To have tried to help a homeless man?

[darkcandlelight]

Went to Manchester for the Christmas markets and we stayed over last night. There was a homeless man sleeping by our hotel and I was really concerned about him. This morning my 11 yo was worried he wasn't moving so we went to get dh up to ask him (he has a medical background) and took him a cup of tea. Dh is really annoyed with me, he says it was irresponsible.

So was I being unreasonable? I really thought the man had died at one point.

I also work in the homelessness sector and have done for many years. I don't personally give a fuck what the advice is, I will also stop and give money and have a chat if needed after work. Lipstick is one of the worst kind of workers who think they know it all, abides by the 'rules' and assumes because they work in the sector they can tell everyone else how to behave. I work with people like that and my god they are annoying - I actually have compassion myself and will do what I feel is right for individuals. There is no right or wrong and she has pissed me off so much through this thread. There are more phoney workers who do it for themselves in this sector that there are good people walking around just wanting to help someone who looks in need

"If you really want to help homeless people, campaign for more funding and access for more long term residential rehabs, and for more effective support for troubled families and kids in care in the first place so they don't grow up with the issues which often result in them spiralling into addiction and homelessness.

What does nothing to help is to delude yourself that
-homeless people aren't on drugs
-they're only on drugs because they're homeless
-your money will be spent on food or shelter
-a roof over their head will solve their problems"

You did a great post maera and gave me personally a lot to think about, but I just wanted to say that I think most people are aware that homelessness is a complex issue, compounded by many factors and that you can't magically solve someone's problems by giving them a fiver. Equally though, your last point - about 'effective support for troubled families and kids in care' - where do we even start with that? Why isn't it already happening? I used to work for a charity that supports young people leaving care - this was nearly twenty years ago - and despite changes in legislation and guidance for local authorities, and endless campaigning from organisations like Who Cares? and Celcis, the situation for these young people in terms of health and wellbeing, homelessness and offending is much the same now as it was then.

Local authorities are getting funding cuts year on year, social work departments are losing experienced staff through retirement etc and not filling posts, and they have less money to fund contracts for third sector support to fill the gap. It feels pretty hopeless, and beyond my abilities to change any of it beyond what little I do now. I can sort of see why people go into politics except that they all seem to end up weary and cynical as well.

I still go back to my original point that there's two different strands to this - long term support for skilled organisations that are in the sector should obviously be the priority, but every single night in my city I step over people curled up on the pavement in minus freezing temperatures and I think it's a human impulse to want to try to help them in some small way.

Do stop frothing and bigging yourself up for being a rule breaker Str4ngedaysindeed
hey!rules schmules who needs em when you have hero syndrome.
despite your avowed dislike for rules.You’ll have received an induction, training about risk,managing difficult situations
Because your employer has to abide by the rules, and make sure your training and skills are up to date.
They expect You know to comply with rules

This thread is giving me food for thought. Thank you for the thoughtful and informed posts.

I think you were acting as a caring citizen and role model to your 11 year old

Blueunk

I agree, re, the role model. Everyone, i'm guessing Lipstick is a support worker of some kind. Please ignore her ramblings, and do stop and help if you can. I know the OP has made me think and I will definitely stop and give something the next time I come across a homeless person. Thanks OP.

You were very caring to give the man a cup of tea and to show your ds that not everyone is fortunate.

My db was homeless and live on the streets - these days he would have been diagnosed with ASD and perhaps ADHD as well - but back then there was no help available at all. He used to self medicate with alcohol.

Sadly he was killed on Christmas Eve one year but a person, trying to be kind, who gave him a bottle of whiskey (a corporate Christmas gift) and he was found dead the next morning having suffered acute alcohol poisoning.

1492877024 I don’t need to explain or qualify what I post ,you're right to question the veracity of everyone online. If it makes you more secure in your own posts to cast aspersions on me that says more about you than it does me.

I’d suggest you are enacting The heroic syndrome worker. Thinks no one works as hard or cares as deeply as themselves, usually thin skinned and perceives any constructive feedback as criticism. Often heard complaining about rules and/or management as an inhibitor of spontaneity and heroism. Thinks their intervention will be the one,consciously and unconsciously wants to heroically save folk. Likely to originate from low self esteem,seeks out opportunities to prove self and thinks taking risk = extra commitment. Problem with this approach is,well obviously risk, can lead to inconsistency in approach and cause friction as they seek to be heroic at expense of other people. Heroic worker likely to characterise anyone else who doesn’t follow suit as uncommitted,lacking authenticity. Feeling more authentic because heroic worker syndrome consider themselves risk taker. Because if you really cared,you’d push it a bit,break the rules. And heroic worker syndrome in being so black and white they miss the subtlety and grey areas,cause they’re too busy charging about telling everyone how much they care.

