AIBU? Christmas travel

[katzensocken]

Hi there, long time lurker but I finally made an account since I have a situation to post about. Genuinely looking for opinions on who is BU.

DSiL had a baby (DN) last year. DH and I love him to bits even though we haven't seen him a lot. I've seen him three times since he was born and DH has seen him a couple times more. DSiL and her DP have previously asked us to be legal guardians of DN. This meant a lot to us as I have fertility problems myself and may not be able to conceive a child of my own. DN is now just over one year old.

Travel situation, before I get into the rest of it: I suffer from chronic illness and mobility issues. We don't have a car yet, my DH is learning to drive early next year (previously we didn't need one, as I was physically well and we used public transport quite easily). Train and bus journeys are very difficult for me, and anxiety about my physical symptoms makes it worse. Car journeys are a little better, just because I can sit and not worry about my legs giving way when I have to walk from point A to B.

Last year we spent Xmas at DSiL's large house, just us and them, it was very pleasant. DSiL's DP picked us up in the car and dropped us back. We live 40 mins car journey away, further on the train.

For the past year DSiL has been reluctant to visit us or let us visit them unless we can make our own way. They know my mobility and health issues, but we also understand they are busy and tired with baby so we have never demanded they visit. A couple of months ago, around DN's 1st birthday, they were planning to visit us for the day but DSiL later said our apartment was now too small (DN getting bigger and bored easily) and not child safe. We have some clutter but are not untidy, especially when people visit. Our flat is always clean and we are more than aware of how to make things child safe. Nothing dangerous or delicate would be in reach. Fair enough though, we let her have that opinion even while reassuring her it was fine.

For this Xmas, they are spending actual Xmas with other family, which is cool and we don't mind. But they wanted us to visit next weekend for gift exchange and things. We did consider the train but my health has been atrocious recently and when we looked at tickets, it's over 60 pounds, not an amount we can spare with Xmas looming. So we told them this, but they still want us to visit, asking us to reconsider. We said it would be much easier for us if DSiL's DP could drive the 40 mins in the car to collect us, and 40 mins back on the Sunday. We would be glad to pay for fuel costs, as this would be much cheaper than train tickets. We just really want to see DN if possible. They refused and insisted we find another way, saying the drive is too long. For reference, they are happy to travel to other relatives 1+ hours, or down south for 4 hours each way. Before they have told us they don't want the baby to stress out in the car which we understand, but this journey would not include DSiL or baby.

Because of this we've had to ask around if any friends could give us a ride, one friend from the Midlands even offered to drive up and collect us from DSiL's house on the Sunday, which is a silly offer imo; he shouldn't have to do that.
I don't think we're CF when it comes to favours from drivers. Barely any of our local friends drive, we walk where possible or catch taxis for further afield. DSiL and DP have helped us out before when moving house but otherwise we don't ask. When my DH told DSiL he was planning to get driving lessons in the new year, she responded 'Do you know how much a car costs to run, though? You can't afford a car.' Which is odd to me as she seems frustrated that we can't easily visit but begrudges us trying to make it easier? Also, we can afford a car if we're sensible about it, which we plan to be.

So, sorry for the long winded post. But AIBU to think DSiL's DP could pick us up/drop us home next weekend?

[HermionesRightHook]

Actually you do qualify for a railcard - you're travelling together so you can get a Two Together Card, I think it's £30 up front and then you get a third off each fare as long as you're doing the journeys together.

I think a bit of compromise on both sides is important here: why not work out when there are cheap train tickets and do it after Christmas? You'd have time to get a railcard after a pay period then too.

Check with the railway about this but I'm pretty sure that you don't have to hold a railcard at the time of bookign, you just have to have it when you travel.

[Thetreesareallgone]

Train tickets on a regular basis are too much money and just become a sunk cost

Yes, but right now, you don't have a car! So, this is a moot point. The only way to get there is by train.

I often have to get the train as I also have a health condition that means I can't drive half the time. It is expensive and annoying when you could drive yourself there. But I can't. So you have to decide what you can do, not what in an ideal world you would like to do.

It's not a 'sunk cost' to see relatives and a dear little niece. This is a very odd way to look at traveling.

[Msqueen33]

God how mean! My dh has a commute of 40 minutes at least each way. I used to commute and it would take 3 hours a day. I’d do it for family. My parents want us to drive an hour and a half each way with our two children with special needs to a family gathering where our extended family ignore us and we’re left in the corner and the kids are bored. My aunt and uncle are driving four hours in one day to come up to see us. Considering you have a lot of health issues and you don’t ask for lifts a lot it seems unkind.

[BewareOfDragons]

You are being unreasonable. Sorry. While I'm sympathetic that you have mobility issues, it is not their problem to solve and inconvenience themselves for you. It just isn't. It is yours.

