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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be shocked at teacher telling DD to 'hold in' period.

727 replies

yaela123 · 11/12/2017 18:41

DD is 15 and her school have a no going to the toilet during lesson time rule, which I completely agree with on the whole as I know how disruptive it can be if people are constantly in and out, and how everyone just uses it as an excuse to bunk off (I am a teacher too - very different environment though)

Only exception is if you have a medical note from a doctor.

Today in one of her lessons DD says she could feel that she really needed to change her pad, she was getting quite worried about it leaking. She eventually asked the (male) teacher if she could go to the loo.

Teacher: No, you know the rules
DD: I really need it.
Teacher: What did I just say?
DD: It's a girl problem...
Teacher: What do you mean?
DD: Umm... I'm on my period
Teacher: Break is only in half an hour, hold it in til then

Obviously those aren't the exact words said but she says it's pretty accurate.
DD is quite shy so did just wait til break (no leakage btw).

She doesn't seem overly bothered but AIBU to be pretty shocked at him telling her to hold it in? Surely even men have some basic idea that it doesn't work like that?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 16/12/2017 12:02

I'm getting the impression you have discipline issues Missm.

DD's school promotes a culture of mutual respect. How are children supposed to respect a teacher who denies them the most basic of human dignity? I sure as hell wouldn't.

My DD sometimes needs to drink more than usual due to medication, meaning she needs the loo more than usual. We haven't had to bother the GP and take a valuable appointment to get a medical note because the school runs such a sensible policy.

I will be telling her secondary exactly the same.

stitchglitched · 16/12/2017 12:03

Are you MissPeters? The one who always pops up on these threads to tell everyone how much they revel in controlling the bladders of young children? Zero compassion, understanding or awareness that children are all different, have varying needs and can't always wee to a timetable?

CandiedPeach · 16/12/2017 12:05

I'd also empower my child by saying I'd back them up in a emergency if they just walk out. me too!

I also think a 5 minute detention over having a accident at school or the uncomfortableness of needing the loo and trying to concentrate (really would any meaningful work be taking place if your trying to stop yourself weeing) is worth staying in for 5 minutes.
As a parent though they would be no punishment from me and it would be a case of me not supporting the teacher. Which I think causes problems and a lack of respect from the child to the teacher, so not something I’d take lightly.
Although if a teachers not showing respect I don’t think they deserve it back.

Missm84 · 16/12/2017 12:08

I think I have said under the right circumstances I would let them out.

QueSera · 16/12/2017 12:14

Definitely complain. That is so unbelievably outrageous. Completely disgusting. I am furious on your daughter's behalf. This teacher needs a biology lesson.

greenhairymonster · 16/12/2017 12:16

greenhairymonster Surely you see though that with certain age groups a no toilet policy is reasonable?

As the mother of a very hard working boy in Year 10 - who has spent the last year with an unpredictable digestive tract condition, I am glad that my ds was never refused a visit to the loo before we had considered a toilet pass was necessary.

Weighing up the two scenarios - an incredibly embarrassing toilet incident or a detention, both my kids have thought this though and have decided a detention is the preferable option - even a week long detention would not be enough to keep them in a class if they really had to go to avoid urinating/pooing or leaking in class! And they would receive my full emotional support for doing so.

perchi · 16/12/2017 13:08

I still don't like the idea that some pupils are allowed and some not (in the same class). I really don't like the idea that teachers have to be mind readers as to who is genuine or not. There must be some other way to solve this problem, surely?

CandiedPeach · 16/12/2017 13:27

I think I have said under the right circumstances I would let them out.
That’s what I struggle with though Missm84. What is the “right circumstances” if you need the loo you need the loo.

Why should a child or teen have to give out personal details about their bodily functions to be allowed to use the toilets?
Using periods as an example as that’s what this thread started about. Why should a girl have to tell anyone that she is on her period, what if she feels uncomfortable with the teacher knowing or uncomfortable that another student might hear or guess.
And if a “normal period” isn’t considered a good enough reason, should she have to give extra details?

