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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One of our wedding guests has died

59 replies

MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 01:19

My DH is in the forces, so I haven’t met a lot of his friends.

One of his close friends came to our wedding 4 weeks ago with his new fiancé, tonight DH has gone back to base and his friends brother has posted on FB that he has died from Pneumonia Sad.

We have no contact details for his fiancé and have sent all our thank you cards out today and included wedding photos in our cards - what should we do? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 01:20

DH has been texting him the last few days joking etc as knew he was in hospital and only this afternoon texted him for his address which he replied to Sad

OP posts:
TanteRose · 18/12/2017 01:21

so sorry for the loss of your friend Sad

I guess you could ask the brother for contact details and maybe send a card/flowers to the fiance?

what a shock, though...

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 01:23

I know Sad

I suggested to DH he messages the brother tomoz and sends condolences and asks for the fiancé’s contact details?

We will try and get to the funeral but I expect it won’t be until the new year.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 01:25

He’s being all stoic but I think he is totally devastated.

I vetoed him being best man after his brother pulled out 3 weeks before because he hadn’t met me Sad

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/12/2017 01:57

That’s so shocking, you don’t expect, young, fit, healthy men to die from pneumonia. Was he here in the uk? It’s hard to comprehend how he could be texting your DH one minute then such a short time later have died. His fiancée & family must all be in absolute bits - your DH too.

Please don’t worry yourself about saying no to him being Bestman, your decision was totally understandable.

scottishdiem · 18/12/2017 02:39

"He’s being all stoic but I think he is totally devastated.

I vetoed him being best man after his brother pulled out 3 weeks before because he hadn’t met me"

Yeah that might be playing on his mind as well to be honest. Be prepared for some upset unjustifiable comments about that. If he was that close he is going to find it hard.

Italiangreyhound · 18/12/2017 03:22

"Yeah that might be playing on his mind as well to be honest. Be prepared for some upset unjustifiable comments about that. If he was that close he is going to find it hard."

I doubt anyone would be holding a grudge about something so silly at a terrible time like this.

OP I am so sorry this must be very sad. I think asking the brother for contact details so you can send condolences to the finance is a good idea.

scottishdiem · 18/12/2017 03:30

"I doubt anyone would be holding a grudge about something so silly at a terrible time like this."

Grief does stupid things. If this friend was also in the forces they may have seen heavy fire together and built a tremendous bond. Which was vetoed. The grief of losing someone to an illness after surviving so much does frazzle thought processes.

Battleax · 18/12/2017 03:33

Pop a condolences card in the post today. It won't arrive far behind the thank you card, if at all.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 18/12/2017 04:59

How terrible, your DH must be devastated. My DH was recently hospitalised with pneaumonis it’s an awful illness but you don’t expect people to die. Is the fiancé on Facebook? If not message the brother for family contact details for cars flowers funeral details etc.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 18/12/2017 05:12

He was your husband's friend surely...not "one of your wedding guests"

I do think you need to separate the two OP.

insancerre · 18/12/2017 06:38

What do you do?
Send a card
Not quite seeing how this is about your wedding though

Chardonnaymoi · 18/12/2017 06:55

Yes please don’t categorise your husbands friend as one of your wedding guests. Not right to put your wedding at the centre of this tragedy.

Psychobabble123 · 18/12/2017 06:57

He was your husband's friend surely...not "one of your wedding guests"

Gosh this! Your poor DH. Be there for him and support him in losing his friend, but be careful not to make this about you with comments like he was our wedding guest. If he wanted him as best man they wefe obviously good friends and i would apologise profusely for not allowing your DH to pick him. I honestly don't understand why you would veto it, it was his best man not yours! He must be so devastated Sad

StealthPolarBear · 18/12/2017 07:04

Who pulled out at the last minute? The brother?

StealthPolarBear · 18/12/2017 07:04

I think the wedding comments were because op is worried about the thank you card arriving at a sensitive time

StealthPolarBear · 18/12/2017 07:04

I think the wedding comments were because op is worried about the thank you card arriving at a sensitive time

zoomer445 · 18/12/2017 07:11

Hi my husband is in the forces. They really are like brothers. Actually closer than that. It's shocking all he will have been through in his years of service to end up in hospital with that. I hope your husband is ok X

zoomer445 · 18/12/2017 07:16

They will probably receive lots of Christmas cards with both their names on. I'm assuming the fiancée will just put your thank you card amongst them. I doubt she will be opening the cards just yet anyway.

confusedlittleone · 18/12/2017 07:37

Everything @Psychobabble123 said

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 07:44

Omg - am not making it about me - I said wedding guest as I met him at our wedding and because of the thank you card!

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 18/12/2017 07:51

Poorly worded OP. I see now what you're worried about.

OP....there's nothing you can do but send condolences on the back of the thank-you.

It's very sad indeed but they won't think you're insensitive. Don't mention the thank you card...just send condolences.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 18/12/2017 07:55

OP I do with Nedra and why you've mentioned the wedding. You've just sent the wedding photos with your DH's friend in and your worried that you might upset the Fiancé and his family or seem insensitive.

However, it doesn't matter were you met him he's still your husbands friend, and I really don't want to have a go, but I don't really understand why you vetoed him because YOU hadn't met him, he was close enough to be asked by your husband, in my opinion that should have been enough.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/12/2017 07:55

How awful, so sad.

You weren't to know this would happen, it's so unexpected, so stop blaming yourself over anything - not being best man, thank you card, including how you've worded this thread.

Write a condolence card, and go to the funeral.

hereitis · 18/12/2017 08:04

I am imagining my dh vetoing my bridesmaid choice...
The card will be put with countless Xmas cards until the family are ready to deal with them.