AIBU? Christmas travel

[katzensocken]

Hi there, long time lurker but I finally made an account since I have a situation to post about. Genuinely looking for opinions on who is BU.

DSiL had a baby (DN) last year. DH and I love him to bits even though we haven't seen him a lot. I've seen him three times since he was born and DH has seen him a couple times more. DSiL and her DP have previously asked us to be legal guardians of DN. This meant a lot to us as I have fertility problems myself and may not be able to conceive a child of my own. DN is now just over one year old.

Travel situation, before I get into the rest of it: I suffer from chronic illness and mobility issues. We don't have a car yet, my DH is learning to drive early next year (previously we didn't need one, as I was physically well and we used public transport quite easily). Train and bus journeys are very difficult for me, and anxiety about my physical symptoms makes it worse. Car journeys are a little better, just because I can sit and not worry about my legs giving way when I have to walk from point A to B.

Last year we spent Xmas at DSiL's large house, just us and them, it was very pleasant. DSiL's DP picked us up in the car and dropped us back. We live 40 mins car journey away, further on the train.

For the past year DSiL has been reluctant to visit us or let us visit them unless we can make our own way. They know my mobility and health issues, but we also understand they are busy and tired with baby so we have never demanded they visit. A couple of months ago, around DN's 1st birthday, they were planning to visit us for the day but DSiL later said our apartment was now too small (DN getting bigger and bored easily) and not child safe. We have some clutter but are not untidy, especially when people visit. Our flat is always clean and we are more than aware of how to make things child safe. Nothing dangerous or delicate would be in reach. Fair enough though, we let her have that opinion even while reassuring her it was fine.

For this Xmas, they are spending actual Xmas with other family, which is cool and we don't mind. But they wanted us to visit next weekend for gift exchange and things. We did consider the train but my health has been atrocious recently and when we looked at tickets, it's over 60 pounds, not an amount we can spare with Xmas looming. So we told them this, but they still want us to visit, asking us to reconsider. We said it would be much easier for us if DSiL's DP could drive the 40 mins in the car to collect us, and 40 mins back on the Sunday. We would be glad to pay for fuel costs, as this would be much cheaper than train tickets. We just really want to see DN if possible. They refused and insisted we find another way, saying the drive is too long. For reference, they are happy to travel to other relatives 1+ hours, or down south for 4 hours each way. Before they have told us they don't want the baby to stress out in the car which we understand, but this journey would not include DSiL or baby.

Because of this we've had to ask around if any friends could give us a ride, one friend from the Midlands even offered to drive up and collect us from DSiL's house on the Sunday, which is a silly offer imo; he shouldn't have to do that.
I don't think we're CF when it comes to favours from drivers. Barely any of our local friends drive, we walk where possible or catch taxis for further afield. DSiL and DP have helped us out before when moving house but otherwise we don't ask. When my DH told DSiL he was planning to get driving lessons in the new year, she responded 'Do you know how much a car costs to run, though? You can't afford a car.' Which is odd to me as she seems frustrated that we can't easily visit but begrudges us trying to make it easier? Also, we can afford a car if we're sensible about it, which we plan to be.

So, sorry for the long winded post. But AIBU to think DSiL's DP could pick us up/drop us home next weekend?

[pasanda]

Running - but they're not ' new ' parents, are they

[ReanimatedSGB]

It actually sounds like two precious, self-obsessed whinyarses. Or two people who have genuine physical/mental health problems but can't cope with the idea that other people might be struggling too.
Sometimes people who have health issues forget that they are not the only person in the world who has difficulty travelling or fulfilling social obligations, and that other people might have problems or priorities other than accomodating the one group member who makes the most noise about their specialness.
For instance: OP won't use public transport in case she pukes, but expects family members to just not mind because faaaaaaamly if she pukes in their cars...

[Violletta]

j have a family member who will only visit when someone will drive her, she has a car, she drives herself to the shops, but won't drive a little further to visit me

then gets the arseache because I don't visit...

[pasanda]

Violetta. Totally different to the OP's position. So irrelevant.