If you can't afford the train tix, then tell them sorry, you will make plans to travel to see them in the new year. Buy your train tix early or wait until your DH has sorted out his dirving license and car and plan your visit well ahead.

[JaneEyre70]

I'd be less than impressed with relations that expected to be collected and returned in order to visit us, with a young baby in the house. I think you need to make more of an effort from the signs they are giving you. Family is important, and sometimes you need to put yourself out a little. You sound very regimented around your health needs, but surely your DH and his sister need time together when they've lost their mum this year and Christmas is going to be hard for both of them.

[everybodylovesabosom]

Can you meet half way? Take a train part way and then ask friend or Dsis to collect you from the station? Hopefully would work out cheaper and not so much driving for them.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

It sounds like they were much friendlier and prepared to go more out of their way last year than they have been since.

Has anything happened? Could they, perhaps, feel you haven't put much effort into the relationship and so don't feel like going out of their way for you? With the journey you describe their refusal to pick you up seems a bit mean, but your OP did read a bit to me as though you expected them to go out of their way for your convenience and maybe it comes across to them like that as well?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Could you go by coach? Coach travel is slower but cheaper. (Coaches do have loos, if your health issue involves frequent loo visits).

[INeedNewShoes]

I think that if you've been reliant on lifts in the past then it's not fair to not be willing to spend £60 on train tickets this once.

Even if your DM buys you a car you are going to be spending at least £100 a month all in on insurance, MOTs, servicing and fuel so I can see that your SIL would wonder how the heck you think you're going to afford a car if you can't find £60 to make a much wanted train trip.

[katzensocken]

I feel like I should have clarified more about my chronic illness. It causes moderate pain (abdominal, muscular, joint), some days severe, nausea and digestive issues, extreme fatigue. It's hugely exacerbated by stress and anxiety, so a train journey would make it worse, possibly push me into a fainting episode. This can be a problem when I have plans, because when I get to the destination, I'm too sick to do anything else but sleep. The car made this all much easier last time and I was able to enjoy Xmas because I had no worries about train times, money, getting from station to station. The point is not wanting to spend 60 pounds on a journey that will likely ruin the weekend for me.

I will consider the railcard for the future if we begin to use the train again, but right now we would be spending 30 upfront to save a third, which kind of negates the initial saving.

[Jubejube1]

It sounds like mental health issues are stopping you using public transport. My dad is 89 & we can manage him easily on public transport despite the fact that he’s frail & can’t walk very much at all.i definitely think you’re being unreasonable expecting them to pick you up & drop you off. Get a grip & get some help with your health issues. It sounds as if they’re becoming intolerant & impatient with your inability to travel to see them.

[JaneEyre70]

If you are too unwell to leave the house OP, why doesn't your DH go? It sounds terrible that he's not seen his sister since their mothers funeral in April..... she must feel very sidelined by him if you're not that far away.

[Saltandsauce]

Oh my gosh, how mean they’re being! You’re family, I don’t get why driving 40 mins each way is a big deal! I would do that in a heartbeat if it meant my family, who clearly suffer from ill health, could celebrate an early Christmas with me! I actually just don’t understand how they can be so horrible. So sorry op :(

Although I don’t understand the legal guardian bit, is that just if something were to happen to them, you would look after DN?
Xx

[katzensocken]

@Jube, I think that's incredible unfair of you to say. I am in treatment for my depression and anxiety, I take medication, I work every day to get out of the house and take short walks to keep myself as health as possible. I don't need to 'get a grip.' I am doing what I can. If anything, I could be just as impatient with them for making excuses not to see us.

@Jane, DH is not super close with his sister, but he tries. He doesn't have much time to go and visit, and when he/we have offered in the past year, she has always said they are too busy.

[INeedNewShoes]

It's really hard having a longterm health condition, but I think over time it can also wear family and friends down if there is always an expectation that they will be the ones to put themselves out to make things as easy as possible for the person with health problems.

I had a good friend who has a medical condition which makes things harder for her than most people. For years everything was arranged for her convenience at everyone else's expense (in time and effort as well as cost). I stopped doing this when I realised that for years it was always me going to see her or meeting her at her specified time and place because of her health issues but then she was all of a sudden perfectly capable of going on a two week trip to the US for a holiday. I know that might sound harsh but I say that as someone who also has a medical condition which is severe when it flares up but I've always pushed myself to do as much as I could even when I was having flare ups.

[KERALA1]

If you are stressing about £60 don't get a car! Our decent car just failed mot that's £1500 gone. Tax, insurance, things will go wrong.

