To give up breastfeeding now.... WWYD . Please be kind :-(

[Bea1985]

Hello all,

Just looking for a bit of WWYD type advice as I am so emotionally drained and tired, I just can't make a decision.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl on 2nd Dec after a very long labour and fairly traumatic birth. We were kept in hospital for 2 nights and were discharged without having properly established breastfeeding. I no know that this was wrong, but as a first time mum who'd been awake for several days (excepting the odd 20 min doze) at the point of discharge I just went along with everything.

I attempted to breastfeed on demand for the first 10 days of my daughters life. To cut a long story short I am sure she was hungry for the best part of this . She also had a very shallow latch, of you can even call it a latch- has never opened her mouth wide to latch (has been checked for tongue tie etc) and basically chewed the middle of my nipples to bits with her gums for 10 days solid. As I don't think she was every getting much milk, she was very lethargic and began to "give up" i.e. Sucking half-heartedly once or twice then falling asleep. I constantly had her and myself stripped off, blew on her, tickled her feet etc and it took probably 1.5 hrs on average before she had done a few visible "swallows". It really was a 24/7 job of her agonising latching on and off, falling asleep, me worrying that she wasn't eating, biting my hand and crying in pain and being drenched in my own leaked milk without time to regularly change or shower. My nipples became extremely damaged, weeping and blistered with cracks that bled into my milk every feed, and I did try nipple shields but the damage did not heal and the wounds opened up and bled every feed despite the shields.

I had several MW and HV visits in this time, as well as a "maternity visitor" who is apparently and expert on breastfeeding. I had lots of advice, some of it conflicting, and was mainly told to "work on getting a deeper latch", shown videos of what a good latch is (I already know this! She won't open her mouth) and told to do loads of skin to skin. I started to become very depressed, cried all the time and was doing nothing with my daughter except change her, and try/fail to breastfeed (us both in tears). Due to my labour and birth (and had no sleep in hospital) I was also extremely sleep deprived by this point.

I should say I have no family in the area , just me and my husband, and he has done his best to support me but has now gone back to work.

So, after feeling like I was on the verge of a breakdown and also feeling very guilty about the constant negative nature of my interactions with my baby, I started expressing milk (with a hand pump then with an electric one) every 2-3 hours and bottle feeding it.

My baby has been drinking heartily from the bottle and is so much more bright eyed and alert than before. Expressing, sterilising and feeding round the clock is just as tiring as before but at least I get to spend some time cuddling my daughter, neither of us is in tears and I know she is getting a good feed.

I've been expressing and feeding for a week now, and whilst it's stopped my feeling quite so low as I was when trying to breastfeed (I've even been out the house!) it's very time consuming, I'm sat attached to a pump for 40 mins every 2-3 hours and am very tired.... And still feeling guilty as the time I'm attached to a pump is time I could be spending with my baby. I never have time to do anything but feed, or feed related activity.... I want to be doing nice sensory things with her, getting out for fresh air, tummy time... None of that is happening.

Today (3pm) I have an appt with a proper lactation consultant at the hospital , I've been waiting for it for c. 10 days.... But I'm not sure I want to go. I'm now thinking about expressing for as long as possible, but less times per day (say 4-5) to get some rest. I'm thinking about giving baby top ups of Hipp (probably at night) and gradually moving onto formula full time.

I know it seems silly to want to give up now, but having spoken to the lactation consultant on the phone yesterday, she seems to advocate carrying on expressing whilst offering the breast/attempting to breastfeed at each feed, then giving the bottle when either of us gets stressed. She also advised on constant skin to skin, taking baby in the bath etc. It sounds awful I know, but I don't want to do all this any more. I want to get dressed. I want to do things other than attempt to feed my baby all night and day. With the attempted breastfeeding, expressing, sterilising and bottle feeding there is no time for anything else. I just want to gradually let the breastfeeding go, but feel so terribly guilty about it. My baby is not even 3 weeks old and I produce a lot of milk.... I just can't get it inside her without losing my sanity!

So I don't know whether to go this afternoon, or just make the decision to move towards formula and go out and get a perfect prep etc.

I'm sorry that this post is long and poorly structured, typed very quickly on iPad whilst baby dozes . I'm not looking to be told that breast is best of that I need to work on my latch.... Believe me I already know these things and am hugely pro BF. The thought of formula from 3 weeks is not something I would previously entertained, but now I completely understand why people do it . BF has probably been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do :(

So... What would others do? Keep trying or make a decision re. Formula and get in with it.

Thanks everyone X

@lillianhom that sounds tough and I can relate. You could try slowly reducing the amount of bm in each bottle so your dc gets used to the taste of the formula more.

Sending a very UnMumsnetty hug your way. My DS wouldn't open his mouth properly either and getting started BFing was a nightmare. Football hold finally worked for us. But honestly, if you want to quit or do combination feeding, that is also fine too. Love your baby and hold tight during this tough stage - it does get better. Come on here any time you need to talk. Lots of us have been there and get it!

Please don't stress about whatever decision you take. Those first few months are hard, hard work - as long as you and baby are happy and fed at the end of the day HOWEVER that happens is all that matters.

