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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You're a naughty girl!', said DP. AIBU?

183 replies

Rainatnight · 15/12/2017 10:19

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or not. DP and I are having a tricky time at the moment and I don't want to make a big deal out of it if I'm being unreasonable.

DD, 18 months, tried to draw on the newly decorated kitchen wall three times when I was out of the room this morning.

I came into the room to find DP picking her up and saying 'naughty girl!' to her.

I really don't agree with this. I don't think a child that young can be 'naughty', and I think labelling a really little child as naughty for normal toddler behaviour is really unhelpful.

But I'm quite soft and I over think this kind of thing more than DP. It could just be a figure of speech and not something that will scar DD for life!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
ilovekitkats · 15/12/2017 12:38

Flower the course was aimed at parents of 5 years and up so not aimed at toddlers no, but they said if you start it from an early age then it starts to sink in so if you are using it with older siblings then you treat the younger child the same way.

It damages a child's self esteem to repeatedly told that they are something bad. Have a look on Google. Some people have labelled this "Political Correctness gone mad". There is a lot in the press about not labelling children.

As for evidence, have a look on Google, there are a lot of articles on why you shouldn't label children so they don't become that label.

Each to their own though.

RoseWhiteTips · 15/12/2017 12:40

Rubbish! And everyone must know which po faced and daft declaration I am referencing.

RoseWhiteTips · 15/12/2017 12:42

mikeyssister

Biscuit

AH.

sound of a penny dropping

Flowerpot1234 · 15/12/2017 12:46

ilovekitkats
but they said if you start it from an early age then it starts to sink in so if you are using it with older siblings then you treat the younger child the same way.

Yep, tripe.

It damages a child's self esteem to repeatedly told that they are something bad.

There is no evidence on earth that says telling a toddler they are naughty when they are naughty, telling a teenage thief he's a thief, telling an abusive 10 year old bully they are a bully damages their self-esteem. None on earth.

Have a look on Google. Some people have labelled this "Political Correctness gone mad". There is a lot in the press about not labelling children.

There is a lot on google and in the press that is similarly full of tripe as in this training course you went on. None of it is valid. Psychological, psychiatric, social anthropology peer-reviewed research is a better source.

As for evidence, have a look on Google, there are a lot of articles on why you shouldn't label children so they don't become that label.

See above, that is most certainly not evidence.

Each to their own though.

Well, not really. I'm not having a go at you ilovekitkats but the course you went on. When training providers come out with rubbish like this, it is dangerous and tells parents to do things to be scared of things or avoid things which are good, and do things which result in unhealthy, disruptive children, then adults. If Children Centres are telling parents this, they should be investigated.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 15/12/2017 12:49

What utter nonsense...

Original poster
Rainatnight · 15/12/2017 12:50

Ok, this is very helpful and what AIBU is for! The majority clearly think I'm daft. And I got my first ever biscuit.

To be clear, I don't object to calling her out on her behaviour. We have very clear boundaries and I have no hesitation in saying, 'no', 'that's not allowed' etc and removing her from a situation if needs be.

It was calling her naughty rather than the behaviour that I minded. And I'm more like the likes of hermione and others in my beliefs around whether they can be purposefully naughty at that age.

My own parents' parenting style was to remind us that we were fairly shit and to continually work on our deficiencies so it's possible I'm a bit sensitive.

I still think I'll have a word and just get some clarification that I'd prefer 'that's naughty' etc.

And for the sake of clarity, I have no problem in calling DD a girl. She is one.

OP posts:
PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 15/12/2017 12:58

If he had taken his belt off to her you’d be within reason to be upset, but using a phrase you’d rather not is really just not worth getting upset about.

Topseyt · 15/12/2017 13:04

I don't get the issue. I would have done as he did, and taken the pencils/ crayons away from her.

He called a spade a spade. So do I. She was being a naughty girl here. That doesn't mean that she is always a naughty girl though.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 15/12/2017 13:06

I still think I'll have a word and just get some clarification that I'd prefer 'that's naughty' etc.

And what would he prefer? Or does he not get a say in how to parent his (assuming here as you haven't said she's not) child?

LeCroissant · 15/12/2017 13:10

It's lazy and pointless to call anyone names - if you're resorting to calling someone something as a way of getting them to change then you've lost, IMO.

