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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL transferring 'wife work' to us

341 replies

burntwine · 14/12/2017 22:27

MIL has always been the one to handle buying presents for the grandchildren. Probably quite a typical situation as present buying often falls to the wife in my experience, though not in my own relationship. A few years ago, however, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and it's now got to the stage where she can no longer do this. Obviously the situation has been terribly difficult for the whole family and FIL in particular.

Instead of taking over present-buying duties himself, FIL has told us to buy Christmas presents for our 2 children and he'll pay us back and those will be the presents from their grandparents.

I'm unsure of whether this is reasonable behaviour or not. On the one hand it is a truly horrible situation and FIL has an lot on his plate and has been increasingly stressed. And they have a lot of grandchildren, not just our 2. On the other hand it's not really a present from them at all if we choose it and deal with the logistics of buying it. We could easily afford to buy our children an extra present each if we wanted so him paying for it doesn't make a lot of difference in my opinion. Children are too young to want to receive a simple cash gift (baby and 2 year old).

We're going along with it for this year anyway and went along with it when he did the same thing for a present 'from them' to our newborn earlier this year. But a part of me is a bit sad he doesn't want to buy something himself for his grandchildren.

What do you think?

OP posts:
greendale17 · 15/12/2017 00:08

YABU- I really don’t see what the problem is here

RoseWhiteTips · 15/12/2017 00:08

MyBrilliantDisguise

I think he's an elderly man with a hell of a lot on his place. His marriage, as he knew it, has ended. His wife has a terrible illness. I don't think he wants to even think about buying Christmas presents and I think you're being really unrealistic and actually unkind to expect him to do it.

Well said.

Imsorrynow · 15/12/2017 00:12

It’s called being kind.

GetOutOfThatGarden · 15/12/2017 00:13

You ought to be ashamed of yourself OP. That poor man. Why do I get the feeling that you and your husband probably made your feelings about this known to FIL.

Stefoscope · 15/12/2017 00:15

My maternal grandfather died when I was 4, he suffered Alzheimers for many years. My earliest memory was being in his house with my him, my mum, my grandma and great uncle. My great uncle was in the habit of pulling faces to try to get a reaction from the kids. On this occasion he popped his false teeth out at me and I started bawling my eyes out from fear. My Grandad who was completely unable to speak by this point scooped me up, sat me on his knee and started teaching me to clap various rhythms. I remember feeling so happy that he realised I was sad when noone else had noticed and I grew up with that really positive memory of him.

I didn't know how ill with Alzheimers he was or that he was a semi professional drummer until my early teens, by which point I was really into playing and writing music. I couldn't tell you any of the presents I got as a child from before the age of 10, but that particular memory has always stayed with me and I feel influenced my love of music. I'm only sorry I never got to have a conversation with him and am thankful I got to meet him, albeit briefly.

GColdtimer · 15/12/2017 00:17

My FIL has done this every year since MIL died. He does wrap them (because I take them up to him). Birthdays they get a card with £20. It doesn't bother me at all.

NoqontroI · 15/12/2017 00:19

Yes yabvu.

JaceLancs · 15/12/2017 00:21

I have elderly parents one with dementia other physically frail
I buy presents for my DC and myself to their budget, wrap them etc - I just tell them what I’ve bought they are happy and quite frankly don’t need the hassle
The only thing that mattered to my darling Dad who is 92 today! Was that I got my Mum a Christmas card from him to tell her how much he loves her - I did with great happiness - when he gets even frailer I may have to help him sign it

whywontteenswearcoats · 15/12/2017 00:21

My own lovely mum died 3 years ago. She used to do all the present buying, my dad would have 1 present to buy- hers. But every year he'd ask me to buy her something, I'd then ask mum what she wanted, buy it, wrap it, pass it to him, he'd give her it on Christmas morning mum would act surprised- job done! Now do samewith the dc's. it's probably not the best situation but everyone's happy

Fishface77 · 15/12/2017 00:33

I don't understand what kind of people you are.
Surely you should be asking him if you can help with other Christmas shopping or traditions that his wife did that might "soften the blow".
I'm circumstances such as this, why wouldn't you just do anything you could to lighten the load??
I'm truly bewildered and saddened by your and your DH attitude.
I hope your fil has other family around him to help.

blackdoggotmytongue · 15/12/2017 00:39

my mum and dad (no alzheimers, perfectly healthy) have done this every year for the last 15 years for our three children. Birthdays too. We get a telephone call which says 'oh we put the money in dh's account'. righty ho then.

i'd love them to do the shopping for themselves, as it's been fifteen years of fag, having to figure out presents from other people as well as ourselves. The ILs are marginally better in that they do the shopping themselves, but we have to supply lists of what the dcs want. SO we actually have to figure out what we are getting the three dcs, what we are getting for the dcs from one set of grandparents, and what to tell the other set of grandparents to buy for the dcs.

