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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You're a naughty girl!', said DP. AIBU?

183 replies

Rainatnight · 15/12/2017 10:19

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or not. DP and I are having a tricky time at the moment and I don't want to make a big deal out of it if I'm being unreasonable.

DD, 18 months, tried to draw on the newly decorated kitchen wall three times when I was out of the room this morning.

I came into the room to find DP picking her up and saying 'naughty girl!' to her.

I really don't agree with this. I don't think a child that young can be 'naughty', and I think labelling a really little child as naughty for normal toddler behaviour is really unhelpful.

But I'm quite soft and I over think this kind of thing more than DP. It could just be a figure of speech and not something that will scar DD for life!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
LeCroissant · 15/12/2017 14:58

You're offended by a stranger implying that your child is 'in some ways a less than nice child' but you're ok with other children being labelled naughty Miaow?

FlashTheSloth · 15/12/2017 15:00

Tbh, you should have firmly said "no" the first time and immediately remove the pencil. I don't know why you didn't. I've had 2 toddlers, neither have even tried to draw on walls. Colouring was only allowed at a table, no walking around with pencils, pens not allowed until older.

I don't like saying a child is naughty either, in fact we don't even tend to say naughty. We label the behaviour, tbh, I haven't seen that dping this helps at all. DCs will always take it as they are naughty, not the thing tney have done. They are older now and I've had to explain it many times, that's it's not them, it's the behaviour I don't like. I'm not sure if children really differentiate now, but it may still have an impact when they are older, to be labelled as something. I've never forgotten being called thick, only a handful of times, because I didn't understand something.

LaDilettante · 15/12/2017 15:03

I don't think it's a big deal to be honest. However, I tend to tell my nearly three year old 'That's naughty behaviour' or 'you are being naughty' as in naughty in the moment.

I do think you should put away pens, pencils and stickers unless your daughter is in the same room as you. From my own experience as a kid, I plastered my parent's nice, white long line of built-in wardrobes in the corridor. When I got told off I said: 'But it looked boring all white and I used all my favourite stickers!!!'. Apparently you can't really argue with that ;-)

MiaowMix · 15/12/2017 15:04

You are unbelivably obtuse LeCroissant.
I am offended that you (or anyone) would judge a child who describes other children as naughty, yes. I think that's pathetic, frankly.
And all children know (and say) who is naughty because they're not bogged down in semantics.

If my child did behave in a naughty fashion (consistently), I would not give a fuck if people called her the naughty child, no.

Interesting though that you pick up on that and not the fact I said I DO understand the label the behaviour, not the child thing. I merely don't understand what is wrong with the word 'naughty'.

FlouncyDoves · 15/12/2017 15:06

YABU to expect your DP/DH whatever to adhere to your particular hang ups.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2017 15:07

It's called 'showing goady fucker behaviour', Miaow and no amount of reasoning is going to penetrate.

MiaowMix · 15/12/2017 15:08

GrinLyingWitchInTheWardrobe you're right! Not sure why I bother to engage.

Flowerpot1234 · 15/12/2017 15:10

mogonfoxnight

I'd eat my christmas tree if you found sources the other way, to back up what you were saying.

Last time I heard that logic, it was "prove you don't have WMD" which led us all into rather a mess! Grin

Babybauble · 15/12/2017 15:12

Aslong as he's not aggressive in expressing it, shouting etc. I would be more inclined to say the behaviour is naughty, but I don't think he's commited any major paranting fail. Maybe explain to criticise the behaviour, not the child.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 15/12/2017 15:15

Yes don’t overthink this!

If your DH is good with your daughter, in tune with her, that’s the most important thing. At that age, she will be picking up the ‘tone’ of the speech more than the actual speech. Yes it’s better to say ‘No’ or even better if you can ‘No’ followed immediately by what you’d like her to do ‘No... Gentle touch’ (instead of Don’t hit!)

mogonfoxnight · 15/12/2017 16:05

lol, yes well lets not start a nuclear war over it, for sure! i will try to find some bona fide sources later.

LeCroissant · 15/12/2017 16:49

'I am offended that you (or anyone) would judge a child who describes other children as naughty, yes. I think that's pathetic, frankly.'

I know you think I'm goady/obtuse Miaow but I am genuinely baffled at your attitude. You think it's awful to judge a child for calling another child naughty, but it's absolutely fine to label a child 'the naughty child' - surely they're essentially the same thing, as in, they both involve judging a child?

Jux · 15/12/2017 17:10

I get what you’re saying, exactly. For some people (my dh is a case in point!) seeing the difference between the person and the behaviour is an alien concept and hard to grasp. He did get it, though, and dd seems to be OK. I think that if you’re main carer your child will hear your words much more often, and your dh will get it eventually.