I’m fine with a teacher saying “do you really need to go or could you wait?” I’m fine with encouraging them to go at breaktimes and if a child is repeatedly going 5 mins after getting to class, looking into why. I’m fine with secondary school pupils having to go back at break to check they haven’t missed any work or instructions from the teacher.
I’m not ok with a child saying “yes I really need it” and not being allowed.

perchi · 16/12/2017 13:37

Yes Candied, that's what I was trying to say, you said it much better.

Missm84 · 16/12/2017 13:42

Candied peach

Illness or period are the only exceptions. If a child needs a wee they should have gone at break.

Missm84 · 16/12/2017 13:44

No one says they have to give out personal info.

perchi · 16/12/2017 13:57

Miss, but what if a child says wee but means more and is too embarrased to say?

JacquesHammer · 16/12/2017 13:57

Illness or period are the only exceptions. If a child needs a wee they should have gone at break

They're 10/11. Can you honestly say that even as an adult your bladder never has a sudden need?

Thank FUCK my child is nowhere near a teacher like you.

CandiedPeach · 16/12/2017 14:02

But saying you’re on your period or have a water infection or a dodgy tummy is personal Missm84.
So at your school if as a one off a child admits they forgot to go at break and are now desperate, you wouldn’t let them go? I’m sorry but if that’s truly the case, I’d class that as child abuse.

And in the Op’s post her daughter said it was her period and she still couldn’t go. So if she really had to would she have had to say “I’m going to leak or I’ve not got a pad on” or something to be allowed to go.

CandiedPeach · 16/12/2017 14:08

Not something I’d ever have thought I’d need to consider. But thanks to this thread I now know to check my dd’s prospective schools toileting policy.
And if the only schools available have the same policy as Missm84 I think I’ll be home schooling.

I’ve actually been considering teaching as a career (currently at uni). But no Way could I work in a school with such archaic attitudes and rules. So maybe it’s not for me.

Lizzie48 · 16/12/2017 14:49

I think the issue is that children are being encouragement to carry water bottles around and drink much more than I ever did when I was in school. Well, of course the result is that they will need to use the toilet more often. It's not rocket science.

Namechange90 · 16/12/2017 15:01

I bled severely when younger. I had to take 3 pairs in knickers and two full sany packs a day to school, forever in the loos changing one or both. Was awful. So although this is different to your daughters situation I'd be inclined to complain also.

Thedietstartsnow · 16/12/2017 15:08

Fucking complain to the governors get him disciplined properly,twat

MaisyPops · 16/12/2017 15:14

Fucking complain to the governors get him disciplined properly,twat
Here we go. The mob mentality returns. Hmm
For the record, this ^^ is what teachers are talking about when they talk about peoplr who are impossible to deal with and who take endless time away from actually helping kids learn.

Alternatively, any parent with a concern could call the school, ask to speak to the appropriate person and have a sensible adult discussion (you know, like most reasonable people)

alfagirl73 · 16/12/2017 15:53

I find some of the attitudes towards children needing the loo utterly horrible. Yes, there are kids who will try it on, but it seems to me that the majority are punished for the actions of the minority.

This attitude of "if the child needed the loo he/she should have gone at break" does my head in. Use your common sense. If the child goes to the loo at break but also has a drink of water at break, chances are that the effects of that drink won't kick in until about half an hour later - when the child is in class! When I'm at work, if I have a cup of tea or coffee - then I'm guaranteed to want a wee about 30 mins later - not 2 seconds after I've had the drink!

As an example: If a child is in the situation of, say, developing diabetes - it is undiagnosed but they are developing symptoms. One of those symptoms will be needing to wee - a lot! And it goes like this: you don't need to go at all - then suddenly you need to go NOW. It's not a "can you hold it for another 30 mins" situation - it's a "I have to go now or I'm going to wet myself". Ultimately the child will end up diagnosed and having treatment but while the condition is developing, so do the symptoms and there is likely to be time between the onset of symptoms and a diagnosis - during which the poor child will be desperate for the loo a lot of the time, with no understanding why, and stuck in a classroom where they can't go!

A child doesn't know why they are suddenly desperate for a wee - they just are. As an adult - if I need to go, I need to go - and I will go. If I have to walk away from my desk or walk out of a meeting excusing myself politely, then I will do it, and no one bats an eye!

