I was just rude and unreasonable - how can I stop? :-(

[Auvergne]

I certainly wasn't raised to be rude to people.

I was in Tesco, at the self service, and was juggling everything and dropped something. No harm done. The sales assistant ran over making "squawky" noises and it really irritated me, I think because it made people turn and look which always flustered me.

So I (rudely) snapped, "All right, I dropped something, is there really any need to be so dramatic?"

This happened a lot when I was younger. I found myself being confrontational, surly and generally unpleasant in interactions with random people and it is starting to happen again now quite a bit.

Has anyone ever managed to successfully stamp this out of their character?

I have a relative that does this - suffers from mental health problems which I think are the cause as they feel even the slightest error is deliberately targeted at them. Not quite the same as your instance, OP, yours sound like a reaction to embarassment but perhaps you could consider why it matters so much what others do. It was an over-reaction and your description of others staring and your use of 'squawky' doesn't sound very kind to them (or yourself, for that matter).

It's great you've recognised and it are making a conscious effort to not do it again. The only advice is whenever you feel a strong negative emotion such as embarrassment, upset or anger. Take a moment to think about it and process it before instantly reacting to whatever emotion you're feeling. Feel free to think "What an over-dramatic so and so!" and proceed to moan about it to your friends later in the day, but make an effort to not instantly react in the moment and risk hurting the feelings of those around you.

There's a balance. On another thread, some posters were writing they are too worried about confrontation and are virtually recluse , it's not fair on them at all. It's much healthier to stand up for yourself. OP you won't specially nice, but I am not sure it was that rude.
If the assistant was rushing to help you being friendly, then your reply was unnecessary. So what if other people looked?
If she was just being annoying, then it's fair enough to reply something the way you did.

In any case, hardly a big deal either way. Just try to think that the people who are driving you mad might be having the worst day of their life. It's easier to cut them some slack when you feel sorry for them.

Would it help if you thought about the feelings of the person you snapped at a bit more. I'm very sensitive and if someone spoke to me like that it would bother me all day to be honest. Not in an angry way but I would just dwell on the situation, what could I do to make sure it didn't happen again and things like that. I don't want to be dramatic and say it would ruin my day, but in all honestly it might a bit.

I agree with @buglife. I wonder how many of the posters who have said the assistant was rude, in the wrong job and cracked would still stay the same if this post related to their line of work? Or if they were on the receiving end of being snapped at like that. I'm surprised no one has told the OP to complain yet - though I suppose there's time!!
The OP says she was rude and unreasonable herself, but yet some have still managed to make the assumption that it's the shop assistants fault.

OP - I get very defensive and stressed when I am 'clumsy' I have always been 'clumsy', with very poor spatial awareness, and sometimes the harder I try to be careful the worse I am! My family, especially my DM and DGM made a big deal out of it - which made it worse! Do you remember the neighbour Elizabeth from Keeping up appearances? She always rattled her cup and dropped her tea because she was so nervous about spilling her tea - that was me! And now I get very, very frustrated at myself when I am 'clumsy' and when I am tired, stressed, or my period is due I blow it out of proportion myself and may snap at someone in pre-emptive defense. I generally make a joke of it, because it's easier but just sometimes I take it far too seriously and get upset.
I think recognising that you've been unreasonable is the first step, as this thread shows, some people are only too happy to justify their behaviour by blaming someone else when they actually have been unreasonable. Are you hormonal? Because I overreact to everything when I am! I found evening primrose helped calm me a bit, and think a bit more rationally. I (to my shame) with people close to me, got into a situation where I'd be a mega bitch and then apologise. It became a cycle until someone pointed out that saying sorry doesn't give you the green light to do it again. It does take some effort, I 'allow' myself to feel that way if I do, but I don't allow it to affect someone else because it's my feeling and my issue. Obviously it doesn't always work but I try to stop the immediate reaction, because I know I am capable of being unreasonable, and later analyze the situation when less stressed. If I feel that my initial reaction was actually justified, then I'll deal with that (speak to the person, complain or whatever) the downfall though is that you can't do that in random encounters. It's kind of a work in progress!
Good luck OP

I'm not someone who snaps at people but I tend to get very ragey inside my own head, IYSWIM

I'm probably hyper alert because you mentioned two incidents in shops - but does that have something to do with it? I absolutely hate shops, especially at this time of year. I find between dealing with public transport, office chatter etc etc (I live in London) it's really easy to get sensory overload fast and that leads to me being irritable.

I used to be someone who would shop in different places to ensure getting the best prices but now new rules:

1. minimal shopping
2. do it in one go in one place
3. before going, gird myself and realise that 100 things will happen to annoy me.

most of this is running errands in central London at lunch time but the thing is, I'm not going to do it before or after work because that would stuff up train times too much.

sorry, that was very boring - I just wondered how much of this might be due to "people overload" because it took me a while to realise that was my problem!

I know what you mean by squawky - its this kind of verbal flapping thing. I get it. But that's probably just how she is, and you were offended by her way of carrying on even though she was trying to help you. Apologise the next time you see her, or even one of her colleagues.

I work in this kind of job and we have a shared mental list of customers who are a bit shitty, we just want them out with the least fuss. It would be a really kind thing to apologise.

BlindAssassin "I know what you mean by squawky - its this kind of verbal flapping thing"

yes. I hate this too. I find it's best to be very quiet in response because it usually makes the squawkers quiet too.

Mindfulness. Great post from morningtoncrescent62.

If something like this happens again, as soon as you can, take some time to think through EXACTLY what happened in the run up to you losing your cool. Replay it in your mind. What were you thinking, what physical sensations did you have? If you can identify how it built up, you might be able to put something into place to divert yourself from exploding next time. I know it was all very quick, but there will have been some signs. Perhaps there were other things going on that day which made you predisposed to snap; can you identify those?

