To give up breastfeeding now.... WWYD . Please be kind :-(

[Bea1985]

Hello all,

Just looking for a bit of WWYD type advice as I am so emotionally drained and tired, I just can't make a decision.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl on 2nd Dec after a very long labour and fairly traumatic birth. We were kept in hospital for 2 nights and were discharged without having properly established breastfeeding. I no know that this was wrong, but as a first time mum who'd been awake for several days (excepting the odd 20 min doze) at the point of discharge I just went along with everything.

I attempted to breastfeed on demand for the first 10 days of my daughters life. To cut a long story short I am sure she was hungry for the best part of this . She also had a very shallow latch, of you can even call it a latch- has never opened her mouth wide to latch (has been checked for tongue tie etc) and basically chewed the middle of my nipples to bits with her gums for 10 days solid. As I don't think she was every getting much milk, she was very lethargic and began to "give up" i.e. Sucking half-heartedly once or twice then falling asleep. I constantly had her and myself stripped off, blew on her, tickled her feet etc and it took probably 1.5 hrs on average before she had done a few visible "swallows". It really was a 24/7 job of her agonising latching on and off, falling asleep, me worrying that she wasn't eating, biting my hand and crying in pain and being drenched in my own leaked milk without time to regularly change or shower. My nipples became extremely damaged, weeping and blistered with cracks that bled into my milk every feed, and I did try nipple shields but the damage did not heal and the wounds opened up and bled every feed despite the shields.

I had several MW and HV visits in this time, as well as a "maternity visitor" who is apparently and expert on breastfeeding. I had lots of advice, some of it conflicting, and was mainly told to "work on getting a deeper latch", shown videos of what a good latch is (I already know this! She won't open her mouth) and told to do loads of skin to skin. I started to become very depressed, cried all the time and was doing nothing with my daughter except change her, and try/fail to breastfeed (us both in tears). Due to my labour and birth (and had no sleep in hospital) I was also extremely sleep deprived by this point.

I should say I have no family in the area , just me and my husband, and he has done his best to support me but has now gone back to work.

So, after feeling like I was on the verge of a breakdown and also feeling very guilty about the constant negative nature of my interactions with my baby, I started expressing milk (with a hand pump then with an electric one) every 2-3 hours and bottle feeding it.

My baby has been drinking heartily from the bottle and is so much more bright eyed and alert than before. Expressing, sterilising and feeding round the clock is just as tiring as before but at least I get to spend some time cuddling my daughter, neither of us is in tears and I know she is getting a good feed.

I've been expressing and feeding for a week now, and whilst it's stopped my feeling quite so low as I was when trying to breastfeed (I've even been out the house!) it's very time consuming, I'm sat attached to a pump for 40 mins every 2-3 hours and am very tired.... And still feeling guilty as the time I'm attached to a pump is time I could be spending with my baby. I never have time to do anything but feed, or feed related activity.... I want to be doing nice sensory things with her, getting out for fresh air, tummy time... None of that is happening.

Today (3pm) I have an appt with a proper lactation consultant at the hospital , I've been waiting for it for c. 10 days.... But I'm not sure I want to go. I'm now thinking about expressing for as long as possible, but less times per day (say 4-5) to get some rest. I'm thinking about giving baby top ups of Hipp (probably at night) and gradually moving onto formula full time.

I know it seems silly to want to give up now, but having spoken to the lactation consultant on the phone yesterday, she seems to advocate carrying on expressing whilst offering the breast/attempting to breastfeed at each feed, then giving the bottle when either of us gets stressed. She also advised on constant skin to skin, taking baby in the bath etc. It sounds awful I know, but I don't want to do all this any more. I want to get dressed. I want to do things other than attempt to feed my baby all night and day. With the attempted breastfeeding, expressing, sterilising and bottle feeding there is no time for anything else. I just want to gradually let the breastfeeding go, but feel so terribly guilty about it. My baby is not even 3 weeks old and I produce a lot of milk.... I just can't get it inside her without losing my sanity!