Thankfully when I was at school, if you asked to go to the loo, it was very very rare to be told no. I don't recall missing 2 mins of class from time to time having a detrimental effect on my learning. I've done pretty well in my professional career, despite loo breaks at school!

One time in secondary school I was told to wait (during heavy periods when I was not only dealing with flooding, but feeling very nauseous and faint) by a teacher who seemed to take great joy in making my life hell - and I did get up and walk out after I'd made it clear several times I really desperately needed to be excused. My mum was one who 99.9999% of the time would always back the teacher, but on this one she went ballistic and the teacher actually got into trouble for putting me in the impossible position where I had no option but to walk out.

I'd have been extremely stressed and anxious at school if I could've never gone to the loo when I needed to. A child has a right to dignity and confidentiality too and shouldn't have to disclose deeply personal and sensitive information in front of a room of other kids just so they can exercise a basic human right.

While some people may be able to wait until break etc... (and that is fine), for others the need to go may come on more suddenly and urgently, and, even if they went at break, it might not make a difference. How much do you think a child is actually concentrating on their work if they spend half the lesson focussed on not having an accident in front of the class?! I know that when I'm desperate for the loo I can think of little else!

I wish people (in particular teachers) would recognise that people's bodies work differently, even more so as a developing child. A blanket rule that no one can go to the loo, to me is barbaric and if it were my child in the class, they'd be given the absolute empowerment to walk out and go to the loo as and when they needed to if a polite request to go was denied.

Christ.... criminals in prison can go to the loo when they want - a child in school certainly should be able to!

Missm84 · 16/12/2017 15:53

Candied peach

No,if a child forgot to go at break I wouldn't let them go.

I already said if the situation with the op's girl happened I would let them go.

limitedperiodonly · 16/12/2017 15:53

True MaisyPops but not many people are saying things like Thediet. I don't detect a mob mentality on this thread and I would not behave in that way.

However, if this were my daughter I'd speak to the head of year or head of pastoral care calmly and without going in "all guns blazing". I realise that's what some people do, or boast about whether they do it or not, but many people are capable of being reasonable and diplomatic in solving a problem.

I would be inclined to believe what my child told me, but that doesn't mean I'd accuse the teacher of any bad motives. I would suggest that he needed a lesson in menstruation because he had told her to hold it in and I don't think a 15 year old gets muddled about what was said in the way that a five year old might.

I realise your interpretation of 'that parent' is someone who is aggressive and obstinate. I'd object to having to deal with someone like that too. But the term 'that parent' is often used by other PP on MN, generally not teachers, to describe people who would do as I do and go to the school to have a civilised chat about an issue affecting their child with the aim of reaching a solution.

I'm happy to be 'that parent' and would disregard PPs who think that way would accept any treatment or rule without question.

BTW I was lucky enough to have light, regular periods with no pain. But that doesn't mean I disbelieve those women who don't - as another teacher poster, not you, appeared to say.

However I remember being perimenopausal and once flooding so much it ran down my leg and into my shoe and onto the floor. I'd never have believed it. After that I once thought it had happened again and shuffled to the loo in panic. It hadn't, thankfully. It was just a weird warm sensation. But if someone had said: 'Well, it didn't really matter because it hadn't happened,' I'd have been 'that woman' in my response.

TitaniasCloset · 16/12/2017 15:55

Alfagirl I absolutely agree.

MaisyPops · 16/12/2017 16:00

limitedperiodonly That was in reference to that poster Grin

Your approach would be similar to mine. It's perfectly reasonable to raise concerns and speak to school.
It wouldn't be reasonable to diagnose malice or state they need disciplined or needs reporting to the heaf and then a book full of toilet near misses.

To me (and certainly most of my colleagues) 'those parents' are as you describe, just willingly obtuse, pick and choose when rules apply, think their child is a total saint who is so brilliant they would never do anything wrong etc

Nice reasonable parents like you are the reason we can stick it out in our jobs. Seriously, we really do appreciate that most parents are nice and sensible and will call for a chat if it's needed.
As ever on school threads, a little bit of common sense goes a long way.

Missm84 · 16/12/2017 16:05

Alfagirl73

I'm glad you can go at work whenever takes your fancy, teachers certianly cannot.

I don't think any one is saying the teacher in the OP was correct, just that children should go to the loo at break.