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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a third child...

111 replies

StrugglingAlbion · 18/12/2017 23:57

...despite knowing that it makes more sense to stick with two?

My two daughters are very young - 3 and 5 months. When DD2 was born we said that was it, we were done. We probably could financially cover a third but we think we would be able to give our two girls a better life if we just stick at two. Due to complications with childbirth I also worry about having a third - perhaps I have pushed my luck enough. Then there is the impact on my career.

But I can't stop thinking about a third. I feel so sad when I think of DD2 being our last baby. DH is of the "never say never" persuasion but at the moment isn't really up for it. He said "we could have six babies and you'd still feel sad that this was the last one"

Is he right?

I am genuinely so conflicted about it. I mean I know I don't have to decide right now, but still....

OP posts:
speakout · 19/12/2017 08:03

lonicera- I have never felt very broody either.

I didn't become pregnant until I was 38 ( and it was an accident)
OH was desperate for a child so I gave birth to our son ( and then a daughter quite quickly afterwards.
I knew I was done after the second.

I love my children to bits but never had a desire for more.

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 19/12/2017 08:19

This is really helpful. It really is a heart v head decision for me. I like what a previous poster said about just enjoying my two for now. That's what I'm going to do.

OP posts:
CaptainChristmas · 19/12/2017 08:19

I’m one of three and personally wouldn’t have a third either. I am a middle child though, so have that famous chip Wink. I just found family life quite pressured and busy. My mum found it very stressful too as my dad worked a lot. I get on pretty well, most of the time, with my siblings now, but we have moved to different corners of the country and rarely see each other. I speak to them on the phone though.

Of my generation, only my sil and two friends, (so far), have three and both have found it really hard. On the other hand, my mil said that she found her third a doddle, so it probably depends on the family. Mil’s dd is the sil who has had a much harder time than she expected with number 3.

It wouldn’t be impossible for us to have a third, financially speaking, but I know we’d be a lot more comfortably off for time and money if we stop at two.

I love parenthood, but I remember how much my mum had to devote to raising us, (though she was a sahm and my dad worked loads). I think with a third, it might become an all encompassing task for parents, with even less time for career and other interests than with two and I don’t want that.

Original poster
StrugglingAlbion · 19/12/2017 08:21

However I also agree that forgetting to buy your child a present isn't "middle child syndrome" - it's just shoddy parenting 😕 I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm on of three though (the eldest) and we were all treated the same.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 19/12/2017 08:38

I wanted 3, we stuck at 2. It was very hard emotionally for a number of years and even now I have pangs (luckily I'm beyond childbearing age). However, now mine are older I realise that i had hugely underestimated how expensive things get as they grow and I'm glad we stuck at 2. People always say that teens don't have to be expensive and, true, they don't. You can dress them from charity shops abd feed them beans on toast and deny them hobbies and school trips and they can have the cheapest phones and be the only one who never gets to join their friends going to the cinema/bowling/Jump/skate park of a Saturday- but personally that's not the life I want for my kids.

TabbyTigger · 19/12/2017 08:40

Just to weigh in - I have 5, but the oldest 3 are 18, 13, and 12, and 13yo came into our lives when she was 4 (stepdaughter who I then adopted at age 8), and made our family 5. I found that it actually reduced the number of arguments, and though I obviously missed the having three-including-a-baby stage, I found having three plus a baby no more stressful or chaotic than one plus a baby was. And even little things like the amount of waste reduced for us (and it meant we could make the most of “family tickets”!!)

I say enjoy your two for now, and see how you feel in a year or two. Definitely don’t rule anything out because of “middle child syndrome” - I am bang in the middle of 9 children and have never had that chip on my shoulder, and I’ve never heard my own “middle children” express that. I think it’s down to parenting, not actual birth order. I know a family who spoil their middle child to compensate for “middle child syndrome” so the little one gets neglected.

HateSummer · 19/12/2017 08:47

But I know plenty of middle children who feel the same as me, that it's not great being Not the Eldest But Not the Youngest

If she had 4 children like you suggest, she’d have 2 children with “middle child syndrome” 😂😂

Op, I have 3, and no.2 and 3 have a really small age gap. They could be mistaken as twins sometimes now no.3 is getting older. They all play, fight, and involve each other in games. It’s bloody hard sometimes but worth it.

KERALA1 · 19/12/2017 08:55

And people with tiny ones explain it's not more expensive because of hand me downs etc well that all changes!

By the time you factor in music lessons, other activities, school trips, hankering after certain products like trainers, phones, extra hotel rooms as can't fit in one room not to mention paying for higher education am glad we didn't have a third. And we are quite high income and not overly indulgent.

TeaAndAMarmiteSandwhich · 19/12/2017 09:00

Well OP, I'm in a similar boat. I want a third child with all my heart, sometimes so much it almost physically hurts! I know I would be done at 3, but my family doesn't feel complete with 2. DH (and he really is a 'D'h xxx) doesn't want anymore (and really really really doesn't!). Sad

MaidenMotherCrone · 19/12/2017 09:02

I have 3 and it's been great. Harder than 2 at times but you adjust and find new strategies to deal with situations.

TeaAndAMarmiteSandwhich · 19/12/2017 09:03

Ps. Should mention that my current 2 DC's are amazing, fantastic little boys and I am very happy to have my little family (just can't help wanting a third!) I will watch this thread with interest as might help me!

