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Original poster

To want a third child...

111 replies

StrugglingAlbion · 18/12/2017 23:57

...despite knowing that it makes more sense to stick with two?

My two daughters are very young - 3 and 5 months. When DD2 was born we said that was it, we were done. We probably could financially cover a third but we think we would be able to give our two girls a better life if we just stick at two. Due to complications with childbirth I also worry about having a third - perhaps I have pushed my luck enough. Then there is the impact on my career.

But I can't stop thinking about a third. I feel so sad when I think of DD2 being our last baby. DH is of the "never say never" persuasion but at the moment isn't really up for it. He said "we could have six babies and you'd still feel sad that this was the last one"

Is he right?

I am genuinely so conflicted about it. I mean I know I don't have to decide right now, but still....

OP posts:
cunningartificer · 19/12/2017 22:14

I have three, grown up, incredibly close. They laugh at the idea that three means someone left out. I would have loved four (lost one) but was grateful for what we had. And they have been an utter joy. Feeling broody can be a perennial issue and it’s worth thinking carefully through your motives and fears. But it’s also worth thinking through what’s important to you. You may find that your children get more from having another sibling than from more “stuff“. I really don’t recognise the “three means chaos” views—just not my experience at all. Don’t let fear put you off.

JumpingJetFlash · 20/12/2017 10:16

I’m really glad that’s the case for your three but - as lots of the examples on here show - it’s not an uncommon experience.

InfiniteSheldon · 20/12/2017 12:52

I'd say the same to my mum

TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain · 20/12/2017 15:03

We are having this debate discussion right now. Dd1 is 7.5 but has some additional needs and is a bit high maintenance although she is also kind and caring. Dd2 is 2 almost 3 but I have chronic migraines and fibromyalgia amongst other things. DH always said 2 was enough whilst I wanted more then a few months ago he said we should go for it and it almost ripped my heart out. I would love another more than anything and financially we could cope both dds say they want a brother or sister but I just worry if Dd1 needs more help and another baby dd2 wouldn't get the time she deserves.

Drizz · 20/12/2017 15:25

Currently pregnant with number 3, a natural surprise after needing IVF for 1 and 2. I am incredibly grateful as I always wanted a big family and when we took 4 years to have our DS I shelved that wish. I can report back how insane it is after March. Especially as we'll have 3 under 3 (something else I never envisaged)...

I am number 3 of 4 and love it (once I got over my jealousy of no 4). Yeah, clearly a lot less attention to go round than we've been able to lavish on our kids so far, but always action, fun, my best friend is my elder sister, and now our parents are ageing and ailing a massive support to share the worries and the burden between us.

But both DH and I have stable jobs with decent incomes. Our house is too small, as is our car, but we have funds to remedy that in years to come. Also our employers have by now proved themselves to be very reasonable around child care (and in my case parental care) worries.

AhhhhThatsBass · 20/12/2017 16:14

Most of my friends with 3+ say that going from 2-3 was the hardest of all.

Ropsleybunny · 20/12/2017 16:19

Three did it for me, I was just done after having three.

Ropsleybunny · 20/12/2017 16:20

Oh and just to add I hardly noticed the third one. Your whole life is already geared around your children, so our third one just slotted right in.

CaptainChristmas · 20/12/2017 16:24

A friend of mine has four and said;

“Having three children is like you’re drowning and someone gives you a baby to hold”

She went on to have another one though, so can’t have been as bad as all that? Don’t know.

I still wouldn’t do it myself.

I also am wary of some of the comments from people with grown up dcs who all got on great and never felt pushed out etc, as surely a lot of people would never actually say to their parents if they did? Not saying it can’t be that way. I’m sure it is for lots of families.

KalaLaka · 20/12/2017 16:25

But this stage is so temporary isn't it

Older children aren't always as easy and stress-free as you may imagine! There's a whole load of emotional stuff you have to deal with. I'm yet to deal with the full on teenage years, but I don't imagine they'll be easy either!

KalaLaka · 20/12/2017 16:26

I'm planning a 4th so I'm willing to do it all again... 3 is busy and tiring, but good for us!

zonkin · 20/12/2017 16:45

I have four and found the move from two to three quite easy. However, the move from three to four was a real struggle. I am most definitely done. However, I think that I knew that when I was pregnant with DC4.

I did go back to work last year (stopped work after DC3) but have recently stopped as it was really difficult juggling both our jobs, time with the kids, etc.

I am one of three and didn't feel that any one of us was left out and neither of my siblings have ever mentioned it.