FWIW I had one baby that breast fed amazingly well and one that didn't (she was born early and her throat hadn't fully formed). They are 8 and 9 and upstairs playing fighting happily, equally loved-- and I think bonded with me (one of them is bound to argue this with me in the teenage years!)--

Strikeout fail - sorry you get my meaning

I could have written your post.

I persevered through expressing for 4 weeks while we struggled. I won’t lie, it was hard.

She had the shallow latch, disinterest, sleepiness etc.

We fed her expressed milk with a dropper and then a bottle when the milk came in properly.

I saw several lactation consultants and called the helpline in tears several times. They couldn’t explain it at all as there was nothing physical etc to cause a problem.

But at 4 weeks- miraculously, the penny dropped & she just got it.

I then successfully breastfed until about 10 months when I went back to work and then fed her morning and evening till about 1y.

It can be done - and although I had no super strong feelings about breastfeeding either way to start with, I’m so glad I persevered, as in the longer run it is so much less of a faff. In my personal situation .

Either way the most important thing is that your child is fed.

Hope that helps!!

OP I feel compelled to tell you my story after reading your own as it feels so familiar.

My DD is now three but I had an awful time breastfeeding, in awful pain during every feed, bleeding nips covered in scabs, biting my own hand during every feed and weeping. She was massively unhappy too and clearly wasn't getting enough milk so I started pumping at day three, upgrading from a hand pump to eventually a double boob handless free pump.

After endless visits to my HV I was finally referred to a tongue tie specialist (after originally being told she didn't have tongue tie) who diagnosed a severe 'posterior' tongue tie. It's much harder to spot but was the culprit. DD was 6 weeks old.

It was corrected but after the first breastfeed after the correction I still felt pain and was so upset.

I decided to embrace 'exclusive pumping' and did so for 7 months. It was tough but was possible! I learnt lots of tricks along the way, and feel proud I managed it. At the beginning I supplemented with 1/2 formula feeds a day but by three months old age had all breast milk until I went back to work.

A few things that helped:

• keep your pump parts in the fridge inside a zip lock bag in between pumps if you're going to be at home. You only need to sterilise pump parts once a day of you do this.

-Invest in duplicate pump parts. if you're going to be leaving the house for more that a few hours then it's really handy. -invest in a decent pump. Mine was a hands free Medela with a hands free bra that worked with batteries so I wasn't tied to the pump and could play with baby while she was in her swing chair etc. -work out a workable pump schedule. I pumped every three hours, with one four hour gap at night. If you supplement with formula you can reduce this, totally up to you.

I'm sure I can think of more ideas, PM me if you'd like to hear more. There's quite a network of exclusive pumpers out there.

But, most importantly, if you want to use formula go for it! Don't beat yourself up! You need to be happy and enjoy your time with your baby. I also now realise (as I Bf DD2) how it's totally baby dependant. My second daughter took to breastfeeding so easily and I've had no problems at all. I realise it wasn't me being a 'failure' the first time round- it just didn't work out and I've made peace with that.

Best of luck with it all, and remember breastfeeding is such a short time in your child's life. They soon lick the soles of your shoes when you're not looking and all sorts or disgusting things ha ha
X

I had almost the same start with my DD. It was hell on earth. i did stick with it and fed for 9 months but tbh I wish that i had just put her on the bottle. The anguish and pain was awful and we never really did crack it.

I managed 2 days BF. Totally hellish. In the middle of the night, a hospital midwife tactfully / discreetly gave me permission to stop and I will always be thankful for her kindness. Seriously, there's so much pressure to breastfeed and it's just not for everyone. There are loads of other opportunities to be a good parent

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely baby

I had a similar experience trying to breastfeed my now 11 week old son and lasted about 3 days.

The best thing for your baby is that she is fed and that her mummy is happy. Happy mummy = happy baby.

You would not be even close to unreasonable to switch to formula. Fed is best, happy mummy is best

Enjoy spending time with your beautiful new baby

I say this as someone who breastfed dc1 until 2.9yo and am still breastfeeding dc2 who is 2.6yo - fed is best! Breast/bottle/expressed/formula none of that matters as long as your baby is being fed in some way. And you matter too! It's easy to forget about your needs in those early days but if breastfeeding is having a negative effect on you, then it's ok to stop.

Congratulations on your lovely baby, enjoy the snuggles.

Similar experience here with dc1. She couldn't latch on/very weak latch and we were up almost all night, every night for 8 weeks struggling with nipple shields/hours of v weak feeding, then expressing to top up. So exhausting and disheartening. Eventually I was hospitalised with mastitis, probably as breast not being drained by baby. Told at scan for a abscess to give up- such a relief and we all thrived from then on. Only stop if you want to but formula is really very good these days and she has had the gut lining early days of breast milk already.

Fwiw I'm sure it's probably not your positioning etc with latch. With my dc2 he latched on in the delivery suite and fed for almost a year - not perfect (painful at first/thrush at one point) but 1000 times easier and I did nothing differently, way less effort in fact, difference was that he could do it.

Hi all,

Extremely late reply...I've only just finished for the day (until my next pull at 2am!) and gotten time to write this.

