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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to buy a gift when the invite says "No presents"?

133 replies

ElenaBothari · 14/12/2017 12:40

I've been invited to a birthday party for a 3 year old that says "No presents" on the invite.

I know they live in a small flat, so worry about storage space and clutter. I thought I could take the kind of gift that gets up, like paint or craft supplies.

Just feels so rude to turn up with nothing, but then maybe it's ruder to ignore their wishes....

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 15/12/2017 07:24

I always sort of forget that my dc will get presents - which is odd, because I'd never send mine to a party without one, but I just don't expect them/they're not on my radar. My older two are at an age where it wouldn't be fair to specify no presents on their behalf, but if I had thought of it when they were younger I might have put something like 'please, no need to bring a present, but if you would like to donate to X charity instead it would be very appreciated'. I'd never have just put 'no presents', though. Rude.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/12/2017 08:35

No presents on a child's invite usually means we don't trust you to buy the right gift so we actually want cash.

I'd take a bit of chocolate and a colouring book. A small child deserves birthday gifts.

Motoko · 15/12/2017 08:36

I give up.

strugglingtodomybest · 15/12/2017 08:42

Really? What is hard here? The invite says no present, therefore you take no present. Really not difficult.

Avebury · 15/12/2017 08:48

What about a helium balloon?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 15/12/2017 08:51

Elena you're overthinking this and I understand why you feel awkward, but "No presents" simply means "DO NOT BRING PRESENTS TO THE PARTY". No further thought required. The hosts have obviously got their reasons and if people start ignoring the request it's going to be very awkward. Just don't do it.

To those people suggesting putting cash or a voucher, no matter how small, in a card, these are still presents and are going against the wishes of the hosts. Just NO! If I was hosting a party and had specifically put "no presents" on the invite I'd be cross if people didn't respect my wishes. If I wanted cach or vouchers I'd suggest those, but the hosts haven't.

MissClimpsonsTypingBureau · 15/12/2017 08:52

Out of interest, do people think "no presents" on a wedding invitation also means no presents? We've had a spate of those and turned up to the first one without a present and felt REALLY awkward as everyone else had brought presents...

RitaMills · 15/12/2017 08:59

I couldn’t show up to a child’s party with nothing, I’d take a little box of sweets or a voucher for a soft play I know they visit. Weddings are the same, I’d never show up empty handed.

Motoko · 15/12/2017 12:23

Wow, so many people here being totally disrespectful, who think they know better than the hosts.

rainbowduck · 15/12/2017 12:26

I would respect the request. Take a bottle of wine for the parents, if you must xxx

PrincePooPoo · 15/12/2017 12:28

Out of interest, do people think "no presents" on a wedding invitation also means no presents? We've had a spate of those and turned up to the first one without a present and felt REALLY awkward as everyone else had brought presents...

I think no presents means no presents. I appreciate some people just feel obliged to buy something for an event but I doubt those people would judge someone for doing exactly as they were all asked to.

Andijustknew · 15/12/2017 12:31

It's probably to do with it being so close to Christmas.

strugglingtodomybest · 15/12/2017 12:48

Out of interest, do people think "no presents" on a wedding invitation also means no presents? We've had a spate of those and turned up to the first one without a present and felt REALLY awkward as everyone else had brought presents...

It means no presents. It couldn't be any clearer.

RoganJosh · 15/12/2017 12:58

I think in both cases it’s hoping for cash.

SmokyRobinson · 15/12/2017 12:59

We had a ‘no gifts’ wedding - we were not angling for cash/vouchers, we were just happy to celebrate with close group of friends/family without the need for them to bring anything.

We were absolutley fine with people not bringing anything along as that is exactly what we had asked . Equally, we were not insulted or felt treated disrepectfully when some did bring a gift. It was just not a big deal and if they felt better for bringing someting, than that was fine too.

