AIBU? Christmas travel

[katzensocken]

Hi there, long time lurker but I finally made an account since I have a situation to post about. Genuinely looking for opinions on who is BU.

DSiL had a baby (DN) last year. DH and I love him to bits even though we haven't seen him a lot. I've seen him three times since he was born and DH has seen him a couple times more. DSiL and her DP have previously asked us to be legal guardians of DN. This meant a lot to us as I have fertility problems myself and may not be able to conceive a child of my own. DN is now just over one year old.

Travel situation, before I get into the rest of it: I suffer from chronic illness and mobility issues. We don't have a car yet, my DH is learning to drive early next year (previously we didn't need one, as I was physically well and we used public transport quite easily). Train and bus journeys are very difficult for me, and anxiety about my physical symptoms makes it worse. Car journeys are a little better, just because I can sit and not worry about my legs giving way when I have to walk from point A to B.

Last year we spent Xmas at DSiL's large house, just us and them, it was very pleasant. DSiL's DP picked us up in the car and dropped us back. We live 40 mins car journey away, further on the train.

For the past year DSiL has been reluctant to visit us or let us visit them unless we can make our own way. They know my mobility and health issues, but we also understand they are busy and tired with baby so we have never demanded they visit. A couple of months ago, around DN's 1st birthday, they were planning to visit us for the day but DSiL later said our apartment was now too small (DN getting bigger and bored easily) and not child safe. We have some clutter but are not untidy, especially when people visit. Our flat is always clean and we are more than aware of how to make things child safe. Nothing dangerous or delicate would be in reach. Fair enough though, we let her have that opinion even while reassuring her it was fine.

For this Xmas, they are spending actual Xmas with other family, which is cool and we don't mind. But they wanted us to visit next weekend for gift exchange and things. We did consider the train but my health has been atrocious recently and when we looked at tickets, it's over 60 pounds, not an amount we can spare with Xmas looming. So we told them this, but they still want us to visit, asking us to reconsider. We said it would be much easier for us if DSiL's DP could drive the 40 mins in the car to collect us, and 40 mins back on the Sunday. We would be glad to pay for fuel costs, as this would be much cheaper than train tickets. We just really want to see DN if possible. They refused and insisted we find another way, saying the drive is too long. For reference, they are happy to travel to other relatives 1+ hours, or down south for 4 hours each way. Before they have told us they don't want the baby to stress out in the car which we understand, but this journey would not include DSiL or baby.

Because of this we've had to ask around if any friends could give us a ride, one friend from the Midlands even offered to drive up and collect us from DSiL's house on the Sunday, which is a silly offer imo; he shouldn't have to do that.
I don't think we're CF when it comes to favours from drivers. Barely any of our local friends drive, we walk where possible or catch taxis for further afield. DSiL and DP have helped us out before when moving house but otherwise we don't ask. When my DH told DSiL he was planning to get driving lessons in the new year, she responded 'Do you know how much a car costs to run, though? You can't afford a car.' Which is odd to me as she seems frustrated that we can't easily visit but begrudges us trying to make it easier? Also, we can afford a car if we're sensible about it, which we plan to be.

So, sorry for the long winded post. But AIBU to think DSiL's DP could pick us up/drop us home next weekend?

Your dh could still go and see his nephew via public transport?

I get that you want to but you are unable.

Driving isn't taxing, not in 80 minute chunks. It's nothing.

Sounds like they’re not that invested in seeing you. They have a new baby & it sounds like that’s an issue for you. Perhaps you like to feel your health conditions are the priority. Why don’t you use the money you spend on purchasing a mountain of presents for the baby on a taxi fare instead to visit them. You sound illogical & like someone who’s hard work. Perhaps that’s more why they can’t be bothered making an effort to visit or have you visit.

I have walked to nearby destinations
What's the difference between this and walking from a taxi to the train platform?

Thing is with a baby then going anywhere can be a bit of a faff. You need nappies, food/milk, things for them to do, and at just over a year I'll guess they're mobile in which case probably wanting to play with something totally unsuitable, that you haven't even realised they'll like the idea of. It can be quite stressful keeping that age in someone else's house! Probably in some ways the hardest age I found.

