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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at teacher telling DD to 'hold in' period.

727 replies

yaela123 · 11/12/2017 18:41

DD is 15 and her school have a no going to the toilet during lesson time rule, which I completely agree with on the whole as I know how disruptive it can be if people are constantly in and out, and how everyone just uses it as an excuse to bunk off (I am a teacher too - very different environment though)

Only exception is if you have a medical note from a doctor.

Today in one of her lessons DD says she could feel that she really needed to change her pad, she was getting quite worried about it leaking. She eventually asked the (male) teacher if she could go to the loo.

Teacher: No, you know the rules
DD: I really need it.
Teacher: What did I just say?
DD: It's a girl problem...
Teacher: What do you mean?
DD: Umm... I'm on my period
Teacher: Break is only in half an hour, hold it in til then

Obviously those aren't the exact words said but she says it's pretty accurate.
DD is quite shy so did just wait til break (no leakage btw).

She doesn't seem overly bothered but AIBU to be pretty shocked at him telling her to hold it in? Surely even men have some basic idea that it doesn't work like that?

OP posts:
perchi · 16/12/2017 19:34

MaisyPops, for once I agree with you. I also like the swipe idea. Have to say I was shocked though at the child's feelings being irrelevant. It quite upset me, I hope other teachers don't feel this way. I understand what you've been saying but it still seems wrong to go on instincts when some pupils could feel highly embarrassed.

TinselCrack · 16/12/2017 19:39

Definitely chat with the teacher. Echoing many in here that heavy periods don't give warning when they're going to 'gush' and you need to be able to get sorted without swimming in it for half an hour.

I still get caught out even in my late 30's.

MaisyPops · 16/12/2017 19:49

perchi
I really don't think students feelings are irrelevant.
It's hard to explain when saying 'instincts' but it comes from knowing your students.

I hope you see that I'm genuinely not heartless, just doing my best to balance school policy, time wasters and treat my students well. No system is perfect, but I do think that if people know you are doing your best then they tend to be reasonable.

It's why I'd have reservations about working in any school with a total ban.

Missm84 · 16/12/2017 21:29

Perchi

Maybe I can shed some light on what I mean by irrelevant as I think you are taking it in the wrong context.
For arguments sake let's say a girl asks 5 minutes after break to use the loo, I say no and for the next hr she swigs from her water bottle and chats to her freind complaining how it is against her rights and she needs a wee. A boy then asks and explains how he thinks he ate a dodgy sandwich and feels sick. I am not going to allow the boy to vomit in class and refuse him just because the girl on the other side needs a wee. I won't let one refusal cloud my judgement. I suppose it is the same as a referee at a football match.

greenhairymonster · 16/12/2017 21:48

For arguments sake let's say a girl asks 5 minutes after break to use the loo, I say no and for the next hr she swigs from her water bottle and chats to her freind complaining how it is against her rights and she needs a wee. A boy then asks and explains how he thinks he ate a dodgy sandwich and feels sick. I am not going to allow the boy to vomit in class and refuse him just because the girl on the other side needs a wee. My kids would not have been dos self aware that their school lunch would have made them sick at primary school and quite often I need to wee and I need to drink at the same time - my body is my bloody enemy at times, I wish I could control it....I wish I didn't have to wee desperately 30 minutes after we have left home, despite going just before we left - thankfully I have a lovely dh who doesn't refuse to facilitate my annoying bodily functions - he trusts me..... but I'm an adult, poor kids!

Missm84 · 16/12/2017 21:58

Greenhairymonster

Are you a teacher?
I've said I let children go if it is truly necessary. How exactly would you like teachers to handle toilet requests?

stoplickingthetelly · 16/12/2017 22:51

As a teacher you kind of get a feel for when someone needs to go and when they just fancy a wonder about. When some asks 5 minutes after lunch time I usually say no (high school kids), but if it's half 2 I usually say yes. It also depends what's going on in the lesson. Sometimes I ask them to wait a few minutes until I've finished the input part, for example, and then let them go. Sometimes I gets a bit much though when you've got half the class asking to go. I've got one particular year 7 child who was asking to go literally every lesson and so wasn't getting his work done so now he knows he's not allowed to. I've noticed notes in his planner from other members if staff about his constant need to go to the toilet so it is just a tactic to get out of lessons. We haven't been informed of a medical issue so assume there isn't one.

perchi · 17/12/2017 07:45

OP, what happened at school with yourself and dd, you haven't posted since the 11th, I think? Hope you got it sorted.

perchi · 17/12/2017 08:42

Have to say, I wonder if some of the teacher posters are actually teachers? I've been looking again at some of their posts. Missm84, "It is irrelevant to me how those refused feel when others are allowed as in my case, it is so rare that I let a child out". Shock There was a very good post (amongst others) by Alfagirl73 at 15.53 but a very poor response from Missm84 and nothing covering points raised except a bit of pa about Alfagirl being able to use the loo at work. I would have thought a genuine teacher would have been eager to address this post. 1640, "bolshy girl who refers to her period as on the blob This sounds a bit like making a class distinction,which I thought a teacher wouldn't do. Anyway, good luck to the bolshy girl, good on her.

