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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP 'secret' social media profile

379 replies

bumblingbum · 17/12/2017 19:55

NC for this one.

My partner of 10 years has never had any form of social media. He says it's a waste of time and pointless. The other day to my surprise I came across a photo on Instagram posted by a local business. Think along the lines of 'Another happy customer') and he was tagged in it so has his own profile.

I messaged him saying that I didn't realise he was on Instagram and he said he created the account 'ages' ago and that he doesn't use it at all. Fine. Whatever.

Now this is where I've been out of order...I've logged in to his profile. (Local business posted his username and I was able to guess his password.) No idea why I felt the need to snoop. I suppose because it's out of character for him as he has previously been against social media. I just find the whole thing a bit odd.

He's only posted 3 photos and they're of his new car- fine. What's weirding me out is that he's followed a Mum that I recognise from the school run. She's also followed him back and I remember him pointing her n the playground a few weeks ago saying he used to be friends with her and she's a really nice person. He's also followed a few other women (I assume that he knows from before we met) and some men too (so not just women) but not me!? He knows I use it a lot. He's set his profile to private too.

Also he said he created it ages and never uses it but it was actually only 3 weeks ago but from his activity he seems to be fairly active on it! I know I shouldn't have violated his privacy and logged in to his account but I just feel somethings a bit odd. Why is he saying he doesn't use it when he does?

Maybe I need to just forget it

OP posts:
yippyyappy · 20/12/2017 15:45

This is sketchy af op. Sorry. Thanks

Mehfruittea · 20/12/2017 16:49

Hi OP I’ve been lurking for a while, I can see you are becoming increasingly anxious, distrustful etc and unsure of your relationship.

Can I suggest you make some decisions about what you want to do? Agree a timescale for not logging in and checking the account; eg check once a week on a Monday and never before then. This should make it easier to stop obsessing over it.

Then use your time to consider your relationship. Are you happy? Do you want it to continue long term? Are you willing to put the effort in to improve it, and is he? Are you looking for an excuse to end it, as if you need some validation to be able to leave. What do you want from him?

At the moment you are waiting for him to trip up, but he might never do that. And you will have spent months/years unhappy but waiting. Focus on your relationship and what you want from it. And then check every so often if you feel the need to.

bumblingbum · 20/12/2017 17:51

Thank you @Mehfruittea

OP posts:
bumblingbum · 20/12/2017 17:54

Just said to him 'you came up on my instagram again today as a suggestion.' His reply was 'I don't know why that is I don't use it.'
I didn't really know what to say after that as I know for. Fact he has posted a photo today and followed a few more people.
Maybe he just doesn't want me to know and wants to keep it as his 'thing'. I can't really say anymore as he'll wonder how I know certain things. I can't keep logging in to his count can I? I suppose I just have to leave because technically he hasn't actually done anything wrong like messaging women

OP posts:
yippyyappy · 20/12/2017 17:58

He's lying. A: lying is wrong. B: why?

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 17:59

You've got two choices really.

  1. You sit him down now and tell him you know he's lying and give him a chance to admit the truth and discuss from there.
  1. Leave it and keep an eye.

I don't think this is going away, I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 18:01

Technically he's definitely done something wrong.

He's lied.

An innocuous Instagram account is not worth lying over.

OnionKnight · 20/12/2017 18:02

You need to talk to him.

What if he doesn't trip up? Like I previously said how long do you intend to keep checking up on him?

OnionKnight · 20/12/2017 18:03

An innocuous Instagram account is not worth lying over.

Going by how the OP is snooping, I'm willing to bet that she has a history of not reacting well to change and that is why he is hiding it.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 20/12/2017 18:06

See if you spoke to him and admitted to what you are doing, because let’s face it you are also lying to him and I think what you are doing is worse actually. Then you would know what to do. You can judge his reaction and see if he is lying etc or at least see what he says and make a decision from there. I don’t think you will do this though as you will have to admit to stalking him and hacking his account and you lose the control to snoop and I think you are too nosey to stop now. Just leave and don’t tell him why if it makes it any easier for you. He’s following women, wow, god forbid he do that. He hasn’t messaged any of them nor does he upload a lot and still only he is in the wrong. Many women on here have already said they are either friends with their exes or look them up to be nosey, myself included. So why is it because he is a man that this is seedy?

Yes he has lied to you about havingthe account and continues to do so. But going on how you have been on this thread I don’t blame him. Maybe he knows if you knew you would twist it to make him look like he is cheating and he can’t be atsed with that. You keep saying you are waiting on him tripping up and giving you a reason, so I suspect you want the relationship to be over and want his actions to be the excuse.

Lashalicious · 20/12/2017 18:35

I just read an article on the daily mail about a woman (in Switzerland or Sweden?) who got a heavy fine (could have been jail) for accessing her husband’s 2nd email acct. He used a password he had shared with her on his first acct so she was able to easily access it. She had suspicions and found that he was having multiple affairs.

To me, I think since it is her spouse and there were red flags she was entitled to look and find out, and of course I know it is against the law for someone to hack into an acct or access it maliciously etc. but apparently it is ILLEGAL what this woman did.

I thought it interesting as we have been on this thread discussing a similar situation. Whoa!

Lashalicious · 20/12/2017 18:38

Technically, is it still considered illegal or breaking the marriage contract to have an affair? I have never thought about it before, and maybe the “no fault divorce” that we have here in the US (I think) negated the former marriage laws, I don’t know. Very interesting!

bumblingbum · 20/12/2017 18:56

He's changed his password

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 20/12/2017 18:58

Good, now you can’t snoop and you should talk to him.

Fellia · 20/12/2017 18:59

Aw OP Sad

I’d follow him from your account. See what he does.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 18:59

He's changed his password

I'm sorry op. Are you going to have the talk?

BenLui · 20/12/2017 19:00

So it sounds like while you’ve been hacking his Instagram he may have been stalking you on MN?

Well past time to actually have a discussion.

MrsDilber · 20/12/2017 19:01

Send him a friend request. See what happens.

AlwaysPondering · 20/12/2017 19:01

Time to talk to him about it OP. I hope your chat eases your understandable anxiety over this.

Mehfruittea · 20/12/2017 19:01

Oh shit.

MrsDilber · 20/12/2017 19:02

Also, if I had that gut feeling, I'd have logged and snooped too.

Gerbil17 · 20/12/2017 19:10

Hmmm...very strange.
I wonder if he knows and if he does...how?
Unless he is now going to be using his instagram to communicate with others so covering his tracks before he starts.

JohnHunter · 20/12/2017 19:11

I'm not sure I understand the problem here. Do you have a reason to think he's cheating? I have a number of social media accounts that my wife doesn't know about. They aren't "secret" - they just haven't ever come up in conversation.

It's not a surprise that he doesn't follow many people, hasn't included pictures of himself, and restricted his profile if he is suspicious about social media.

OptimisticHamster · 20/12/2017 19:15

At this point I would follow him and see what he does in return.

Not unusual to be on social media and not tell everyone around you which services you use. Less usual to lie to your partner and follow (rather than just look up) loads of old flames.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 19:16

I have a number of social media accounts that my wife doesn't know about. They aren't "secret" - they just haven't ever come up in conversation.

I find that really weird. How have they never come up in conversation?

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