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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Let’s only buy for the children” Yet DH & I are the only ones childfree!

451 replies

PinkJeggings · 13/12/2017 14:56

Four couples: three with DC and us without. All either my siblings or DH’s siblings.

The longstanding agreement is to only buy for the children. So DH and I have to buy presents for five children. And we get nothing back in return!

AIBU to have a little moan?

OP posts:
wishingitwasfriday · 13/12/2017 22:03

My sister doesn't have children but buys for mine. I buy her a gift to say thank you, as I think this is only fair.

BlackberryandNettle · 13/12/2017 22:36

Wow people are being a bit harsh on the op. I do think it's a bit inconsiderate of the other adults - presumably they got siblings presents up until they had kids? I would have thought they'd get you something. Even as an adult with kids, it's nice to get some chocolate or something for myself. Is that stingy? Surely everyone likes getting presents.

Akire · 13/12/2017 22:40

I had something similar let’s buy for just kids then all couple buy for each other so as single childless person you get zero! I would expect small token family gift back

AnUtterIdiot · 13/12/2017 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 13/12/2017 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user21 · 13/12/2017 23:15

That’s no different than if one couple have 1 child and another 4 though is it?

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/12/2017 00:04

I quite like the idea that a family I know do. List of everybody's names, adults and children...everybody gets allocated one name, everybody has the same budget, everybody gets a gift. Sort of Secret Santa but not secret. Then what individuals choose to do over and above that with their own families is up to them. Nobody misses out or is left out.

vwlphb · 14/12/2017 01:33
mirialis · 14/12/2017 09:04

vwlphb - They are not thinking I'll only buy a present for your children once I have a child of my own, they are thinking I'm not going to buy presents for your children when YOU have decided to bring in this rule and tell me you will no longer be buying presents for me but still expect me to be buy presents for your children. You might feel the world revolves around your children but not everyone does, and that includes the children's aunts and uncles.

Don't know about the OP, but given the amount of babysitting and days out I do with my DNs that cost me time and money without any "payback" whatsoever I think the parents would have to be pretty self-absorbed and stupid to think that my stance on this means I'm not interested in my DNs.

K0729P · 14/12/2017 10:43

My siblings and I have this arrangement - I've no children, so I buy for all 4 of the kids and they buy me a present back.

If you haven't received anything then, I would buy them a little token gift and not go daft on them. It's not their fault their parents are too lazy to buy a present for their brother/sister.

RafikiIsTheBest · 14/12/2017 10:49

We have no kids (yet) but all our siblings do. One side we buy for kids and adults usually do secret Santa, and other side I'm trying to push for kids only as I just end up with yet another cup with auntie on that I feel bad for throwing away or a box of chocolate when I'm trying to lose weight.
I honestly have no issue buying for the kids and not getting anything in return (well a hug and thank you from the kids would be nice).

NataliaOsipova · 14/12/2017 10:59

Selection boxes are the answer. They're 2 for £3 in most supermarkets, so you can cover all five kids for under a tenner. The kids themselves will be fine with this!

This is the answer, surely? Everyone's a winner....

Jaxhog · 14/12/2017 10:59

YANBU. Perfectly reasonable to 'have a little moan' . Christmas is about remembering everyone regardless of age. So many parents accept pressies for their children with neither a thank you or thought in return. If you can't be arsed (or can't afford) a present in return, at least ask your children to make a nice Christmas or Thank you card. I still treasure the home made Christmas/Thank you cards etc. It truly is the thought that counts most.

Wixi · 14/12/2017 11:09

My DSis decided this year before last. She has one and a step-son, I have one child. She is now pregnant with her second child. So she (whose family lives rent free with my Dad and doesn't have to work anymore), buys for one child while I have three to buy for (I also have my own home with the attached bills, etc). I get quite fed up about it but my DH just said to say nothing and be the bigger person.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2017 11:18

You only say that if you all have kids. If the couple does not have kids, you buy for them. Bit cheeky otherwise.

