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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a gift-wrapped potato to DD on Christmas morning?

389 replies

Skittlesandbeer · 15/12/2017 21:47

Was chatting with school mums yesterday while we watched kids play sport. This idea was raised, and split opinion in the group.

Given that most of us have used Santa/Father Christmas coming as a carrot or a stick to encourage good behaviour in DC over November and December, doesn’t it follow that we should deal with the bad behaviour on the Christmas present pile as well?

Is it unreasonable to add a beautifully gift-wrapped potato with a label that says that this would have been a another proper present from Santa, had the behaviour been better?

This came out of a conversation about how our kids (aged 4-8) have cottoned on to the disconnect between their mums harping on about Santa’s ‘naughty or nice’ list, and in reality there’s actually a shed load of stuff to open (even though they know they’ve been naughty). One mum said her kids sneer that Santa doesn’t care, and they know they can get presents anyway so why bother being good?

I quite liked the idea, and of keeping the potato in the ‘loot pile’ for a while afterwards as a reminder (until I can’t be arsed going to the shops and cook it for their dinner!).

So AIBU to wrap one?

And perhaps give it to DD first, if she wakes me at 5.30am on the 25th after I’ve had to coordinate 40 pairs of coat hanger/tinsel angel wings for Christmas Eve mass? Xmas Grin

A valid parenting hack, or unreasonably mean (Christmas) spirited?

OP posts:
GlomOfNit · 18/12/2017 00:41

I know someone who follows the German tradition of Knecht Ruprecht (look it up) who is a companion of Saint Nicholas and leaves sticks (switches) in bad children's shoes/boots instead of gingerbread/sweetmeats/presents. One year, she did actually put sticks in one of her children's boots (the child did get the goodies too, but first it was the sticks) because of misdemeanours. I remember thinking at the time that it was appallingly cuntish behaviour to do that to a 7/8 yo.

GlomOfNit · 18/12/2017 00:45

On the other hand, I was a bit of a cunt yesterday when we went to get our Christmas tree and I was a bit peremptory about it, because we had to MOVE then and there, and DS1 (9) was intending to play sodding Dangermouse games on DH's laptop and didn't appear to get the urgency. I'm afraid I lost it and shouted 'well then there will be NO SODDING TREE this year because we have to get it now' and he cried a bit. Sad So I'm a shit too, but at least I realised and apologised. And we got the tree. And he played his bloody computer game when we got back.

I have never, ever, threatened to 'cancel christmas', or that FC will only be rewarding 'good boys' or even that the sodding Elf on the Shelf is Watching. (He isn't. He's currently on the Christmas tree, molesting a reindeer ornament.)

DottyBlue2 · 18/12/2017 07:14

We once had a new gas fire fitted with fake coal and real flames. We had a spare bag of the coal so DS (aged 5 at the time) and I wrapped it up as a "present" for DH and put it under the tree. DS thought it was hilarious but I don't remember DH laughing as he unwrapped it.

Whereisthegin1978 · 18/12/2017 07:26

I think this is mean. we shouldn't be using Santa as a discipline tool. My 9 year old has been particularly testing the last few weeks and has to be honest behaved fairly badly - turns out there has been some issues in school and she was struggling to deal with it all (measures now put in place to help her find a way through and a calm has resumed!) Anyway Even her 7 year old sister wondered what's wrong and asked about the naughty list. I told her that Santa reviews the whole year so her sister won't be on it. No child is naughty for a whole year !

ILoveMillhousesDad · 18/12/2017 07:38

I think it's a crap idea and yes, child might not be traumatised, but I get the feeling you think it is funny.

The fact that you think it would be a good idea to say 'this would have been a proper present if you weren't naughty', is an awful idea.

When was this naughty behaviour? It would have had to have been over a week ago on Christmas day. Was it last month? 2 weeks ago?

It's totally a twatty thing to do.

MrsKoala · 18/12/2017 08:11

If you have to use Christmas to make your children behave, you are doing parenting wrong, what the hell do you do the rest of the year?

Birthdays/holidays/trips/treats etc.

I'd love other methods to work but they just don't have any impact. When DS1 is shrieking and running around at 5am or punching and kicking me the only thing i have found is saying he wont get whatever the next 'treat' is. He has a glazed look and nothing else gets thru. Everything else also escalates it. I have been told to use the things he wants in this way.

As i said i would never do a potato and also it's too delayed as a form of punishment. But as a threat to get him to snap out of whatever he is doing it does jolt him and make him think about what he wants and how his behaviour may impact on that.

Last year the kids smashed up the xmas tree shouting 'Ruin christmas'. and i was really really tempted to just cancel the lot! I didn't of course tho.

Emlou07 · 18/12/2017 08:15

Yes it is unreasonable. People should stop emotionally blackmailing their kids with an imaginary man!

Children are meant to love Christmas. It's supposed to be a magical time for the whole family. Why taint it with a bloody potato Hmm

Practise good behaviour all year round instead of just the run up to Christmas?

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 18/12/2017 08:58

I think it's a great idea! No unreasonable at all!
Those people who are saying it is unreasonable need to wind their necks in and be more realistic about their precious little Angels!

artisancraftbeer · 18/12/2017 09:07

We do it and both children will have a potato in their stocking. Sometimes two if they've asked nicely.

Santa presents are all odds and ends- toiletries, pencils and a book etc not main presents and it's not instead of anything. Main presents are under the tree and opened after breakfast.

I don't think they're traumatised. They were deciding yesterday whether a particular game they were planning was fun enough to justify risking another potato. They decided it was but I won't take anything away.

ukulelelady · 18/12/2017 09:10

I had a friend who's brother got coal for Christmas. I can't remember what he'd done, his presents were eventually found later on in the day with a note from Santa saying please let that be a lesson.