How many people would be ok with their boss saying 'lazy woman!' or their partner saying 'annoying person!' - very few I'd imagine. It's insulting and it doesn't actually help anything. Now if the boss says 'please don't forget to send those emails, it's really important' or the partner says 'could you stop doing that, it's annoying me,' then it may sting but at least it's constructive.

I agree with you OP, calling children names isn't on. She's very little - when she'd done it once your DP should have removed her and distracted her to prevent her doing it again - she shouldn't have had a chance to do it three times ffs! He failed and then he blamed the child for it.

eddiemairswife · 15/12/2017 13:11

The only solution is to leave your husband!!!

mogonfoxnight · 15/12/2017 13:14

flower you say There is a lot on google and in the press that is similarly full of tripe as in this training course you went on. None of it is valid. Psychological, psychiatric, social anthropology peer-reviewed research is a better source but i am fairly sure that the advice that it is ok to label behaviour (depending on the circs) but not the person has come from psychologists, pretty much unanimously.

Psychiatrists then deal with the fall out.

I might be wrong.

Booboobooboo84 · 15/12/2017 13:18

I think what’s key is consistency. If you decide as parents that unacceptable behaviour is dealt with a certain way then that’s fine. It can be by saying don’t be a naughty girl, removing the object or saying that is naughty behaviour. None of them are incorrect because children actually thrive on consistency

user1487064897 · 15/12/2017 13:18

LeCroissant if I was being lazy at work and it was impacting on my performance and others. I'd expect to be told

Flowerpot1234 · 15/12/2017 13:18

mogonfoxnight

but i am fairly sure that the advice that it is ok to label behaviour (depending on the circs) but not the person has come from psychologists, pretty much unanimously.

Could you point to this unanimous psychological research then?

Eolian · 15/12/2017 13:21

You're a naughty girl (for doing this thing) doesn't necessarily mean you're a naughty girl all the time and for the rest of your childhood ffs, and I strongly doubt that an 18 month old will feel 'labelled'. If you looked at your toddler smiling and said "You're a happy girl!", would that mean they were happy all the time?

I have absolutely no idea whether my parents 'labelled' me or my actions naughty when I did something wrong as a child. I'm guessing the former, as this idea was presumably not actually a thing in the 1970s.

LeCroissant · 15/12/2017 13:27

'LeCroissant if I was being lazy at work and it was impacting on my performance and others. I'd expect to be told'

Yes, I would too. If you read what I wrote, I was talking about how you're told. Would you be ok with being told 'you're a lazy woman' by an employer?

Booboobooboo84 · 15/12/2017 13:27

I think labelling causing ongoing issues does have a basis especially when it comes to behaviours such as adhd add etc. A child that is un or misdiagnosed will have their behaviour labelled naughty and may spend a long time of their development being told they are naughty. This will have a profound effect. A NT child drawing on a wall one day, pushing a child over once or twice, throwing a tantrum maybe once a year and being told they are naughty at the time will have a massively different view of the world than a child whoses difficulties are expressed in this way daily andwho are therefore labelled daily.

LeCroissant · 15/12/2017 13:31

When is it ever helpful to be told 'you are an X person,' where X is a negative thing?

mogonfoxnight · 15/12/2017 13:33

flower I don't have time to seek it out (I am not being facetious) and I daren't say "google it" but I'd eat my christmas tree if you found sources the other way, to back up what you were saying.

Booboobooboo84 · 15/12/2017 13:34

When it means you can improve in some way @lecroissant

Booboobooboo84 · 15/12/2017 13:35

I do ballet and being told booboo your being lazy with your back leg helped me improve a pose. Being told that I am being too needy as a friend helped me improve myself as a friend. You can give someone negative feedback and still be loved and respected by them

ferntwist · 15/12/2017 13:36

YABU. Your husband was right to stop her and I don’t see anything wrong with saying she was naughty. Too many kids are growing up never taking responsibility. Too many snowflakes.

Namechanger2735 · 15/12/2017 13:38

YABU. When my 16 month old won't listen or is misbehaving I say "bad girl"..which is pointless really as she responds "good girl!".
But at 18 months they do understand the word no and if they don't listen that is them choosing to misbehave. No biggie, it's them testing their boundaries so they do need to know when it's not okay

Aki99 · 15/12/2017 13:44

I don't think your child is going to have emotional issues over this.