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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to buy a gift when the invite says "No presents"?

133 replies

ElenaBothari · 14/12/2017 12:40

I've been invited to a birthday party for a 3 year old that says "No presents" on the invite.

I know they live in a small flat, so worry about storage space and clutter. I thought I could take the kind of gift that gets up, like paint or craft supplies.

Just feels so rude to turn up with nothing, but then maybe it's ruder to ignore their wishes....

OP posts:
leftmyheartintokyo · 15/12/2017 16:22

Might not be a space saving thing.

Perhaps with it being so close to Christmas they appreciate some people are financially stretched and don't want to add to it.

Just bring a card!

Aridane · 15/12/2017 16:33

No presents = no presents. It is not an underhand request for cash, surely. Just respect the parents' wishes! How is it so difficult to understand?

TheNoseyProject · 15/12/2017 16:43

I doubt they’re hinting for cash. Most people who buy a kid a birthday pressie spent £5 on a small generic pressie. Do you really want 10 or more of those? Dd went to a join party recently and took a present. There were 59 kids there. So probably almost £300 quid of generic small presents 2 weeks before Christmas! I’d be wishing I’d written ‘no presents’ in that scenario!

SingaSong12 · 15/12/2017 16:49

OP I have ASD and would probably ignore the general "rule" about about giving birthday presents and instead following a particular request from parent and just take a card, no money or voucher.

noenergy · 15/12/2017 17:03

Haven't rtft but to me No Presents means money please and I find that quite rude.

You have to put a voucher or money in a card, you can't not give anything.

For those saying don't take anything, I couldn't go to a party without giving something

danTDM · 15/12/2017 17:11

No presents does not mean 'money please' to most normal, decent people. It means absolutely nothing of the sort.

This thread is ridiculous.
The parents have requested no presents and it seems to have really thrown some people. Hmm

No presents FFS

BiglyBadgers · 15/12/2017 17:13

Haven't rtft but to me No Presents means money please and I find that quite rude.

No presents means no presents. It's not complicated.

What is it you expect people to say if they don't want presents?

FoofFighter · 15/12/2017 17:25

I put this on dd invites this year and everyone ignored it, which pissed me off a bit tbh. If it says no gifts then it means no gifts.

PrincePooPoo · 15/12/2017 17:25

In my case "no presents" also means I'm a humourless feminist who didn't want my kids getting loads of gendered crap because they happened to have a vagina or penis and I'd end up giving it away and upsetting my kids anyway. Whatever the reason, my kid, my house. They get presents that I think are appropriate and are what they have asked for based on their interests.

FoofFighter · 15/12/2017 17:27

I wasn't angling for money either, how ridiculous Hmm

Dd has far too many things and does t need more.

Diamondjoan · 15/12/2017 17:47

I would take them at their word. When I write no gifts on an invitation I really really really mean no gift. There are always some who make it awkward and weird for the host and everybody else by arriving and handing over gifts.

Cornettoninja · 15/12/2017 17:59

I'm so certain this is a Christmas thing.

Not had it yet but dd's birthday is the beginning of December and even though we're only on our second birthday with her it's a pain in the arse. This year we waited to buy her xmas stuff because we didn't want to duplicate her birthday presents (which are still coming in dribs and drabs which I also apparently hate - I'd quite like a it to be clearly distinguished when her birthday is and when Christmas is Confused)

Anyway, I'd say no presents means no presents and it's not rude in the slightest.

bananafish81 · 15/12/2017 18:00

@noenergy so what should someone write on an invite who doesn't want presents, if you find 'no presents' to be a secret code asking for money and quite rude?Hmm

tampinfuminragin · 15/12/2017 18:04

Voucher or cash if you must take something.

BonnieF · 15/12/2017 18:12

I can't believe how rude, ignorant and disrespectful some people are!

'No presents' means 'no presents'.

What part of those two simple words do some people not understand?