For an organisation to maintain a contract they agree to rules,and service level agreements. Contracts are awarded to organisations in expectation that they adhere to rules. Not charge about ignoring rules. Rules that include
Managing risk, offering appropriate training and compliance to training
Meeting performance goals and targets
Sound financial practice
DBS checks
Supervision and support of staff

I once offered a homeless man any food he wanted from my shopping bag as I was passing. He said “do you have any feta?” I said, “no.” He said, “you’re all right then.”

Cosy! I love that.

Your DH is a dick.

I once did an impromptu collection for a homeless man so he could have a bed for the night rather than sleep out in the snow.

LipstickHandbagCoffee

Crikey, I'm really not sure how to react that that.

I think you set a very good example for your ds. Life can be very precarious - it was only human of you to care about this man.

Perhaps you should be clear with dh about what the problem was, not least so your ds gets a clear message. Perhaps ds was worried the man might be dead and didn't want ds to see. In any event, seems to me you did good.

(typing too fast)... perhaps dh was worried the man might be dead....

did you talk to the guy op?

Really interesting thread .. ... and I think the core question is what we can do as individuals.

Im someone who has always given to the charities (Crisis, etc) but NOT to individuals UNTIL I had a DC, when I realised quite how inhumane that is. Yes, charities may use my money effectively (and Im sure they do) - but there is also enormous value in the personal connection, both talking and "giving" in whatever form - showing someone that they matter.

But what actually makes a difference, if only to one person for that one day? Twice I felt we have... once a seriously distressed man clearly with MH problems who had recently lost his mother - we bought him coffee and food and talked... and I felt truly desperate thinking that I could see so little hope for him when we parted, and in losing his mum he truly had become a lost soul.

The other much simpler - a young man surprised when we said he could choose whatever he wanted from Pret - Im 90% confident it was genuine surprise and delight - in choosing for himself a range of stuff....he kept checking with us we really meant it...

So I guess what I have moved to is a mix of charity support and some individual support when for whatever reason I/we connect with someone whose path crosses with mine/ours....

Only taking your 11 year old to a situation with unknown outcome was questionable. Offering warm drink fine. Can understand DH's view.

The crisis choir have just been on channel 4 news www.channel4.com/news/crisis-choir-sing-streets-of-london

and hears the link to buy the single again, if you want to support them.

www.crisis.org.uk/get-involved/streets-of-london/

YADNBU You have showed your DD how to be kind to others less fortunate than you. Your DH needs to grow up in my opinion! You took a homeless man a cup of tea!! What is dangerous about that?!

Nothing wrong with showing a bit of compassion for another person.

Bit of a sweeping statement...... you might want to do some wider reading on homelessness....

We were walking the dog late one evening ( down our quiet residential street) when I saw a man laid in a puddle. I went across to investigate despite 15 year old DS telling me not to. I could not leave him there to possibly freeze to death. It turned out that he was very very drunk. We got him on his feet and asked him where he lived. He pointed to a house so we took him there but it turned out to be the wrong house . The man who lived there was shocked to see two people, a dog and a drunk on his doorstep! The man's phone kept ringing so we spoke to his mum who came bustling round to give him a real telling off. It turned out he lived in a similar house on the next street!

My friend regularly saw a homeless man sleeping rough near her house. On Christmas Day she took him a dinner and he told her to f##k off! It turns out he was an educated and fairly wealthy man who had just opted out of society.

Toooldtobearsed That was beautiful to read. I knew a homeless person, in fact I know quite a few. I don’t live in the same area anymore so I don’t know how they are doing which sometimes really worries me. I was supposed to be living at my grandads flat alone but it seems they were spying on me and other issues etc I brought someone back so that they could have something warm to eat and a bath. I got caught by my nan who seriously had a go at me and I still do not get why. Yes there are worries but I was pretty Street smart and refuse to see the homeless as lesser than myself. Even if they are taking drugs or prostituting themselves out, I won’t judge them and I don’t think anyone should really. I’ve met far scarier people who aren’t homeless and seem to be ok financially.

sandgrown

Dreadful. Probably voted Brexit, too!!!