I went to the LC today and was there for 2.5 hours. She was extremely nice and actually advised me at the beginning if the appt that "it's ok of you don't want to carry on BF, you're baby will be fine and a happy mum is most important". So the pressure was off a little. She weighed DD - DD is 17 days old at 2 days old had lost 6% weight. At 11 days the HV weighed her and she had gone up 80g, still weighed under birth weight. Today she had gone up a further 360g, in the past 6 days , and Iltye LC advised this was due to my diligent pumping and feeding ... She had clearly not been getting enough before.

She examined DDs mouth and observed her behaviour and mouth movements during an attempted feed/biological nurturing. She advised that DD has a very high palate which makes it harder work for her to get a deep latch, and possibly a slight posterior tongue tie (though she said id need to have this confirmed by a specialist).

The result is that DD does not open her mouth wide , and does not let her tongue drop down / forwards to latch . She opens her mouth only slightly and her tongue goes up and becomes fixed towards her hard palate. The LC tried lots of bricks to get her to open wide/lower her tongue and DD would not or could not do it

This would explain the shallow latch, nipple damage and lack of weight gain while I was breastfeeding - DDs tongue was literally "blocking" the entrance to her mouth.

She advised that DD does have enough tongue movement to learn how to open wide , but it will take a lot of work and we were given excersises to try. I can give more detail on these if useful to anyone. Basically id have to attempt biological nurturing with the excersises , then bottle feed her if she doesn't latch properly or gets distressed. I'd still have to pump around the clock until we cracked it and no telling how long that would take.

I'm so glad I went and feel vindicated slightly in that there is a mechanical reason for the issues we've had, and that the LC stressed "it's ok to stop".

I'll decide properly tomorrow what to do. I'm so utterly knackered... But I'm leaning more towards formula than I am towards spending what could be weeks more stuck in a cycle of stressful attempted BF and expressing .

Thanks again for all your helpful and open replies. I'll read them all again in the morning when deciding what to do

Xxxx

Next pull at 2am = next pump at 2am

I'm really glad you went to the appointment. Sounds like a good meeting.

I'm not a qualified expert but high palate usually goes hand in hand with tongue tie.

Whether or not you plan to continue feeding I'd suggest getting a tie cut or Lasered. I didn't and regret it.

ds2 had a very poor latch and was basically formula fed for six weeks. He had a twin who breastfed, so my supply was still there. He suddenly latched on at six weeks. It was a hellish time, but just to say that it suddenly clicked for us all. I would never hesitate to mix feed now in a situation like that, and certainly never mind which milk they had. But I did enjoy breastfeeding once the latch was corrected. Ds made a lot of clicking noises, and did a lot of tongue thrusting which continued when he was weaned. He had to learn to put his tongue in the right place. It took many false starts and in the meantime he wsa getting bottles of formula too, so I wasnt worryig about his weight, happiness sleep etc.

So just to say, it doesn;t have to be all or nothig, you could gradually reduce down to formula feeding, whilst still keeping your options open and then increase supply of breastmilk again. breastfeeding (or least lactation) can be more flexible than you think.

Big hug, really it was hellish to be so sleep deprived and struggling.

I also took ds2 to a cranial osteopath, it can be an issue with traumatic births and in his case, elective caesarian/twin birth. He hated having back of his head touched and that affected his feeding. He was also v v sleepy in early days which meant our feeding times were marred considerably, and there was the worries about dehydration (he was v small, and slightly early) So lots of bad early memories for me involved in the feeding process. It is such early days, so much changes over the next few weeks and you WILL enjoy things so much more quite soon.

Biological nurturing worked really well for us. All the stress of early days means feeding becomes very mechanical - part of an anxiety cycle, biological nurturing/skin to skin feeding on demand with correct latch can be v therapeutic about restoring confidence.

I didn't express beyond week 2, just built up my supply by repeated attempts when he was sucking properly (and other twin was of course sucking too)

So pleased that it went well with LC. Breastfeeding can be extremely hard to establish and it certainly isn't instant, even though that seems to be the myth. At best, it took us three weeks but with my third it took over a month. Until everything falls into place, it can be massively anxiety inducing.

Keep on pumping! (Don't forget you can freeze your milk).

The first six weeks of any newborns life are crazy. Things settle down after that.

Remember the newborn Ten Commandments as well (google it!). X

Almost identical situation happened to me... switched to formula by 3 weeks and didn't look back. I couldn't possibly have had more help from feeding support groups etc, all amazing but it just wasn't working and I was exhausted from all the pumping, sterilising etc.

Everyone else has stolen my gems of wisdom

Totally agree that "fed is best". Both breast milk and formula are very healthy so your baby will be fine either way.

Your mental health and wellbeing are SO important for your baby. I went over the cliff-edge in the first month postpartum, and it wasn't pretty. I'd strongly advocate doing whatever is easiest for you and makes you both happy.

And congratulations!

Glad your appointment went well.

It may be worth seeing a specialist for the tt as getting it cut may help her latch.
Also a good cranio osteopath can help with tounge movement as often they release tightness which can free up movement of the tounge.

Biological nursing and kangaroo hold are good positions for high palate.