To give up breastfeeding now.... WWYD . Please be kind :-(

[Bea1985]

Hello all,

Just looking for a bit of WWYD type advice as I am so emotionally drained and tired, I just can't make a decision.

I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl on 2nd Dec after a very long labour and fairly traumatic birth. We were kept in hospital for 2 nights and were discharged without having properly established breastfeeding. I no know that this was wrong, but as a first time mum who'd been awake for several days (excepting the odd 20 min doze) at the point of discharge I just went along with everything.

I attempted to breastfeed on demand for the first 10 days of my daughters life. To cut a long story short I am sure she was hungry for the best part of this . She also had a very shallow latch, of you can even call it a latch- has never opened her mouth wide to latch (has been checked for tongue tie etc) and basically chewed the middle of my nipples to bits with her gums for 10 days solid. As I don't think she was every getting much milk, she was very lethargic and began to "give up" i.e. Sucking half-heartedly once or twice then falling asleep. I constantly had her and myself stripped off, blew on her, tickled her feet etc and it took probably 1.5 hrs on average before she had done a few visible "swallows". It really was a 24/7 job of her agonising latching on and off, falling asleep, me worrying that she wasn't eating, biting my hand and crying in pain and being drenched in my own leaked milk without time to regularly change or shower. My nipples became extremely damaged, weeping and blistered with cracks that bled into my milk every feed, and I did try nipple shields but the damage did not heal and the wounds opened up and bled every feed despite the shields.

I had several MW and HV visits in this time, as well as a "maternity visitor" who is apparently and expert on breastfeeding. I had lots of advice, some of it conflicting, and was mainly told to "work on getting a deeper latch", shown videos of what a good latch is (I already know this! She won't open her mouth) and told to do loads of skin to skin. I started to become very depressed, cried all the time and was doing nothing with my daughter except change her, and try/fail to breastfeed (us both in tears). Due to my labour and birth (and had no sleep in hospital) I was also extremely sleep deprived by this point.

I should say I have no family in the area , just me and my husband, and he has done his best to support me but has now gone back to work.

So, after feeling like I was on the verge of a breakdown and also feeling very guilty about the constant negative nature of my interactions with my baby, I started expressing milk (with a hand pump then with an electric one) every 2-3 hours and bottle feeding it.

My baby has been drinking heartily from the bottle and is so much more bright eyed and alert than before. Expressing, sterilising and feeding round the clock is just as tiring as before but at least I get to spend some time cuddling my daughter, neither of us is in tears and I know she is getting a good feed.

I've been expressing and feeding for a week now, and whilst it's stopped my feeling quite so low as I was when trying to breastfeed (I've even been out the house!) it's very time consuming, I'm sat attached to a pump for 40 mins every 2-3 hours and am very tired.... And still feeling guilty as the time I'm attached to a pump is time I could be spending with my baby. I never have time to do anything but feed, or feed related activity.... I want to be doing nice sensory things with her, getting out for fresh air, tummy time... None of that is happening.

Today (3pm) I have an appt with a proper lactation consultant at the hospital , I've been waiting for it for c. 10 days.... But I'm not sure I want to go. I'm now thinking about expressing for as long as possible, but less times per day (say 4-5) to get some rest. I'm thinking about giving baby top ups of Hipp (probably at night) and gradually moving onto formula full time.

I know it seems silly to want to give up now, but having spoken to the lactation consultant on the phone yesterday, she seems to advocate carrying on expressing whilst offering the breast/attempting to breastfeed at each feed, then giving the bottle when either of us gets stressed. She also advised on constant skin to skin, taking baby in the bath etc. It sounds awful I know, but I don't want to do all this any more. I want to get dressed. I want to do things other than attempt to feed my baby all night and day. With the attempted breastfeeding, expressing, sterilising and bottle feeding there is no time for anything else. I just want to gradually let the breastfeeding go, but feel so terribly guilty about it. My baby is not even 3 weeks old and I produce a lot of milk.... I just can't get it inside her without losing my sanity!

