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Original poster

DP 'secret' social media profile

379 replies

bumblingbum · 17/12/2017 19:55

NC for this one.

My partner of 10 years has never had any form of social media. He says it's a waste of time and pointless. The other day to my surprise I came across a photo on Instagram posted by a local business. Think along the lines of 'Another happy customer') and he was tagged in it so has his own profile.

I messaged him saying that I didn't realise he was on Instagram and he said he created the account 'ages' ago and that he doesn't use it at all. Fine. Whatever.

Now this is where I've been out of order...I've logged in to his profile. (Local business posted his username and I was able to guess his password.) No idea why I felt the need to snoop. I suppose because it's out of character for him as he has previously been against social media. I just find the whole thing a bit odd.

He's only posted 3 photos and they're of his new car- fine. What's weirding me out is that he's followed a Mum that I recognise from the school run. She's also followed him back and I remember him pointing her n the playground a few weeks ago saying he used to be friends with her and she's a really nice person. He's also followed a few other women (I assume that he knows from before we met) and some men too (so not just women) but not me!? He knows I use it a lot. He's set his profile to private too.

Also he said he created it ages and never uses it but it was actually only 3 weeks ago but from his activity he seems to be fairly active on it! I know I shouldn't have violated his privacy and logged in to his account but I just feel somethings a bit odd. Why is he saying he doesn't use it when he does?

Maybe I need to just forget it

OP posts:
jacks11 · 20/12/2017 19:17

OP

You need to stop snooping like this, it is as bad (if not worse) than him not being truthful about the instagram account. If my partner did this, I would be furious. You can't be self-righteous about his not being truthful with you, when you are also lying and snooping on him.

You are winding yourself up with your constant checking. And you haven't really found anything new. Where does it stop? You could go on for weeks or months- when do you decide to call it a day if he doesn't do something suspect? And if you do find nothing, will you ever believe you've got to the bottom of it or will you constantly feel distrustful? And what if he finds out?

I can't tell if he is up to no good or not, and I agree it does seem odd but I don't think it's inevitable that he is up to no good. It wasn't right of him to lie, but then your continual snooping isn't right either.

I honestly believe that you have to make a decision about what to do now you have this information. You cannot just keep snooping- it is not doing you any good and it's not doing your relationship any good either. You have to make a choice- you either decide to trust him or you have to sit him down, tell him your suspicions and take things from there. Or decide the trust is gone and end the relationship.

In your position, I would sit him down and talk to him. You have been in a relationship with this man for 10 years. You are both adults. I think you need to deal with your problems.

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 19:22

. You can't be self-righteous about his not being truthful with you, when you are also lying and snooping on him.

How has OP lied to him? One would assume in the discussion she will tell him exactly what she's done.

And had he not lied in the first place she wouldn't have been put the position TO snoop surely?

Original poster
bumblingbum · 20/12/2017 19:23

It's a bit of a relief that he has changed his password. Perhaps because I've mentioned it twice nowI felt uncomfortable snooping so at least I won't have to deal with that now (although I do still feel very guilty about doing it in the first place).

I will ask him again tonight and see his reaction. I'm just going to say that I've noticed the numbers going up so he must be using it and go from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblingbum · 20/12/2017 19:24

If he continues to lie I will tell him I have accessed his account and seen it for myself.

OP posts:
BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 19:28

I'd go straight in with that tbh.

Instead of asking tell him you know how often he's on it, who he's talking to and lead from there.

It might just be an attention thing

AlwaysPondering · 20/12/2017 19:28

Good idea

DeadGood · 20/12/2017 19:28

Your moment to act was when you said “you’ve just come up as a suggestion for the second time”. You should have just sent him a follow request there and then.
Anything else you do now will seem weird and you will argue.

MissyCupCake · 20/12/2017 19:36

Send him a follow request - if he's got nothing to hide he will accept it.

jacks11 · 20/12/2017 19:37

Bad

I think it's slightly disingenuous to say snooping on your partner is "good behaviour". I don't think 2 wrong's make a right- do you? I think what OP has done is as bad as her DH lying about the instagram account.

In the first instance, he simply didn't mention the account- that isn't lying- and as you don't think it is wrong for OP to omit telling her DH she has been logging in to his account, then I fail to see how him not mentioning the account is wrong.

Also, when he said "I don't use it"- it doesn't really sound like he is particularly active, but as he has been using it more often, this is technically a lie. My DM would say she doesn't use FB- she has an account and uses it sometimes to check on things, be nosey about people and post the very occasional photo. It is possible that OPs DH is the same. Or he may be up to no good. It's not clear.