Dadstheworld · 14/12/2017 11:26

My Sis and BiL don't have children but always buy gifts for my children. We host them at Xmas and also do Secret Santa for all adults so everyone gets to open something. I always assumed they bought because they want to, not because they feel obliged.

happypoobum · 14/12/2017 16:21

Both my sisters and one of my best friends had DC before I did. Not only did I buy them birthday and Christmas presents without losing sleep over whether I would get one back, I also bought them random presents throughout the year.

If I saw something nice I thought they would like, I might just buy it for them. I got a lot of joy out of doing this and still get joy from giving children presents. I honestly thought everyone did.

This thread has been a real eye opener about the tightarse attitudes of some posters.

I remember a colleague once telling a group of us she thought it was so unfair that she had to buy five presents for her sisters children when she only had one child. We all thought she was ridiculous and told her she had better just choose her favourite DN and tell her sister that was the one she was buying for then......

It seems she wasn't the only one who thinks in this way. So, erm, Happy Christmas Everyone (hides thread as it is just too saddening and not in the spirit)

MargaretCavendish · 14/12/2017 16:35

I always assumed they bought because they want to, not because they feel obliged.

I'm sure they do - but it doesn't mean they wouldn't like to feel appreciated. I think that's OP's problem, there's something dismissive about buying for everyone else's family and then no one bothering with yours.

TheFickleFingerOfFate · 14/12/2017 17:26

They are your nieces and nephews - it's not like they're randoms from work. Get them small gifts. All you're teaching them is you only give to get with your grumping.

Maireadplastic · 14/12/2017 17:27

They should probably get you something.

Do you really need presents though?

LauraBfromNY · 14/12/2017 17:29

I feel it makes you feel any better I bought for 3sibs’ kids (6 in total) all until they were 21and while I was a student. I am much you never and had my kids very late. They always sent lists for presents and they were always over £35 each often much more. I now have 3kids (4, 6, and 8) and one sib lied for 2years her presents must have been lost in the post then just stopped bothering even to lie, one was good for the 2years I flew her here to spend xmas with us (and fed, coddled, bought,shared nice wine, etc with), and the other now sends £5-10 gifts...if I were you I would forget about any reciprocity and just do what makes you feel good and that you won’t feel angry about later...

Helspopje · 14/12/2017 17:34

Or our relis who gladly accepted gifts for their kids for the last few decades when we had none have now decided that 'lets not do gifts for kids at all' now we have kids too.

MacaroonMama · 14/12/2017 17:34

Sorry haven't rtft but you are not BU at all! That is thoughtless.

DH and I have three kids. I have two brothers, they have no kids. He has two sisters, one married with kids, one unmarried, no kids.

A few years ago, I asked the uncles/aunts without kids if they would just buy for children, but we still buy for them, so the ones without kids buy for our kids only.

DH's DS and DBIL we just get little things for them but for their kids. Everyone gets pressies, nobody gets too many, those without kids don't end up "double buying". Could you suggest similar to the nicest of the adults?

JohnHunter · 14/12/2017 17:43

Christmas really does make a lot of people miserable - doesn't it?

Children are disproportionately excited about Christmas and it is usually fun for everyone to give and watch them open presents. As an adult who can buy things for himself, I'd be perfectly happy not to receive any tat from friends/relatives this year. I am however delighted to buy things for other people and to receive things that will make my kids excited on Christmas Day.

Why not see Christmas as a day to give rather than an opportunity to increase the amount of "stuff" that you have?

Thesavsie · 14/12/2017 17:44

I really think people can get a bit mean and thoughtless at Christmas. We all have 365 days to scrape together a present and that present can cost anything from one pound upwards. The only place I feel for Secret Santa is in the work place where we don't really know people and there might be lot's of people so it makes sense. I think "just buying for the children" is unreasonable when everyone had 365 days to get their acts together and spend a couple of quid if that is all they've got. It's not about money, it's about a bit of effort and a little bit of thought . . .

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