So I don't know whether to go this afternoon, or just make the decision to move towards formula and go out and get a perfect prep etc.

I'm sorry that this post is long and poorly structured, typed very quickly on iPad whilst baby dozes . I'm not looking to be told that breast is best of that I need to work on my latch.... Believe me I already know these things and am hugely pro BF. The thought of formula from 3 weeks is not something I would previously entertained, but now I completely understand why people do it . BF has probably been the hardest thing I have ever tried to do :(

So... What would others do? Keep trying or make a decision re. Formula and get in with it.

Thanks everyone X

Thank you waytroze but doesn’t it make you when you look back on it?!

I realise that this sounds completely bonkers but it took me weeks to release that DD was mine and that I was the decision maker - I somehow felt that she belonged to the hospital/GP/HV and that I had to do what they said! Madness.

Op your post sounds pretty much identical to the situation I had with ds. We made it 6 weeks with constant expressing as you describe and that nearly killed me. You get to a point when you just can't be attached to a pump round the clock.
So for what it's worth here's what I think. Yes in an ideal world breast feeding is best. But we are not in an ideal world. If you need to switch to formula now do it, your baby needs a healthy mother more than breast milk. If for your own sanity you need to keep trying breast feeding then you will find plenty of help but don't be put under pressure, make the best decision for you and your family.
Fwiw at 6 weeks we went 50/50 formula and expressed milk but my supply then declined and we switched to formula altogether at 8 weeks. I tortured myself at the time but I now have a happy, healthy 4 year old and it was the right thing to do in our situation. You need to find the right way for you and make the decision you need to make. Good luck.

I would go to the appointment and make the decision afterwards. Whatever decision you make, will be the right decision for you and BF, FF or combo are all perfectly acceptable.

To be honest the first 3-4 months with a new baby can be incredibly difficult. It's really hard when you are in the thick of it, but if you really want to breastfeed (you said you do) I'd say keep at it. In all likelihood, if you carry on for another 3 weeks and continue to ask for support you'll have got over the hump. I would also recommend reaching out to Le Leche league. I think they often give better advice than the NHS. I've gone to LLL meetings since my baby was 5 weeks old and have found the support network invaluable. We had tongue tie and shallow latch and I felt like we finally found our rhythm around 5 weeks. When we struggled at the beginning I felt it easier to tell myself I just needed to get through the day. If you take it day by day it seems less overwhelming. For the majority of women, BF does become easy once it's established.

Please, please do not put yourself under undue pressure to breastfeed,
I know it's really tough

I went through a quite similar situation to you with my DD who is now 4 months old, and I was so determined to BF but my DD couldn't latch on and I felt so terrible and such a failure and I was so upset to give her a bottle of formula.

The MWs didn't offer great advice or support and only told me to feed her more when I physically couldn't feed her/express any more than I already was!

In the end I combo fed my DD and she happily took both boob and bottle until she was about 8-9 weeks old and then refused the boob. I really wrestled with this because we all know that breast is best, but actually, your sanity, wellbeing and your baby being well fed is so much more important than whether your baby was breastfed or formula fed.

If it's really affecting you and you're at the end of your tether, please don't beat yourself up and be kind to yourself. Your baby will be happier if you're happy, and if that means giving your baby formula then you're doing the best you can for your baby. I know it's tough, but it's hard enough being a new mum, so cut yourself some slack. Hope it all works out xx

Oh god the cracks, the blood, the scabs, the screaming, never sleeping.. I feel you OP! My dd had a tongue tie which I was told was mild and not affecting latch. Eventually saw a specialist who diagnosed, had the tt divided and never looked back. Still bf 15 months later.

I totally understand why you want to give up and you should not feel guilty. Mine had a solution but it was sheer stubbornness that dragged us through the six or eight weeks before the solution. Looking back I probably shouldn’t have put us through it because it was a dark time.

