AIBU to hate the *adults don't need presents* brigade?

[Travis1]

Just that really? Hates probably a strong word but seriously dislike. Keep seeing it spouted on here continually but if adults don't need presents then on Christmas morning it's just me, DH and the cats staring at each other. When everyone else is out shopping for their little darlings barren old me will have 2 nieces and 1 nephew to buy for. Nothing else.

TTC 8 years so if it's not bad enough that I can't actually have kids now I can't have presents either? Feck off!

Why do people want to make others feel guilty for wanting to exchange gifts with the ones they love and to celebrate? Why shouldn't I buy my DH nice things and vice versa? Why shouldn't I buy MIL her favourite perfume that she wouldn't normally buy herself because of cost? Or my aunt tickets to a singer she's desperate to see?

Is it just martyrdom? Do these people actually not buy for anyone other than the children?!

This has given me inexplicable rage this morning

Doobigetta i couldn't have said if better. Christmas is about way more than a bunch of presents. I'm pleased they don't mean as much to me as they do to others.

You do what pleases you and your DH op.

However, if you wish to understand why people say no presents for adults, it's because they have probably already had to buy 50 presents or similar and cannot take anymore.

Bollocks to the lot of you who are so miserable you can't even find joy in the act of giving and receiving

The thing is at Christmas there is often no joy in the act of giving and receiving. There is a lot of obligation and anxiety. And a gift given spontaneously at a random time of year would be much more meaningful and joyful, rather than "Oh is Ethel coming too? What can we get her as I only see her once a year?"

If people want to exchange gifts as adults that's great - my DH and I always do but it's usually something small. We share a bank account so what's the point of telling each other to buy something we would buy for ourselves anyway? I'd rather have a nice holiday later in the year or go out for a nice meal.

And there are so many threads on here with people complaining about what they get. That's the bit that seems childish to me.

In my experience children are a lot more grateful for their gifts than the adults and I'd rather buy for them over adults any day of the week.

I think those with children forget just how much pleasure they get from watching their own kids open gifts.
To demand a childless sibling buys for just the kids and to not reciprocate with a gift for them is greedy and selfish imo.

But even better for this couple - and much kinder, especially as they seem to be younger and on a smaller budget than everyone else - would be if they bought for the kids, as they currently do, but each family gave them a gift in return.

I don't know the couple, of course. If I were in that position I certainly wouldn't want charity, I simply wouldn't want to be obligated to get other people random useless gifts. I use that language because I often get gifts that simply aren't fit for me, and there really is no better place than the bin (often, out of guilt, they first go to the back of the closet, and then a year later into the the bin).

This sort of sneery attitude is exactly what the OP was talking about. If you don't like presents that's fine (obviously) but why be so dismissive of the 'outdated custom' when so many people do like it?

The trouble is that it's not fine. People INSIST on giving gifts without knowing if you want to participate in this ritual. It's clear that people mean well, and I am not saying they are bad. I am criticizing a culture that promotes random excessive consumerism, where people feel like they have to give something, when in fact nothing might be better.

But the OP had a different complaint. Surely, she can get her DH as much as she wants, and vice-versa, without even anyone else knowing? Who precisely is telling them they can't do that? I don't think the "children only" brigade is saying couples shouldn't buy each other gifts. Presumably, people are close enough to their partner to decide how best to go about this, and I am not suggesting someone else should dictate what should be done. What I hear from the children only brigade is the sentiment that I put forward: let's put some brakes on this excessive consumerism where we can, and given that adults have their own money and know what they want, that's probably a good place to start. Keep in mind, the incredible hardship that people put themselves through, paying of credit card debt into March because of Christmas.

I'll get gifts from DH, DC and DM, I have 3 brothers and we've done secret santa for the last few years but we kind of left it too late this year. Only one of my brothers and me have kids so we buy for eachothers kids, I wouldn't expect my other 2 brothers to buy for 6 kids when they don't have any of their own, they usually get them selection boxes or something like that as a token though (which they all love anyway)

And a gift given spontaneously at a random time of year would be much more meaningful and joyful, rather than "Oh is Ethel coming too? What can we get her as I only see her once a year?"

exactly. I am very happy to buy something I see that I am sure someone close to me would love, and I do so at random times of the year. That's because the giving then really is free from obligation.

If people want to exchange gifts as adults that's great - my DH and I always do but it's usually something small. We share a bank account so what's the point of telling each other to buy something we would buy for ourselves anyway? I'd rather have a nice holiday later in the year or go out for a nice meal.

That is what I'm giving DH this year - a voucher for a meal out and the new Star Wars movie together. The kids are giving him some manky chocolates he loves for some unknown reason, and a mug for work they made him at a pottery cafe. I don't see the point in spending a massive amount from a shared account, either.

Having said that, a friend's DH got her a really beautiful diamond pendant at Christmas once - he'd been saving for it all year. That was pretty lovely, as they are on an okay income but by no means rich, and she would never have got it for herself. She always wears it and it's something she really values, because it was so thoughtful and he has to have made some sacrifices through the year himself to squirrel the cash away.

I'd kill DH for that, though. There are just so many other things we need a lot more at this stage in our lives. So again, it's really personal isn't it, what suits a family.

DH and I only buy each other a very small gift because we spend most of our budget on our DC then our nieces and nephews.
If there were less children around we'd spend more on adults- it's just a budget thing. No one expects you or anyone else to sit around with no presents on Xmas.

For the past 3 years I have got my cousin, her DH and her 2 kids presents and never ever got one in return as "they do not do adult presents" (they are far from skinny btw). Thing is I do not have kids! So this year, I am not getting them anything for Xmas, and will just send gifts for the kids' birthdays because I am done being a mug.

