To give up breastfeeding now.... WWYD . Please be kind :-(

[Bea1985]

Hello all,

Just looking for a bit of WWYD type advice as I am so emotionally drained and tired, I just can't make a decision.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl on 2nd Dec after a very long labour and fairly traumatic birth. We were kept in hospital for 2 nights and were discharged without having properly established breastfeeding. I no know that this was wrong, but as a first time mum who'd been awake for several days (excepting the odd 20 min doze) at the point of discharge I just went along with everything.

I attempted to breastfeed on demand for the first 10 days of my daughters life. To cut a long story short I am sure she was hungry for the best part of this . She also had a very shallow latch, of you can even call it a latch- has never opened her mouth wide to latch (has been checked for tongue tie etc) and basically chewed the middle of my nipples to bits with her gums for 10 days solid. As I don't think she was every getting much milk, she was very lethargic and began to "give up" i.e. Sucking half-heartedly once or twice then falling asleep. I constantly had her and myself stripped off, blew on her, tickled her feet etc and it took probably 1.5 hrs on average before she had done a few visible "swallows". It really was a 24/7 job of her agonising latching on and off, falling asleep, me worrying that she wasn't eating, biting my hand and crying in pain and being drenched in my own leaked milk without time to regularly change or shower. My nipples became extremely damaged, weeping and blistered with cracks that bled into my milk every feed, and I did try nipple shields but the damage did not heal and the wounds opened up and bled every feed despite the shields.

I had several MW and HV visits in this time, as well as a "maternity visitor" who is apparently and expert on breastfeeding. I had lots of advice, some of it conflicting, and was mainly told to "work on getting a deeper latch", shown videos of what a good latch is (I already know this! She won't open her mouth) and told to do loads of skin to skin. I started to become very depressed, cried all the time and was doing nothing with my daughter except change her, and try/fail to breastfeed (us both in tears). Due to my labour and birth (and had no sleep in hospital) I was also extremely sleep deprived by this point.

I should say I have no family in the area , just me and my husband, and he has done his best to support me but has now gone back to work.

So, after feeling like I was on the verge of a breakdown and also feeling very guilty about the constant negative nature of my interactions with my baby, I started expressing milk (with a hand pump then with an electric one) every 2-3 hours and bottle feeding it.

My baby has been drinking heartily from the bottle and is so much more bright eyed and alert than before. Expressing, sterilising and feeding round the clock is just as tiring as before but at least I get to spend some time cuddling my daughter, neither of us is in tears and I know she is getting a good feed.

I've been expressing and feeding for a week now, and whilst it's stopped my feeling quite so low as I was when trying to breastfeed (I've even been out the house!) it's very time consuming, I'm sat attached to a pump for 40 mins every 2-3 hours and am very tired.... And still feeling guilty as the time I'm attached to a pump is time I could be spending with my baby. I never have time to do anything but feed, or feed related activity.... I want to be doing nice sensory things with her, getting out for fresh air, tummy time... None of that is happening.

Today (3pm) I have an appt with a proper lactation consultant at the hospital , I've been waiting for it for c. 10 days.... But I'm not sure I want to go. I'm now thinking about expressing for as long as possible, but less times per day (say 4-5) to get some rest. I'm thinking about giving baby top ups of Hipp (probably at night) and gradually moving onto formula full time.

I know it seems silly to want to give up now, but having spoken to the lactation consultant on the phone yesterday, she seems to advocate carrying on expressing whilst offering the breast/attempting to breastfeed at each feed, then giving the bottle when either of us gets stressed. She also advised on constant skin to skin, taking baby in the bath etc. It sounds awful I know, but I don't want to do all this any more. I want to get dressed. I want to do things other than attempt to feed my baby all night and day. With the attempted breastfeeding, expressing, sterilising and bottle feeding there is no time for anything else. I just want to gradually let the breastfeeding go, but feel so terribly guilty about it. My baby is not even 3 weeks old and I produce a lot of milk.... I just can't get it inside her without losing my sanity!

So I don't know whether to go this afternoon, or just make the decision to move towards formula and go out and get a perfect prep etc.

I'm sorry that this post is long and poorly structured, typed very quickly on iPad whilst baby dozes . I'm not looking to be told that breast is best of that I need to work on my latch.... Believe me I already know these things and am hugely pro BF. The thought of formula from 3 weeks is not something I would previously entertained, but now I completely understand why people do it . BF has probably been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do :(

So... What would others do? Keep trying or make a decision re. Formula and get in with it.