LittleRen · 19/12/2017 09:10

I am due number three on 10th Jan. We knew we always wanted three... it was always the number for us, I came from three. We lost my brother 7 years ago and being two has just never felt the same, I miss it. I loved having two siblings and I wanted the same for my children. Yes it’s expensive but for me worth it. It’s far too early for you to decide though... see how you feel in a year or two!

whattoweartomorrow · 19/12/2017 09:17

DH is a middle child and is super chilled out with no hang ups about it. The people I know with the most stereotypical middle child syndrome are actually the 3rd of 4, I know two women who are the 3rd of four girls, who felt completely forgotten about, and one girl who is the third girl with one younger brother. None of the middle children of three felt it so much, but I think the sex and order is significant.

LoniceraJaponica · 19/12/2017 09:26

TeaAndAMarmiteSandwhich unfortunately your husband's wishes do trump yours. I can understand why he wouldn't want to go back to nappies, broken nights, extra responsibility, more expense etc etc.

juneau · 19/12/2017 09:27

I never wanted a third, but when DS2 was around 5 months I had these irrational daydreams and yearnings to have another. Later, when I'd returned to good sense, I put it down to hormones settling back down after pregnancy!

Seriously though, three is an odd number and with odd numbers there is always an odd one out. Also, pretty much everything in life is set up in pairs of two - seats on trains, seats on rides at amusement parks, most cars can only accommodate four comfortably, and there aren't many economies of scale the more DC you have. Yes, if its another girl you can pass clothes and toys down - but you still going to need a bigger car (particularly as they get older and bigger), you'll still have to pay for another ticket everywhere you go, another set of uniform, another set of birthday and Christmas presents. R

My older DB and his DW had three and they've said pretty much from the get-go that they should've stuck to two. Their third tipped their already somewhat skint and disorganised household into chaos. It stopped SIL going back to FT work by another few years and they admit that the cost has shocked them. They have three girls and thought the cost wouldn't be much more - but it is.

FacelikeaBagofHammers · 19/12/2017 09:27

I have two kids, 5 and 3. I'm also 37 so feel like it's now or never if we were to try for a third.

I'm really torn too. I find 2 a struggle a lot of the time, the squabbles and the noise - but I'm from a family of 3 myself and don't have that 'done' feeling I wish I had!

It's a really tough decision!

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 19/12/2017 09:28

The world is geared up for 2kids. Holidays, ratios for swimming, car size, general house size, a lot of family discounts )this always pisses me off - apparently families don’t come with just one child according to the entertainment indistry or 3 according to much of it). The fewer the kids you have the easier it will be to financially help them, the more you have the more precarious their financial future). But none of this will affect how you feel.

Jaggythistle · 19/12/2017 09:42

You're both kinda right.

We changed our minds and had a 3rd. I'd still have another if I wasn't feeling too old and already outnumbered. Blush

It's very... umm... Loud and busy with the 3 of them now that youngest is a toddler. I also bloody love it like a pp said. :)

I'm sure they're going to get very expensive and eat us out of house and home. Also holidays for 5 instead of 4 can be tricky.

OlennasWimple · 19/12/2017 11:37

But I know plenty of middle children who feel the same as me, that it's not great being Not the Eldest But Not the Youngest

If she had 4 children like you suggest, she’d have 2 children with “middle child syndrome

Not the same when there are two children in the same position

KERALA1 · 19/12/2017 11:48

Frankly the thought of doing it all again, morning sickness, labour, no sleep, weaning, soft play biff and sodding chip and kipper makes me want to cry...

KatharinaRosalie · 19/12/2017 11:59

I posted a similar topic recently, except that DH is the one wanting a 3rd.

We have decided not to - ours are just getting more reasonble and independent and turning intoquite pleasant company. Add a 3rd and we would not be able to enjoy those childhood years the same way, but would be still mainly preoccupied by a newborn or tantumming toddler .

Bluelonerose · 19/12/2017 12:24

I have 3 and I would desperately like a 4th but dh isn't sure.

Like a lot of others I don't feel like I've finished having children.
I'm not sure how you deal with that?
I held my friends new born a few weeks ago went home and sobbed my heart out that it would never be me again.

It would be a complete upheaval to have a 4th though as mine are 14, 13 and 7.

studentmum3 · 19/12/2017 20:58

@zigzag
I didn't say other people's experience were bollocks. That would be ridiculous. Someone's perception of their own experiences always has validity. I said a lot of what is claimed about having 3 is bollocks. I stand by that. I'm a middle child who was treated differently from my siblings...but that came down to parenting and personalities. Other people will have had different experiences.

Just because a family has 3 children it doesn't mean the middle child will have issues, or that life with an odd number always has to be awkward. It also doesn't mean it will all be fine and dandy. A family unit is what that family makes of it.

A family of 4 is seen as the core family size these days. But what if the personalities of the two children clash horribly? What if the age gap doesn't work for that family? Or perhaps it works really well.

It's all a bit of a lottery. I went with what felt right to me. Hopefully it won't be a disaster. Others go with what is right for them, be that one child or ten!

Babyroobs · 19/12/2017 21:27

I'd stick at 2. We have 4 and it's chaos and difficult to juggle any kind of career. Things became very chaotic going from 2 to three. Even now they are teenagers we are still facing years of trying to help the kids through Uni, driving lessons etc and whilst we can afford it I think if it is going to stretch you financially then it's probably best to stick to 2 as they get so much more expensive as they get older.

JumpingJetFlash · 19/12/2017 21:59

I’m one of three - I’d stick with 2 or go for 4. When I was growing up, there was always someone left out in games or on days out as everything is geared to pairs. I hated it and I didn’t have parents that forgot me, there just wasn’t enough time/energy/resources to go around properly - forgetting your child is really crappy and I’m sorry for those that did.

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