MiaowMix · 15/12/2017 17:54

Oh hey lecroissant, let’s just agree to disagree. Different stroke and all that. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with the word naughty, is all. ✌🏼

CriticalMass · 15/12/2017 18:28

Set boundaries early and be consistent.

Twinkie1 · 15/12/2017 18:32

That's it ruined for life. She'll be a psychopath without a doubt.

Wait till she's 13 and as tall as you, starring you in the face after being an entitled insolent little madam, naughty will be the mildest of terms that will fly from your lips.

moreofaslummythanyummy · 15/12/2017 18:38

must have a dirty mind... when I saw the title I thought it was going to be about the OP's DH calling her a naughty girl in some sort of bedroom scenario!! blush

Glad it wasn't just me Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2017 18:39

Where did you get that 'two fingers' icon, Miaow? It's so very apt and handy.

mum11970 · 15/12/2017 18:51

You’re naughty, your behaviour is naughty... get over it, an 18 month old will know no difference between the two bloomin statements. Gees I’m surprised all us oldies, who were brought up without all this tiptoeing around, are not raving psychopaths.

ZZZZ1111 · 15/12/2017 19:10

OP you'll find some interesting discussions about this sort of thing on the Gentle Parenting UK Facebook group. You may find some like minded parents there!

SilverySurfer · 15/12/2017 19:11

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross
I still think I'll have a word and just get some clarification that I'd prefer 'that's naughty' etc.

And what would he prefer? Or does he not get a say in how to parent his (assuming here as you haven't said she's not) child?

I agree with the above. My parents had vastly different parenting approaches and both were effective in their different ways. If your DP is also your DD's parent, then you are being unreasonable to think your way is the only way.

mogonfoxnight · 15/12/2017 19:28

flower a very quick google took me to this article by Laura Markham PhD who is a child psychologist - if you paste the words into google search engine they will take you to the whole articles if anyone would like to read them:

""You love climbing! But the TV cabinet's not safe for climbing. Let's go outside where you can climb safely." What does the child learn? His impulse to climb is fine. Climbing onto the TV cabinet isn't safe. Climbing outside is fine. Mom and Dad can be relied on to guide him, and to help him switch gears. The child turns and climbs into the parent's arms. (This is probably not the first time he's heard this, so it takes great patience from the parent. But sooner or later, he hears their voice in his head as he begins climbing, and he stops. You might think of it as the beginning of conscience, and self-discipline.)

What if, instead, the parent said: "You know better than to climb on that! You naughty boy! Can't you stop giving me trouble for one minute?" What does he learn? He's naughty, bad, a source of trouble for his parents. The things he wants to do are bad. Exploring is bad, climbing is bad. He should be different, he's not good enough the way he is.

He hears the No. And he feels the mild shame that is the biological result of reining in his impulses. But now that shame is all mixed up with the feeling of being a bad boy who is trouble for his parents. He can't bear that feeling, so he climbs away from them, higher.

Does he WANT to switch gears, to "listen"? Not really. He's already given up on pleasing his parents. Sure, they can haul him off the TV cabinet (and all of us will, since this is a safety issue), but he isn't CHOOSING to follow their lead. So he isn't actually building the neural wiring he needs to switch gears."

BogstandardBelle · 15/12/2017 19:44

We've never used the words naughty or nice, or good or bad to describe either the child or the behaviour.

If an 18 month old has three opportunities to draw on a wall, then id say it's pretty lazy parenting. After the first time she did it, he should have got off his arse, gone over to her and taken all pencils etc away and put them out of her reach, told her ' we don't draw on walls, it makes a big mess, when we draw, we draw on paper' and - ideally - sat down and done something to distract her. No guilt / shame needed, just a neutral statement of facts and showing her what is acceptable and appropriate.

Its called GOYB parenting - Get Off Your Butt.

StrugglingAlbion · 15/12/2017 19:47

I try to "label the behaviour, not the child". I swear I do. By you know what? In the heat of the moment, when it's 10pm and your toddler is refusing to go to sleep and starts deliberately trying to wake the baby, sometimes I forget and all my parenting mantras to out of the window.

Because I'm a human being and not a robot.

It's ok to get it wrong sometimes. It is no wonder that parenting is so bloody stressful these days, really. So much pressure.

StrugglingAlbion · 15/12/2017 19:51

The other day my 3 year old (overtired and so in her best "I want to watch the world burn" mode) scribbled all over one of my leather chairs with a biro pen (tips for removal welcome). When I walked into the kitchen she desperately tried to push me back out again because she didn't want me to see it. She then cried because she knew it was naughty and she had done wrong. I never had to open my mouth! I've never seen her do that before.

Tbh I didn't really react. I gave her a cuddle and said "you know that's a naughty thing to do don't you?" "Yes" "so you won't do it again will you?" "No mummy".

Was that the right way to handle it? Who the fuck knows. I don't have a manual to tell me these things.