Thanks everyone X

I had a similar experience and wouldn't recommend persevering if it's making you feel so miserable. I had been desperate to breastfeed DD and when it didn't work out I became obsessed by it. Although, like Evonne, I eventually got into a groove, it was incredibly time-consuming as I ended up combination feeding - I was expressing, bottle feeding with breastmilk and formula and attempting to breastfeed. I was tired, unhappy and felt like a total failure. Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that DD would have been better off with formula and a happy mummy who had the time and energy to get out and about and enjoy just being with her. I feel a far greater sense of guilt and loss about that than I ever would have about FF. Give yourself a break and enjoy your time with your lovely baby! Good luck.

Sorry that should say "than I ever would have about giving up BF."

You need to do what is best for you and your baby and if that means quitting BF then do so. I found expressing to be just as exhausting as well as time consuming as I then had to feed my baby after being hooked to the pump for an hour everyday. It came to the point if I needed to express to leave my DS with a minder, I would provide formula just to make life easier. I don't feel guilty about this as I continued to BF for 7 months using formula when necessary. Best of luck whatever your decision, I only wish Mums here in NI had your attitude, not enough BF here IME.

I can really empathise with you

I went through similar with my LO & it is utterly exhausting. The constant cycle of feeding & expressing is really really tough.

Also the differing approaches of professionals is really confusing as a first time mum. You really should trust your own instincts & make it he right decision for you. I remember crying at a midwife about being so exhausted (sleeping for 30 mins every 4 hrs or so) & she asked my husband if I was depressed...people are insensitive & forget how real the exhaustion is.

You have to make the decision that is right for YOU. You haven't failed if you decide to stop or combo feed. And your mental health is so so important right now!

I found that at 6 weeks our BF was eventually properly established & my baby was putting on weight. I continued feeding however have always said I don't know if I could go through the same process again if I had another baby. Sleep deprivation is horrendous & if you have little support nearby then it will be even harder.

One thing to note is you do not need to sterilise bottles/equipment etc for feeding expressed milk or expressing, breast milk is not sterile so there's no point (I was told this by several professionals & researched it myself also)

If your baby happily takes breast & bottle there is no reason why you can't successfully combi feed, mine has had both since birth & it has worked for us.

Don't beat yourself up x

Everyone's experience is different, but I think the moment you are in is particularly difficult - when the baby is still a new born and behaving like one, but your husband has gone back to work. I would really encourage you to go to the appointment. Be as honest with her as you were in your post. Hopefully she will support you in a way that helps you decide how to go forward. She might be able to help you improve the latch enough to make the difference for you, or she might be able to support you to introduce formula and give advice on breast care to stay comfortable/healthy. The other thing to remember is that it isn't necessarily an either/or decision. Mix feeding is a possibility. I really hope things start to get more positive and you find some clarity.

I almost exclusively pumped for nearly 12 weeks, it was awful. Did you know you don't have to sterilise stuff for bm (that's what the hospital told me).
It's a very personal choice but if I was in that situation again I'd go onto formula sooner.
You haven't failed at breastfeeding, you've succeeded for over 2 weeks despite the constant pain.
Well done mama and be kind to yourself.

Regardless what you decide to do, getting the baby checked out for tongue-tie is important.

DD was badly tongue-tie and while we managed a good bf relationship she had trouble with solid food and it had to be cut under general anesthetic which is quite distressing compared to do getting it cut as a baby.

I am so sorry about your experience, bf is hard to establish and unfortunately support is such a lottery in the UK.

The most important thing is that you and DH and baby are happy and formula is not poison regardless what you may read.

I think that I would go to the appointment & see if they can shed any new light on anything.

If not, then reducing the expressing sounds like a plan.

I combination fed for 4 weeks and then was fed up of feeding a my little boy for a whole hour who would then glug a whole bottle of formula! I never produced enough milk for him so at 4 weeks I gave up and used formula. Best decision I made! It's really not a faff once you get into the swing of it and it can be just as portable as boobs! He's now almost 3 and is as bright as a button! It's ok to stop OP, if you want to. Don't beat yourself up xxx

Having got this far (so admirably) I would give the L:C appointment a go before making any final decision. I hated breastfeeding for the first few weeks, but after I saw a LC and we sorted out positioning issue s(and I had my undiagnosed thrush treated) it became an actual joy and I am still loving it 20 months later. I nearly gave up so many times so I totally understand how you are feeling. I am obviously very glad that I continued, as I have really enjoyed it - first few weeks aside. However there were many points when I thought about stopping, and I know how hard it is- especially in these first few weeks when you are shellshocked and sleep deprived.

