Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Let’s only buy for the children” Yet DH & I are the only ones childfree!

451 replies

PinkJeggings · 13/12/2017 14:56

Four couples: three with DC and us without. All either my siblings or DH’s siblings.

The longstanding agreement is to only buy for the children. So DH and I have to buy presents for five children. And we get nothing back in return!

AIBU to have a little moan?

OP posts:
4amwriter · 13/12/2017 18:58

I don't really understand the problem op.
These are not just 'some other couple's children', they are your nieces and nephews! You don't have to buy for them. But yes, it is childish of you to be put out that your 'family' doesn't receive anything in return.

PoorYorick · 13/12/2017 19:02

I bought for the kids before I wanted or had any. Never occurred to me to mind.

They're children.

4amwriter · 13/12/2017 19:03

What would your thoughts be if you had children but no partner?

I presume you'll be getting a present from your partner. But what if you didn't have one? Would you think it fair of your kids got presents but you didn't get any?

Agree with your partner that you'll spoil each other. Buy or don't buy for your nieces and nephews. Get on with enjoying christmas. Job done!

TeeniefaeTroon · 13/12/2017 19:04

I have kids but my sister doesn't, she buys my kids presents but not me, I do buy for her though. It's only fair.

eddielizzard · 13/12/2017 19:07

and for this exact reason is why we don't have this rule in our family - it's not fair. i like the x amount per family idea and only buying for one family. Burnttwine's idea i think...

Vitalogy · 13/12/2017 19:10

Come on Aunty Jeggings

FoxyRoxy · 13/12/2017 19:13

Op I think you're getting a hard time from some here! In the absence of children I'd be buying you at least a box of nice chocs or some nice wine or similar, I spend more on my nieces and nephews per child than my sil and brothers spend on my kids per child as I have more kids and I think it's only fair!

bimbobaggins · 13/12/2017 19:17

And what you will find if you do go on to have kids that it will become oh, we’re not buying Christmas gifts anymore and you’ll have bought their kids for years

DontCallMeCharlotte · 13/12/2017 19:20

I'm in my 50s and the youngest of five and have been an Aunt for nearly 50 years (Christ!) and have no children. I had the "good job" and bought all 14 nieces and nephews Christmas presents with very little in return which was fine as they couldn't really afford much. Then my eldest sister issued a directive that we would only be buying for the children (I was in early 20s at the time). I told her to fuck right off - I wanted a glittery paper plate made by a four year old. It was the principle. It must have been taken on board as I received dozens of gifts that year! The youngest is about to turn 30 and we siblings generally only buy if we're actually going to see each other over Christmas which is pretty rare.

Spartaca · 13/12/2017 19:22

We always buy something nice for our one childfree sibling/couple for this reason.

JingsMahBucket · 13/12/2017 19:25

@ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace dear goodness woman, stop subsidizing his family's Christmas. That is totally unfair and not your responsibility at all.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 13/12/2017 19:26

Easy, agree to buy a family gift so each of you buy one per household, chocs or game or biscuits for people with kids and they can get you wine! Everyone’s a winner!

ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 13/12/2017 19:26

Sadly a precedent has been set. I've been around before all the kids were born so don't think I can suddenly stop. sigh

JingsMahBucket · 13/12/2017 19:29

@ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace oh yes you can change this right now. You can tell them this is the last year you (singular and plural) will be doing it. (Especially since you've received FA in return all these years.)

KalaLaka · 13/12/2017 19:31

Wouldn't you feel a bit patronised if they bought you a gift in this scenario?

stayhomeclub · 13/12/2017 19:32

I’m happy to buy for my nieces and to not bother with adult presents even though we don’t have children. I don’t need anything and they are children, I don’t give to children in order to receive.

kath6144 · 13/12/2017 19:33

Foxyroxy - Op I think you're getting a hard time from some here!

I agree. I dont give to receive, but if I was in your position, I wouldn't go out of my way to buy the children presents.

We generally only buy for children now, but in general all have at least one child to buy for.

I do buy for a few friends - One of which is my DD's childless-by-choice godmother. Athough we had always bought each other, when she started buying for my kids (she also bought DS until he turned 18) I made a point of spending significantly more on her present than in the past, knowing that she was buying for three and me for one.