I would always take a no-gift request at face value and not bring anything, just contribute to a nice party.

laudanum · 15/12/2017 13:04

For fuck's sake - just comply with their request. It's not rocket science. 🙄

fannyanddick · 15/12/2017 14:02

Personally I would do the gift voucher but then I've never had this. Clearly my group are all far to grabby (me included Wink)

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 15/12/2017 14:06

If it helps op I’m not on the spectrum (as far as I know) and I would struggle not to give a gift of some form (cash, gift card). If you know the mum well enough then give her a call and just explain that you don’t want to ignore giving a gift but also don’t want to go against her wishes.
Do you think the parents could have specified this as they don’t want to get into the habit of having to return the favour to 30 odd kids? As I would think that would probably be more of the reason to request no gifts

PrincePooPoo · 15/12/2017 14:16

I think (hope) that as parties have become bigger and bigger (whole class and more) that people will start asking for no presents.

It's disgusting to think that some children will receive 30 gifts from friends, most to be tossed away after about 5 seconds use.

Do parents really want their kids to get that many toys? I fucking hate tripping over the shit and that's before you consider the environment or how spoiled they are becoming. Not only that but it means people feel they owe a ticket to a party. I want my children's friends to ALL come to her party..not just those who feel they can afford a gift. I would hate if they felt obliged to stay home or felt bad they came and didn't bring something.

EspressoPatronum · 15/12/2017 14:32

We asked for no presents for ds's first birthday party. He didn't know it was his birthday and we haven't a lot of spare can for reciprocating at his little friends birthdays...

Most people brought presents, which was very kind of them but left me feeling awkward and a bit embarrassed.

And no it wasn't because we wanted cash ffs! Fucking rude assumption!

TalkinBoutWhat · 15/12/2017 14:41

The poor 3 year old, with no presents. I think sometimes adults focus so much on trying to keep clutter down that they forget that children love opening presents.

I'd at least buy a small sticker book, some bubble lotion or something like that so that they have a present to open, alongside the voucher. Doesn't have to cost much.

bananafish81 · 15/12/2017 15:43

Out of interest, do people think "no presents" on a wedding invitation also means no presents? We've had a spate of those and turned up to the first one without a present and felt REALLY awkward as everyone else had brought presents...

We asked for no presents at our wedding

We said all we wanted was the pleasure of people's company, but if they did feel that they wished to give then we suggested two charities that were close to our heart, in memory of my late mother

Most people respected this. Some people still brought presents.

Including vouchers. Which yes, are presents

We felt so so awkward that people had spent their hard earned money not only to come to our wedding (London wedding but lots of friends travelled up from Brighton, some stayed overnight) but then bought us presents. We ended up with stuff we didn't want, and though the vouchers were lovely, we felt guilty that people had still felt the need to bring a gift even though we'd requested not to

We really didn't want anything - presents, vouchers and certainly not cash. We just wanted to celebrate with our family and friends.

BiglyBadgers · 15/12/2017 15:57

I have been trying to pursuade people not to by me birthday presents for years. There seem to be a few people who just can't get their heads round the idea. If I say I don't what a present it is because I don't want a present. I am not being cryptic or secretly wanting to have presents while actually saying I don't. It is not that I somehow don't understand that asking people to not buy me presents means I will, shock horror, not get presents from these people.

I ask people not to buy me a present because I do not want them to buy me a present. Why is this so hard for people to understand!

I actually think it is incredibly rude to ignore someone's wishes in this respect. It suggests you don't think someone is capable of making their own decisions and that you know better. I would never ignore an unambiguous request in this way even if it was a request I wouldn't make myself. I am capable of realising that people are different and want different things to me and not foisting my own desires onto them.

kaytee87 · 15/12/2017 15:58

The poor 3 year old, with no presents

He will probably get tonnes from his family.

BiglyBadgers · 15/12/2017 16:01

The poor 3 year old, with no presents.

This is a party invite. There is nothing to suggest he isn't getting lots of presents from his parents and close family. They just don't want everyone who comes to the party to get him something. There may be lots of reasons for this. Maybe they don't have the space for all the stuff, or maybe they have some friends who they know are struggling financially and they don't want them to feel they have to spend money on unnecessary presents.