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AIBU?

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Original poster

One of our wedding guests has died

59 replies

MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 01:19

My DH is in the forces, so I haven’t met a lot of his friends.

One of his close friends came to our wedding 4 weeks ago with his new fiancé, tonight DH has gone back to base and his friends brother has posted on FB that he has died from Pneumonia Sad.

We have no contact details for his fiancé and have sent all our thank you cards out today and included wedding photos in our cards - what should we do? Confused

OP posts:
Amanduh · 18/12/2017 08:06

The OP clearly put wedding guest because she's worried about the card turning up and seeming insensitive.
So sorry for your DH OP, his poor friend. Don't worry about thank you card. Send condolences and find out funeral plans.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 08:09

I wasn’t keen because he didn’t know me, it was 3 weeks notice and he had a problem with alcohol.

We picked someone who knew us both.

OP posts:
Rebeccaslicker · 18/12/2017 08:16

How very sad, the poor guy.

I think use FB to contact the brother to say how sorry you are and to warn him that a card will be arriving that the family might not want to open. It's possible that one day in the future they will appreciate the pictures of him having a nice time at the wedding, if he's on them.

Many years ago, my mother's friend lost her son really unexpectedly when he was on holiday with his friends. A few days after his funeral, a postcard arrived from him, with the usual "wish you were here" Sad - like you, the timing was so coincidental and so awful. But it's nobody's fault, and it's so obvious you didn't do it on purpose.

Be prepared for your DH to be very sad and angry about it; grief does funny things to people, esp when you've been as close as some people in the army are to one another Wine

hereitis · 18/12/2017 08:19

This is quite identifying OP if all the details included are accurate.

ItsFindersKeepers · 18/12/2017 08:23

Fuck off those of you criticising the OP for her choice of words on MN, it doesn't take a genius to figure our she referee to her DHs friend as a wedding guest because her main concern was she has sent a wedding thank you card to the deceased man's fiance! Fucking arseholes.

I highly doubt OP is going to send a sympathy card of 'Dear x, so sorry for the loss of my wedding guest...'

OP please ignore Flowers

EvilRingahBitch · 18/12/2017 08:29

Get this thread removed ASAP. Surely only one young British ex forces engaged man can have died of pneumonia in the last week. It wouldn’t be a problem to mention it if it weren’t for the crack about his drink problem.

FairNotFair · 18/12/2017 08:35

Assuming all the info is correct, it wouldn't take a genius to work out the identity of this individual at a very sensitive time. Probably best to get this thread deleted.

User843022 · 18/12/2017 08:47

I thought you meant mid speech or something.

Op it is tragic, all you can do is send a condolence card.

mpsw · 18/12/2017 08:48

As you don't know the fiancée's address, presumably the thank you card was sent to his Forces accommodation, where it will be swept up by his NOK idc. The date will show it was posted before the death was announced - at this time of year there will be all sorts of cards etc arriving that were sent before news broke, so don't worry about this one.

The person who posted on FB is likely to have contact information for the fiancée, so find out and write to them now. Also his parents. DH can find out from welfare officer (who shouldn't really give personal info out, but almost certainly will in these circumstances). Someone in the mess will know.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 08:48

There is a lot of assumptions about the details here - it is not identifying.

OP posts:
DontCallMeJohnBoy · 18/12/2017 08:59

Go to the funeral if you can. We got back from our honeymoon to discover that one of our wedding guests had died whilst we were away. I walked into work on the Monday and asked for the Tuesday off to attend his funeral.

His wife's last real fun, positive memories of him were at the wedding and playing music loudly as they drove back down the A1 afterwards. They had a string of photos up after the funeral, starting with him as a baby and ending with one taken at our wedding. That was harder to see. His widow was touched that we'd been able to get to the funeral, but do get in touch wit hthe family if you can and say about your posotive memories of him.

MatildaTheCat · 18/12/2017 09:23

OP, your friend’s fiancé isn’t going to be upset by a nice thank you card. She’s at the far end of upset and a card won’t make anything worse for her. It may even bring her comfort to remember a recent happy occasion.

Having suffered a bereavement this week I would say just get hold of her contact details and send a condolence card with a really nice written message by your dh. Very few people have sent us real cards and those we’ve received have been really appreciated. No need to mention your other card, it’s entirely separate.

Best wishes.

DancingOnParsnips · 18/12/2017 09:24

Have reported comment re alcohol - can others too? Seems awful to define someone who fought by his ability to handle drink - and doubtless the two are linked after seeing terrible things. If this ends up in the Mail it's so disrespectful.

Sorry for your news OP.

yasmin05 · 18/12/2017 09:26

So sorry for what had happened to your guest.. bless his soul.

LIZS · 18/12/2017 09:34

If he sent the address could you not contact his fiance/family via there?

FannyTheFlamingo · 18/12/2017 13:41

If I vetoed my DP's choice of best man, I doubt there would be a wedding! Hope his fiancee isn't on MN to see you spouting about his drink problem! Confused

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 18/12/2017 14:28

Hi OP I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's friend.

I hope you don't mind but I've reported this thread to MNHQ. My dad is currently battling pneumonia in hospital and it upset me greatly to read this. Even a small trigger warning would help

Xx

Eatalot · 18/12/2017 14:39

A bit harsh on op I think the idea was not to centralise tje wedding but worry about the impact of the thank you card and photos.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 14:42

Pretty sure she won’t be on here the day after he has passed away.

I was not bitching about his drinking I was explaining why I didn’t feel he was a good choice of best man with three weeks notice.

OP posts:
theimportanceofbeinghappy · 18/12/2017 15:11

It'll be obvious the thank you card was posted before you knew he'd passed away

FannyTheFlamingo · 18/12/2017 15:21

Because people don't ever come on here for support after the loss of a loved one Hmm

scottishdiem · 18/12/2017 15:30

"I was not bitching about his drinking I was explaining why I didn’t feel he was a good choice of best man with three weeks notice"

Which was kind of my point earlier. One of your husband's last memories of a very good mate was him not being his best man cause you vetoed it. I hope I am wrong but that can play on peoples minds when confronting death. A "what if" thing if you will.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 15:51

My husband agreed with me at the time, it was a discussion, not me ruling with an iron fist.

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 18/12/2017 16:15

OP just send the card with a tribute from your husband. That'll mean more to your guest's OH than anything else.

Pneumonia is an utter bastard and hard to diagnose in the early stages especially if you are a fit younger thing. And there's also some evidence that the very fitness and youth produces more antibodies which in themselves can cause problems. Eg, the Spanish Flu epidemic after WW1 that killed more people than the war itself.

Original poster
MrsMaxwell · 18/12/2017 16:19

Can we also just mention that not everyone who is in the forces is in the army and has “fought” I know plenty of people who have done decades in the forces and not ever been in a war zone.

OP posts: