DP 'secret' social media profile

[bumblingbum]

NC for this one.

My partner of 10 years has never had any form of social media. He says it's a waste of time and pointless. The other day to my surprise I came across a photo on Instagram posted by a local business. Think along the lines of 'Another happy customer') and he was tagged in it so has his own profile.

I messaged him saying that I didn't realise he was on Instagram and he said he created the account 'ages' ago and that he doesn't use it at all. Fine. Whatever.

Now this is where I've been out of order...I've logged in to his profile. (Local business posted his username and I was able to guess his password.) No idea why I felt the need to snoop. I suppose because it's out of character for him as he has previously been against social media. I just find the whole thing a bit odd.

He's only posted 3 photos and they're of his new car- fine. What's weirding me out is that he's followed a Mum that I recognise from the school run. She's also followed him back and I remember him pointing her n the playground a few weeks ago saying he used to be friends with her and she's a really nice person. He's also followed a few other women (I assume that he knows from before we met) and some men too (so not just women) but not me!? He knows I use it a lot. He's set his profile to private too.

Also he said he created it ages and never uses it but it was actually only 3 weeks ago but from his activity he seems to be fairly active on it! I know I shouldn't have violated his privacy and logged in to his account but I just feel somethings a bit odd. Why is he saying he doesn't use it when he does?

Maybe I need to just forget it

@Animation86 These are my thoughts exactly. I don't want to spy on his account but feel like I need to know if there's more to it? Maybe just being paranoid.

@Bedtimebunny I know it's dishonest of me and believe me I don't feel good for doing it. I thought I had grounds to be suspicious. I asked him outright about his account- he lied about it. Now I'm in a predicament where I know he's lied but can't do a lot about it because as you've said I have been dishonest myself

I don’t think she’s stalking, she’s curious because of some red flags. Unless this is a false post and sometimes there are here on mn, who knows. It’s a gray area. It could be something and it could be nothing.

What do you expect her to do!

Talk to him about it like an adult.

There are all sorts of reasons he didn't want to disclose his account- he could be embarrassed after being so anti-SM, he might want some privacy, he xould have had problems with jealous partners in the past, or he could be using it to hook up with women. The latter seems unlikely considering OP has been stalking him on there for a few days and found no messages and nothing dodgy. He has added blokes as well as women and has been looking at cars. Hardly crime of the century.

Yes he was dishonest when you asked him about it, and that was wrong, but when it comes to dishonesty stalking your partner and not confronting them in order to enable you to continue stalking is miles worse than having an instagram account you haven't added your partner on.

Curiosity doesn't give you the right to log in to other people's social media accounts! Jesus christ..

If it’s your spouse and they just lied to you about it, yes you do! But then I’m not paranoid about my social media. I don’t like having to put passwords on everything, there’s nothing to see anyway (except for bank acct). If I had lied to my dh about an acct, then I wouldn’t blame him for looking into it. Goodness, many of us also have that mystery detective tendency in us, I think some of it boils down to that when I say curiosity. Generally of course no one should log into someone else’s acct, but sometimes there’s a good reason if there are red flags.

@lash I wholeheartedly disagree.

In your mind, how long would OP be justified to keep logging in to his account and monitoring him in real-time? Considering she has found nothing incriminating yet and - if he is innocent - never will? Days? Weeks? Months? Indefinitely?

This is all really creepy.

Creepy is looking up all your ex’s when you’ve been in a marriage for what, a decade?

YES Animation86

Bed, minimum 2 years to make absolutely sure no hanky panky is going on. Seriously, a few days to one week. Good grief, you are the creepy one! Or like to bury your head in the sand. I think my post above is reasonable. Like I said, if I lied to my husband, I wouldn’t blame him one bit for looking into it. Shine a light on it!

Good grief, you are the creepy one! Or like to bury your head in the sand.

Nope, I just prefer to sort out marital problems by getting them out in the open and talking about them rather than going all poirot and spending days monitoring his onine activity

Each to their own.

lash you think it’s reasonable to hack into your spouses social media for two years?

Because he lied? But two years of lying in return is ok? Rather than just asking him?

That’s not a healthy or successful relationship.

I think YABU. It does look odd, but you may be right that he is just embarrassed to admit he decided to sign up after being totally against it. You've not found anything "fishy" from your snooping so far.