We had a kids Christmas a few years ago where Santa visited. The mum's gave our dressed up friend a few notes about our children that only Santa would know. When it was my child's turn Santa said "I wasn't sure if I should bring you anything this year as I saw you playing with the fire. It was very dangerous. Me and the Elves were worried and so was your Mum (My son took ash and dead embers out of a unlit fireplace for cargo for playing with his Trains)
"But I know you wouldn't do it again and I also saw how helpful you were helping with your neighbours with their Christmas tree, etc,etc". I must admit I did feel guilty as the other mum's all gave glowing reports for Santa to read out

The other thing I did 😬 Was to put a jar of mustard in santas sack saying another child's name - one we don't know. The reason for this was my son went through a biting phase the year before I tried many things, it was terrible I was black and blue. The thing that worked was a small teaspoon of mustard I fed him after he bit me..... the following year it looked like he might start again after he playfully bit me a couple of times....
so when Santa brought out a jar of mustard, I saw the look of horror on my sons face. Santa said "Brian" and my son said to me "brian must be a biter! I don't think he's getting any presents this year. He's never bit again!

ukulelelady · 18/12/2017 09:14

MrsKoala - if that had happened in my house. The kids would've come down to see their presents then I would've carted them to the loft until after lunch or the next day - well you said ruin Christmas!

EvilDoctorBallerinaRoastDuck · 18/12/2017 10:34

Glom (loving the name BTW, I've been known to use that quote when the DC are complaining about the weather on the walk to school) that's natural consequences. If we're late, we won't get a tree.

LesDennishair · 18/12/2017 10:56

I think it's a great idea! No unreasonable at all!Those people who are saying it is unreasonable need to wind their necks in and be more realistic about their precious little Angels!
Hmm
OP isn't doing it as some sort of 'in joke' you know, or as a traditional part of her culture, which would be pefectly acceptable. OP has only just latched onto the idea from some other parents and is thinking of using it as a punitive measure.
I think there's some goady feckery going on, in any case, and OP hasn't returned to the thread to answer questions.

LesDennishair · 18/12/2017 10:59

Artisan, they've asked for the potato, a little different from the OP. Unless you're gift wrapping them with a note about previous bad behaviours.

loobybear · 18/12/2017 11:14

I agree with the premise that what is said needs to be followed through, but that's why I wouldn't use Santa as a threat. I don't think it's the end of the world a child getting a potato instead of presents but there are a couple of issues that I can see with doing this:-
1- It could be well after the event that they are being punished for, at which point the child may well have even forgotten what they actually did to deserve the potato instead of a gift. Reminding them of it is focussing on the negatives (and on that day that's supposed to be about joy and love). I believe consequences should be immediate but then the negative behaviour shouldn't be dwelt on once it has been dealt with.
2- If your child gets a potato and none of their friends did think about how that could make them feel and think. I'm a teacher and in the past have had a child ask why Santa brings them less presents that the other children (it's because their parents can't afford it) and it breaks your heart a bit. Imagine your child starting to think that they must be really bad because they got a potato and no one else did, as well as the impact this could have on their self-esteem it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy where the child starts to see themselves as 'bad' and so play up to that.

Madsy1990 · 18/12/2017 11:29

I cant even deal with how stupid you all are. 'Abuse'? Really? Fucking hell. 'Oh poor little sally, she got 643 presents AND a potato, she's going to remember this for the rest if her life and need at least 12 years of therapy' Will you all get a grip for the love of fuck.

LesDennishair · 18/12/2017 11:39

You sound angry, Madsy Grin Take some of your own advice, perhaps and have one of those grips you keep mentioning.

haveacupoftea · 18/12/2017 11:55

What if DP gave you 3 presents and one was a potato with a label saying because you weren't good you didn't get the real gift?

Madsy1990 · 18/12/2017 12:02

So you actually do think giving a child a potato alongside probably many other gifts actually contstitutes abuse? I'm not angry, but I do despair. This is absolutely ridiculous and the amount of slating that the op has recieved (by lots of people who can't even spell 'potato') is astonishing. This whole thing is painful. Abuse is abuse,
And this is not that, nor should the term be bandied about.

Madsy1990 · 18/12/2017 12:04

I don't know how to do the taggy thing, haveacupoftea, but if the child normally only gets 3 presents then...erm..well, I'm afraid I can't see the issue.

tangerino · 18/12/2017 12:18

Classic Muphry’s Law there, Madsy.

AgathaRaisonDetra · 18/12/2017 12:23

What's Muphry's Law?

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 18/12/2017 12:32

Madsy, were not saying that children should have a stupid number of presents. We're just saying that they shouldn't have to have parents that like to cause them distress, on purpose, to avoid having to teach them properly...

chequeplease · 18/12/2017 12:37

This would be awful. Think of your poor child on Christmas feeling humiliated. It doesn't matter if it's amongst other presents, the potato will tarnish their day and no doubt they'll remember it forever.
Why don't you use other methods to address their behaviour instead- if this situation was in the summer you wouldn't be thinking about using Christmas to 'punish', you'd be using other tactics.
Let Christmas be joyful and a day to enjoy your family.

EmpressoftheMundane · 18/12/2017 12:39

It's emotional abuse Madsy1990. It's what the potato symbolises. The parent has just labelled the child "bad" or at least lacking compared to their siblings and all their friends in a general way because it isn't the direct consequence of a specific behaviour. The child is just labelled a bad person.

(Obviously, in households where the potato is a running joke, it symbolises something completely different. That's a tricky thing to get right or get started. I wouldn't suggest mere amateurs attempt this!)

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