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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I was just rude and unreasonable - how can I stop? :-(

158 replies

Auvergne · 08/12/2017 09:04

I certainly wasn't raised to be rude to people.

I was in Tesco, at the self service, and was juggling everything and dropped something. No harm done. The sales assistant ran over making "squawky" noises and it really irritated me, I think because it made people turn and look which always flustered me.

So I (rudely) snapped, "All right, I dropped something, is there really any need to be so dramatic?"

This happened a lot when I was younger. I found myself being confrontational, surly and generally unpleasant in interactions with random people and it is starting to happen again now quite a bit.

Has anyone ever managed to successfully stamp this out of their character?

OP posts:

ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/12/2017 12:07

What did the shop assistant actually do? I don't know what squawking would entail besides an actual chicken impression.

Roussette · 08/12/2017 12:08

But surely Pax that's something between you and an old acquaintance. If you weren't old acquaintances I doubt she would've said that

I just think we should cut those in these sort of jobs a bit of slack

JacquesHammer · 08/12/2017 12:12

Hmm. i've never met anyone who alsays rhey don't suffer fools gladly who wasn't totally obnoxious. Goes with "I say what I think" and "Take me as you find me".....

I don't say either of those

For me it's a case of distancing myself from said fool rather than being rude: or simply dealing with them politely.

My last assistant before I quit law was 30 years older than me with a massive chip on her shoulder. She used to deliberately type mistakes to "test me" (at her admission) and return letters with "I wouldn't do it this way".

I'd simply say "no thank you, do it as I instructed". Not suffering, not rude

PaxUniversalis · 08/12/2017 12:13

Roussette - But surely Pax that's something between you and an old acquaintance. If you weren't old acquaintances I doubt she would've said that

Oh I know, but she's a person who sometimes says things before she thinks about the effect her words may have on people. That's what she's like. I know she didn't mean to upset me, but it sounded like I was being told off or something. I'd been distracted because my other friend and I were chatting while we were queuing.

Armadillostoes · 08/12/2017 12:17

Some of the people giving the OP a hard time on here are really holier than thou. It does sound as though the shop assistant was annoying people flapping and making a fuss grate on my nerves too. Am not proud of it but they do. BUT the OP knows that she overreacted a bit and feels bad. Why make her feel worse?

@OP my tactics for being less obnoxious are: 1) make myself apologise-the awkwardness of that reminds me that it is easier to be nice in the first place; 2) I imagine how upset I would be if someone I really loved and respect saw me act like a jerk. These things help me to be kinder.

mugginsalert · 08/12/2017 12:23

I do this. I hate letting myself down, and knowing I've made someone else's life that bit more difficult that day. Worse still self preservation often means I vent at people who are in customer facing roles (rather than my boss, for example) so there is an unfair power dynamic there too.

With me it's a sign of stress, and also worse with PMT. It's usually the last straw thing.

I've really had to work at this! One thing that helps me not snap is to distract myself by playing some sort of mental game in the situation. For example I provide David Attenborough type commentary for myself (...the assistant approaches muggins, unaware that they are entering a dangerous situation. Will they escape unscathed?) or I award myself judges scores for picking up the shopping or whatever I'm doing at the time. I'm aware this sounds a bit weird but it works for me as it redirects my mind onto the game instead of focusing on self restraint which doesn't work in the heat of the moment.

If it does happen I apologise and then forgive myself. The two are linked - apologies benefit both parties. I also have learnt to allow myself to feel the irritation/impatience. It's legitimate to feel it but to choose not to express it - this is a skill, and can be learnt.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2017 12:23

My acquaintance said in a loud voice (and everyone could hear): 'Oh, it's YOU. Typical

Wow. You hold a grudge for tiny things for a very long time. 😱

PaxUniversalis · 08/12/2017 12:28

Bluntness100 - oh no, definitely not a grudge, I still like her. I was just taken aback by her shouting. This incident happened a year or so ago not 30 years ago. We've known each other for 30 years or so. She's not a close friend. In fact she's a friend of my parents but she's younger than my parents. I bump into her once or twice a year. I just felt like I was being told off by a school teacher for being a naughty child.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/12/2017 12:28

I don’t think you were rude.

‘All All right, I dropped something, is there really any need to be so dramatic?’

Is fine if she was making a big ridiculous fuss. You didn’t tell her to ‘Shut the fuck up’.

melj1213 · 08/12/2017 12:29

Pax I don't see what the cafe worker did wrong?

Where I work we have regular customers and family and fri3nds regularly come in shaping and we'll have a little chat if it's quiet etc and we can say things to them that we wouldn't say to other customers because we know them.

So there's a guy who runs an animal rescue who comes in regularly to buy all the reduced fruit and veg at the end of the night for the animals. He literally buys hundreds of items some nights and all have to be individually scanned as our tills won't do an override for multiples if they are yellow stickered. If I'm on a checkout and see him coming towards mine I will often call out something like "oh no, not you again! Quick, where's my closing sign?!" but it is clearly said in jest and taken that way too. I would never say that to a "normal" customer but it is clear to everyone that we know each other and so this is just "banter" and not bad customer service.

Sprinklestar · 08/12/2017 12:30

I don't think you were particularly rude. You were at self service, doing your own thing, and hadn't called for assistance. Sure, the assistant may have been trying to be helpful, but ultimately she upset a customer. That's not really good customer service, is it? FWIW, I find self service tills irritating at the best of times! I'd have probably snapped too.