So I would go along today, and see what they can do to help you. If after today's appointment you feel like it's still not working for you, then of course you should stop and rather than thinking about what-ifs, you should congratulate yourself on having fought so hard and done so well x

Well done you for doing it for this long! Formula is there for a very good reason - not everyone can or wants to breast feed. You'll feel like a new woman once the worry of the feed is taken away and your relationship with your lovely baby will flourish because of it. There's more to bonding with a newborn than just breastfeeding. Take care of yourself x

not read all the thread, but this is what I did after ds chomped on my nipples all night while I was out cold from lack of sleep delivering him the previous night.

I fed on a schedule, (he was a regulation four hour feed baby so helped)

I fed on left boob one feed, right boob next feed and formula bottle on third before repeating. that gave each side 12 hours rest and time to recover. once recovered gradully increase the proportion of breast milk to formula.

midwife said ds would give up breast if I did that... of course he did, two and a half years later

do what works for you. I found as long as you kept both breast going a little bit then they were available to kick back in when needed. Also it gets less sensative as they get used to being chomped. (maybe the little bugger chewed through the nerves) which was helpful when he was stading on one leg with one arm and the other leg in the air to feed,

don't feel guilty! You've worked so hard and that's amazing. You should feel very proud. Do keep the appointment as you never know - it could be the breakthrough you need, and if it is then, when breastfeeding is established, it's much easier than bottle feeding. But if it's not the breakthrough and things don't get better then do what's right for you. I was told never to quit on a bad day and that served me well. Hard when all days are bad days thus far though, but if you keep the appointment you can square it with yourself that you exhausted all avenues! Ask the LC to check for tongue tie. My son had a bad posterior one, discovered at 7 weeks (after midwives, GP and HV said there wasn't one - they aren't trained to check for posterior tie), had it cut and suddenly his latch was perfect!

Hi,

I think we had a similar experience. When my baby was born the midwives recommended I combination feed because they didn't have the staff to show me how to establish breastfeeding. I was heartbroken and they sent me a infant feeding specialist. She was great and although my baby still had trouble latching I kept trying and trying and we formula fed as well.

Breastfeeding was very painful, toe curling and tears. It took at least 6 weeks until the pain went away. I was determined not to give up. Days when my nipples were so sore I pumped instead to give them a break and allow them to heal.
This went on for a while but I always felt he was still hungry after a breast feed so I would always start with the breast then top up with a bottle. Some feeds he would feed nicely and other feeds he would fuss and kick and I couldn't work out why.

At 3 months I made the decision to give up breastfeeding, told myself it wasn't worth the aggravation and pleased I had tried my best and given some benefit to my babies health.
Suddenly it was like a weight was lifted and our breastfeeding relationship changed overnight. I was giving him what would have been one of his final feeds and he just looked up at me and gave me the biggest smile. It broke my heart. Sounds so cheesy but it was almost like he felt the stress had vanished.
Since then my milk returned and he has some great feeds. It's so convenient at night time to breastfeed without having to make up a bottle and he just falls straight back to sleep again. In the day I alternate between the breast and bottle. His dad can feed him formula if I go out or as I don't want to BF in public I take formula with us.

Sorry for the essay. The point I wanted to get across is that you should go with whatever you feel is right for you and your baby. Breastfeeding is a two way relationship so if it's not right for you then it is ok to formula feed. I think if you want to BF then there is hope and the pain does go away.

Im sorry you're struggling OP! That sounds horrid.
I could have written that post myself when I had my DS. A kind MW said I should stop torturing myself and think about formula or expressing until the nipples healed.
I gave my son formula for 2 days and expressed. After about 3 days the nipples seemed a bit better, I'd had some sleep and I tried the koala hold which luckily worked for us and made him open his mouth a bit more. Once we got better at bf we slowly phased out the formula and expressing over a matter of months.
Tbh the break saved my sanity. I would have lost it completely if I'd carried on bf exclusively. It doesn't have to be like this and switching to formula is not the end of the world. You get a break and a bit more headspace.
There is a bottle feeding support group on FB that's full of mums with similar experiences to your's. Try and join.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but as an aside, has anyone told you about nipple cream? It changed my world when I was first breast feeding! No fecker told me about it... there's several on the market, but mothercare one was the best. This was 18 years ago though so there may be other better stuff on the market now. Good luck with whatever you decide!