Original poster
ElenaBothari · 15/12/2017 18:25

Interesting that I'm not the only one who struggles with this!

Actually bumped into the mum today so asked her if there was anything I could bring, and she said not as the venue does all the catering, and I said I felt a bit odd about coming without a gift and was there anything at all they'd like, or a charity they'd like me to donate to or anything.

She said they've specified no presents because they don't have space/think their children have too many toys already, and they really really don't want anything. She was quite emphatic about it! She did say they support a particular charity so I will make a donation and just write a note in the card that I've done so.

So, I'm not buying a gift, of any sort at all. Thanks all for your thoughts on this.

OP posts:
TalkinBoutWhat · 15/12/2017 18:30

Sorry, but my DC cottoned on pretty quickly to the idea of giving a present when you go to a party, and whether I liked it or not they knew exactly who gave them what present. The value was irrelevant, but they associates the gift with a friend.

I would have had very upset children who would not have wanted to give presents when they went to one of those children's party in turn.

Isn't it just part of what we teach children? Part of societal norms?

Choose 'no presents' for yourself, by all means, but doing it in behalf of a child is pretty shitty.

BiglyBadgers · 15/12/2017 18:37

Since when did gifts become for the giver rather than the person recieving them? A gift is only a gift if the person you are giving it to wants it, otherwise it is just a thing you are foisting on them to make yourself feel good.

talking I would take it as an opportunity to teach my children that friendship is not just about things, it is about being there for someone and sharing a special day with a person is a gift in itself.

jedenfalls · 15/12/2017 18:50

Im mildly shocked that people seem to think no presents I'd a code for Give Me Cash.

We had a 'no presents please wedding' as we had moved to,the other end of the U.K. to most of our families and were having the wedding near where we lived. We felt it cheeky enough to ask them to travel, take time off , stay in hotels, so to us a gift as well just seemed grabby. (Also were in work accommodation, so had sod all room for 'stuff' )

We emphatically don't want cash. We wanted to share our day with the people we loved.

I also asked for nothing for my recent big birthday. And meant it.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 15/12/2017 18:54

I am more than mildly shocked that anyone thinks "no presents" is code for "give cash".

NO it isn't. If I put "no presents" on an invite I mean "NO PRESENTS" and NOT "give me cash" ffs!

Are some of you really that nasty and suspicious?

I put "no presents" on our wedding invite as we didn't need anything. Some people ignored it and bought a gift (we thanked them) some asked if we'd like cash instead and we said "no". Family donated to a charity we both support instead.

Yura · 15/12/2017 20:06

i put "no presents, please" on my children's invites. i don't do a party to get stuff, i do it because my child likes it. and i don't want people to spend money on stuff that will go directly to the charity shop ( toys with flashing lights or off- tubd soubds trigger my husband's migraine, both kids have eczema so most clothing and quite some craft stuff is off limits as well, and we hsve loads of books, so we ususlly get duplicates). We also live in a tiny terrace. I already have 2 bags full of unusable christmas presents here to bring to the charity shop, and its not even christmas yet! I just don't want presents!

Yura · 15/12/2017 20:09

oh, alternatively i would have to specify a pretty narroe list of what my kids can have - now that is rude! so, no gifts it is.

LoniceraJaponica · 15/12/2017 20:09

"I am more than mildly shocked that anyone thinks "no presents" is code for "give cash"."

Same here. Why can't anyone take something like this at face value any more? The last class party DD had was when she was 6. She got so much tat as presents that I ended up donating loads of stuff to the church Christmas fair.

Yura · 15/12/2017 20:15

And no, we definitely don't want cash or vouchers (that tend to end up unused in the bin when expired). how incredibly rude to assume we want money!

GoldfinchesInTheGarden · 15/12/2017 20:34

I had a 'no presents' birthday party, then when I heard people really wanted to bring something I chose a charity and told them. It was the best feeling ever when I opened all my birthday cards and read all the messages from people saying they had donated.