Brandbrandbrandy · 08/12/2017 12:31

I’ve never heard anyone squawk in real life, although I once had a parrot that sounded just like Michael Winner

MeltingSnowflake · 08/12/2017 12:35

In order to try to stamp out the character trait, I'd try to carefully track what's going on in your life to see what it is that makes you snap. For e.g. is it a certain time of the month, is it when you have work problems or right after you've spoken to your MIL (or whoever)? If you can predict the times when you're going to have less patience with people, you can go out on those days knowing it's a possibility and therefore have it already in your mind that you're going to need to be extra patient.

I also get very flustered when people are looking at me - if you think it's down to that, it might be worth trying to figure out the reason behind it. Few people like drawing attention to themselves, but why such a strong reaction? If you know why it makes you feel like that, you might be able to do things to lessen the impact it has on you.

PaxUniversalis · 08/12/2017 12:36

melj1213 - you're right, she's an old acquaintance and I actually do like her and I was pleased to see her too. I guess I was taken aback a little bit because I don't see her that often and I don't really know her well. Of course teasing is allowed among friends and acquaintances.

SammySays · 08/12/2017 12:37

You have said that you are finding yourself being rude and aggressive with random people, does this mean you would not talk to your boss in this way? If that is the case I find it unlikely that you are just speaking before you can think and actually are being rude for the sake of it and having an attack of guilt afterwards. Assuming you would not speak to the CEO of your company in that way, I imagine you can control yourself.

whiskyowl · 08/12/2017 12:43

I can't bear flappy, fussy people. I will actually go out of my way to avoid them if at all possible. I don't know why - this is my bad, not theirs - but I absolutely loathe it. I can understand completely where your reaction is coming from! Of course it's not right, but it would have annoyed me too. My MIL will actually scream, and quite loudly, if someone drops something or even just looks like they will drop it and I honestly sometimes have to leave the room because I find it so infuriating to have any rapid movement fussed over like this. To my mind, you ONLY scream if there is a danger to life and limb that is imminent, and even then it is a stupid, inarticulate response.

longestlurkerever · 08/12/2017 12:44

I do sympathise with the irritation. I hate it when people make a big fuss if you drop something while getting on the bus or whatever. It does come across a bit like "oh look, you can't manage with life, you dropped a glove, luckily I was here to rescue you", when you were just about to pick it up yourself. But obviously if you'd genuinely not noticed it'd be helpful, so I smile and say thank you (through gritted teeth).

dustarr73 · 08/12/2017 12:46

Well op i suppose it depends what you dropped.Loads of metal trays or a glove.And if you are being snarky to random people,chances are you are going to be snarky to the wrong person.Then what.

FindoGask · 08/12/2017 12:47

Something about airports brings out the obnoxious twat in me. I've twice been rude to staff at airports - both times, I felt there was provocation which, on reflection, wasn't - and both times I've apologised after I've simmered down and we've parted on good terms.

I'm usually perfectly polite and pleasant but if I'm feeling anxious or overloaded I can snap. I agree with posters who have suggested you look at what happened leading up to your outburst. Are you feeling generally up against it at the moment or do you have a lot on your mind?

I do think it's important to apologise if you know you acted badly but equally we're all human and the likelihood is that she wouldn't have thought much more about it, other than deciding she doesn't like you! I think sometimes that's a big part of the feeling of remorse when we behave badly - we don't want people to think badly of us.

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 08/12/2017 12:51

I've had people be really rude to me over the phone, it's awful. I'm not one to lose my cool though.
I once had someone lose their shit at me over something they thought I hadn't sent them. Then they went through their email and realised I had done a lot of work for them. They then sent my manager an email saying what a star I was. I thought oh you're not such a dickhead after all. An apology goes a long way.

Original poster

Auvergne · 08/12/2017 12:51

Thanks for your answers. I have been snorting at nakedavengers answer

The squawking was sort of "Dear me! Let me help you, you've dropped things, goodness, how awful!" sort of noises. Pissed me right off when I am more than capable of picking up something I've dropped. I just don't like people staring - it makes me irritable and edgy.

I shouldn't have been rude, though.

OP posts:

omBreROSE · 08/12/2017 12:53

I work in customer services. That is a shit job, however it is in no way as awful as manning the self serve!
People generally only ‘communicating’ with you if they can’t use the machine...
Then blaming you...
apologise op

JacquesHammer · 08/12/2017 12:54

Pissed me right off when I am more than capable of picking up something I've dropped

And how was she to know that though?

omBreROSE · 08/12/2017 13:02

She will have been trained to come to the aid of a customer quickly!
If that had spilt, she would have been worried about someone going over!

Beerwench · 08/12/2017 13:12

Although I can understand your irritation that the assistants reaction may have drawn attention to you, the woman was offering help, offering a customer assistance........as per her job title - customer assistant. I would think for everyone it annoyed, you'd have another saying they were annoyed if no help were offered or the assistant assumed no help was required because you're 'more than capable of picking it up'.

I made this point on another thread similar to this, anyone working with the general public can't win, everything they do will annoy someone as they don't know every single customers likes/dislikes and expectations - how could anyone?! But as long as it's not outright rudeness then quite honestly it's not on to have a go at someone because of your particular preference. You do realise this though OP, many don't. I think an apology would probably be nice, and it may stick in your mind and stop you next time? I do sympathise with you as well as the assistant - it isn't nice to feel you've been unreasonable to someone when they didn't deserve it, it's an awful feeling especially when to all intents and purposes it was spur of the moment and unintended. We all have days like that.

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