It’s bloody miserable isn’t it? Please know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
I had such a similar time with DD1, and this is what I did for 8 weeks: tried to BF before giving a bottle of EBM (very frustrating, tears, screaming baby), didn’t even try to BF at night - too stressful, gave formula when I was too exhausted and I/my nipples needed a break, healed my nipples with those mam compress things straight from the fridge.

I really wanted her to have breast milk more than I wanted to breastfeed, IYSWIM and I tore myself up about it. In the end combination feeding was the best solution for us, and little by little, as she grew and her mouth got bigger and her latch improved, we managed to go exclusively breast. I was pleased I persevered BUT I’m not sure I could do 8 weeks of that again. I wasn’t well, and that doesn’t benefit anyone. I would take the pressure off by switching to formula, definitely. Or at least be open to the possibility of it, which in itself can take the weight off your shoulders.

I really hope you feel better soon. It can be so, so hard and you’ve done so incredibly well already

Oh you poor thing. I remember those days well and they are so hard. My son had a shallow latch and it was so painful I used to scream every time he latched on.

For me, I was ready to quit after a few weeks. What saved me was an appointment with a private lactation consultant who came to my home and helped me. I’m so glad now I didn’t give up and am still breastfeeding two years later.

No one can tell you what to do, and I definitely was sure I was quitting in the early days, but with help it all clicked into place.

Go to the appointment then see how you feel. If you still want to quit don’t feel guilty, you’ve given it a good go. Hope things start to improve, those early days are so tough.

See what the LC says first, they may be able to sort your DDs latch out or it could be tt that has been missed (this is common) or lip tie or something like tightness in neck/shoulders due to birth which can restrict mouth opening.

The ‘flipple’ teqnique can help with a shallow latch if you haven’t already tried this.

As pp says you don’t have to strerilise if expressing so that may help a little. Expressing does usually become much quicker and easier (so you end up getting the same amount of milk in a shorter time or/and may not have to express as often) so it won’t always be like this if you did decide to express long term.

If you do want the possibility of breastfeeding at some point, make sure you do paced bottle feeding (it’s good for your baby to do anyway even if you end up bottle feeding long term).

You’ve got to do what you think is best for you though. Even if you do stop now, your baby has had over 2 weeks of breastmilk which is fantastic for her.

I would go along to the lactation consultant see what she says. At least you have the option of expressing, try what she suggest then if it's not working you could express and formula. That is what I did with DS, I had really good electric breast pump, I used to express 4 times a day at first, then 3, and top up with formula. I did this ,for 9 months.

If you don't want to do that, it's fine too. Your mental health is far more important.whatever method, baby is fed and that's the main thing.

I expressed for months with both dc. It was time consuming, but probably not more so than direct b/f (indeed, it had the advantage that they were in a routine of 3 hourly feeds rather than feedin g on demand.)

Both did eventually latch on of their own accord - ds at 4m, dd at just under 2 months. I went on to b/f ds for 14 m and dd for 2 yrs.

It is doable, but only of you want to do it. I was told by my lactation consultant that 84% of the benefits of b/f are transferred within the first 12 weeks, which was a great spur - I was determined to keep going till then, intending to give up at that point.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Breastfeeding is really hard. I had a similar experience with my first child and ended up getting really depressed. Second time round I tried again but when it didn't work, switched to formula, got DH to do a night feed, had some lovely refereshing sleep and was a better parent as a result! Do what is right for you.

Oh golly, and I forgot to mention nipple shields. Neither of mine would have latched on without these. I just phased them out gradually afterwards.

I made very short term goals with BF. Give the colostrum, get to a week, etc. I was prepared to give up whenever it impacted on me negatively and the only reason I kept going was because my HV wanted me to quit and bottle feed so she could record the volume, and I'm a bit of a stubborn cow.

Do what is best for you.There are pros and cons to both methods and in five years time it won't matter. I was FF from birth and it hasn't impacted on me as far as I can tell. My mother asked if it bothered me (as I BF) and it really doesn't. It's not poison and I was healthy; she made the best choice for her/us. Your well being is as important as anything else in this.

There's nothing to lose by attending the appointment and then deciding later that it's not for you. It's not a contract; attend and you must BF for a month.

Not being flippant here - but toss a coin. You're not looking for the direct answer, but whatever the result look to your instant emotional response. Is it relief, or it it a pang of wanting it the other way? My friends have laughed at this when it's a life decision, but sometimes instead of wavering between 2 options you can select just one to assess.