So I don't know whether to go this afternoon, or just make the decision to move towards formula and go out and get a perfect prep etc.

I'm sorry that this post is long and poorly structured, typed very quickly on iPad whilst baby dozes . I'm not looking to be told that breast is best of that I need to work on my latch.... Believe me I already know these things and am hugely pro BF. The thought of formula from 3 weeks is not something I would previously entertained, but now I completely understand why people do it . BF has probably been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do :(

So... What would others do? Keep trying or make a decision re. Formula and get in with it.

Thanks everyone X

The most important thing is your relationship with baby. You've given her a really good start with three weeks of breast milk, so whatever you decide from now on, you can congratulate yourself on that.

You must be exhausted. . Whatever you decide, give yourself a break, you are doing your absolute best.

I felt so guilty stopping breastfeeding but it was the best thing for us. I was so exhausted I felt delirious and making the decision to switch to formula was good for me. I had a very similar experience to you and it was a very difficult time. Someone with a more positive experience of carrying on breast feeding or mix feeding will be along soon.

I wouldn't breast feed again and would feel no guilt or obligation to do so.

If you breast feed a newborn you will do pretty much nothing but feed them for the first 6 weeks ime. If you are not up for that - and I can totally see why you aren't - then it's fine to say it isn't for you. Certainly its not worth getting depressed over.

I'd go on to formula. The most important thing is that baby is fed and mum is coping! It really sounds like you have not been given enough support with the breastfeeding and, even if you had been, there's no saying you'd have found it any less stressful to establish. This is in no way a failure - you've done your best and you are making the right choice for you and your baby. Please don't feel guilty - move on, rest and recuperate and start to enjoy your baby girl. Congratulation and good luck.

You seem to have given it a really good go but if you want to stop then stop! I always think the saying should be 'breast is best - but not if it's detrimental to the mum's wellbeing'. Do what you feel is best for both of you, many many babies thrive on formula

See the LC but if you feel that bf is affecting your mental and physical health and taking time away from baby then formula is fine. (I bf my baby for 4 weeks but he wasn't gaining weight so now I combination feed)

Sorry your having a hard time.
My dd wouldnt bf. ...I did the whole expressing and sterilising and feeding and it easy exhausting and I didn't get much she wanted more so on had to top up with formula. So that added extra washing and formula making and everything else.

I gave up and switched completely to Fflint and overnight we were both so much happier. She was having plenty to eat. I was getting more rest. I only had to prepare 1 bottle rather than 2 (my expressed milk in 1 and Ff top up)

There is so much pressure to bf no matter what and to keep persevering but sometimes formula is best for our sanity x I didn't want to use formula but at he end of the day it was best for us x

Why don't you go to the appointment and see what that's like before making your decision? Breastfeeding is difficult and sore - I've been there. Bottle feeding isn't easy either - I've been there too. Perhaps the lactation consultant will be able to talk you through combine feeding? I'd did that for 6 weeks with my first and 10 weeks with my second. Then I was able to breastfeed without combine feeding. Having done both I found the breastfeeding easier (always right temp, no cleaning = lazy me!)
Good luck whatever you decide.

It sounds like you've made your decision. Maybe you could combine feed for a few weeks (this would allow you to pump less often but your milk will establish more fully at around 6 or 7 weeks so I would be careful of going much longer than every 3 hours between pumps). Or maybe just give up entirely. You don't have to feel guilty - I didn't have a drop of breast milk from my mum - it's not that important. And I say that as someone who really loves breastfeeding. What do you want to do? Your baby will be fine. Breastfeeding should be enjoyable. If it really isn't then do what you want to do. Congratulations on your baby.

I don't think you're 'giving up' anything. You're moving forward.
Trust YOUR instincts and take or leave any 'advice' from HPs.
What is best for YOU and your baby?

