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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Oxcheeks · 15/12/2017 01:45

My Mum passed away this year, I'm doing my best to help my Dad with remembering birthday cards and presents, Christmas cards, presents etc my wonderful Mum sorted out all these things. Men can be rubbish at this, but I think they can lean 😳

Smitff · 15/12/2017 01:49

I am gobsmacked by this idle musing of yours OP.

I really hope your life continues to be gilded, because otherwise you have a very rude awakening ahead of you.

Efnisien · 15/12/2017 02:05

Would you prefer him to blindly buy something his grandchildren won't enjoy or use?Cut him some slack

SpareASquare · 15/12/2017 02:18

Such an awful post.

Selfish and oh, so horrible. No other words

User02 · 15/12/2017 02:28

I have DGC. I am capable of shopping on my own but I always consult with the DCs as to what to buy for the DGC. I am sometimes with DCs and buy things or other times I have already been told what to buy.
I want the DGC to have the clothes they want for certain age of child and the toys for the wee ones. Now that a lot of computer games items are wanted I want to make sure it is the right product.
I have also been a carer and it is awful trying to do that little bit extra in the day. Sometimes family carers barely get time to draw breath and struggle to get comfort breaks and food so help out the poor old soul and buy appropriate for your own children.
An excellent present for FIL this year would be if you stayed at home with MIL and gave him a few hours to do as he pleases. He might just want to go upstairs and sleep for a few hours.
Be pleasant FGS

zoomer445 · 15/12/2017 02:34

To be honest he won't have a clue which toys kids are in these days or what they may already have.

For birthdays and Christmas I've always been given money from my siblings or parents to get their presents for my kids. I prefer it. They wouldn't have a clue where to start.

Gaudeamus · 15/12/2017 02:38

You're probably approaching the stage as a family where the older generation contribute more through their presence in your lives than through their actions, so it might be worthwhile trying to let go of expectations and instead looking for ways in which you can accompany him through and bring solace to his grief.

DivisionBelle · 15/12/2017 02:48

‘Go along with it’ ‘it’s a bit sad’ .... how patronising and self absorbed you sound.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2017 02:57

I have been doing this for years for both sets of grandparents. If I didn’t dd would get sweet fa from them both. She did one year actually from my fil, which is why I started doing it for him. As for my mother, she said she wanted to do it then ended up not managing to do so. Something to do with being a full time carer for her husband and not having the time or energy to shop. Caring involved far more than arse wiping. You sound clueless.

I cannot believe your husband is upset about this. You’re both completely self absorbed. Biscuit

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2017 02:58

I forgot to say WIFEWORK. Confused. DFOD

Twoo · 15/12/2017 03:01

Mitigating circumstances. Help fil, help with love rather than resentment too.

lunar1 · 15/12/2017 03:22

How gracious of you to go along with this for this year. We all know that Alzheimer's gets easier year after year...oh wait!

itshappening · 15/12/2017 03:29

Your perspective is very self absorbed OP. It isn't 'sad that he doesn't want to' pick out something for his grandchildren. He probably has little idea what they would like, or even if he does, no time or mental/physical energy for coping with the extra task right now. He still was caring enough to ask that you get them something they would like, that shows love for them. In the context of what he is facing right now, you and your DH not wanting to sort the present yourself is not a flicker on the distant horizon of a problem. Also, you are missing the point when you say you could afford another present so him paying for it makes no difference. It may make no difference to you, but you are doing this for him, and MIL, not yourself, he wants to give them a gift.

You really need to think about the magnitude of what your FIL is dealing with and ask yourself how you managed to get this all so wrong.

Don't just take away from this thread not to 'mention it' (cannot believe you even considered harassing the poor man about it). Take away from it that you and your DH urgently need to recalibrate your whole attitudes. I hope your DH secretly at least is appalled by you reaction.

SD1978 · 15/12/2017 03:38

He still wants the kids to get a present from them, and one they will enjoy. He’s never done it. Wouldn’t probably even know where to start. He’s old, with a wife with Alzheimer’s. Going round toy ships for multiple grandkids probably is t a high priority. I think you’re being a bit unreasonable in your expectation, and would be rude to bring it up.

DivisionBelle · 15/12/2017 03:48

Be grateful and gracious, and develop some empathy.

