AIBU? Christmas travel

[katzensocken]

Hi there, long time lurker but I finally made an account since I have a situation to post about. Genuinely looking for opinions on who is BU.

DSiL had a baby (DN) last year. DH and I love him to bits even though we haven't seen him a lot. I've seen him three times since he was born and DH has seen him a couple times more. DSiL and her DP have previously asked us to be legal guardians of DN. This meant a lot to us as I have fertility problems myself and may not be able to conceive a child of my own. DN is now just over one year old.

Travel situation, before I get into the rest of it: I suffer from chronic illness and mobility issues. We don't have a car yet, my DH is learning to drive early next year (previously we didn't need one, as I was physically well and we used public transport quite easily). Train and bus journeys are very difficult for me, and anxiety about my physical symptoms makes it worse. Car journeys are a little better, just because I can sit and not worry about my legs giving way when I have to walk from point A to B.

Last year we spent Xmas at DSiL's large house, just us and them, it was very pleasant. DSiL's DP picked us up in the car and dropped us back. We live 40 mins car journey away, further on the train.

For the past year DSiL has been reluctant to visit us or let us visit them unless we can make our own way. They know my mobility and health issues, but we also understand they are busy and tired with baby so we have never demanded they visit. A couple of months ago, around DN's 1st birthday, they were planning to visit us for the day but DSiL later said our apartment was now too small (DN getting bigger and bored easily) and not child safe. We have some clutter but are not untidy, especially when people visit. Our flat is always clean and we are more than aware of how to make things child safe. Nothing dangerous or delicate would be in reach. Fair enough though, we let her have that opinion even while reassuring her it was fine.

For this Xmas, they are spending actual Xmas with other family, which is cool and we don't mind. But they wanted us to visit next weekend for gift exchange and things. We did consider the train but my health has been atrocious recently and when we looked at tickets, it's over 60 pounds, not an amount we can spare with Xmas looming. So we told them this, but they still want us to visit, asking us to reconsider. We said it would be much easier for us if DSiL's DP could drive the 40 mins in the car to collect us, and 40 mins back on the Sunday. We would be glad to pay for fuel costs, as this would be much cheaper than train tickets. We just really want to see DN if possible. They refused and insisted we find another way, saying the drive is too long. For reference, they are happy to travel to other relatives 1+ hours, or down south for 4 hours each way. Before they have told us they don't want the baby to stress out in the car which we understand, but this journey would not include DSiL or baby.

Because of this we've had to ask around if any friends could give us a ride, one friend from the Midlands even offered to drive up and collect us from DSiL's house on the Sunday, which is a silly offer imo; he shouldn't have to do that.
I don't think we're CF when it comes to favours from drivers. Barely any of our local friends drive, we walk where possible or catch taxis for further afield. DSiL and DP have helped us out before when moving house but otherwise we don't ask. When my DH told DSiL he was planning to get driving lessons in the new year, she responded 'Do you know how much a car costs to run, though? You can't afford a car.' Which is odd to me as she seems frustrated that we can't easily visit but begrudges us trying to make it easier? Also, we can afford a car if we're sensible about it, which we plan to be.

So, sorry for the long winded post. But AIBU to think DSiL's DP could pick us up/drop us home next weekend?

[Thetreesareallgone]

Apologies that you wanted out of this discussion- I was still rambling on. Great that you have a solution for half way, let's hope you can get there as I'm sure your DN will be so pleased to see you.

[TheFairyCaravan]

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

We live rurally, DH has an 1hr 15min commute daily. I attend a hospital 1.5hrs away. Next weekend we’re, or DH will if I’m not feeling up to it (I’m in a similar situation to you OP) going to pick DS2 up from uni 2.5hrs away. We’ll do it in one day and DH will go to work the following day.

I can’t understand why they would be so petty over a journey. Then must know you’re ill. It makes no sense to me.

[katzensocken]

@Thetrees, thank you for the kind message. I am both physically and mentally unable to cope with the train journey, and am very aware of this.

I visit my doctor about once a month and I tell them the realities of how much I can go out, etc. They just tell me to keep taking my meds and do what I'm doing (small steps outside, walks etc). I am on a waiting list for further therapy. I am in the middle of an additional diagnosis for ME, alongside my established illness, but they are not sure whether ME is a culprit yet, I've just had some tests to rule other things out.

Rest assured I'm dealing with all this as best I can and not denying my mental health problems. I just take it one day at a time, but I am not in denial about it and recognize my anxiety is a big part of this.

[katzensocken]

@Thetrees, don't worry! I am glad for the insight, I just don't want to go round in circles when there isn't a clear solution that we can all agree on. I feel like the problems have been identified so I'll work on it all from here. : )

[Fitbitironic]

What a good friend, to let you know he can go out of his way to chauffeur you around at 23.40 in the evening. Still no input from you on the taxi/assistance at station/bil from station... Wonder why?...

[katzensocken]

@Fitbit, as I already said, I want to halt this discussion.

I don't want assistance at the station. My DH can assist me. But being there will give me a panic attack, in turn making me sick in public. Not something I would like to experience again.

BiL won't pick us up from the station.

And we had already had our friend offer a few nights ago. I told him no initially, he just asked if we are sure.

