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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You're a naughty girl!', said DP. AIBU?

183 replies

Rainatnight · 15/12/2017 10:19

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive or not. DP and I are having a tricky time at the moment and I don't want to make a big deal out of it if I'm being unreasonable.

DD, 18 months, tried to draw on the newly decorated kitchen wall three times when I was out of the room this morning.

I came into the room to find DP picking her up and saying 'naughty girl!' to her.

I really don't agree with this. I don't think a child that young can be 'naughty', and I think labelling a really little child as naughty for normal toddler behaviour is really unhelpful.

But I'm quite soft and I over think this kind of thing more than DP. It could just be a figure of speech and not something that will scar DD for life!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
ZigZagandDustin · 15/12/2017 10:57

Kids aren't stupid. And they can handle being told they're naughty when they're...being naughty.

What they can't handle is not being loved unconditionally, and supported and encouraged sincerely.

You can love hugely and support and encourage fully a child without pussy footing around them. Pussy footing is tiny step away from not clearly communicating or giving boundaries.

Lizzie48 · 15/12/2017 10:58

You're right that you should say 'that was a naughty thing to do' rather than 'you're a naughty girl' as we don't want to label children, but an 18 month old is old enough to know that drawing on walls is naughty behaviour if she's been told not to do it before.

Spartasprout · 15/12/2017 10:58

I don't think I'd use caress when talking about touching a dog, what's wrong with stroke? (I know, it's irrelevant!)

TheRottweiler · 15/12/2017 10:59

When I first read this I honestly thought it was going to be one of those 'gender labelling' issues. Again.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2017 10:59

purpleflower23 me too. Aibu to think its weird when, in the bedroom, DP calls me..

NotAgainYoda · 15/12/2017 10:59

I agree jaime

Rosa · 15/12/2017 11:03

Oh for heavens sake.... OTT

SpacePenguin · 15/12/2017 11:03

No, I don't think YABU. Had the same conversation with my DH when eldest was little, and luckily he came on board with me after we discussed it and did some reading on parenting techniques that appealed. I don't think we have ever used the word naughty (or bold) with our kids in 9 years.

In the drawing on walls or other unsuitable places, we say that only paper is for drawing on and show them where it is/tell them to come to us for some. They tend to accept our explanations, even from a young age, and would rarely re-offend. If they did, I would make sure that colouring supplies are not used without supervision.

We also never threaten them with Santa's naughty list or all-seeing elves. Some people don't agree with this and see it as unnecessary mollycoddling, but it works for us. We've been asked more than once what our secret is (we always say, "oh it must be their personalities" unless pushed), so we must be getting something right.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2017 11:05

No I don't think she is too young to be told no. All this new fashion for saying a child isn't naughty is just ridiculous IMHO. As if a child of 18 months will understand the difference between doing a naughty thing and being a naughty girl. And she doesn't need an explanation at that age. I agree with Pavlovian training rather than all these explanations to tinies. It just goes over their heads. No when they draw on walls, yes when they draw on a piece of paper. It's not rocket science.

Branleuse · 15/12/2017 11:07

Leave the bastard. She will be traumatised for life by this and it probably means he will start beating you all soon

Mamam1a · 15/12/2017 11:08

OP, if your daughter’s dad calling her ‘naughty’ has upset you this much you are posting about it, my goodness! You have a looong and very bumpy, rough road ahead.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 15/12/2017 11:09

You can love hugely and support and encourage fully a child without pussy footing around them. Pussy footing is tiny step away from not clearly communicating or giving boundaries.

You see I don’t think that being careful about labelling is pussy footing around a child.

If I was to describe my ‘parenting method’ I know that most people would tell me I’m crazy and much much too soft. (Eg I don’t do punishment or threats or rewards...)
Except that in hindsight (I have two teens now) I might have been soft but still very clear in boundaries. Actually I’ve been told I’m very strict in that pov!!
On the other side, for a child to hear they are naughty on a regular basis (or that they are stupid etc) doesn’t encourage them to behave well (they already are naughty anyway....) nor does it teach them what they should do instead.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 15/12/2017 11:11

vivienne personally I chose to bring up a child that could think and understand the how and whys (explanations) rather than someone who just does think because that’s how it’s done (Pavlovian approach)....

Children can understand a hell of a lot more than most adults credit them for ime.

Itsallfuckery · 15/12/2017 11:12

🙄🙄

lurkingnotlurking · 15/12/2017 11:14

Labelling theory has been around since the 1960s. Modern it is not

curryforbreakfast · 15/12/2017 11:15

Kid is 18 months old, a baby. They neither understand or remember what you said to them yesterday.

This is one of those things you look back on when they are 20 and wonder wtf you were doing getting worked up about it for. It could not matter less.

LemonysSnicket · 15/12/2017 11:18

It’s not like he called her nasty or vindictive. It is a naughty thing to do, even if she doesn’t understand that yet, and so now as she grows she will know that it’s not okay to do that.

I think you’re being a bit wet tbh, I agree that shouting excessively or saying a child is ‘bad’ or ‘nasty’ etc is wrong ... but if she’s not old enough to know that she shouldn’t draw on a wall then she’s not old enough to understand the concept of the word naughty.

Flowerpot1234 · 15/12/2017 11:20
Shock
rcit · 15/12/2017 11:24

This is a non issue

Normal toddler behaviour does include naughty behaviour. Drawing on the wall is naughty behaviour. He told her this as she needs this to be communicated to her, probably repeatedly so she learns how people need to behave, just like all toddlers need to learn.

Firesuit · 15/12/2017 11:24

I wouldn't like this. Label the behaviour, not the child.

My child does lots of things I don't want her to, but I'd never call her naughty. I feel we simply disagree on whether those particular actions are carried out in reasonable pursuit of her own self-interest. Wink

Booboobooboo84 · 15/12/2017 11:25

@purpleflower23 I opened it purely because I thought it was going to be a ‘naughty’ Aibu 😂😂

paganmolloy · 15/12/2017 11:27

What would you have said to her OP?

paganmolloy · 15/12/2017 11:27

Oh and how did she react to being told she was naughty?

maddiemookins16mum · 15/12/2017 11:33

The future is looking very scary when parents cannot call their child 'naughty' anymore for fear of harming them for life.

Not that an 18 month old would really understand what was being said but it's still worrying that this might be the case when she's 4.

The world is going slowly mad.

Marcine · 15/12/2017 11:40

Wouldn't bother me, sounds like a pretty mild telling off. If no one tells her what is OK and what is naughty then she will never learn.