Bah fucking humbug.

In your situation? I genuinely have no clue why you can't cut him a bit of slack. He's having a fucker of a year.

Whizziwig · 15/12/2017 00:41

Glad you agreed this was unreasonable of you, OP.

I'm surprised this was even an issue. I don't think buying presents for your children is "wife work". Sometimes for Christmas or birthdays, relatives (without any health issues!) will give us the money to choose something for the children. They live far away and don't see them often so don't keep up with their interests. They want to be able to provide them with something that gives them pleasure, but don't know what that would be so they provide the money and we select what they would like. This just makes it easier for everyone and the money hasn't been wasted on something the children wouldn't be interested in.

SilverySurfer · 15/12/2017 00:41

Of course YABU. Your poor FIL is going through a nightmare situation and all you can think about is how unreasonable he is not to go out and buy his own Christmas presents for your children? You should be ashamed of yourself as should your DH. You both sound unfeeling and totally lacking in empathy. Very unpleasant.

2017SoFarSoGood · 15/12/2017 00:46

When my MIL became too confused the gifts stopped completely. I would have been delighted if FIL had asked me to take over buying..

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 15/12/2017 00:48

I've reported this thread. Something's not right about it.

It's either a nasty, made up attempt at causing pain for people actually in a rl similar situation, or it's real. Either way, it's appalling and despairing, frankly.

And either way, I daresay I can live with myself for reporting it.

accendo · 15/12/2017 00:48

Wow, this is a really selfish post. He is going through a nightmarish time and asked you to do a small thing to help lighten his load. The thought of him having to wander around the shops at a time where he is losing his wife while doing something that she probably loved and looked forward to doing every year is really sad. That poor man.

lalliella · 15/12/2017 00:52

Have a heart OP. YABVVVU. The poor man is dealing with the worst thing possible to happen to his wife and all you care about is your DC’s presents? Have you forgotten what Christmas is all about?

InionEile · 15/12/2017 00:55

If he asked you to buy all the Christmas presents for the family, including your siblings-in-law and their children and send all their Christmas cards to their usual list then, yes, that would be unfair and he would be transferring wife work to you. As it is, it's just your own children and it saves him a headache, so why not help him out? My family never buy my DC anything, they just send cash or gift vouchers.

SugarRush123 · 15/12/2017 01:03

Wow. Speechless. Who even expects presents from grandparents or other adults besides parents??? Of course it’s nice if GPS, uncles, aunts and close friends give presents because they WANT to but surely it’s a bonus rather than an obligation???

My Dad passed away a few years ago. Until then Mum generally organised grandchildren’s presents but since my Dad, her partner of 40+ years, suddenly passed away she unsurprisingly finds it hard to cope with every day life, never mind Christmas presents! She usually asks us if our DCs would be happy with money or if we’d like to buy them something on her behalf.

Guess what? Ever since they were about 6 years old the DCs have LOVED monetary gifts. As parents, it’s our place to fulfil the “Santa” magic. If available, grandparents are great for encouraging independence.

pasturesgreen · 15/12/2017 01:08

So you - and apparently your DH - expect a man who's caring for his very ill wife, in a situation that's both heartbreaking and highly stressful, to actually be bothered about buying Christmas presents for his baby and toddler grandchildren?Xmas Confused Wow. Just wow. I hope you are ashamed of yourself, OP.

spiney · 15/12/2017 01:15

Yes YOU ARE TOTALLY BU.*
*
We're going along with it for this year anyway

How big of you.

spiney · 15/12/2017 01:16

Can't believe I read that post

RosyWelshcakes · 15/12/2017 01:36

I'm dismayed that you even had to ask.

You need to grow a heart.

Pannacott · 15/12/2017 01:37

I imagine choosing thoughtful presents for his grandchildren is fairly low down on his list of mental priorities atm Confused

Sorry you feel overlooked Xmas Biscuit

choli · 15/12/2017 01:42

Are you afraid that if you "go along with this" that your FIL will ask for other "wife work" like helping look after your MIL? So you want to nip it in the bud before he expects you and your DH to help out more?

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