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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP 'secret' social media profile

379 replies

bumblingbum · 17/12/2017 19:55

NC for this one.

My partner of 10 years has never had any form of social media. He says it's a waste of time and pointless. The other day to my surprise I came across a photo on Instagram posted by a local business. Think along the lines of 'Another happy customer') and he was tagged in it so has his own profile.

I messaged him saying that I didn't realise he was on Instagram and he said he created the account 'ages' ago and that he doesn't use it at all. Fine. Whatever.

Now this is where I've been out of order...I've logged in to his profile. (Local business posted his username and I was able to guess his password.) No idea why I felt the need to snoop. I suppose because it's out of character for him as he has previously been against social media. I just find the whole thing a bit odd.

He's only posted 3 photos and they're of his new car- fine. What's weirding me out is that he's followed a Mum that I recognise from the school run. She's also followed him back and I remember him pointing her n the playground a few weeks ago saying he used to be friends with her and she's a really nice person. He's also followed a few other women (I assume that he knows from before we met) and some men too (so not just women) but not me!? He knows I use it a lot. He's set his profile to private too.

Also he said he created it ages and never uses it but it was actually only 3 weeks ago but from his activity he seems to be fairly active on it! I know I shouldn't have violated his privacy and logged in to his account but I just feel somethings a bit odd. Why is he saying he doesn't use it when he does?

Maybe I need to just forget it

OP posts:

Goldenhandshake · 18/12/2017 11:44

Red flag for me, he created an account, lied about it, following a load of people except his DP.... definitely dodgy.

daisychain01 · 18/12/2017 13:06

Until you can validate the situation, all you are doing by continuing to check out your DP through the lens of his social media account, is to feed your own doubt, mistrust and frustration about his honesty - or lack thereof.

The best way to clear the decks is to talk about your concerns rather than guess the reasons why he has an active presence on social media but isn't prepared to come clean with you.

Rereading your OP it sounds like he's found a new toy that he didn't know existed (as he always found it pointless before) and he now wants to have a play on it. The trouble is if he starts to enjoy the attention by adding women he wouldn't otherwise have any reason to contact, and is any kind of fickle individual let loose on Fb without knowing how to use it properly, it will become a complete nightmare. You need to sort it out.

Original poster

bumblingbum · 18/12/2017 13:44

@daisychain01 Thank you for your wise words

OP posts:

Cinnamus · 18/12/2017 15:45

Sorry OP but he added other women before you! He hid it from you! He's taking you for a ride...

Cinnamus · 18/12/2017 16:25

I'm not sure you're going to be able to clear the decks with someone like that.. he may continue to lie

nousername123 · 18/12/2017 16:41

I wouldn't be over worried about it because he's not liking girls pictures or anything and isn't messaging them. Keep an eye if you want but he hasn't done anything wrong. I'd only be mad if he started liking girls pictures and messaging them. Maybe he did know this girl from before? Are you the possessive type? (Not judging) because he might feel that if he openly has social media and he has a lot of female friends that you might get a bit jealous? Myself and my fiance are arranging out wedding currently and he had hardly anyone to invite, he doesn't have many male friends and because he thought I would get jealous he didn't want to tell me about his female friends that he considered old friends. Eventually I coaxed it out of him, and couldn't really understand why he didn't just say. But men are strange beings!

Ansumpasty · 18/12/2017 16:49

It's pretty suspect and I'd be suspicious, too. YANBU even to snoop, I'd have done the same

Original poster

bumblingbum · 18/12/2017 21:32

I've just logged in to his account and he's now following a girl that he was texting when we were 'on a break' when we'd not been together long. Feeling sick. Why is he doing this?

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Original poster

bumblingbum · 18/12/2017 21:38

I find it odd how he is actively looking for girls he's had some sort of connection with before. I don't understand any of this.

