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Original poster

DP 'secret' social media profile

379 replies

bumblingbum · 17/12/2017 19:55

NC for this one.

My partner of 10 years has never had any form of social media. He says it's a waste of time and pointless. The other day to my surprise I came across a photo on Instagram posted by a local business. Think along the lines of 'Another happy customer') and he was tagged in it so has his own profile.

I messaged him saying that I didn't realise he was on Instagram and he said he created the account 'ages' ago and that he doesn't use it at all. Fine. Whatever.

Now this is where I've been out of order...I've logged in to his profile. (Local business posted his username and I was able to guess his password.) No idea why I felt the need to snoop. I suppose because it's out of character for him as he has previously been against social media. I just find the whole thing a bit odd.

He's only posted 3 photos and they're of his new car- fine. What's weirding me out is that he's followed a Mum that I recognise from the school run. She's also followed him back and I remember him pointing her n the playground a few weeks ago saying he used to be friends with her and she's a really nice person. He's also followed a few other women (I assume that he knows from before we met) and some men too (so not just women) but not me!? He knows I use it a lot. He's set his profile to private too.

Also he said he created it ages and never uses it but it was actually only 3 weeks ago but from his activity he seems to be fairly active on it! I know I shouldn't have violated his privacy and logged in to his account but I just feel somethings a bit odd. Why is he saying he doesn't use it when he does?

Maybe I need to just forget it

OP posts:
laudanum · 19/12/2017 08:41

Oh for goodness sake.

Look - ask him directly. Stop pussyfooting around and tell him you're concerned about his behaviour and worried he's up to no good. I'm not caught up on other responses because a lot of it is paranoid bollocks from alarmists, and my eyes can only roll so much. All you're doing right now is working yourself into a snit with the help of folks screaming red flag in various forms.

I'm friends with exes. I'm friends with men. My fella is friends with women. We both have men and women in our friends lists. We don't snoop each other's accounts. If you for a second think he's up to something, CONFRONT HIM and watch his responses. Does he maintain eye contact or look away? Watch his pupils, do they shrink? Does he try and deflect away when you ask him searching questions? Does he answer a question with a question? Does he immediately blow up and scream at you?

If he gives you reasonable responses and he has an account and he's added friends, so what? If he's not doing anything with anyone then your snooping and freaking out is really out of order. If he IS doing something; then launch his arse out the door.

Original poster
bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 09:10

@laudanum Thank you. I needed to hear that

OP posts:
JoyN2016 · 19/12/2017 09:38

Ask yourself if you can trust him if he lied about such an insignificant little thing. Go with your gut feeling - what made you log into his account? You could do nothing, or have an honest talk to him, or keep it quiet and spy a bit more. Don't be embarrassed about how you found out though, it is ok. When people lie they forget that truth is likely to come out, often by accident.

Only1scoop · 19/12/2017 09:44

What else does he lie about I wonder

ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 19/12/2017 10:07

I have first hand experience of something very similar. Ex H and I going through a tough patch (young kids, exhaustion etc) and he started seeking out / connecting with women from his past etc.

He ended up having an affair, (though with a work colleague, not a past conquest.) But looking back, the seeking out previous partners / old crushes was a blatant red flag. He was dipping a toe in the water so to speak.

Maybe you need to address why things aren't great between you and concentrate on improving them?

Original poster
bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 10:11

@ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry that he ended up having an affair. I'm not sure if I should try to improve our relationship or wait and see if this goes anywhere. I'm really confused.

OP posts:
ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 19/12/2017 10:18

How bad are things?

Could you talk to him and say you know things have been tough. Maybe go for counselling?

If you do nothing but sit back and wait then you will be worrying yourself silly while not addressing what the issue is? It may amount to nothing, the instagram thing. But right now you are spending time and energy worrying about what he is doing / what might happen that could be better directed elsewhere?

I mean that with compassion. Have been there and it can end eating away at you.

ShadowsInTheDarkness · 19/12/2017 10:36

Op, there's no chance that he DID receive a notifictation email that a new device had logged into his instagram account is there? Because my suspicion here would be that he knew via the notification email that you had logged into his account, was angry about the snooping and was deliberately following people that would upset you (exes) as some sort of underhand revenge?

Which would make him a dick, but the other option is that he is seeking out exes as wank fodder/to initiate contact and that also makes him a dick. Either way hes a dick but the former option might be less deal breaking, esp if you are having a bad patch, communication breaking down, you're snooping which isnt great, he's lying and lashing out with deliberately hurtful behaviour .... it's all spiralling into a mess.

