To give a gift-wrapped potato to DD on Christmas morning?

[Skittlesandbeer]

Was chatting with school mums yesterday while we watched kids play sport. This idea was raised, and split opinion in the group.

Given that most of us have used Santa/Father Christmas coming as a carrot or a stick to encourage good behaviour in DC over November and December, doesn’t it follow that we should deal with the bad behaviour on the Christmas present pile as well?

Is it unreasonable to add a beautifully gift-wrapped potato with a label that says that this would have been a another proper present from Santa, had the behaviour been better?

This came out of a conversation about how our kids (aged 4-8) have cottoned on to the disconnect between their mums harping on about Santa’s ‘naughty or nice’ list, and in reality there’s actually a shed load of stuff to open (even though they know they’ve been naughty). One mum said her kids sneer that Santa doesn’t care, and they know they can get presents anyway so why bother being good?

I quite liked the idea, and of keeping the potato in the ‘loot pile’ for a while afterwards as a reminder (until I can’t be arsed going to the shops and cook it for their dinner!).

So AIBU to wrap one?

And perhaps give it to DD first, if she wakes me at 5.30am on the 25th after I’ve had to coordinate 40 pairs of coat hanger/tinsel angel wings for Christmas Eve mass?

A valid parenting hack, or unreasonably mean (Christmas) spirited?

Gosh children are so delicate these days. All this overthinking about everything can't be good. These kids are soon going to be out in the real world where their boss or partner hands them 'a potato' every now and then. No wonder nobody can cope with other people being assholes these days.

Actually, no.

The world is full of assholes as assholes were treated in ways when they were young that made them into assholes.

I wouldn't say I'm a weak parent at all. And to call someone this is a bit shit!

And now your gonna tell me well to threaten you kid with santa is a bit shit too

Who is in the wrong though?

Don't wrap the potato!
It's mean!

Having read some of the other responses I think if you have a tradition where your children get a potato or a bit of coal and you’ve done it from birth and it happens to all the kids then that is a bit of Christmas fun and it’s expected and accepted by the children as such.
This is very different from a child suddenly finding a potato one year and being told it’s a punishment for being naughty.

I hope this doesn’t come across as a dig but to those of you who use santa as a punishment - how do you discuss poverty with your children? Do they not make the connection between no presents/naughty?

Gosh children are so delicate these days. All this overthinking about everything can't be good. These kids are soon going to be out in the real world where their boss or partner hands them 'a potato' every now and then. No wonder nobody can cope with other people being assholes these days.

This is an old fashioned attitude. In fact, studies show that a resilient character comes from having empathy for yourself and others, not being toughened up. The toughening up just creates a burden for the child psychologically as they grow up.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/promoting-empathy-your-teen/201005/empathy-promotes-emotional-resiliency

I'm not saying that children should be protected from natural consequences at all times. But a potato for Xmas is not a natural consequence; it's vindictive behaviour by the adults a child should be able to trust most in this world.

Exactly gamerwidow. DS2's told that it's a reminder to try and control his impulses.

Please don't do this! What are you hoping to achieve? Children are terrible at understanding non-immediate consequences so it's unlikely to have an behaviour effect in the next year - possibly even worse behaviour from a child who now thinks of themselves as naughty. It comes across as really petty, that you want to get revenge on your child for their behaviour by giving them a nasty, humiliating shock on a day that is supposed to be exciting and happy.

For people saying that it's funny, how is it funny? What is funny about it? "Oh haha you thought you were getting a nice surprise but you're not looool"

Just think how you would feel if your OH gave you a beautifully wrapped potato - your excitement and anticipation turning to disappointment. Would that be hilarious?

Shame and humiliation are poor parenting tools that cause real psychological damage and aren't even that effective.

If done in the right way, to the right child, I'm sure that a potato could be a funny joke, but it would be so very easy to get it wrong and cause shame instead. Unless it was already a running joke in the family/community, I wouldn't risk it.

DH's family were keen on shame and humiliation as parenting techniques to 'keep control' (dominance) and harden them up in preparation for the adult world. It didn't work very well and they now have very strained relations with both their adult children. It's sad as they're not bad people, they just misjudged the effect their parenting would have.

DH and I can't afford to give each other presents.

Please read those threads about rubbish xmas presents. Especially the ones about getting passive aggressive presents - clothes too small etc.
This is just the same.

EmpressoftheMundane, Dani240 and SockEatingMonster, excellent posts. I'm sorry about your dh, it's clear nowadays that shame and disappointment are not good parenting tools.

I am a potato. I look like a bum.
Please do not use me to poke some fun.

There’s no shame or disappointment in the spuds in my kids’ stockings. Just a laugh.
But then, they know it’s me really, and I’m a jokey mum who makes it known that no-ones perfect (me included).
If it was done to a child who believes in Santa and done with a straight face as a form of discipline then yes, totally mean and uncalled for.
Discipline and presents shouldn’t be linked.

I had one year when I was 8 of being a little cow because I had no idea how to process my parents hideous divorce. I got coal in my stocking at Christmas for 'acting up'. I have never forgotten it.

I don't like the OP's implication that those who don't agree with her tactics are being provincial by misunderstanding an entire continent of people either. Get stuffed.
Agree. Notice she didn’t come back to fully expand after being questioned on that either...

Mummyoflittledragon
Yeah, I did. Apologised at bedtime and we made up again. It wasn’t my finest parenting hour - but it has been a really testing week!

I agree that using Santa as a parenting technique is weak parenting and I do similar sometimes (tho not with Santa) when I'm knackered and out of options. It doesn't make it right.
The potato gift is definitely horrid.

Children need unconditional love. It's hard and we're not perfect but we should try. And planning to give them a shit gift for Xmas is quite crap.

Also a joke to a parent isn't the same for the less experienced (in bullshit) minds of kids. One Xmas eve when I was 8, my dm told me she'd forgotten to get presents so she and df would have to get our presents from the pub where they were going for Xmas eve drinks. I spent all night worrying gloomily how I would respond to crisps and coke type presents without hurting their feelings. Finding out it was a joke the next day didn't wipe out the bad feelings and that's the stand out memory - not the presents I really did get.

Is this in the Daily Fail yet?

I think it's a fun idea but I wouldn't give it as a proper present but as a joke present, perhaps saying if they behave like that next year that's what they'll be having. my son once gave me a bag of flour as he thought I didn't cook enough cakes.

Nola I’ve actually been advised to use gifts and things ds1 looks forward too as ‘incentives’ for his behaviour by paediatricians and people who advise on stuff like this. No other things work. Presumably people know their children and design their discipline accordingly. It most certainly isn’t lazy parenting - it’s just the only parenting that works with him.

There is no humiliation involved but he is informed that without doing x he won’t be getting y. There is no being good for it’s own sake. He does not feel any reward from praise or pleasing us.

DH told DS that he might end up with a lump of coal and now he really wants one so Granny is going to keep one aside for him and wrap it up. Probably be the highlight of his Christmas.