If you want to formula feed, then you should do that

Re: possible tongue tie, had your baby been checked by a trained tongue tie practitioner? We had 3 badly tongue tied babies. We received appalling advice from NHS HCPs regarding this who - most importantly - did not advise that they actually weren't trained to diagnose a tongue tie. Then had a shit time having the tongue ties inadequately removed by an NHS clinic which didnt bother to advise that they don't actually remove posterior tongue ties - so my 3 year old still has a massive posterior restriction and not much of the anterior removed either.

My DH is a dentist and it was a condition of having a third that he carried out the specialist training and removed any restriction. Totally different experience with my third as he properly diagnosed and fully divided the TT

I am still furious that the many NHS midwives I saw didn't actually tell me that they had no proper training whatsoever to allow me to make an informed decision about actually consulting someone who did. It's outrageous and very common unfortunately

If you do want to find a practitioner, you can look on the Association of Tongue Tie Practitioners website and there is a directory there where you can search by location.

First things first whatever decision you make it is fine. Your choice, your baby don't feel guilty. Babies need feeding, however you do that is fine.

My dd was premature and didnt latch I fed her through a syringe for days so she wouldnt get used to bottle. When she was to distressed to do this I used formula and seeing her happy content face was amazing.

I did combination mostly formula topped up by pumped milk 1xday. My dd is now 10 happy, bright, fit and hardly ever ill. This was my decision and may not be right for you.

You should be enjoying this time as a mummy.

Oh - and don't let any NHS practitioner fob you off on the basis that weight gain is fine - maternal discomfort/pain is equally important when you are having your nipples chewed to bits!

I felt guilty at the time that I wasn’t able to successfully breastfeed my two kids. Not helped by all the well intentioned NHS support that just made me feel like a failure.

My babies thrived once they started on formula. And the same NHS staff were very supportive of my decision- but felt they couldn’t say anything while I was still trying to breastfeed.

Formula feeding had many positives for us in the end. I kept my sanity! My babies thrived. And my husband was able to be much more involved.

Oh you poor thing you sound so exhausted! I completely understand what you’re going through. I made it to six weeks on the breast. Crying with every feed due to the pain by the end. I had to stop as I was getting so depressed and I just wanted someone to take my baby away from me and not give her back. So I knew I couldn’t carry on like that. My DD was the same and wouldn’t really open her mouth and after one failed attempt she would get hysterical as she was so hungry. and I have very flat nipples so the combination together wasn’t good. And then I had thrush! Despite seein lactation consultants 6/7 times I just couldn’t bare the pain. So I expressed for two weeks but it was too exhausting to keep up. So by 8 weeks she was on formula. I felt horrendous at the time. Like I failed my baby and so guilty that she wasn’t getting the best start. But now my only regret Is I beat myself up so much and that I hated the first 6 weeks with my gorgeous baby. I dom’t feel guilty about formula at all now. She is perfect and thriving at 2 years old. Do what is best for your sanity and let the guilt go. Just enjoy the time with your beautiful baby as it goes so fast. Big hugs

I re-read your op and see that you are producing lots of milk. Could you donate it? My cousins wife did this. I'm in absolutely awe of her achievement. There's load of online support for those "I can only hold a smartphone moments" try the Analytical Armadillo (not used this page for years)
I'll always be glad I managed to breastfeed. I realise how bloody difficulty is. Breastfeeding is a privilege, using formula (especially safely) is a privilege. We are so very fortunate.
Go to the appointment, think it through and then decide. As before GOOD LUCK!

I had a similar experience with feeding DS. Was repeatedly told he didn’t have a tongue tie and made to feel as though I wasn’t trying hard enough.

I expressed for 9 months and frankly it was incredibly hard but I did get into a groove with it and it became manageable after a few weeks. So it is possible. I think a lot of people thought I was crazy for putting myself through it and looking back I think I agree with them. It took its toll on me and I think I might have enjoyed that time more if I had stopped sooner.

I mention tongue tie because DS was finally diagnosed and treated for it at 3 months old by a private lactation consultant. By that point though the feeding had become so emotional that I couldn’t face trying to breastfeed feed him again in case it didn’t work and I would feel an even bigger sense of disappointment. It may be worth a second opinion on tongue tie.

