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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You're a naughty girl!', said DP. AIBU?

183 replies

Rainatnight · 15/12/2017 10:19

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or not. DP and I are having a tricky time at the moment and I don't want to make a big deal out of it if I'm being unreasonable.

DD, 18 months, tried to draw on the newly decorated kitchen wall three times when I was out of the room this morning.

I came into the room to find DP picking her up and saying 'naughty girl!' to her.

I really don't agree with this. I don't think a child that young can be 'naughty', and I think labelling a really little child as naughty for normal toddler behaviour is really unhelpful.

But I'm quite soft and I over think this kind of thing more than DP. It could just be a figure of speech and not something that will scar DD for life!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
mogonfoxnight · 15/12/2017 10:43

I think it would be ok to ask your partner to just say "no, no drawing on walls" rather than using the naughty label. Because it is a label... it may seem precious as it is a word most of us use naturally because of our own upbringing, but it would alienate most of us if we were called bad or naughty with any seriousness and so that is going to apply to a child too. You could print her off something which talks about criticising the behaviour, not the person/child.

purpleflower23 · 15/12/2017 10:44

Sorry, DP not DH!

mogonfoxnight · 15/12/2017 10:44

purpleflowers me too!! I obviously have a filthy mind too.

Terrylene · 15/12/2017 10:45

Toddlers don't understand no or naughty. That is why you get it parroted back and they go and do it again (saying they are naughty).

Direct them towards something that you actually do want them to do and put the pens out of reach and out of sight/mind.

Enidblyton1 · 15/12/2017 10:45

Yep, I would say pick better battles with your battles with DP. Agree with you that it's better to label the behaviour rather than the child, but nobody is perfect. You are being a little oversensitive.

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 15/12/2017 10:45

Errrrrrr YABU and if I were your DH I'd be rolling my eyes at such silly behaviour

FluffyWuffy100 · 15/12/2017 10:46

At 18 months old she hears ‘naughty’ and the semantics of naughty girl v naughty behaviour are not understood.

Mustang27 · 15/12/2017 10:47

Yep naughty behaviour not naughty child. It's so hard in the heat of the moment to get things right. You can't change it now but have a sit down with your partner and discuss it and hopefully he will see a subtle change in the way he says things makes a massive difference.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/12/2017 10:47

But I'm quite soft and I over think this kind of thing more than DP. It could just be a figure of speech and not something that will scar DD for life!

There you go. You've answered your own question.

NotAgainYoda · 15/12/2017 10:47

The volume of talk some of you are suggesting me directed at a toddler is silly. You say No, you take the pen away, you distract

Thetreesareallgone · 15/12/2017 10:47

Toddlers do understand the word 'no', what a strange thing to say! One of my dd's first words was 'no', shake of the head and a refusal to do the thing you were trying to get her to do (eat/sleep/put shoes on etc). This is not parroting, it's full use of the term in the linguistic and physical sense!

HotelEuphoria · 15/12/2017 10:48

Over reaction much.

purpleflower23 · 15/12/2017 10:48

mogonfoxnight - glad I'm not the only one!! Grin

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 15/12/2017 10:49

Good grief. You sound like hard work to be married to if this is the extent to which your partner needs to overthink what he says.

Is he your DD's father? Does he have a say on how he parents his child?

BlindAssassin1 · 15/12/2017 10:50

All this semantics of 'naughty girl' vs 'naughty behaviour' just goes right over children's heads.

This. It takes too much head space thinking through all this stuff allll the time.

Also, remove the crayons and all pens from her reach.

NotAgainYoda · 15/12/2017 10:51

Are some of you missing that the child tried 3 times? That wasn't so much parenting as calling across a room.

BackBoiler · 15/12/2017 10:51

If you only say she is naughty when she IS being naughty then she will only think she is naughty when she has done something wrong.

E.g. If she has thrown food on the floor she is being naughty but if she has dropped it by accident then she isn't.

She will know when she is older what she has done on purpose and what she hasn't!!!!

RuncibleSp00n · 15/12/2017 10:52

But she WAS being a naughty girl if she deliberately kept doing it after being repeatedly firmly told not to.

Your DH was telling your DD that she was being naughty to keep breaking the established rules. Which she was.

PositivelyPERF · 15/12/2017 10:53

Dear God! I swear you can't say a single word to a child nowadays without causing deep emotional damage. Never mind needing more public toilets, at this rate we're going to need designated 'safe spaces' in every high street.

MammaTJ · 15/12/2017 10:53

I think an 18 month old is well able to know behaviour is wrong, especially as she had 'tried to do it three times', and clearly been told 'No'.

She will not be scarred for life, but I do agree it is better to label the behaviour rather than the child. She did need telling though and moving away from temptation, so all in all, good job your DP!

Terrylene · 15/12/2017 10:53

Toddlers do understand the word 'no', what a strange thing to say! One of my dd's first words was 'no', shake of the head and a refusal to do the thing you were trying to get her to do (eat/sleep/put shoes on etc). This is not parroting, it's full use of the term in the linguistic and physical sense! Your toddler has found a word to control you and is trying out the various scenarios to see you it works Wink

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 15/12/2017 10:53

If you explain something to a toddler then keep it short.

In my experience positive statements like "We draw on paper" works better than "Don't draw on walls" but I've not walked into the room and seen a toddler drawing on the walls so easy for me to say.

Yy to the behaviour rather than girl being naughty.

overthetop2 · 15/12/2017 10:55

It's OK to use the word naughty, but it should refer to the behaviour, not the child.

I try to say "That was a naughty thing to do", or "xyz is naughty".
If my kids ever call themselves naughty, I correct them and say they are good children.

However, unless you are told about this distinction and the possible affects, there is no reason why someone would think about it. Just explain the difference to your DH calmly. Parenting skills come with time and it can be a steep learning curve.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 15/12/2017 10:55

I’m of the camp of ‘naughty behaviour but not naughty child’. So I would have an issue too OP.
I personally dint think it’s NOT an overreaction. For me it’s not different than telling a child they are stupid. It’s labelling the person and setting their identity in stone as in ‘you ARE naughty/clever/stupid’ etc.... None of which is helpful, esp with a child that age.
I also think that semantics DO matter. Much more than most people think.

TBH I’ve never felt the need to label the child or even the behaviour.
A simple no with a short redirection (focus on what te child should do rathervthan what he shouldn’t do) works much better IMO.
So things would go ‘No. You need to caress the dog this way’ if dc was pulling the dog’s tail etc...

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 15/12/2017 10:57

Missed her trying 3 times.
In that case, I'd offer paper after her first try and confiscate pencil if she tried again and just say "We draw on paper." She'll be furious and try again in the future but will eventually get the message if you're consistent.