OP posts:

Jellybean85 · 18/12/2017 21:51

In fairness when I created mine I searched out peuple from my past to add/look at. People I went to school/uni etc it's just a starting point, although if it's exclusively exes i guess that is a little weird

Original poster

bumblingbum · 18/12/2017 22:01

@Jellybean85 The other people he follows are mainly his current friends who are all male. The people he appears to be following and searching for are from his past and are females that he's had some sort of connection with for example the girl he lost his virginity to, a girl he was seeing before we met and a girl he's texted before when we first started going out. Really not sure why to think here?! That being said there are 1 or 2 females that I know are old family friends. I just don't know why he is seeking out his exes who I'm assuming he's had no interaction with for many years.

OP posts:

FlashTheSloth · 18/12/2017 22:04

It seems like he is keen to get in touch with old flames. I don't mean to be blunt but if he was committed to you he wouldn't do this. Sorry OP.

Butterymuffin · 18/12/2017 22:05

It seems to be an avenue for exploring his past life and particularly the women in it. The question is how far he's going to take that. It's going to be hard but I would try to continue to say nothing and carry on watching the account. At the moment he can dismiss your concerns, but I would have them too in your position.

Jellybean85 · 18/12/2017 22:06

Sorry but I disagree, I adore my partner and have no interest in cheating, once I a blue moon I search out my
Ex out of nosiness, same with old friends I've lost touch with. I'm just curious. I'm perfectly committed to my relationship.
If he starts in interacting more I'd say that's different. Looking them up and just following their profile,
Especially in among other current friends is fine

Original poster

bumblingbum · 18/12/2017 22:18

I think I'm just going to have to watch and wait aren't I? But how long do I do that for? I kind of feel like just waiting for him to fuck up somehow by messaging these women. It's draining me already and doesn't sit well with my conscience to keep 'spying' on his account. I can't say anything to him yet can I?

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Original poster

bumblingbum · 18/12/2017 22:19

@FlashTheSloth This is why I've been thinking.

OP posts:

donquixotedelamancha · 18/12/2017 23:33

What I don't understand is why he has lied to me about when he created the account and also he says he doesn't use it but he does.

I can think of 3 possible reasons:

He may have the account for ages, but it was dormant, so recent reactivation makes it look new.
He may be planning to cheat on you, and is going about it very slowly.
He may want privacy. Some of that may be embarrassment, as you mention- nobody likes to appear nosey or hypocritical. It could be that he has a partner who hacks his accounts and he is feeling suffocated.

Sorry but I disagree, I adore my partner and have no interest in cheating, once I a blue moon I search out my Ex out of nosiness

Yep. I've done this. I bet a lot of people have done this, but this is AIBU so he must be cheating on her.

@bumblingbum. Perhaps you might consider whether stalking your partner, and getting validation for your behaviour from strangers who goad you on, is the healthiest approach. I've found actually speaking to my DW quite helpful sometimes.

DeeOK · 19/12/2017 00:16

YANBU
But you do need to talk to him. I would listen to your gut here. Something is not right. And from personal experience I know you will not be able to forget it. Good luck

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 19/12/2017 04:59

OP you're right not to like the idea of keeping it secret...bloody tell him! What's the point of pretending?

Foobarjar · 19/12/2017 05:17

Bring really honest, he sounds like he's bored and frustrated. Not excusing his behaviour at all.

Do you love him, want him, fancy him? If so, seriously go all out assault to entice him.

If you don't then armer up! Gather your evidence.

Relationships get stale. Work on it or work on leaving.

ReallyConvolutedCareerHistory · 19/12/2017 06:09

Instagram suggests people to follow.

ferntwist · 19/12/2017 07:03

Excellent advice Foobar

Original poster

bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 07:43

@ReallyConvolutedCareerHistory I know but he doesn't follow many people and the ones he's chosen to follow are old flames.

OP posts:

Original poster

bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 07:45

@Foobarjar I know it's not healthy. It's consuming my mind. I just feel uneasy about it

OP posts:

Original poster

bumblingbum · 19/12/2017 07:46

Sorry my last post was for @donquixotedelamancha

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