It’s a really hard decision to make. A fed baby is a happy baby. A happy baby makes it much easier to be a happy Mum. These are the most important things. Being chained to a pump makes it hard to be happy.

YANBU OP. Breastfeeding is important, but having a Mummy who is coping (and as happy as it's possible in those first few crazy weeks and months!) is more important. You've given her the very important weeks already which is wonderful, and it sounds like you had to work really hard to do that, so you should feel very proud of yourself.

If you WANT to carry on, or wanted to give it one last shot, I would contact your local La Leche League who may be able to give you some more practical help and advice. But ultimately this is your decision and yours alone, and if you feel that moving to FF is the right decision for you, that is literally all that matters.

Congratulations on your wee girl.

I feel for you. I had a similar situation with my first child. I really believe that breast feeding is wonderful but it doesn't run smoothly for everyone. Your mental health really has to be a priority. I also believe that a happy mum makes for a happy baby. Don't beat yourself up if you decide to stop. You have tried very hard by the sound of it and given your baby a great start. You must look after yourself too. X

Breastfeeding is great but its honestly not that important - not worth pain or stress anyway.

Oh you've done amazingly well so far, and I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. You are brilliant for working so hard to breastfeed your baby.
It is still very early days and I think most of us feel at that stage that we are doing nothing but feeding our baby - whether that be breastfeeding, expressing or formula.
As you already have this appointment, I would go anyway and speak to the consultant. It may not change your mind, but there's no harm in going. Tell her your worries and thoughts about moving to formula. She may well have some useful advice. If you still feel afterwards that you want to move to formula, then of course go with that plan of action. There's no point in in carrying on if it's making you miserable.
If you decide to persevere with breast and expressing, look for a local breastfeeding support group. NCT often run one. These are great to meet other new mums going through similar experiences, and should have breastfeeding counsellors there to offer support and advice. In my experience, these have been much more useful than health visitors and midwives.
Whatever you decide, best of luck and look after yourself xxx

Didn't want to read and run as this struck a chord with me.
First of all, congratulations on your baby girl!
Please, please, please do not beat yourself up about this. As others have said, the most important thing is your and your baby's happiness, which is obviously being affected by the troubles you are having with the feeding at the moment. Formula is not poison - I tried breastfeeding my son and I can honestly say it was horrendous, for many of the same reasons you describe. So, I got him onto formula at 6 weeks and never looked back. Also, as Blessyourheart said above, I too would not breastfeed again.
"Fed is Best".
Please don't worry and enjoy your baby girl

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

You've given her the very best start, all that colostrom. Now give yourself a massive pat on the back, and switch to formula, and get some sleep. No need to feel guilty AT ALL. I say this as a new mum myself, struggled to feed and now on the formula, we're both happier. You can still do skin to skin whilst you feed. Good luck

I'm so sorry you're struggling. Whatever you decide to do, you sound like an amazing mom for trying so hard to feed your baby. It's not easy!!
My DS is 7 weeks and we struggled much the same as you for the first two weeks. I too had a long birth and two nights in hospital with no sleep. It was very stressful constantly watching the clock and knowing that if I didn't feed my lethargic and jaundiced baby every 3 hours then we would have problems. He had a few formula top ups in that time after spending up to an hour trying to get him to latch.

We visited a lactation consultant. Turned out my breasts were too full for him to latch... imagine trying to suck on an over inflated balloon rather than a soft breast as should be! So we started either hand expressing for a few mins before a feed (or I used my pump) this made a huge difference... fast forward to now and we are absolute pros at it and he latches straight away. It also isn't true that you will spend all of the first 6 weeks just feeding. We have been out of the house loads and I love how convenient breastfeeding is! My nipples don't hurt anymore (apart from during growth spurts but still manageable) and I am really enjoying my baby.

Ultimately the decision is yours and you shouldn't feel guilty for giving up at all. I just wanted to give you a positive story that started much like yours in case you feel you can give it one last push.

You're doing an amazing job