[Thetreesareallgone]

OP it sounds then like both of you have had things in the past year that have rocked your worlds. They had a baby. This is simply the most exhausting and overwhelming experience ever. It sounds like they have decided to stay put as that's all they can cope with right now. That might be the case for a year or more.

Equally, you have had a difficult year, with anxiety, depression and another chronic illness as well. You now hate traveling on public transport.

I would just be honest. Instead of both blaming each other for not being able to just get up and drive/take the train, be honest and tell them you feel too ill to travel right now, you love them to bits, can't wait to see them but it'll probably be New Year or when your partner/husband has learned to drive, which may be another 6 months or more.

In return, I think you have to accept they feel like traveling to get you about as much as you feel able to travel to them- not much at all.

Stop making excuses about money, and trains being so tiring, and just be honest that it's beyond you right now. They may well not realise at all how much you are compromised health-wise, they probably think you will just be a bit tired, not that you will be bed-ridden all weekend if the journey is exhausting.

If you are very nice about this, then you don't strain the bond there- I'd also consider your partner/husband going alone before Xmas, and then you all going together afterwards.

[Fitbitironic]

I have sympathy for your health and mobility problems, OP, however, feel YABU.

So you suffered these problems last xmas and bil picked you up/ dropped you back, yet it's taking over a year to decide your dh is going to learn to drive? You've obviously used public transport in the meantime, why not on this occasion?

IME train stations have disabled access (eg lift as well as stairs) and staff are able to assist. If you take your time getting there can't you manage? It may be more difficult than getting picked up and chauffeured all the way, but if you book tickets (and if you can afford a car $60 is not a ruinous sum once a year) you will have a seat and be able to sit the rest of the way. Unless there are numerous changes.
Taxi to station, ask bil for a lift from station to theirs, which will be a lot easier and more convenient for him. Tbh, I wouldn't be happy about it being assumed I would be chauffeuring family around at xmas, at that stage we were still sleeping badly with DC and were v tired. A long round trip which isn't totally necessary would not be welcomed. They're already putting you up, the extra inconvenience seems a bit cheeky on top.

[YesThisIsMe]

When your DN does next visit you then I would recommend a trip to your local library to borrow your maximum number of toddler books (at my local library that would be 30 between me and DH!) and visit charity shop/freecycle/poundshop for attractive toys for the appropriate age group - I know you’re on a budget but it shouldn’t cost too much. It sounds silly but when my DC were that age group it made visits to family and friends sooooo much easier if I knew there were going to be “new” exciting toys for the DC to play with and books to read with them (normally things from the attic left over from previous children). It shows thought on our part and also stops them trying to play cricket with the ornaments.

[Petalflowers]

The railcard may be £30 initially, but if you do a few train trips, it soon pays off.

A coach is a good suggestion as an alternative. My mum uses them all,the time, for quite long journeys. Try National Express or Megabus.

[hereitis]

I think your dh should visit his sister sometimes alone. I often see my family without dh and it would solve a lot of your issues.
I think £20 is too little for 4x40 mins driving (and I don’t know any journeys were it’s exactly the same time each way and on different days. They should be helpful too but I think your expectations are very high.

[katzensocken]

@Thetrees. Thank you for the thoughtful response. I got a bit frustrated up there, but the fact is I still see both sides and want to work it out (ot let it go if it means less stress for both parties).

Admittedly I have been upset because we weren't able to see DN for his 1st birthday, and we still have presents from then that we need to give (we offered to send them, but DSiL told us to keep them until we see them). At this rate we will have a mountain of toys to give the little one (I'm sure he won't complain though).

I don't mean to fight about this with them or cause a rift, so we'll just see how it goes in the next week.

In the meantime, whatever happens I will focus on DH's upcoming driving lessons and my own health, trying to keep my strength up. If I have a good month or so I might be able to chance the train soon.

Again, thanks for everyone's responses, I do appreciate a lot of the honesty and I feel like as a family we can try and work out some kind of compromise.

[Ironmanrocks]

Why don't you pick a half way point and meet there in a pub for lunch? Its less pressure for both parties then and you all get to relax and have pressies over food you don't have to cook.

[hereitis]

See, if someone “offered to send” presents to my dc I would tell them not to bother but I’d think they should just send them anyway. You are understandably caught up in your world but they have their own world, friends, baby, bereavement to deal with. You aren’t and can’t expect to be their priority.
Can you not get help with travel since your illness sounds like it would meet a legal disability definition.

[katzensocken]

@Fitbit, my DH has planned to drive for a long time but it hasn't become a possibility for us until recently, with my DM offering to help us out buying a car and with lessons.

I have not been using public transport in the meantime. I haven't been on a train or bus in years. The last time was when I lived abroad in 2014 before I was hospitalized, unless you count the plane I had to catch to get back to the UK. I have walked to nearby destinations, or got a taxi since then.