What is clear is that OP didn't HAVE to log into his account on multiple occasions and spy on him, she CHOSE to. She wasn't put in a position where she "had to snoop". She could have been honest about her suspicions. Or tried to follow him or asked him to friend her and see what happened. All would have been more straightforward and honest than the persistent spying OP had done.

XiCi · 20/12/2017 20:30

How can it be a relief he has changed his password? He's done that because you have been asking questions and he has something to hide. He's taking the piss out of you.

Original poster
bumblingbum · 20/12/2017 20:33

@XiCi Because I was becoming obsessed with logging in to his account and felt guilty about doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblingbum · 20/12/2017 20:35

@XiCi how has he taken the piss out of me? He technically hasn't done anything wrong apart from lying about using an account. When I was checking his account he hadn't messaged anyone or liked any other women's pictures. I still feel uneasy about it so am going to ask him once he's out the bath

OP posts:
XiCi · 20/12/2017 20:37

If I was in this situation I would let him know that you let your curiosity get the better of you and demand some answers otherwise you will drive yourself crazy! The fact that he has changed his password means he suspects that you have been snooping anyway

XiCi · 20/12/2017 20:42

Of course he is taking the piss. He has blatantly lied to your face about using the account and is using it to connect with past girlfriends and women from the school run

jammytoastinbed · 20/12/2017 20:43

sounds like he is building upto cheat imo. sorry op

QueenDaisy · 20/12/2017 21:37

OP, just because there’s no messages there now, doesn’t mean there hasn’t been any 😏

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 22:02

This has been bothering me all evening.

Like a PP said, messages are easily deleted or moved onto other apps after first contact.

It is not normal to open an Instagram, add exes and school mums and then lie to you about it. I don't care what anyone else says it is hugely abnormal behaviour and I think if it's not already started, then it's the prelude to cheating.

If he hadn't lied, or just added you like a normal person would, it would be ok. But you already know that OP.

Animation86 · 20/12/2017 22:32

I do not understand how anyone can thing there’s nothing sketchy about this

Time to be brutal OP

JohnHunter · 21/12/2017 01:14

@BadFeminist She knows that I am on Twitter, Facebook, and Mumsnet for what it's worth but I have at least two accounts on each platform. She knows about one each on Twitter/Facebook as we are "friends". I have various reasons for wanting to access them using a pseudonym as well, and don't think the distinction between different accounts has ever come up in conversation.

Surely - as far as the OP is concerned - this investigation should be easy. She didn't know about this account and so any messages (etc) would be completely unguarded. Either there was or wasn't evidence of cheating in there and that ought to be the answer.

Was he using his real name in this "secret" Facebook profile? It sounds as if he must have been given that the OP spotted it because he'd been tagged by someone else. And he used a password that the OP knows or could guess? And he added (or accepted friend requests from) random mothers that she knows from the school run? And the majority of posters here think he set the account up to cheat? Only the OP knows whether or not he is really that dumb.

BadFeminist · 21/12/2017 01:25

That's a complete contradiction to what you've said then.

Your other half does in fact know about your social media and you don't dent it.

OPs husband DENIED his social media and then LIED about being active on it.

There are some pretty weird relationship standards on here.

JohnHunter · 21/12/2017 01:48

@BadFeminist Sure it's different to the OP's situation but my posts don't contradict each other at all. If my wife came on here and wrote about her DP's "secret" social media accounts, she'd presumably also be told that I must be hitting on mums from the school run.

Foobarjar · 21/12/2017 01:55

Whether or not he's messaged people, he's your husband and should be honest about having a social media account if asked.

I've been through this, and I'll be honest, what you're saying doesn't bode well for your relationship.

The lack of trust will eat away at you.

I'd just take the Bull by the horns and say what you know and see his reaction.

You don't need evidence of cheating to address a fundamental trust issue.

Sorry you're going through this. Relationships that are healthy are built on trust.

Good luck.

Foobarjar · 21/12/2017 02:02

Sorry I said husband. You'd said partner.

Similar thoughts though. I was married either.

PiffleandWiffle · 21/12/2017 08:28

I still don’t get how he adds all these women but not the woman he sees pledged to live his life with. Why are you being treated so shit?

Because he probably doesn't want to face "20 Questions" about every photo he likes or posts & every person he follows.

He probably finds it all quite draining.

Animation86 · 21/12/2017 08:43

Rightfully so though, if he’s hunting ex’s out

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