[Dutch1e]

In case you pop back in OP, for your health problems and no, you weren't being unreasonable. You were being pushed to visit AND being pushed to shoulder all the difficulties of the trip.

Perhaps this situation also indicates that this is a good time to rethink being possible guardians to your DN. If the worst should happen (touch wood it doesn't) will the demands of caring for a small child be a bit much for you?

[zeezeek]

There are a number of replies here that smack of disablism. But as long as the parents of a small child aren't inconvenienced, hey.

[FruitCider]

There are a number of replies here that smack of disablism. But as long as the parents of a small child aren't inconvenienced, hey.

If you call suggesting work arounds and mutual effort disablism, then sure. People aren’t disabled by their conditions, they are disabled by the furniture and attitude of society eg no ramps on platforms at train stations because its presumed someone in a wheelchair isn’t capable of getting a train. Whilst many physical barriers have been removed societal attitude remains the same, it’s believed that people with disabilities are incapable of living independent lives, which becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. And I speak as someone who also has a disability, which makes your statement quite ironic really.

[cheminotte]

If you book assistance for the train, a ramp is provided. It's normally stored on the train on or on the wall of the platform. But it's not as easy to just turn up as most people can.

[Nightshirt]

@Fruitcider, before I became fully bedridden with severe ME there was equipment I could use to help me mobilise such as a wheelchair which I did use on public trains. However,, there is no really good equipment that will help with my need to be in very quiet surroundings due to noise sensivity, light sensitivity, brain struggling to process visual movement and smells. If I am exposed to too much sensory input my physical symptoms all get worse. Sensory sensitivity is very common in ME due to neurological dysfunction. So as my health was deteriorating further journeys by train using disability assistance and my wheelchair still wiped me out and increased my pain. I did take ear plugs and a mask but they don't cancel noise out enough for example. At this stage a journey by car which is quieter helped me a be a bit less wiped out but eventually I came too ill to travel by car too. So my own experience shows some conditions public transport can make a person worse.

[scaryteacher]

I think the bil is being mean. I'm just back from a trip to the UK to collect my Mum from the far-ish SW, and ds from uni near London, for Christmas. Dh will drive for the return after Christmas, where it will be in excess of 12 hours on one day, and about 10 on the next. 40 minutes used to be my one way daily commute when I was in UK, and I used to stick ds in the car when he was a baby and drive 3.5 hours one way to visit the pils and my Mum.

[HopingForSomeSnow]

Your BIL sounds like an arse. He won't even pick you up from the station?? Tbh OP I wouldn't even bother.
Me neither. Stay at home, enjoy your xmas without all this stress.

[Allthecoolkids]

You’ve had all year to work up to this though. To work on just being able to get to the station. Being able to cope with sitting on the platform. Trying a train journey of one step, at a quiet time, with your DH there.

But you haven’t. You seem content in your tiny world. And that’s your right, but what isn’t your right is to demand everyone else dance around you.

I think your in laws have had enough of facilitating this helplessness on your part, and I can see why.

You can have more than this. Many Ill, anxious, disabled people have to face these issues. You can take tiny steps towards opening up the world again. You’re the only one that can do that though.

[Cantuccit]

@Allthecoolkids

Are you reading the same thread? It's OP's sister hassling her to visit and not taking no for an answer. OP isn't hassling her SIL/BIL to pick them up.

All OP is saying is that if they want them to visit so bad (and bear in mind the SIL hasn't visited OP because her flat is too small) then they could pick them up.

[hereitis]

It’s not the OP’s sister. It’s the OP’s husband’s sister. I suspect this is not irrelevant.

[Cantuccit]

Is that to me? I said SIL twice and sister once by mistake.

I don't think it is relevant, except it sounds like OP doesn't have her own siblings, as she is so excited about her husband's niece.

[hereitis]

I think it is as I suspect a blood relative would be more sympathetic about how she is feeling (perhaps not!) I also think it’s relevant as I think the actual brother should visit his sister alone more often since it’s hard for his wife to go.