[MidniteScribbler]

I think that non drivers don't always understand the impact that they can have on drivers. I had a friend who didn't drive, and always expected people to drive to him and pick him up. He even rang me to ask what time I would be picking him up to take him to my own wedding (umm no!). If you are unable, or unwilling to drive, then you need to take responsibility for getting yourself places, even if it does cost you money.

[Justcallmecaptainobvious]

Give it a rest Fitbit, OP has confirmed that she has anxiety which she's working on but affected by. If you can't see why arranging two taxis, four lots of assistance, two train journeys and two lifts might be problematic for someone with anxiety then the problem is yours, not hers!

[katzensocken]

@Justcallme, thank you.

[Nightshirt]

I obviously don't know how your ill health affects you travelling, but my own experience of my symptoms with my chronic illness meant travelling wasn't only difficult (am bedridden now so can't travel) because of obvious physical restrictions such as poor mobility but other invisible but just as disabling symptoms. Therefore, this is me saying I know travelling by public transport can be very taxing for reasons not always clear to those with good health. I have severe M.E and am very noise sensitive, also some light sensitivity. When I could travel the increased noise, light and movement drained me even when using a wheelchair to help with my very limited walking.

I wish you well in finding a solution that works for you all.

[Witchend]

plus if I do vomit, it's not inconveniencing anyone I think the driver might feel fairly inconvenienced, especially if there's any clearing up to do.

[Nightshirt]

To add to above, when I refer to above the time I could still travel a little, this was when I was mainly housebound but the few times I did travel and go by wheelchair and and book disability assistance the unseen problems of public transport were just as problematic than needing to use a wheelchair for more than walking 20 yards. In fact the poor walking was the easiest to deal with as I could use my wheelchair.

[cestlavielife]

For two together railcard you.both need to be over 16 which you are
So you could get this rail card and save one third on rail fares
www.twotogether-railcard.co.uk

Have you also applied for PIP?

[Viviennemary]

I sympathise with your situation. But it really is a big ask to expect people to drive 40 mins to your house pick you up drive back, and then do the same thing the next day. Especially in this bad weather. I think they should visit you occasionally and the cluttered flat excuse is a bit feeble of them.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Neither of us qualify for a railcard!"

You might qualify for a Disabled Person's Railcard if you receive any benefits or mobility allowances as a result of your mobility and health issues.

If you did qualify for a Disabled Person's Railcard, your DH can travel with you receiving the same reductions.

If you do not qualify for a Disabled Person's Railcard, you and your DH do qualify for a Two Together Railcard, also offering the same travel reductions.

[starzig]

Maybe your Sils partner is planning on having a few drinks, in which case he may not be legal to drive Sunday

[ReanimatedSGB]

I think perhaps you are failing to understand that they have a baby, and babies do make a big difference to people's lives. Something which was no trouble, or not much trouble, before the baby can feel like an enormous burden when there is a baby to deal with. If the baby doesn't sleep well, then both BIL and SIL are likely to be permanently tired. SIL may also have PND and not feel able to manage the journey.
Yes, it's hard and miserable when you have a chronic illness, particularly one which has both physical and mental components. But, at the same time, that doesn't mean you can just expect your illness to be everyone else's priority/problem, and for people to go a long way out of their way to accommodate you.

[Nightshirt]

I agree with a chronic illness you can't just expect everyone to drop everything to accommodate your needs, especially if they have young children, but equally if you are too unwell to travel and the others can't come to you for their own reasons the outcome has to be less contact. So if a solution that can be found to suit all that would be great.

However, the OP doesnt live hours away from the SIL and it doesn't sound she has been expecting frequent lifts from them. The OP has extra needs and the sil and bil with a baby have too. OP good luck.

[TeeBee]

There's a simple solution...just don't go. Tell her you'll come when you have a car.
I've just been asked to pick up a family member on a similar length trip and she has a car, just doesn't want to drive. It's a pain in the arse but seeing them and getting the family together is more important than making a point in my opinion. Life is just too short to get caught up in nit picking.

[Sukistinks]

Are you entitled to a disabled adults railcard? These discount fares by a third for the card holder and one other person travelling with the card holder.

Perhaps borrowing a wheelchair from red Cross could help too?

I used to have debilitating travel anxiety (many years ago) and my GP prescribed 2 to 4 beta blockers for any long journey, that actually got me well and truly past the travel problems.

I wouldn't like to say if either of you are being unreasonable, but I but hope you can find a good solution.

[Ragwort]

I think it is just one of those things when you have to accept that you won't be able to visit this Christmas, no point stressing over it. Travel can be very tiring and exhausting, I can go years without seeing family members - despite us all driving and living within 2 hours of each other .

[pasanda]

Your BIL sounds like an arse. He won't even pick you up from the station?? Tbh OP I wouldn't even bother.

[pasanda]

Some of you lot sound so bloody precious. Having one fifteen month (ish) child should really not stop one of its parents driving 40 mins!

[Roussette]

Why won't BIL pick you up from the station if he's been happy to do a 1.5hour round trip twice before? What has actually happened for him to say this?

[zeezeek]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Life does go on when you have a small child and people in your life who needed help before that child was born, still need help now. Whilst it is stressful at time having a young child, it is 100x more stressful and inconvenient having a chronic illness. I have both. The children are much less hassle.

I was also commuting 3hours a day when my eldest was 15 months and that included an hours detour to take my step daughter to school and pick her up.

It does sound like this couple are "those parents"