To pick my child over my relationship?

[MardyMarie]

I have four children, aged 6, 4, 2 and 2 months. I separated from DP 6 months ago because our home life was intolerable. He was like a spectator living in the home and had little to do with the 'nitty gritty' of family life - ok to play occasionally but no good with illness, bedtime, school and nursery run, bath time, discipline ect. He moved to his mum's on the basis that we'd try and work things out but it's just not working. I love him as a partner but not as a fellow parent and I can't see any way of improving things.

The DC cry and whinge constantly when he's around. They all cling to me and don't listen to him at all. If we go out he'll be desperate to hold the baby because the others just won't cooperate with him whatsoever. I back him up but it's just miserable. When he isn't here, they're well adjusted, happy and play nicely together. He doesn't put any boundaries in place and will do anything to avoid having to tell them off yet despite me always having to be bad cop, they constantly push him away.

They all refuse to be alone or go out alone with him so working on relationships 1:1 isn't an option. It's been tried and they just cry for me the entire time. I have never been able to leave the house without children in almost 7 years and I feel suffocated but they are miserable with him and would be happier with a sitter.

He loves them and wants to see them and I would love for us all to be a family but I can't bear seeing the DC unhappy whenever he's here. AIBU to ask of anyone can think of anything we can do to improve things, or is it going to be a case of having to sacrifice my relationship for the sake of the DCs happiness?

At that age my dcs preferred me over dh. It wasn’t anything more fundamental other than they were just more used to me and dh wasn’t confident handling them himself. They were fine when I wasn’t around.

I made him parent them more by going out etc. They grumbled (loudly!) but gradually they got used to it and now it’s fine (they’re 8&6).

So I suspect part of the issue is you enabling your dp to be crap and not leaving him to it. Plus your dp just not knowing what he’s doing and being too scared to try.

Has he always been like this or did it start when you had more kids? 4 kids that young are going to be difficult to cope with. Maybe the DH feels pushed out, presumably he wasn’t always like this as you’ve done on to have more kids together. When did things change? I can’t imagine you have much time for each other. Quite frankly I would be at a loss with so many very young children running around. Maybe suggest each look after a designated 2. Perhaps use combination feeding so he can help feed the baby when out and about if that’s what he’s comfortable with.

They are 6 and under! They don't get to dictate whixh parent looks after them.Your dh needs more practice at looking after them and you need to stop undermining his confidence

This all sounds so bewildering. In terms on how or why it's become that your DCs are quite hostile to their father. If you're 100% sure there's no sinister reason then why not leave them with him for a while? They may cry, sulk etc but if you're not there to rush in and soothe as soon as you hear a little discontent then eventually they'll get used to it, won't they? He's their dad. You say he doesn't set boundaries - but, do you? It doesn't sound as if he gets the chance to get close with your DCs. You sound unable to let him.

Not saying that's definitely the case, of course. Just the way it comes across in some of the things you say. As if when all of you are together you're there and watchful, poised to swoop in if there's a murmur as you can deal with it better. That can be nerve-wracking for a parent.

Anyway family counselling has been suggested so hopefully that will be positive, as a situation where one parent is constantly rejected in favour of the other isn't good. If you want a family relationship then it's not either or in terms of choosing between DH & DCs. He's there, he's their dad and they'll have to get used to that.