Keep in mind, the incredible hardship that people put themselves through, paying of credit card debt into March because of Christmas.

I do agree with that. My mum commented that she's quite glad she raised us at a time when there was such limited access to credit because it was simply not an option, spending a lot of cash you didn't have. Our stockings were just that - big socks, or pop socks - and we got the sort of stuff kids now get in their party bags. Our main presents would be stocking fillers now. I mean, my mum was poor, but she also lived inside her means. And it's a worry that people are sold this idea that if their kids don't have a fortune spent on them, they've not had a good Christmas. I'm as bad, frankly. We don't get into debt, but I do economise the last couple of months on everything else, just to pay for it all. And I'm sure there are much more sensible uses for the money, really.

It's just working out the line between nice festive traditions, and thoughtful presents and warm hospitality, and clever ways to inveigle your money out of you, isn't it. Not sure I've found it yet.

Skint not skinny (I am not that angry with them )

I agree! My DM has just suggested that next Christmas when her and DD have retired they will just by for their DGC. I want to shout "that's not fair" but my Dsis and DB think it's a good idea.

I absolutely get that with 3 DC and their partners plus 7 grandchildren it's getting too expensive but part of me thinks that my parents should by for their DC i.e me and then DH and I will for our DC.

I may be an adult but I still would like a present!☺️

YANBU. I spend a small fortune on presents for all my brother’s DC and am lucky to get a text message of thanks in return, never mind a present!

AngeloMysterioso In all fairness you chose to spend a fortune. Why spend so much of they're ungrateful?

I'm with you. There don't need to be a fuck tonne of presents, but getting something for some of the grown ups is lovely, money allowing etc.

I'm as excited about how DH will react to his Grid It (courtesy of a recommendation here) as anything any of the kids are getting!

DH is one of a family of 5, all married with 2 DCs, so buying for DCs cuts 16 presents down to 8 which is much more manageable, particularly if you've reached the stage of a token wine exchange at which point gift giving becomes pretty meaningless. One sibling took a long time to achieve their family, and we did give them presents until they finally had their family.

I've no issues with adults recieving presents, and it is unfair if a family ends up with a significant disproportion of giving over receiving, however where family situations are fairly equal reducing the present load by focusing on children works well for many families.

YANBU, but I'm really glad you started this thread! I've been wondering to myself if I'm unreasonable the way I handle present buying and you've convinced me I'm not!. Basically, DH's side do the only buy presents for kids thing with an adult secret santa ; we have no kids, but there are 8 DNs and now 6 great DNs for all of whom I buy / have bought presents every year. On my side we have two DNs but no ban on adult presents so my sister always buys presents all round (including from her cat to our cat). I generally spend between £20-£30 per head on DH's side but have been feeling guilty about spending a bit more (generally between £30-60 depending on what it is - its more important to find the right thing) on my side. Not going to feel guilty any more - sister and her kids reciprocate, none of others ever even say thank you.

please do understand that it's not that adults don't deserve it want gifts, it's that once you hit your 30's there's suddenly all these kids to buy for and instead of the often hit and miss adult gifts

I don't think it's that. There a couple of posters on here on the threads where people have asked for what to buy partners, what people have got for their partners etc and they activitely reply with things like, "presents for adults, how ridiculous" etc.

My favourite reply is, "if your DH works and is a fully functioning adult why on earth are you buying him Christmas presents, he has a wage doesn't he?"

It's not the ones who suggest it as a way to save money but the ones who think presents and fun should stop once you turn 18.

What is a "fully functioning adult" anyway? We're humans, not machines with no purpose or feelings, only "functions". Not every valuable part of life is logical or functional.

'Functioning' I reckons there's a lot of people I know that's don't function in that case!!

Maybe some function 40% of the time....

What is a "fully functioning adult" anyway? We're humans, not machines with no purpose or feelings, only "functions". Not every valuable part of life is logical or functional

Who knows.

When I said my favourite reply, it wasn't my reply, it was my favourite reply that someone left on a posters thread about what they can buy for their DH for Christmas.

I just find it funny that some people are so aghast at adults buying other adults presents for Christmas.

It's the same ones who reply that charities would better off and try and guilt you that way, that you are ruining the earth as children get plastic tat etc, that the season isn't about presents etc.

Basically they judge without knowing and expect everyone to bow to their superiority because they don't give Christmas presents, they don't send or receive Christmas cards and they don't have any plastic tat at all in their house.

Sorry about your fertility issues OP.
I don't want to buy for other people's kids either...I get no pleasure from seeing nieces and nephews open their gifts, they all have far too much stuff - we live nowhere near them, it was a rare occasion if we got a muttered thank you and I'm not surprised because they have too much stuff! I have managed to drop all the presents for extended relatives - I now buy for my parents (Mum expects it and would be very upset if I didn't otherwise I wouldn't bother, mind you she has too much stuff too - now asks for showed gel and toiletries but she's overloaded with these too) and my kids(can't convince them to drop gifting - funny that!) and that is it and it's enough. Dh and I are at peak stuff, we haven't bought anything in ages either, presents do not make me happy, they usually make me wonder how well someone knows me - I find them to be disappointing, I'd rather chose my own stuff. This isn't just about Christmas - people coming to my house for dinner or to stay for a few days are banned from bringing me gifts, they can bring a bottle of wine if they want but nothing else - I don't need any more stuff! What anyone else wants do about gifting is their business - just don't impose the gift giving on me - I've had enough of it, it's boring and pointless.