Figgygal · 20/12/2017 16:53

I have never entertained having 3 in my whole life until ds2 was about 5 months now he's 14 months I'm back to feeling done and can't believe I ever contemplated it in the slightest. Hormones are sneaky things

CurryWorst · 20/12/2017 16:58

But I know plenty of middle children who feel the same as me, that it's not great being Not the Eldest But Not the Youngest

And there are all those who moan about how hard it is to be the eldest, or the youngest, or the 3rd of 4, or a half or a step or a whatever you are having yourself.
As well as all of those in those postions who would have no issue. So all you can actually surmise that some people will moan wherever they are in a family and some won't!

RandomUsernameHere · 20/12/2017 17:00

I have 2 and would love 3 but DH doesn't want any more at the moment. He keeps saying he might change his mind in a year or so but I don't want a really big age gap. It feels like it's now or never. It's been really interesting reading the comments on here.

PineappleScrunchie · 21/12/2017 07:31

I think the grass is always greener to some extent though. Both DH and I are one of two and hated it. For us it was 1 or 3.

BertramTheWalrus · 21/12/2017 07:44

I'm surprised by all the negative comments about having 3. Many threads on this topic end up completely the opposite, with loads of posters saying go for it, 3 is great!
I'm one of three and liked it because there was always loads going on. I'm not very close to one sibling but very close to the other, so I always felt lucky to have experienced a close sibling relationship which I wouldn't have if I had only had one sibling.
I have two children and would love three, but don't know if it's going to happen - two is a lot of work and I am only now finding my way back into work.

georgie262 · 21/12/2017 08:16

I'm pregnant with DC3 and it was very much a heart over head decision. TBH this thread is terrifying for me. Was hoping for a few more positive stories when I came across it 😔

LoniceraJaponica · 21/12/2017 08:17

"I'm surprised by all the negative comments about having 3"

Why? Not everyone understands the urge to have another child.

Also, maybe many of the posters on this thread are one of three siblings and have experienced the negative side of it.

Frazzledmum123 · 21/12/2017 08:25

Op I could have written your post only my broodiness is for a 4th! I personally love having three and it works really well for us, I didn't find it a leap either. My older 2 are a bit and a girl though so I've made a point of saying the middle one is my big girl, my first ever girl so she feels she has a 'role' if you like. My son, the oldest is super chilled too and amazing with his sister and I feel it works well because they either all play together or two do and I get some alone time with the other. I do have a lot of family around too which has been extremely useful so I can 'offload' my baby to go to school things with the others. The only time I found it harder was when we went to a theme park and there was only two adults and 3 kids but we managed.
Two was never going to be enough for me, not saying my older two weren't enough of course they are but I always wanted a big family. I'm now in your situation in that I think the number we have us right for us but my heart is desperately aching for another. I feel so sad at the thought 'that phase of my life is done. My husbandis dead against a 4th and I think really he is right, we could just about to it but it would go from being comfortable to being a bit tight. But whenever I see a baby I feel a real bang of sadness, a real desperate yearning. My husband said the same as yours, ill never be done and again I think he is right, I will always yearn for another. I think like you Do, baby stage is hard but it passes and you are left with such a wonderful gift. I'm personally goi g to try and get my head around it and concentrate on getting a bit of me back then if I still feel like this next year, broach the subject again!

Frazzledmum123 · 21/12/2017 08:26

Wow, sorry that was long!

LoniceraJaponica · 21/12/2017 08:34

Frazzled just think ahead to the horrible stress and expense of having several teenagers. That is as good a contraceptive as any.

Summergarden · 21/12/2017 08:39

We went for a third and I don’t regret it. But honestly, I found it a massive leap going from 2 to 3. I found 2 pretty easy but 3 much harder. Splitting my time and attention enough to give them what they deserved with differing needs.

I was happy to give up work and we could comfortably afford it financially, it also makes it a lot easier to be able to run them to their different after school clubs (see previous point about splitting your time 3 ways). If your career is very important honestly I’d just stick at 2.

ecosln · 21/12/2017 08:48

I had 2 and kept all the baby stuff .. I always wanted three. Head said 2. chatting to dh and hearing him say . "I would love 3.....but its not very practical.." was enough for me to be happy with 2......

Then I found out I was pregnant and dc3 is now 6months.

He is so loved and adored by all. Our family is complete. In no way do I need or want another.... but my home my life is chaos.

Trying to write another thread asking for help as I am snowed under with children. 3rd maternity leave is so different from first. Granted eldest is at school and school days are short!

I was worried about coping and I was right. I have guilt about giving them attention. I feel bad I sometimes wish the day away. My newborn honeymoon phase is over and it's hard work.

You know you will love a third. Just make sure you have enough support. Not sure i do.

Summergarden · 21/12/2017 08:51

Just to add- the people I know who have 3, 4 or more and seem to enjoy it most and cope best also seem to be the ones who left largest age gaps between them. Someone I know with 4 years between each child found it manageable because the eldest ones were 8 and 12 so a lot less needy, didn’t need to be read to every night etc.

That might be worth bearing in mind.

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