If it's 40 minutes driving usually, I'll take a punt and also reckon it'll be longer on Christmas eve. And actually on Christmas eve with a baby who's just beginning to realise it's exciting, it's lovely and lots to do. I wouldn't want to be driving an hour and a half on Christmas Eve with such a lot to do.

I suspect there's an aspect of them feeling "we offered to do it last year as a favour and it was a hassle, they're now expecting it every year"
You may say that your oh will be driving by next year. And he may well. But there's no guarantee that he will-or if he can you'll have a car.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, you just both have different needs. I suspect they don't understand quite how debilitating your illness is, and maybe they're struggling more with their baby than they let on.

I think you need to be really honest about your current state of health, that your condition has flared up and train travel will make it worse. Don't make it about the cost of the ticket.

I think your dh should offer to go alone or they're welcome to come to you but right now you're too ill to travel if not by car.

But yes massively prioritise your dh lessons and car, yes they're expensive but with your condition I think it's worth cutting back elsewhere so you don't become housebound in these situations.

Hope you feel better soon x

Ohyesiam you have no idea how taxing the bil finds driving. Maybe he drives every day and the last thing he wants to do at the weekend is some more. That really is a daft claim to make, everyone is different.

@Jube you're being incredibly rude and personal, you know nothing about me. I don't feel like my health is more important than the baby, but they are an able bodied family and therefore more capable than I am. My DN is not an 'issue,' either. A taxi fare would cost 200 pounds round trip. Our presents for them and the baby amount to less than 100. I'm not 'hard work', I'm chronically ill, it's incurable and constant. For the most part I try to have a normal life but my body likes to say otherwise.

@Fitbit I walk, when I am able. I have no guarantee that I will be able on that day.

I haven't read the whole thread so perhaps you've answered this, but why is sitting in a car for 40 mins any better than sitting on a train for 40 mins? You probably have more room on the train? That doesnt make sense to me and perhaps your relatives are thinking the same?

OP, a wheelchair is often available at train stations for assistance reaching the train.

Why not
Taxi to station
Assistance to platform
Sit in seat
Assistance off train
Bill picks up from station.

If you were going to offer £20+ for petroleum you're not much more out of pocket. Yes, it's more inconvenience for you, but they did it last year. Surely you can manage once this year?

Bil, obviously, don't know who Bill is

@name, I feel safer in a car if I have a fainting episode. I'm in a familiar space, there are no strangers to witness me being sick (plus if I do vomit, it's not inconveniencing anyone). Plus my anxiety is made worse by crowds/busy trains and noise around me.

Bloody hell. My dc's bus to school takes 40 minutes. Sometimes I will drop forgotten homework/PE kit over for them. I drive to my old town to have lunch with friends regularly, and that's about 35 mins away. 40 mins is nothing
I think they are really mean not to offer to come and pick you up, especially since they are being over the top precious about their child visiting your house.
Their baby sounds about 15 months old. I hardly think this would make it difficult for him to come and get you. They've had 15 months to get used to having a child, I'm sure she would cope for just over an hour on her own.
Seriously, I just don't get some people. Mean spirited or what!

Sorry op, what it boils down to is you anticipating a situation which may not arise. You obviously need help addressing this anxiety. That's your major problem here.
Few, my dsis has epilepsy which can be triggered by being hot, she manages her stress at the thought of having a fit (and potentially wetting herself) in front of strangers, and travels into the city every day by train for her job. By herself.

@Fitbit, I do have anxiety, I've been working on it for years, in therapy etc.

That's really inspiring about your sister. I hope to achieve that level of control someday.

If your plans are all sorted with train times, journey to station etc it shouldn't be stressful. I think it comes down to how much you want to visit - if it's important to you then you make the effort and accept its not your preferred mode of transport and it may be difficult for you and more costly than paying someone to take you.

Its not just 40 mins, its 1 hr 20 mins to collect you, then 1 hr 20 mins to take you home again. On the face of it, it isn't that far to drive, but if they're putting you up, they have a new baby, maybe limited time off as a family, not much sleep etc, then yes, you make your own way if you want to go.

I agree with everyone else

Neither of you are BU. Just you have such different needs since your last visit.