MaisyPops · 17/12/2017 08:52

perchi
Definitely a teacher here. But, I do think I try to explain where I'm coming from (even if it's not always expressed brilliantly or I get exasperated).

perchi · 17/12/2017 09:13

Then there's LuluJakey1, 17.13. "Young staff, particularly male are often targeted to embarrass them." Would a teacher discredit young girls like this? Also, "I don't give a toss whether you approve or not......." Shock Nice..

perchi · 17/12/2017 09:47

Then there's Maisiepops with her "middle ground" and anyone who disagrees with her is being "willingly obtuse" Also "I'm not splitting hairs by correcting people who make entirely false statements about my views" and yet was proven a few days ago to be doing exactly that to another poster. Then there's her weird ideas that only "good kids" should deserve the honour of using the loo! 11/12/17, 19.49 "we've had parents of good kids call us up and ask for a temporary pass" "If your dd is a nice child and not the sort to take the mick, then maybe speak to head of year". "If she's an otherwise good child......" etc, etc. Did you ever apologise to the poster you lied about? He/she was requesting an apology.

perchi · 17/12/2017 09:56

Then there's all the guessing, assuming, instinct, etc. Stoplickingthetelly 22.51, "you kind of get a feel for when someone needs to go........" "We haven't been informed of a medical issue so assume there isn't one" Poor bloody kids!!

perchi · 17/12/2017 10:00

This reply has been deleted

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Missm84 · 17/12/2017 10:07

Perchi

Are you a teacher? Why are you getting so agitated? I don't think anyone has said they stop a child going to the toilet who has either a medical condition, are ill or on their period.

MaisyPops · 17/12/2017 10:10

perchi
I think you are just being deliberately goady now.

And I'm not apologising to a poster the other day who went from one thread where we disagreed to another where they started their post ti the thread with some stupud dig at me and then claimed I was stalking them for making an observation about their regular appearance on school threads bashing teachers (especially when thet admitted to having a chip about teachers and then denied saying it).
And if I recall correctly you also did what the poster I got annoyed with did which is jump from one thread to anothet and make a stupid comment about me.

To be honest, you're just trying to stir shit up online because it helps your 'eeeeeh all these nasty teachers' story.

Thankfully, I have great classes, even students who've typically time wasted or been badly behaved in the past know i'm fair and reasonable so oddly enough manage to behave, nit time waste and actually get let out to the loo etc once they stop taking the piss (and often end up wanting to get me for gcse and a level). I have good relationships with my students and parents because most of them are excellent and reasonable and if they they have a concern then they call and we chat like adults about it.
Sure, I hold a line when you get aggressive and confrontational parents. Sure I don't tolerate poor behaviour, but then what you get back from students and parents is that they want staff who are firm but fair.

MaisyPops · 17/12/2017 10:16

Missm84
For all I disagree with you on some parts of your approach to toilets, I think we just have to accept that Perchi is just trying yo be a shit stirrer who is craving a response.

I've been stating the same thing for pages on this thread and what started as an interesting discussion has just become perchi trying to prod people for a reaction.

I wouldn't waste any more time on them.

Originalfoogirl · 17/12/2017 10:20

At my DD's primary they have an open door classroom policy. It works brilliantly

Same here. They deal with the apparent “anarchy” of lots of children all rushing to the WC every minute of the day, but making sure the students are engaged and interested.

This outdated view of how to teach children is why our education system is falling in standards.

Missm84 · 17/12/2017 10:26

Maisypops

Not a problem with anyone who disagrees on my view of toilets. We are all entitled to opinions. It is just that perchi seems to think not letting children go during lessons means I would let a girl sit and bleed on her chair rather than give permission.

perchi · 17/12/2017 10:34

Oh yes, and when you confront them with their own quotations you get called shit stirrer, deliberately goady, getting agitated, the only one being like this. And yet Jemima, 11/12/17 at 21.16 "anyone who refuses to let a girl of menstruating age use the loo when they ask to is just being a nasty controlling fucker of a person" and there's many more opinions like that on this thread. NOT just me. If you really are teachers, you need to listen to how strongly parents feel about this and take a good hard look at yourselves.

perchi · 17/12/2017 10:44

And here's a real teacher TheOnlyLivingBoy, 11/12/17 @21.11 "I have been late for class before because I have had a sudden gush of blood and soaked a new pad in five minutes without warning". "Anyone who doesn't believe this happens because it doesn't happen to them is ridiculous"

Missm84 · 17/12/2017 10:48

Perchi

I've never said I wouldn't let a girl on her period go though have I? Just that I don't let children go to the toilet during lessons.

MaisyPops · 17/12/2017 10:51

Missm84
Me neither. I really like pass suggestion from another poster when I asked how it would work in a large school.
If my school did what that poster suggested thrn I'd probably get on board with nipping out as the default approach. I think it sounds like a great system.

Originalfoogirl
Primary abd secondary are different set ups with different challenges. I know it works well in primary but it is quite different. Children vs teenagers etc abd all that.
I have seen some schools (new build) move to having a unisex single cubicle in each wing/department open onto thr corridor for students to use during class which i think could be an option which reduces the ability to hide out in toilets and waste time and also reduces students having to walk across site to the toilets etc.

perchi
I'm all for reasonable and even heated discussion.

What I'm not up for wasting time with someone on the internet who wants to go through and pick and choose which bits of posters' replies they feel suits their agenda.

So for the millionth time. there is a middle ground between a free for all and a blanket ban.

Lizzie48 · 17/12/2017 10:56

The thing is, though, Missm84, would all teenage girls feel comfortable spelling out that they're on their period? If you just say no to a toilet request, then there might be a girl struggling with a leek. She might say that she needs a wee as it's less embarrassing (and she might need one too as well as being on her period).

I do think you need to listen to what some of the mums on this thread are saying, as it's clearly aroused strong feelings.

Missm84 · 17/12/2017 11:00

Lizzie48

True, I've personally never had a girl tell me she's on her period, or leak, but the girl in the op did and all I know is if that same situation occurred in my class I would make an exception.