I wouldn’t feel guilty for giving up breastfeeding for any reason. The fact that it’s making you unhappy and doesn’t seem to be working - i don’t actually really understand why you want to continue?!

In the grand scheme of things, breastfeeding is so unimportant.

@picoloangel Maybe I will feel angry in time. Today, I just feel relief to have made sense of that period and the help that didn't help.

100% I would switch to formula, now. For your own mental health. I was in exactly the same position with you with DS1, never occurred to me that I wouldn't breastfeed but for many complex reasons (many of which you list in your post) I couldn't feed him, was in agony, he was starving and I was utterly miserable. My midwife advised at day 10 when she weighed him and he had lost weight again despite me spending every minute of the day attempting to feed him, that my husband should go the supermarket to buy formula, give him my DS a bottle and that I should go to bed and sleep for 6 hours solidly, otherwise she was worried I would end up in hospital with sever PND. I love her for that. It was the best thing I ever did and I didn't go on to develop PND, although looking back I definitely suffered with PN anxiety, partly from the ridiculous guilt at having 'failed' to breastfeed. You sound like you could be on that path and it is not worth it for the misguided assumption that breast is best.

DS1 drank fine from a bottle and I pumped and gave him breast milk for 5 weeks but it all just became too time consuming. Stopping breast feeding was the best decision I ever made.

With DS2 I didn't hesitate to stop breastfeeding after 8 days when it was making me knackered and miserable and it was incredibly painful. With a toddler in tow and no family nearby I didn't have time to have a baby constantly attached to my breast.

Please switch now for your own mental wellbeing. Be careful when you stop BF though as it is incredibly painful. Beware of mastitis. As gross as it sounds cold cabbage leaves in your bra work brilliantly!

Congrats on your baby, hope you get to enjoy now

Breast isn't always best. What is important is that your baby is fed and that you keep you sanity.

With

Don't feel guilty, you need to look after yourself to be able to look after her! Both mine were bottle fed, I thought it was great as dh could have those snuggles too, I knew how much they were eating so it was easier to know if the cries meant tired/hungry etc.
Do what's best for you and her, and you're already being a fab mum

First, trust in yourself to make the right decision for your family. You can do this, and only you. Not medical people for you. You are important, not just the baby.

Why did you want to breastfeed? Because medical professional suggested it was better or for other reasons? In the scale of decisions you will make for your child's third is pretty small and no one is a perfect parent. Thinks of volume of cake my 4 year old has yesterday...

I refused to even try expressing with my first when we knew at birth she would never be able to bf.- I knew it was more than i could manage. But I bf my second because although it was hard for first 6 weeks, I knew it would make that first year easier. And it has, cosleeping and bf meant so much more sleep for me. A purely selfish decision. But it hurt for 2 weeks but she always gained weight so I didn't have that worry.

Good luck whatever you decide.

That made me stressed just reading that, you poor thing. I'd go to the appointment but personally, unless there was some kind of breakthrough advice and baby latched perfectly after the meeting, I'd be switching to formula at this point. I'm extremely pro breastfeeding but sometimes you just have to admit when something isn't working, change what you are doing and start enjoying that baby :)

I have a slightly different experience that might be helpful.

My dd is 13 weeks old and I have 100% expressed all her feeds since my milk came in on day 3. I produce about 700 to 900mls a day.

I express 3 times a day on both sides: once when I get up, then at about 3pm and then just before I settle down for the night. Sometimes, I'll sneak a quick one in if my breasts feel a bit uncomfortable.

I don't time my pumping though. I pump until my breasts feel properly drained, which usually means I pump between 300 to 500ml in a morning (both breasts), about 150 at each of the other pumping, and just stick it all in the fridge. It takes a total of about 3 hours a day.

This is, of course, completely against all the common wisdom of pumping. Yet I've also found other pumpers that have had a similar experience to me.

My feeling is that the gospel about supply and regular pumping isn't exactly true, nor are the warnings against pumping more than 60mls at any one time (which I think is just daft).

In your position where you are knackered and considering formula, I'd suggest going longer between your pumps, pumping more than one feed at a time if you can. Indeed, what you could try is turning to formula for a day and just pumping to emptiness (putting it in the fridge for later feeds) and assessing how your breasts feel afterwards. You'll soon get to know when you need to pump again.

I sterilise all my bottles and my pump though, but I only do the pump once a day and just stick it in the fridge between pumps.

The other benefit of this is that anyone can feed and the feeds are at bottle feeding speeds.

Just a idea though.

You poor thing - it can be pretty grim when you're in pain with bf. Could you face a mix up formula and ebf? I did this in similar circumstances with DD1 after getting mastitis and did my expressing in the evening when DH was home - he gave her a bottle while I relaxed in front of the TV in another room. It felt like less of a faff when it was "me" time.

Whatever decision you make remember that the most important thing for your baby is to have a fit and happy mum.

for you

Start the transition onto formula and enjoy your baby. Formula is a scientific solution to situations like yours. I say that as a mum who breastfed. Breast milk is food, not love. Formula is also food. Congratulations on your baby!

And op please don't worry about any bonding problems by bottle feeding. My ds only went onto the breast a couple of times and we have an incredibly strong bond. It will actually be easier to bond and enjoy your baby when you're not stressed about feeding and in constant pain.

Did you go and see the LC OP? Hope you're feeling better x

I had a similar start (but with 2 hospital readmissions for jaundice and weight loss). After 2 weeks I couldn't do it any longer and switched to formula plus a bit of expressing (now approx 1 feed a day EBM at 5 weeks) for the sake of my mental health. It was absolutely the right decision for me, although I'm still carrying a lot of residual guilt about giving up. I couldn't have carried on as things were.

Give yourself a break. If baby will take a bottle then get a perfect prep and a tub of formula. IME it’s like flicking a switch on your mental state. Most important thing is that you are happy and baby is fed

I don’t feel guilty and never looked back. My only regret is not switching sooner and torturing myself and my newborn during those first weeks

I meant to say op if you do stop expressing then you need to do it gradually. Stop the overnight ones first, drop one session every 3 days to give your boobs time to adjust. Expect a bit of a hormonal slump when you stop, I felt tearful for a day or two.

I had a very similar experience. I have been pumping my milk for 4 months now and topping up with formula. I have no life, I feel like a bloody cow and my nipples are very sore and look weird. However I am too scared to stop. My wee one has a cows milk allergy so I am currently not eating dairy either.

If I could go back in time, I would not have bothered. I stressed myself out a lot with trying to breastfeed and I still get severe anxiety when I need to pump and ‘will I have enough’ etc. The only thing really that’s stopping me at the moment is I’m worried she won’t take the dairy free formula without mixing it with my breast milk.

You’ve done amazing so far so do what feels right.

I also found the breastfeeding consultants really pushy and they definitely added to my stress.

I was in your exact position with my first baby. We were both so much better off once I switched to formula. Good luck whatever you decide.

I had issues breastfeeding and had to mix feed from birth. I tried and tried, and then started expressing, at first manually, then electric pump. Like you, I felt it took up time I could have spent with my baby. My life seemed to revolve around expressing. I felt so guilty. I eventually said enough was enough, I was tired, depressed and feeling so guilty. To be honest, moving fully to formula was best for my lo. You've gave your baby a great start, move to formula if you want & do not feel guilty. Your bond with your baby is important and so is your mental health. You won't lose anything by going to the lactation person, but you do what is best for baby AND you. Lots of luck 😊

You’ve tried your best and for one reason or another it’s not worked out.

I lasted 3 days with BF and I couldn’t stand it. It wasn’t for me. I thought it wasn’t but I wanted to try.

Expressing is double faff!

Go out, get some bottles, formula and the perfect prep machine if you want it and don’t give it second thought.