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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a third child...

111 replies

StrugglingAlbion · 18/12/2017 23:57

...despite knowing that it makes more sense to stick with two?

My two daughters are very young - 3 and 5 months. When DD2 was born we said that was it, we were done. We probably could financially cover a third but we think we would be able to give our two girls a better life if we just stick at two. Due to complications with childbirth I also worry about having a third - perhaps I have pushed my luck enough. Then there is the impact on my career.

But I can't stop thinking about a third. I feel so sad when I think of DD2 being our last baby. DH is of the "never say never" persuasion but at the moment isn't really up for it. He said "we could have six babies and you'd still feel sad that this was the last one"

Is he right?

I am genuinely so conflicted about it. I mean I know I don't have to decide right now, but still....

OP posts:
ZigZagandDustin · 19/12/2017 00:00

5 maths is when I always wanted another. I think it's common to feel like that at that point.

I think having a third would cure you of wanting more! 3 is very very different to 2!

Hatsoffdear · 19/12/2017 00:08

I dont think 3 is that different to two really. It’s movung from one to two that’s different. From 2 onwards it’s has to be planned.

We had 5 and both happy with that. But you have to look at the logistics.

I was a Sahm and we could just about afford that so it was ok.

You have to be practical and sensible.

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 19/12/2017 00:10

Oh it's bloody hard with two. It's been very hard. But this stage is so temporary isn't it. And they bring us so much happiness.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 19/12/2017 00:12

I'm one of three.... Either have two more, or no more

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 19/12/2017 00:14

That's interesting Olenna why do you say that?

OP posts:
LadyHonoriaDedlock · 19/12/2017 00:14

Everyone says it's not that big a leap from two to three but just personally for me it was. It tipped my under control household into chaos. I utterly adore my third child and can't imagine life without her, but it's been very hard and tbh cost me my marriage because my exh couldn't cope. Not saying everyone's experience is the same, just wanted to give my view.

Dozer · 19/12/2017 00:15

The cost of 3 DC isn’t temporary! IME it’s hard enough workwise with 2DC and the only women I know who do with three have a SAHH or a lot of family help.

Your H’s comment would annoy me a lot - eg dismissive and makes presumptions about your feelings - and sounds like rubbish. If you had 5 DC you’d be broke and knackered, doubt you’d be posting about your desire for another!

steff13 · 19/12/2017 00:21

I think it's a bit early to make a decision either way. Personally, I have three, and it's fine. We have a large age gap between #2 and #3. Our financial situation was a million times better when we had #3, too.

Battleax · 19/12/2017 00:25

5 maths is when I always wanted another. I think it's common to feel like that at that point.

Yes me too, and lots of women say the same. I must be nature's way of packing them in and keeping the breeding age females pregnant.

Similarly, the late 30s hormone surge. Body chemistry is powerful.

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 19/12/2017 00:27

I wasn't annoyed by DHs comment at all. I love being pregnant. I love having a snuggly newborn and I love my girls so much. He knows me. He knows it would make me sad to say that's it, that part of our lives is over now.

OP posts:
DilysMoon · 19/12/2017 00:28

I've found easier in some ways and harder in others. I do love having 3 but am definitely 'done' and knew it as soon as I'd had dc3, had always wanted 3 though. My age gaps are bigger though, now 12, 9 & 3.

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 19/12/2017 00:29

That's really interesting that 5 months is a common stage to feel this way. I will definitely bear that in mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 19/12/2017 00:30

I just don't feel like I am "done". But I know I need to be sensible and practical about it.

OP posts:
quackquackfuckoff · 19/12/2017 00:35

We can't make up our minds about having another child (have two already) but have concerns about middle child syndrome (does it really exist?)
There is also the issue of money, DH always brings up the issue of "family" tickets usually being 2 adults plus 2 children, same with hotel rooms and so on.
A third child also usually means a new car/house unless you're lucky enough to have them big enough in the first place.
DH always brings up the consideration of wanting to give the two we do have a better quality of life than we would be able to offer them if we were to have a third child adding strain on the finances.
Incidentally, DD and DS are both begging for a baby brother or sister, I thought it was supposed to the the parents who are persuading their children of the advantages of adding another sibling, not the other way round? Hmm

grumpysquash3 · 19/12/2017 00:42

I have 3. A third one was completely fine. I would quite have liked a 4th, but from a practical point resources would just have been spread too thinly.
It was a head - not a heart - decision of when to stop for me. If it was purely emotional, I would probably still be having babies.
Middle child "syndrome" is really not a thing, I find it a bit offensive TBH.

OlennasWimple · 19/12/2017 01:37

As a middle child, I disagree that middle child syndrome is not a thing... It's not inevitable, of course, and there are lots of factors involved like age gaps, sex, personalities etc etc. But I know plenty of middle children who feel the same as me, that it's not great being Not the Eldest But Not the Youngest

Skowvegas · 19/12/2017 01:44

I found having a third totally turned our lives upside down. I laugh hollowly when people say it's not much of a jump from two to three.

But he's absolutely wonderful and I have never ever regretted making the decision to have a third.

Dancinghorses36 · 19/12/2017 01:53

Aww honestly, it's fine, we were complete with our two daughters but then had an unexpected pregnancy and had another daughter,, we now have three gorgeous girls 9, 11 and 16 and we wouldn't change any of the arguments or the daily dramas for the world 😁 Bloody hard sometimes but it's life, and we aren't here long so go for it xx

Kimlek · 19/12/2017 02:05

We have 3 DD. Only planned 2. I often wonder how the dynamic would be with just the 2 of them. Or if we had a 4th. If an odd number causes issues or if it’d make no difference. If they’d be closer etc but I’ll never know. I love children and emotionally lots would be great. The affordability, logistics (think hotel rooms etc), inability to get 3 car seats along the back, stupid stuff that with 2 isn’t an issue. But not big enough issues to stick to 2 if you really want more, can afford more and can easily cope/manage a third/fourth etc.

loveyouradvice · 19/12/2017 02:09

Heavens above - having children is a totally irrational thing to do - especially if you measure it by your yardsticks

so of course you're not BU.... but perhaps a little soon to be deciding?

KERALA1 · 19/12/2017 04:20

I really wanted a third when dd2 that age it passed off and we stuck at 2. Very glad we did. Have our lives back, kids get on brilliantly, easy to travel and have adventures with 2. Am one of 3 one always left out. Plus they do loads of activities and cost more and more as they get older...

araiwa · 19/12/2017 04:44

I think a third child is a lot more difficult than two

More children than parents and more children than hands of one parent.

Codlet · 19/12/2017 05:16

For me, the jump from three to two was much harder than the jump from one to two. Probably because DC3 was by far the worst sleeper of the three!

Foobarjar · 19/12/2017 05:23

I have 2 and fantasise about a 3rd. But seriously it's only just got easier. I can let the 5 yr old in the car and ask her to buckle her self up. Really tiny wins...

When I had a 2 yr old and 5 month old. It was easy compared to a year or 2 or 3 years later. 5 months they don't do much, wait until 2 bickering kids!!!! 😘

blackdoggotmytongue · 19/12/2017 05:24

We pushed our luck. Dc3 was brain damaged at birth. She’s freaking awesome but there is no denying that having a brain damaged younger sibling had a huge effect on every aspect of dd1 and ds1’s lives. They were 3 and 18 mos when she was born.