Megs4x3 · 15/12/2017 04:18

You're going along with it 'for this year anyway'???? Do you think that his situation is going to get any better? My friend has just died and I've had her 80+ year old husband on the phone, crying because he has never bought or sent christmas cards before and feels overwhelmed by the task. In the course of the conversation he was saying how glad he was that she did not have alzheimers, that he couldn't have coped with losing her that way. My father has just died too, and he did have alzheimers. We were so lucky that he just faded away gradually, and didn't get aggressive as some do (your FIL has that possibility to look forward to) but it still was awful to watch. It was about 9 years after his diagnosis but we were told to expect less. Your FIL will be lucky if he gets another 6 or 7 with his wife and it will probably be unbelievably difficult for them both. The agony in my father's face as he realised that he was forgetting the people he loved most was heartbreaking. I remember him asking about his best friend and him relieving the grief of his death over and over again - until he didn't recognise the photo on his shelf any more. You have no idea what your poor FIL is going through and you sound truly, truly self absorbed and heartless. Perhaps it's a kindness to describe it as ignorance, but I'm not sure you deserve it. One of the things I found when I cleared out my father's belongings was his organiser. He stopped giving presents or sending cards of any kind a few years ago but he had always given money for presents and he had listed, each year, how much he had given and to whom from the time of his diagnosis to when he forgot. Not once did anyone in the family ask him about it or resent him for it, and I wept when I found it. It demonstrated how hard he tried to remember things. Your poor MIL has that coming to her and your poor FIL will have to watch it on a daily basis. Did you and your husband have your empathy surgically removed? Because is certainly sounds like it. You say that there are other grandchildren so I hope to goodness that their parents are more helpful and understanding.

shakingmyhead1 · 15/12/2017 04:33

DUDE!!!!! you should be going up and offering to help, not bitching cause he doesnt have time, doesnt know how to, what to get, any other reason etc etc..
you like it or not are family and at times like this families are meant to pull together and help each other!
he is facing a long drawn out process of watching his soul mate (?) slowly disappear and become a total stranger and with it his happy memories of their life together, he is facing being alone after all this time and as it appears facing it alone as those who he should be able to rely on seem a little bit self absorbed! his whole life is crumbling so pull your head out ya ass and be a good daughter in law and HELP HIM!

Reppin · 15/12/2017 04:37

You are being really petty and unsupportive. I get it that it is the thought behind it that really matters, maybe ask him to write a really personal message on the tag which you can keep for your kids baby boxes or something. He loves your kids and wants to let them know he cares along with his wife, their grandmother. Don't say this in real life, you will sound like a selfish twat.

shakingmyhead1 · 15/12/2017 04:44

in my home town a older couple moved into the house next door, they had moved to our town to finely have their dream home in a town they used to take their children for holidays, a place filled with happy memories for them both, and a place for their children and grand children to come and holiday and build memories of their own...
nice enough people... loved to garden and look at the harbor views, nice relaxed life that they had planned on
One day he came out and chatted to me, he said he thinks something is wrong with his wife, shes been putting empty pots on the stove and turning it on and walking away and forgetting about it, he said one day the house will fill of smoke and she was just sitting in the chair reading, he said he felt he couldn't take his eyes off her as he didnt know what she would do next, he took her to a doctor and yes they decided it was alzheimers... he came out to tell me and just watching him crumble and break down was heart breaking, all their dreams were gone, crushed in that last doctors visit, watching a man in his 70's cry isnt fun!, his sons came down to get the house put on the market and take them both to a assisted living place back in their old town... all their dreams and plans taken away from them just like that!
Heart breaking!

SenecaFalls · 15/12/2017 04:54

Like some others on this thread, I have been the primary caregiver for a family member with dementia.

Educate yourself, OP.

Chrisinthemorning · 15/12/2017 05:00

I’d do it. TBH I bought DS mainnpresents from both my parents and MIL, then gave to them to wrap and they gave me the money.
Reasons were that I found Bargains DS will love and neither had any ideas. I’m sure they will get books and little bits also.
Poor man, he probably thinks he’s being nice.

Nanna50 · 15/12/2017 05:25

Wow the man had to ask? I hope your DH is asking him what other help he needs in addition to buying Christmas presents, I hope you are showing your DH more empathy and respect than you are showing your FIL ffs Sad

MrsMozart · 15/12/2017 05:26

Give him a break!

NobbyNobberson · 15/12/2017 05:32

Your dh and you are well met. That a man could see his mother descend into Alzheimers, watch his father deal with it (and presumably deal with his own aging issues and fears too) and that his reaction is "how sad he won't pick out a present for my toddler" is gob-smackingly awful. I don't really care if I am piling in on this OP (who doesn't get the message at all judging from her last posts) - this is one of the most shockingly selfish, unkind, unloving, unemphatic, and "my precious children" posts I have read on here. It's like a parody of the selfish teenager.

This

Reallycantbebothered · 15/12/2017 05:34

What support are you and your dh giving to your FIL? I doubt it even registers that it it Christmas with all the turmoil that 8s going on in his life....you do know that Alzheimer's is incurable OP....this is not going to go away or get better...his wife is dying
...so time for you to pull your big girl pants up and help your FIL and for ffs show some empathy...this is so much more than the inconvenience of buying some presents for your dcs, who frankly at this age won't give a fig what they got from whom....hth