I think whatever he is doing, you need to have a conversation, take stock of where you both are in this relationship, what you both want and the reality of whether you want to walk away or not. No amount of speculating on here will fix things, they arent great right now and so regardless of what he is doing now is a good time to sit down together and re-evaulate your relationship.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 10:44

@ShadowsInTheDarknessI can't say for sure but I'm confident he would have confronted me if he did get a notification and he definitely wouldn't have purposely followed these women to annoy me. He's normally really good to me but we've had a lack of conversation and intimacy lately due to me feeling low recently.

OP posts:
laudanum · 19/12/2017 11:08

Make a deal with yourself to address this directly.

• Write down what you want to ask him and keep it in a notepad app on your phone.
• Be prepared to hear things you definitely don't want to hear.
• Formulate answers as to what you want to say in the event of bad news or good news.

Now, if it turns out that things are innocent, you're going to have to suck it up and apologise for snooping because he's probably going to be really pissed off. The aftermath of that is going to be deeply unpleasant; whenever a man snoops or seems controlling, Mumsnet always says the same thing - LTB. If you're afraid of this I get it because once you ask him directly you're effectively outing yourself as having snooped. He's got every right to be upset about that. So you're going to need to figure out a game plan as to what happens in either situation. If your snooping was justified, then as I said before, drop kick him out the door, and don't look back.

If it wasn't justified, believe me sitting here and stressing, going over tiny details is just going to maximise any explosive elements of this. I know men are mostly shite, gods know I've met my fair share, but this one might not be as shite as the others, and I say this as a card carrying misandrist battlecunt at the best of times.

AlwaysPondering · 19/12/2017 14:09

I think he is probably using it to be nosey which we all do at times (although I wouldn't follow them... maybe they are private accounts so he has to follow them to snoop..) and he hasn't followed you because then he would know you can see who he is following and knows it doesn't look great!

I would probably hold out and keep check but I also know I would feel exactly as you do and end up confronting him!

Maybe say in conversation that you came across an ex's profile the other day and had a look and ask if he ever does that? See how he reacts?

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 19/12/2017 14:59

This seems a bit too weird to ignore OP. Slightly different but my ex-husband (note ex) kept claiming to not be receiving my FB friend requests! Turns out he was cheating (chlamydia proved that) Keep an open mind but be wary.

Original poster
bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 15:41

Thank you for the advice everyone. He's actually away with work in a hotel tonight so I guess if he's going to do anything I guess it will be tonight?

OP posts:
ferntwist · 19/12/2017 15:52

You betcha. Keep a very close eye.

PiffleandWiffle · 19/12/2017 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 16:57

@PiffleandWiffle Think what you like about my thread. You don't have to read it. The reason I haven't asked him is because I don't want him to think I'm giving it a thought and give him the chance to change his password etc

OP posts:
PiffleandWiffle · 19/12/2017 16:59

You don't have to ask him about it, send him a follow request & see what happens.......

But you won't.....

Original poster
bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 17:02

@PiffleandWiffle No because I don't want him to accept it. He would know I'm looking for him and he could potentially stop adding these old flames. I want to see if anything comes of it. (Says a lot about my relationship I know!)

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 19/12/2017 17:03

YANBU OP. Sounds so dodgy - sorry. How many people does he actually follow? If it's only a handful and most of them are exes/old flames and so on, I would probably be a little worried

I would follow him though - at the very least. To see his reaction

PiffleandWiffle · 19/12/2017 17:06

(Says a lot about my relationship I know!)

To be honest it sounds like it's fucked from your point of view anyway. Get your pressies & run for it....

Original poster
bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 17:07

Our relationship hasn't been great although I thought things were starting to improve. I'm not entirely sure what I want but all I can say is I kind of feel like I'm waiting for him to 'trip up' and do something that I find unacceptable to give me some sort of idea of where our relationship is at or could be heading. I know it's a shit situation and I guess it says it all really.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 17:08

@PiffleandWiffle

OP posts:
Bedtimebunny · 19/12/2017 17:37

Your continued stalking is way worse than him having a "secret" instagram account.

You even admit the reason you don't want to discuss this with him is so he doesn't change his password and you can't stalk any more... You dont want to add him on thete so he doesn't know you are giving it a second thought... ridiculous and childish behaviour. And you are calling him dishonest?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 19/12/2017 17:44

I don’t think he is doing anything wrong and maybe if you are how you come across here in everyday life I can see why he wouldn’t add you. You have blown this so out of proportion because you haven’t actually spoke to him. It seems you are wanting him to make a mistake that will justify you leaving him. If you want to leave him have the balls to do so.

Animation86 · 19/12/2017 17:47

But what do you expect otherwise @Bedtimebunny ? She's been lied to already!

What do you expect her to do! If its not innocent, bringing up the fact she knows about his Facebook activity or adding him would just make him take his lies further underground, surely?

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