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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You shouldn't use the term SAHM if...

316 replies

TheJennaThing · 10/12/2017 16:21

You don't have children at home during the day? As in, they're in school.
I'm all for SAHP if they're children are actually at home but unless your OH earns mega bucks and you don't need to work surely SAHM isn't the right term if you just decide you're not going to work when you're kids are at school.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 10/12/2017 17:30

So if someone asks them what they do, they've to rely 'I'm someone who doesn't work' ? They are mums who stay at home. It really doesn't matter what age their kids are.

OhNoOhNo · 10/12/2017 17:31

Bit harsh to judge all sahps because of one woman, whose life you know nothing about.

NeverTwerkNaked · 10/12/2017 17:33

Exactly *grilledaubergine” the resistance to that title strikes me as a bit silly and defensive.

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 10/12/2017 17:34

So the OP has an issue with a woman in her life and therefore decrees that all SAHMs be more specific as to how they refer to themselves.

Normal behaviour...

Original poster
TheJennaThing · 10/12/2017 17:35

@OhNoOhNo Why do you make the assumption I know nothing about her life?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 10/12/2017 17:35

it's not making sense to anyone else on here

Well that's the only accurate thing you've said.

You have no right to decide whether what someone else describes them as is an accurate term.

Gottagetmoving · 10/12/2017 17:37

She lives a shit tip of a house, and stretches the CB of her kids as far as she can because she just doesn't want to work. That is not a SAHM

She is a mum...she stays at home...so she can call herself a stay at home mum if she likes and it has fuck all to do with you.
When you have a spare minute, like whenever you are not judging someone or looking down your nose at others, perhaps you could write out a list of appropriate names/descriptions that we may use to describe who/what we are.

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 10/12/2017 17:37

I think people were 'silly and defensive' due to being patronised and looked down on for being a mere housewife. I'm not sure if any people on this thread who've experienced being referred to as both a housewife and a SAHM notice any difference in how they're received.

Goldenbear · 10/12/2017 17:39

Spirited London, I think it's a perfectly valid reason. We don't have any grandparents that are willing to help regularly with child care, the after school club is a nightmare as available places vary from one week to the next- there's a waiting list at the moment. We can't afford a nanny and I don't want one anyway. My husband is an Architect and we are converting and extending and then moving on. In some respects I am managing the practical side of this whilst my DC are at school. My 6 year old DD has sensory processing issues and it is a battle getting to school. That doesn't mean I'm not looking for a job but neither of them want to go to after school club anyway, we do fun things after school and they've got used to it, i feel bad for taking that away hence looking for school hours work, it's not an excuse but in my case it's definitely a reason.

Primamadonna · 10/12/2017 17:39

OP you sound very bitter and your post makes no sense, no logic and I hope it gets taken down as it's coming across goady as fuck.
What other women do or call themselves is NOT your business.

Okkitokkiunga · 10/12/2017 17:39

Hmmmm, shall I now refer to myself as a part time housekeeper and part time parent. Does that tick the right boxes? Or I could be a part time mature student who provides free childcare to the earning parent in the family. Or I could be a volunteer in school/charity volunteer. Or I could just think I don't care what you think and continue to refer to myself as a stay at home Mum as what I do in my time whilst my children are at school has sweet FA to do with judgy pants people who don't know me.

ByThePowerOfRa · 10/12/2017 17:40

I always say I’m a sahm, as I just thought that was the correct term, but I quite like the idea of house spouse...

My dc isn’t at school yet, but she does 12 hours a week at pre-school. I’ve never collected benefits and don’t qualify for CB due to dh’s salary.

My DH was on the phone to someone the other day and they asked him what his wife’s occupation was. He said ‘houseperson’. I loved that one. Reminds me of housecat! Definitely going to say house spouse / housewife or houseperson from now on!

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2017 17:42

The question I guess is when do you stop referring to yourself as a stay at home mum? There was a lady on here whose kids were adults and not living at home anymore, they were at uni, and she still referred to herself as a stay at home mum.

I do think there is a time you have to stop saying it. For the op that’s when the kids are t school and many agree with her, for others it’s when kids go to secondary school, and a lot more agree with that, and a small amount think when kids get to mid teens and into adult hood.

At what stage or age. Exc special or additional needs, do you stop being a stay at home mum and start being someone who doesn’t work or a House wife /husband.

JacquesHammer · 10/12/2017 17:43

I'm going to start calling myself The Lady of the House.

And answer the phone a la Hyacinth Bucket

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 10/12/2017 17:43

My mother has on Facebook her occupation as 'happy housewife and mom'. Her youngest child is 31, and she gets called Mum. I'm guessing it's just that she can't use Facebook properly though Confused

JacquesHammer · 10/12/2017 17:44

I'm never going to be a "housewife" because I'm not and never will be a wife Grin

Spikeyball · 10/12/2017 17:46

I think someone's jealous.

I'm a carer to my child. I'm still classed as his carer when he is at school. A sahm is still a sahm when her child is at school.

mustbemad17 · 10/12/2017 17:46

Jacques make sure you wear your pearls when answering the telephone 😝

Okkitokkiunga · 10/12/2017 17:46

I like house spouse.

I will stop being a SaHM, when my DC's don't need me to pick them up from school, cart them round to activities and can cook the Sunday dinner Smile. Then I'll be. Lady of Leisure Grin

outsidelookingin · 10/12/2017 17:47

SAHM is such a shit, depressing term.

I must STAY AT HOME because I have kids, no life of my own and a DH who expects his dinner to be made when he gets in from his important work.

Yet people take umbrage with "Full Time Mum"

Yes, if I stay at home and look after the DCs all day I am indeed mothering full time. I am NOT being a full time mum when I'm participating in an important business meeting for example.

JaneyEJones · 10/12/2017 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

g1itterati · 10/12/2017 17:51

Jenna - what would be the point of me going to work in the day if we don't need the money?

During school hours I can get food shopping done, the kids or DH always need things picking up. At the moment I am renovating a house we will be moving into -this will take about 8 months. I go into the school for Suzuki piano and violin lessons. The house is organised. If we're planning to entertain at the weekend I can get that organised. All the stuff that would otherwise have to be crammed into evenings and weekends. I'm a rep at the school, so that's quite time consuming sometimes. I keep fit and do a lot of yoga. If I need to get my hair done or other treatments, I don't need to do it at weekends. I have 4 DC so weekends are busy with sports matches, parties and everything else. Also my DH is often away or working late in the week, so the school hours are my downtime!

JacquesHammer · 10/12/2017 17:51

@mustbemad17 they're primed and ready.

I must STAY AT HOME because I have kids, no life of my own and a DH who expects his dinner to be made when he gets in from his important work

That's a bizarre take.

SongforSal · 10/12/2017 17:51

As Shakespeare said. What's in a name? Tis neither hand nor foot, nor any other part belonging to a man.
Who cares about societal labels? They are constantly changing and don't encompass the value or the sum of our parts. On that note, I was lucky enough to be as it is coined a sahm for blocks of our DC's childhood through both choice, and then necessity due to one DC's ill health. I wasn't of the clock and relieved from parenting duties due to them being at school, as likewise I now work full time, but am there at the drop of a hat for them.

OhNoOhNo · 10/12/2017 17:52

OhNoOhNo Why do you make the assumption I know nothing about her life?

Even the people I am closest to and love the most don't know some major stuff I'm going through at the moment, or about my depression. I work full time but put on a brave face there too so no one knows.

I think you may be assuming you know everything about this woman?