try looking at adverts for childcare of the type they get from you for nothing. Add up how much you would have earnt over 4 years. Enough for a holiday? something nice for your kids? That's how much they are saving and spending on themselves.

If they have done an occasional favour it is nothing compared to what you have done.
I predict this will be very hard for you to end it. But you must do it. and don't give them a notice period.. they will use that to make you feel even worse. Whatever you do, don't confess in advance. They will be angry a free service is being taken away from them . But I am betting that when this burden has been lifted from you - it will be so worth it.

I'd write a very simple letter saying that for personal reasons you are no longer able to continue the arrangement and that they must find alternative childcare. Don't apologise. Don't explain. They are responsbile for their children/jobs not you. If you have to, do the last "shift" without saying anything and give them the letter the next morning, that will give them some notice period. Don't let them brow beat you. Good luck

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/12/2017 10:51

ps. Childminders do work for people on the weekend, when people pay them to do it! There is always childcare available if they look. But why is that your problem. It is theirs! I wouldn't babysit for them again ever. They won't stop asking. You have to draw the line and take the consequences. Get DH to bloomin well back you up!!

GoReylo · 20/12/2017 10:53

When DH is home I try and wriggle out of babysitting

DH is what sounds odd in that sentence. I might expect "When my boyfriend is around I try to wriggle out of babysitting my little brother for my Mum", something along those lines. But you have no ties to these people. You don't have to try to "wriggle out" of anything! Sorry to say it, but I bet they have no respect for you as a human being. You represent yourself as a doormat and so they use you accordingly.

See your doctor and tell them you have very low self esteem and need some help. Because this is awful!!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 20/12/2017 11:18

You mention your own DC are independent now. Could this be your solution? If your DC are old enough to babysit, tell the neighbour that your DC will babysit the kids, you'll just be next door in case of emergency and that your DC will need to be paid £5 per hour.

I'm sure your kids would appreciate the money.

MaybeDoctor · 20/12/2017 11:29

But the relationship with the neighbour is a random one - it is pure chance that they live next door to each other. There is no familial love or reason for being friends, apart from proximity. Life changes and neighbours move on.

I used to visit and help out an elderly neighbour - company, social contact and a bit of shopping. I enjoyed doing it but only did what I was comfortably able to do in the context of my family life - I had a small baby. The man then died and his partner sold up and moved to the other end of the country to be near her family.

I was pleased for her but sorry to see her go. If I had been providing days of unpaid care over the years then I suspect that I might have felt resentful about her leaving without a backward glance.

AstridWhite · 20/12/2017 11:31

I would hesitate to even offer to continue for payment with these people. If they’ve been this exploitative for so long and got away with it, I can see them forever’forgetting’ to pay you, with long winded tales of how it’s been a difficult month with unexpected bills. Now they know you are a soft touch they will find a way to take advantage one way or another until you say no more.

JaniceBattersby · 20/12/2017 11:41

People,have said a lot of wise things in this thread, but I think CloudChasing nailed it in the very first reply.

Tell you what I'd do. Tell them to fuck off.

BanyanChristmasTree · 20/12/2017 11:44

I can be a soft touch WRT helping out at school and being roped into going somewhere I don't want to but so far have managed to evade serious CFs who take up my time. I used to know someone who had a seriously top job and her husband worked too. She owns at least 4 houses that she rents out too. She is really busy and so cannot take her DC to the docs, drop off at school, go to plays etc. She tried to rope me in to her unpaid childminder list but I flatly refused to do it. I am a SAHP so my children can benefit from it, not hers. I go without so I can stay home. I don't do it so she can work FT and sort her tenants out with the knowledge that all these SAHMs are sorting out her DC. I have been in doctors surgeries and seen some of my friends taking her DC to the doctors for her. When I ask them they say they feel sorry for her DC and so are happy to take them and have them in the holidays. Meanwhile she is raking it in and her dc are taken care of.

Hatsoffdear · 20/12/2017 11:47

Good god op! Really?

zzzzz · 20/12/2017 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AstridWhite · 20/12/2017 12:33

I am a SAHP so my children can benefit from it, not hers.

Amen to that.

December11 · 20/12/2017 14:55

Cant believe the cheekiness of your neighbour!

AlwaysPondering · 20/12/2017 15:09

OP, I'm sorry but it has actually irritated me that you can allow yourself to be taken for granted like this! They clearly think you have no life... do you want them to think that?

Put a stop to it now!

gamerchick · 20/12/2017 15:11

Yeah it is a smite irritating when they don’t come back after throwing a hand grenade Grin

Original poster
Grump1 · 20/12/2017 19:19

About once a month. As I say usually they manage between them.

OP posts:
cheesypastatonight · 20/12/2017 19:27

Have you texted them yet to say you cannot continue?

Original poster
Grump1 · 20/12/2017 19:42

Grown up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grump1 · 20/12/2017 19:47

Grown up

OP posts:
Original poster
Grump1 · 20/12/2017 19:50

Just that DH noticed that the hours had stretched and also I had never babysat two weeks in a row before so that kind of brought the issue to closer scrutiny. We all are guilty of allowing things to become a habit without noticing until there is a wake up call.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grump1 · 20/12/2017 19:55

Thank you. Habits are easy to form. Problem here was that I had never been asked two weeks in a row before, then realised that the dad had been out. Honesty would have been the best policy. I felt deceived. After all once a month isn't a big deal but not being appreciated IS.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 20/12/2017 20:00

Ah ha!! And there you have it OP - the perfect base from which to write your response... and from your very own lips:
Honesty would have been the best policy. I felt deceived. After all once a month isn't a big deal but not being appreciated IS.

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