I bloody love driving, I have a an hour each way commute and drive quite a bit for my actual job...And I'd still generally jump at the chance of a long drive to somewhere different. BUT probably not near Christmas, the weather is crap, it's dark and it's busy. I'd also be so paranoid about blood alcohol levels the morning after at that time of year I'd not want a drink the night before driving either, so I can see why even a normally willing driver might jib at that journey. Twice. Also they have a small kid, all bets are off. It blows your world apart, and even stuff you did enjoy can be a massive chore.

So I can see why they don't want to do it again.

Also, I can totally see why you can't manage a train journey. I'm able bodied (and a willing driver) but the stress of train journeys (for some odd reason) often triggers migraines in me. And I can feel wiped out for a day or two. I have no idea how these long term train commuters manage it. So yes, you are NBU.

I can only suggest you discuss it kindly with them and explain without blame on either side how bad your health is. They probably have no idea how ill you are.

OP, why not use the plan I outlined above? You can call ahead for reassurance with assistance at the station. Atm you seem unwilling to consider alternatives which actually involve you making any personal effort. The overwhelming tone is that other ppl should arrange everything for you in this situation, which is unreasonable.

It’s not about travelling or money it is entirely about your mental health. If you’re that unwell you need to seriously seek a review of your condition & medication. You obviously cannot identify yourself that this is really the issue. That alone would indicate how unwell you are. YABU by looking to justify this any other way. I hope your DH is aware & able to cope to help you to get the help you need.

I don't think YABU, in my family 2 hours drive would never be an issue, it's could be that they are struggling with small child, but it wasn't child who was supposed to drive. The excuse about your flat being small and not child safe was very strange. It was only for a day and your DN was coming with parents, who could look after his safety and take toys for him so he wouldn't be SO bored. Also the remark about cost of car, etc doesn't sound nice and friendly. So I'm not sure about your relationship in general, it doesn't sound right to me. I'm very sorry about your fertility issues, don't lose hope, never.

We have been the people with the baby and at that age it's hard to time things right with sleeps etc for long car journeys to yours and back. And 3 hours worth of driving for BiL might be an ask if they are up against it time wise like trying to prepare their house for guests, prepare food etc. Sometimes impossible with a baby in tow so BiL would have to do that as well. They are probably knackered at this time of year to be honest. I do feel for you guys though!! Do you think you could do the train journey at maybe mid January when the fares are cheaper and you have the money? A 1 year old won't notice the missed presents! When your OH gets his licence, maybe consider car club for when you need journeys to keep costs down?

They come to you or you taxi to them. Simple.

OK, so the current plan is to have our friend drive us back on the Sunday. We are still sorting the outward journey.

Thanks for the balanced replies everyone. If it's all the same, I'd like to close discussion on this now, I feel like I have a consensus that it's an issue that needs to be dealt with by taking everyone's circumstances into account. I'm definitely not going to demand they give in or anything, I don't want to cause animosity.

Again, I appreciate the input. (Aside from those who just decided to attack my utter selfishness for obviously choosing to be sick and annoying).

I wouldn't put pressure on yourself right now OP for a late notice journey if you haven't traveled by public transport for three years.

Perhaps with your counselor or just between you and your husband, though, you could think about making plans to travel even short distances on a bus or something like that.

I can't quite get to the bottom of whether you are physically unable to travel (given the fatigue) or that mentally you are afraid of doing so. If you haven't traveled since you were taken ill a few years ago, what's the chances you will vomit/faint and so forth? I think it's worth working on this as it does sound like the anxiety that these things will happen is stopping you doing them (e.g. like panic attacks), whereas in reality, the chances of it happening are probably low, you would be with your husband, and even if it did happen, it is not the end of the world (I faint on occasions and it does make you feel panicky but I don't stop putting myself in those situations as I'm terrified once I stop, I won't go back into them).

The alternative for you is a smaller shrinking world, dependent on your husband to drive you places/come with you at all times. That's worth fighting against. You sound like a lovely person with a lot to offer this little niece and their family as an aunt, so it would be a shame if these other problems were to essentially interfere with that (and it will, as it sounds like they are fed up of driving to you which presumably they did on the three prior occasions).