Personally, I would be furious my partner had done this. I might be able to see why they did it once- though I'd still be angry- but if they repeatedly did it and "kept an eye on me" then I'd be absolutely livid.

If you think there is something fishy, then confront him. Don't keep snooping. I hate all this creeping around behind your partners back- either you trust him or you don't. If you don't then do something positive about it. Otherwise it is the end of the relationship by a thousand cuts- even if he is innocent- and the lack of trust will eat away at you and if he finds out (and is innocent) where will that leave you?

If you'd be really annoyed that he accessed your accounts, then you'd have to take it on the chin if he is too.

My advice is don't jump to conclusions, but equally don't ignore your gut instinct.

Ben, I think you misread my post, at least I hope you misread it. The word ‘seriously’ afterward with ‘a few days to a week’ should have tipped you off that I was joking about the 2 years.

Bedtime, of course I would ask out in the open. Of course I would ask what was going on and talk about it before going any further. I am very straightforward. I don’t understand people who don’t just come out and say what they think especially with people they are the closest to. And, I don’t believe in being nosy or snoopy and absolutely would never look at someone else’s personal belongings. However, if there are very clear, major red flags and beyond a shadow of a doubt lies from the person you are actually married to, and you’ve tried talking to them about it and getting more lies then yes, I think a person should look into the matter because the trust is gone and you know what, the person deserves to know the truth. Can you wrap your head about the hypothetical that if the spouse is totally doing something on the sly beyond a doubt and refuses to be honest with you or discuss it? And still you absolutely would never ever ever look into it? I’m sorry, but that sounds nuts. It reminds me of women whose husbands are doing some really weird stuff but stand right by their side insisting that all is wonderful in their world and are so foolish as to not acknowledge the truth or ignore very brazen red flags. That’s not being virtuous or ethical.

Although I do love poirot and yes I like solving mysteries

I would find an occasion to ask to use his phone, you are out, yours is flat, need to check on your ill mum, or look something up. Something so obviously normal in a normal relationship. If he hands it over without quibbling then i would say you are fine. If he hesitates or refuses, start getting your ducks in a row.

This is reaching Jeremy Kyle proportions of dithering about now.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=OAruCMxRwpg

Get. On. With. It. Yes if he's in a hotel then it's a prime ground for doing something - so find out which hotel he's in, call him and confront him. If you were right, then his arse is already out of the door. If you were wrong, well then you've both got space to figure out what to do next.

Wido and laud have good ideas

How are you OP? Did anything happen last night whilst he was away?

@SammySays Thank you for checking in on me. No he didn't do anything- no messages, no likes just added another woman that I don't know but lives in the same town. I feel so guilty. I'm never normally paranoid or suspicious. I've found this really draining (al my own fault I know)

It’s not all your own fault though, you wouldn’t be feeling this way if he hadn’t lied in the first place.

I still don’t get how he adds all these women but not the woman he sees pledged to live his life with. Why are you being treated so shit?

It looks like he's thinking your relationship is coming to an end so is actively putting the feelers out to women he has had past connections with in order to strike up new relationships.
It seems to be escalating quite quickly so wouldn't be sitting back waiting for something to happen. If you want to save your relationship some frank discussion is needed

Well Animation86 she is snooping through his phone and seems baffled that he is using some form of social media, given his early comments on it. Maybe he can’t be arsed with her questioning everything. She doesn’t come across like she would deal with things well going by this thread and maybe he can’t be bothered with that. Or maybe he is cheating. Who knows? The Op might if she actually talks to him.

I guess shes here for advice on that, though

Ok so if you're gonna snoop, snoop properly, one because then you know you've been thorough, two because if you're not thorough you'll always think there may have been more to it.

If he's got insta, he's probably got Facebook, you only need Facebook for a Tinder account. Tinder is virtually anonymous and easily hidden.

All of this will be somewhere in his emails. A simple search of his inbox/trash will show something. Passwords are then easily changed.

I only know all this crap because of an ex who had all this "secret stuff" for a thrill, which is sad AF. But still, you've broken the trust now, may as well go all the way and know everything rather than apologise for low level snooping and always have it in the back of your head

Tbh I would be pretty fucking annoyed that he is following these women but not you. You don't need this shit OP.