Similarly with DS godparents, who have only one child and a much lower income than us. Whilst we tend to spend similar on the kids, I usually also buy them some nice chocolates, so it evens things out a little.

Your siblings sounds like my twat of a DB. He has stopped buying my kids presents on and off over the years (usually when he wasnt getting his own way with things - this is a late 50s man!!). When he stoppped for good and I decided to do the same, he had the gall to text me and remind me of his DDs birthday. He also sent some none-too-subtle hints near her 21st, which I ignored. Some people, esp siblings, are just piss takers.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/12/2017 19:37

I have an issue with this, sort of. Firstly, if my mother had still been alive, this would never be happening in a million years but my family dynamic has changed and it is. Last year it was "decided" that the family would only buy for the children. This is fine except I am a single parent of two on a low income and my eldest now falls into the "adult" category. So, here I am buying presents for my (wealthy) sibling's four children where everybody appears to only have to buy for my one. I will not have my DD excluded from presents because regardless if she is an adult or not, she is part of the "children" as far as I am concerned and it's not fair to see her little brother receive presents and not her. It has also left me feeling awful about my Dad. It would never have occurred to me not to buy a present for my Dad but he is going along with this too. I also don't believe for a minute that my step-mother isn't buying for her own children (none of whom have children of their own!). It also means I don't get any presents either (although DD always makes an effort to get something). Personally, I don't agree with any of it. I probably sound extremely childish but it's not something we would ever have done in my family prior to my mum's death and I feel a bit resentful that this is happening now. I would actually prefer to buy something small and thoughtful for everybody than do it like this.

Doobigetta · 13/12/2017 19:49

I'm childfree and have one "proper" nephew (several steps and inlaws). I'm happy to buy him presents and get nothing in return, because he's cute and I enjoy buying things for him. But if that changes in the future, if he grows up spoiled or it becomes a chore or I can't afford it, I'll cut the presents down to a token selection box or something without feeling guilty. It might be different if there were several of them, but I'd still take the view that it's completely discretionary.

roomsonfire · 13/12/2017 19:49

TheFormidableMrsC I dont get presents either because I am a single parent.

I entered an online secret santa this year though so I have something to open. It'll probs be my only gift though.

bimbobaggins · 13/12/2017 19:51

The formidable, if you feel so strongly about it then you should say something. People can’t just decide and expect you to go along with it, why don’t you say you are only buying for your own children and let them buy for theirs. You won’t regret it

zoomer445 · 13/12/2017 19:57

Hi are these kids your nieces and nephews?

kath6144 · 13/12/2017 19:58

TheFormidableMrsC

In mine and DH families, even when we went to 'children only' presents, it was only between siblings (and DH uncle whose DD is slightly older than our kids generation).

My parents are no longer with us, but we still buy for DH parents, and they still give all of us 4 (and SIL family of 4) some money and a little present.

Can you talk separately to your Dad and maybe re instate presents between the two of you?

mirialis · 13/12/2017 20:08

TheFormidableMrsC - yep, I still get a present for Mum even when my child-bearing siblings brought in the "kids-only" rule. Please don't let yourself get bullied into not getting a gift for your DF if you would like to do so. In fact, once the siblings brought in the kids only rule my DM is the only person from my side of the family I get presents for - DH's family don't have this rule so we still get presents for the two DC on that side though we don't spend much because we treat the DNs to fun stuff throughout the year and have allocated one wall in the study where all the homemade cards and artwork we get in return are pinned.

MillennialFalcon · 13/12/2017 20:44

So if the couples are yours and your DH's siblings then their children are your nieces and nephews? DH and I don't have DC yet but don't begrudge buying presents for DN, what you're getting in return is seeing how happy they are! BIL has managed a cheeky work around at Christmas where he says we shouldn't exchange Christmas presents but his birthday is very close to Christmas so he still gets presents for that but doesn't have to buy anything in return. But I'd never take that out on DN, adults not exchanging presents is a separate issue. Just buy small cheap gifts if cost is an issue or talk to the adults about exchanging gifts again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread