AIBU? Christmas travel

[katzensocken]

Hi there, long time lurker but I finally made an account since I have a situation to post about. Genuinely looking for opinions on who is BU.

DSiL had a baby (DN) last year. DH and I love him to bits even though we haven't seen him a lot. I've seen him three times since he was born and DH has seen him a couple times more. DSiL and her DP have previously asked us to be legal guardians of DN. This meant a lot to us as I have fertility problems myself and may not be able to conceive a child of my own. DN is now just over one year old.

Travel situation, before I get into the rest of it: I suffer from chronic illness and mobility issues. We don't have a car yet, my DH is learning to drive early next year (previously we didn't need one, as I was physically well and we used public transport quite easily). Train and bus journeys are very difficult for me, and anxiety about my physical symptoms makes it worse. Car journeys are a little better, just because I can sit and not worry about my legs giving way when I have to walk from point A to B.

Last year we spent Xmas at DSiL's large house, just us and them, it was very pleasant. DSiL's DP picked us up in the car and dropped us back. We live 40 mins car journey away, further on the train.

For the past year DSiL has been reluctant to visit us or let us visit them unless we can make our own way. They know my mobility and health issues, but we also understand they are busy and tired with baby so we have never demanded they visit. A couple of months ago, around DN's 1st birthday, they were planning to visit us for the day but DSiL later said our apartment was now too small (DN getting bigger and bored easily) and not child safe. We have some clutter but are not untidy, especially when people visit. Our flat is always clean and we are more than aware of how to make things child safe. Nothing dangerous or delicate would be in reach. Fair enough though, we let her have that opinion even while reassuring her it was fine.

For this Xmas, they are spending actual Xmas with other family, which is cool and we don't mind. But they wanted us to visit next weekend for gift exchange and things. We did consider the train but my health has been atrocious recently and when we looked at tickets, it's over 60 pounds, not an amount we can spare with Xmas looming. So we told them this, but they still want us to visit, asking us to reconsider. We said it would be much easier for us if DSiL's DP could drive the 40 mins in the car to collect us, and 40 mins back on the Sunday. We would be glad to pay for fuel costs, as this would be much cheaper than train tickets. We just really want to see DN if possible. They refused and insisted we find another way, saying the drive is too long. For reference, they are happy to travel to other relatives 1+ hours, or down south for 4 hours each way. Before they have told us they don't want the baby to stress out in the car which we understand, but this journey would not include DSiL or baby.

Because of this we've had to ask around if any friends could give us a ride, one friend from the Midlands even offered to drive up and collect us from DSiL's house on the Sunday, which is a silly offer imo; he shouldn't have to do that.
I don't think we're CF when it comes to favours from drivers. Barely any of our local friends drive, we walk where possible or catch taxis for further afield. DSiL and DP have helped us out before when moving house but otherwise we don't ask. When my DH told DSiL he was planning to get driving lessons in the new year, she responded 'Do you know how much a car costs to run, though? You can't afford a car.' Which is odd to me as she seems frustrated that we can't easily visit but begrudges us trying to make it easier? Also, we can afford a car if we're sensible about it, which we plan to be.

So, sorry for the long winded post. But AIBU to think DSiL's DP could pick us up/drop us home next weekend?

YANBU at all. Tbh I wouldn't be putting myself out to visit people who refuse to visit my home in case their baby gets bored, and who wouldn't even pick me up from the station when I'd made the effort to travel to them despite chronic illness. They just don't sound that bothered about seeing you, otherwise they would do their best to make things easier for you.

I don't think they are unreasonable for not collecting you. It's your responsibility to get to where you want to be.

@Oysterbabe, so no consideration when someone has extra needs such as illness?

@pasanda, that is what I am thinking too (and chronically ill myself so biased) but was trying to see the side of the parents with a young child. 40 minutes drive away even there and back over two days really doesn't seem far when the other person is ill.

I don't question OP having additional needs, but assuming that the SIL & BIL can/must help isn't really on. If there's been no real communication since April, no one knows what is going on in their lives.

If you can't go there, and they can't come to you, the visit won't happen. It's a shame, but hopefully you'll be able to make other arrangements soon.

Does it matter if it isn't their responsibilty to collect OP? What happened to just being kind and helpful to your family? A couple of 40 minute drives once a year to the people you are expecting to raise your child if anything happens to you isn't too much to ask, especially when one of them has health problems and you have refused to visit their home.

How did you get there the other two times in the last year?

Your op made it very clear you didn't want to spend £60 on train tickets so close to Christmas and it would cost less if they drove and you paid petrol. If you've said that to them then and only later said you can't manage the train they might think you're making excuses.

If BIL has refused to collect you from the station I think that possibly indicates that actually they don't want you to visit. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but I can't think why else he'd not collect you from the station. I think they assumed you would not use public transport for all the reasons you have already pointed out and have now come a bit unstuck when you have said you will.

If you are in receipt of PIP or classed as disabled you can apply for a disabled person's rail card for £10. This saves you and a carer (DP) 1/3 off rail fares. A bit off track (ha) but useful to know.

@justcallme yeah yeah, back near the start I gave a number of options which I know are available as ppl close to me have used them. OP hadn't commented on any of them, certainly hadn't said bil wouldn't pick them up from the station. If OP really wanted to visit, you'd think there'd be a bit of a compromise, which I was suggesting. Apparently this wasn't worth considering or commenting on though, even though taking control and planning for different possible difficult situations is a recognised strategy for managing anxiety. And then being told OP wants to shut the thread down because she's done with it??

I have full sympathy for anyone struggling with additional needs, but everyone I know currently and have known in the past has put some effort into overcoming difficult situations themselves and tried not to rely on others or assume help. That's why I gave suggestions and encouraged OP to consider them. But it seems the only option OP will consider is door to door chauffeuring on each occasion.

Sorry you feel this powerless OP, you said you had been having treatment for anxiety for years, keep on.

Though it's probably not a good idea to become solely reliant on dh for help right now (you appear to be against accepting help from station staff who are much more useful than dh in this situation) as you will probably feel much more anxious when you need help from others in the future.

Every person needs are different. I tried to do everything myself, book disability assistance etc , and did for a while, though I paid for it phyiscally. However, my health became too severe to use public transport eventually. Sometimes a person's health becomes too bad. Only the OP knows how feasible public transport is and if it's not and the bil and sil say they can't help with collecting then it has to be accepted this trip cannot happen.

OP, I know you are finished with the thread, I just want to say I am sorry that you are so unwell, and try not to stress over it. Maybe you can all have video chats together until a time to visit can be worked out.

If they really want you to come to see them then I don't think it is unreasonable to ask if they can collect you and take you home given your health issues. We want FIL to come for Christmas and in order to do this DH will need to do a 5 hour round trip on Christmas Eve and another 5 hour round trip on Boxing Day. 40 minutes each way is nothing. If they can't do this for you then they obviously are not really bothered about seeing you.

I think your BIL is being an arse, quite frankly. 40 mins drive is nothing. It's normal for so many people to do that regularly. I travel 45 mins each way 3 times a week so my DC can see their grandparents who for various reasons can't travel.

I'd suggest they come to you again, or leave it.

Sorry you're in this situation OP.

I dont think YABU. Why on earth can they not make the effort to travel to you - have they ever visited you (even before the child was born?) or do they always expect you to go to them?

If your flat really isnt suitable, then maybe they drive and meet you somewhere to have a meal? Having a 1yo is not easy, but I suspect that it's infinitely easier than having the disabilities you have.

As for the driving, well DH and I do longer than that on daily commutes, and hours at a time for site visits. Even taking DD to her weekend job takes 20-25mins.

They sound utterly selfish. Post the presents and leave it at that. If they want to see you they will come, but I suspect they wont.

Gosh you sound like my sister and I can see how your in laws are completely exhausted.

My sister asked to visit me and DChild... it then transpired she was wanting me to drive a 3 hour round trip to collect her and again to drop her off “as she has panic attacks on public transport”. She hasn’t got on a bus since 2000, she won’t even try. “Oh I can’t walk to the bus stop, my ankle/knee hurts, I get panicky”. In holiday in 2003 she got out of breath from walking around the zoo and said “I need water” then pretended to hyperventilate and put herself on the floor. She does have some disabilities but her neediness and behaviours are just exhausting and they aren’t relating to her disabilities, it’s because her behaviour has been enabled by my mother (which is another story!),

Now I’m not saying that you exaggerate your illness, but it’s more the constant excuses about why you can’t make your own way there. How do you know you would faint on public transport if you don’t use it? And wouldn’t your DP be with you? So even if you did faint there is someone to look after you. You could get a taxi to the train station, you could use a wheelchair in the train station. People with disabilities use public transport every day, make it work for you.

You have to understand that your in laws have a young baby now and they need to prioritise the baby and not you. I’ve only just started driving to the area my sister lives in and my child is nearly 5, because until 6 months ago my child vomited and cried on long car journeys. You have no idea why they are unwilling to give you a lift. Just accept it and make your own way there. As an adult it’s not so good to be dependant on others.

Just accept it and make your own way there

FFS - why should she? Why cant they come and see her? They are not disabled, they have transport, why on this planet can they not get off their arses and visit Op and her DH? Even if they don't think the flat is suitable, maybe discuss going for a meal.

Do you ever visit your sister Fruit, or just insist that she always comes to you, like Ops SIL is doing, regardless of how hard it is for your sister? It is one thing if your sister is insisting she visit you, but in Ops instance it sounds like the SIL is not willing to consider visiting her, and never has done, so why should Op always go to such lengths to see them?

I love driving and drive a lot. I have relatives I love to see near where I grew up. Have always called in when visiting mum. Invited them here many times but they not made any effort to come. Mum died almost 2 yrs ago, I am now thinking why should I always go to see them, if they not interested in coming to us? They visited other family a lot further away for a day last Christmas, so its not that they wont or cant travel.

FFS - why should she? Why cant they come and see her?

Because they have a 1 year old baby!

I didn’t see my sister very often for 5 years - I remember going to see her 3 times in this time. My child vomited repetitively in the car until 6 months ago, they didn’t go anywhere that was more than an hour away for that reason. So I made an effort to drive and see my sister and my other relatives when my partner had spare annual leave and could look after our child whilst I went away. Now my child can travel I’ve taken them to see her. But the onus is on my adult sister to make an effort to see the 5 year old and not the other way around I’m afraid.

I wouldn't go. He won't even pick you up from the station, That says a lot.

Because they have a one year old baby!!

So fucking what!!!

Jesus Christ, that is just the most ridiculous excuse.

@FruitCider are you understanding that OP's sister is the one pushing for OP to come and visit her?

If the sister doesn't want to visit OP or doesn't want to collect her, that's fine, but then it's not on to be guilt tripping OP into visiting her.

Your situation with your sister is different to OP's so I think you are projecting.

But the onus is on my adult sister to make an effort to see the 5 year old and not the other way around I’m afraid.

Surely the onus is on you and your sister to visit eachother.

Saying that the onus is not on your 5yo is disingenuous, no one is expecting a 5 yo to make the effort

A 1 year old does not prevent you visiting people! "Not child friendly" is just a ridiculous excuse for them not to go. My 1 year old goes all over the place and we adapt!

@katzensocken - I think it can be normal for new parents to want to see people in their own home with baby's stuff close at hand.

Why don't you get a wheelchair so that you don't need to worry about public transport and your legs and reduce the amount you spend on Christmas presents to alleviate the cost of the public transport?

Surely the onus is on you and your sister to visit eachother.

Me and my sister do see each other, the problem is it’s only ever me that does the travelling!

I could well be projecting, however even though the situations are different the attitude appears the same, in the sense that both the op and my sister appear to make excuses. I expect that the in laws frustrations are the same as my own. Though I do think refusing to get the OP from the train station is mean. If my sister ever decided to get the train and come and stay with me in my home (which I would love), I would either fetch her or pay for her taxi!