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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Babysitting for free for working neighbour

164 replies

Grump1 · 20/12/2017 01:31

My neighbour works shifts and can usually her OH can cover weekends - but not always so I get asked to babysit always in their house. My DH didn't mind until recently when I was away for eight hours and got no thank you text (and certainly no small treat handed in). The following weekend the same but while I thought both adults were working in fact neighbour's OH was on a very long night out with his friends. I had been led to believe he was at work. Does it matter? My DH thinks I should expect them to pay as it allows them to take the better paid weekend shifts. How do I convey this to them after helping out for free for the last four years or so. The children are getting older and more of a handful. My own are now independent and I was a STAHM so got the t-shirt. Also sounds petty but when I babysat for friends alway got left treat for supper and thanked next day but babysitting in return. This is one way. Childminders and nurseries don't work for people on weekend and night shift. What do others do?

OP posts:

Silverthorn · 20/12/2017 08:12

So who's looking after your children when you're looking after theirs and husband is away?

Collaborate · 20/12/2017 08:12

You don't need to give an excuse. Just say it's getting a bit much, it's become like an unpaid job, you don't get any thanks, and you'd rather just do your own thing in your own time.

FinallyHere · 20/12/2017 08:13

Grump1. It doesn't really matter what a bunch of random strangers tell you on an internet board, what do you want to do? Do you want people to continue to use you as an unwaged, unthanked childminding service? I can see why they might continue to make use of your kindness, but, honestly, do you want to continue? What do you get out of it?

If you want to stop, let's think about it, what would you need to do? You know, any time they ask, smile and say, sorry that doesn't work for me. Oh, and find something that you do enjoy to do instead, rather than just leaving the empty space in your life.

You will feel better about yourself when your efforts are appreciated. All the best.

AhNowTed · 20/12/2017 08:17

I wouldn't treat my own mother like this.

OP you are being taken for a fool.

paulabluekitten · 20/12/2017 08:25

Cheeky bastards. You need to cut ties now and say 'no more.' Pretend you have got a new work-from-home job or something.

ColonelJackONeil · 20/12/2017 08:35

I'd blame your husband. I know MNer wouldn't like the idea he tells you what to do. But your neighbours probably aren't feminists. Tell them Dh said he's not happy with you being out all this time and he wants you home more. He might agree to the odd evening if they pay you.

diddl · 20/12/2017 08:36

"I had been led to believe he was at work. Does it matter?"

Well yes, because if he's not at work he can look after his own kids.

The fact that he would do that at all is awful.

Still, not your problem, you've been taken advantage of helped for 4yrs.

That's more than enough.

CoraPirbright · 20/12/2017 08:36

Not even a measly text to say thank you???? Let alone offers of payment/bottle of wine/chocolates/flowers?? They are horrible, awful people who are thieving your time. Think about it like that and tell them where to go.

parklives · 20/12/2017 08:39

I'm not quite convinced that anyone would be this much of a mug, or that anyone would be such CF's what are the chances?

wizzywig · 20/12/2017 08:40

If they paid you (in advance as i now wouldnt trust them), would ig be a problem?

becotide · 20/12/2017 08:42

You can take a passive aggressive, easy way out of this. The people on this thread yelling "Just tell them to fuck off!" don't understand how hard it is to do that when you're a 'helper' type. I would feel guilty (unfairly so) if I just told someone to fuck off.

So here's what to do.

Get your husband to answer the phone and tell them you're busy. Do it every time and they'll make new arrangements. If they turn up, get him to answer the door and say you're in the bath and going out later.

Phalenopsisgirl · 20/12/2017 08:42

If you don’t mind doing it then I think it’s a lovely giving thing to offer. However it does sound like they are taking it a bit far, 2 weekends on the trot? Really? If someone was doing this for me I’d by buying a very generous Christmas gift with a thank you for all your hard work over the year.
I think you just need to be unavailable the next couple of times they ask, they will have to make other arrangements and that will start the ball rolling on them relying on you less frequently

Roussette · 20/12/2017 08:42

I'm a bit soft. Nope, you're made of marshmallow. Why on earth are you doing this?

I help friends out, but even 8 hours of doing this and I would expect an effusive THANK YOU from friends, let alone a random NDN.

She must think it's Christmas every day with you doing this.

Why isn't your DH getting pissed off with endless childminding over four years?

GrrrHotdogs · 20/12/2017 08:44

It's madness that you have let yourself be taken advantage of for such a long time. Does you neighbour do any favours for you?

It's also madness that you have started an AIBU about this, did you seriously think it might be you that was being unreasonable?

You neighbours don't seem to care what you think so I don't think you need to worry too much about what they think of you. I think though it would be ok to make up an excuse if that makes it easier for you.

Lotsofsausage · 20/12/2017 08:45

Absolute piss take, you shouldn't do what your husband 'tells you' but I can understand why he's frustrated with you being taken advantage of.
"dear neighbour, it's no longer convenient for me to regularly child mind for free, so you will have to find alternative childcare" DO NOT APOLOGISE !!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/12/2017 08:46

I'd tell them that you have new commitments that mean you can't under any circumstances babysit anymore.
The new commitments might be lying on sofa binge watching Breaking Bad, but unfortunately you can't get out of them!

Supermagicsmile · 20/12/2017 08:46

Next time just tell her money is tight and you are only doing paid babysitting jobs at the weekend.

Ghostontoast · 20/12/2017 08:47

Smile and say you are unable to baby sit any more.
Don’t give an “excuse” if they ask just say you can’t baby sit any more.

You must have saved them £££ in childminding costs.

scotchpie · 20/12/2017 08:48

Don't pre warn warn them, just say no!

Schlimbesserung · 20/12/2017 08:49

Something similar happened to me shortly after I got married, except it was my BIL's kids and I only lasted about 6months. I had an excuse though, I was only 20 and desperate to fit in with my new family. CF BIL's wife still doesn't speak to me 20 years later.

I know this is harsh, but these people are laughing at you. They don't value your kindness or appreciate your vital support, they thing you are an idiot.

You can make this stop, or you can let it carry on until either her kids are too old for a babysitter or she moves (she won't move btw, because houses don't usually come with on-tap babysitters!). The choice is yours. In most cases I wouldn't advise communicating by text, but if it's easier than a confrontation, maybe send a message saying that you think it's only fair to warn them that you won't be available for babysitting from now on. Don't give a reason because that gives them an opening to negotiate.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/12/2017 08:49

But neighbour has always used word babysitting when really it is childminding! Childminding is always paid I think
Babysitting is usually paid too!

"keeping an eye on the kids while I pop out to the corner shop" might be free

notapizzaeater · 20/12/2017 08:51

Looking after them an hour or two here and there is fine, but not 8 hours at their house. That's shocking,

SantaClauseMightWork · 20/12/2017 08:53

This is cheeky fuckery at another level. Four years?

BanyanChristmasTree · 20/12/2017 08:59

If your default setting is to be a nice person it is easier said than done to tell someone to fuck off. Also, she has to live next door to these people.

How old are you OP? Just interested. Are these baby-sitting hours always at the weekend? If you are not comfy telling her straight I would go about it another way. I'd start booking yourself out and reducing the time you do it. You need to be one step ahead of them. Take up golf, book your weekends away, time with your grown up DC and social life in these time slots. Tell your neighbour that you are booked out for the next 3 out of 4 weekends. She'll have to start getting alternative arrangements for her DC. That way you can ease out of this problem.

Lifechallenges · 20/12/2017 09:00

Omg just say no. Why are you working as a childminder for some one for free. They'd prob also sue you in some thing wet wrong ffs

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