I discovered that I snap at my kids when I feel anxious. Really thinking it through and paying attention to my feelings has helped me to see it coming. One simple intervention I have put into place is telling my teen that I feel anxious: "The car has been so unreliable lately that I am really worried it won't go and I'll have to ask someone for help." I am far less likely to get angry when I have expressed my fear. It's also good for her to see me having difficult feelings and looking for ways to deal with them rather than trying to be supermum.

Even if you don't have friends and family on hand with whom you want to discuss these things, you can discuss them with yourself and be kind to yourself. Confide in yourself and give yourself a pep talk: "I am having a hard day. I'm feeling really cross about that nasty email I got from my boss. I wish someone would be nice to me. I don't want to take my anger out on anyone. I need to work hard on staying calm, and promise myself a treat when I get home."

I imagine the feelings and thoughts I’m having transferring to a balloon or cloud, which I then move to the side of my head. I ask myself if I have to feel this way.

I hate to say it, but i suspect you’re still being rude by saying she was making squawky noises. I’m going to guess she was doing no such thing. You were just irritated with yourself and embarrassed so took it out on her. And that’s why you’re posting, because you know it.

A lot of you on this thread sound very rude.The poor woman only trying to do her job.I bet if she wasnt quick enough to come over and help,op would be on moaning on that.

Op you where probably not teh only person that took their frustrations on on that poor woman.You are giving out to her for something that was your fault.And working retail especially coming up to Christmas is an awful,thankless task.If you are there again,say sorry to her.

What do you mean by she ran over making squawky noises? Was she trying to help? Was she annoyed at you?

I wonder whether you're anxious? It sounds as though in both situations you were flustered and afraid of being embarrassed.

I get irritable often. I hate having attention drawn to me in shops etc and good quite easily tell people to F off at times.

It's important to remember that only you are in control of your own behaviour. These things don't just happen, you are doing these things.

When you're getting annoyed by other people, whether justified or not, it's good to remember that you have no idea how they're feeling in that moment, what kind of day they're having or what's going on with them. Maybe they're feeling even worse than you and you biting their head off might just tip them over the edge.

She was possibly trying to defuse the situation - maybe make you laugh?? Don't worry they're very used to stressed customers - you know what, go back and take a box of chocolates, either for her or for the checkout team, it'll make their day and help you feel better!

I’m assuming ‘squawking’ is usually the noise someone makes when concerned or acknowledging a situation. “Oh dear, she’s dropped her purse.” To the OP it might be overly dramatic because of the embarrassment she felt which then caused her angry.

Not excusing rudeness but I used to get so so embarrassed when I’d done something silly in public and was called on it. I usually didn’t want to be made a fuss of and wanted to disappear ASAP.

OP, I think the next step is to apologize and then find some grounding techniques that will calm this reaction before it bursts out.

I'd also like to know what the "squawky" noises were.

People making a big old flappy fuss about your minor mistakes/accidents is bloody annoying though.

MIL does it. I took her and FIL out for a day trip, bought them lunch, gave up my day. Got home made them bacon sandwiches and set the fire alarm off. God the fuss you would have thought I'd set the sodding house on fire. When DH got home nothing said about the day just immediately a gleeful "Kerala set the fire alarm off". God its irritating ,and breathe>.

"People making a big old flappy fuss about your minor mistakes/accidents is bloody annoying though."

I agree, it is.

Although of course all Op needed to say was that she was OK thanks & didn't need help.

Oh dear I also have major foot and mouth disease!!!

Please do attempt to find the cure then. It isn't a pleasant trait.

I do not Suffer Fools gladly!

Me neither. But not suffering fools gladly and rudeness don't need to go hand in hand

“No problem, madam. Let me help you with those items.”

Was the OP shopping in Grace Brothers?

A simple "do you need any help?" is more likely

Fortunately I am Avery quiet person so this ordinarily manifests itself in death glares. That and I normally don't notice others unless they are addressing me directly. Maybe just try being less immersed in the present? If you have something going on in the back of your mind to distract you it usually isn't so bad.

OP you have acknowledged that you were wrong to snap at the sales assistant and I think it's only fair you apologise.

I work in a supermarket customer service and I get insulted and looked down on on a daily basis because I can't do what the customers want. Honestly I try not to take it personally any more but it does take it out of you to be constantly put down and yelled at every day especially when you generally can't pull someone up on their rudeness for fear they will report you.

The most memorable customer I've had recently is a guy in his early 30s, wanting to return a non-faulty game that had been opened. Unfortunately for him our stores policy is that we can only refund unopened games unless it is faulty. I explained this to him and he got very rude and short with me before slamming around on my desk and storming off. I took a moment to regroup before moving on to my next customer and just put him in the "dick customer" box in my brain.

4hrs later and I'd practically forgotten about him until I saw him walk back into the store and my stomach dropped when he walked purposefully straight to my desk. I prepared for round 2 of saying no when he stopped in front of my desk and was floored when the first words out of his mouth weren't "Get your manager" but were "I need to apologise". He then made a whole apology, explaining he had been having a stressful week and knew that wasn't an excuse but was why he'd snapped earlier and he was mortified he'd behaved that way. I accepted his apology and thanked him for making the effort to come back to apologise and it ended amicably. That few minutes moved him from "dick customer" to "A+ customer" in my mind.

Hmm. i've never met anyone who alsays rhey don't suffer fools gladly who wasn't totally obnoxious. Goes with "I say what I think" and "Take me as you find me"......

melj I've had exactly the same without the apology!

I was managing a small shop and this couple came in wanting their money back on something they'd used and then decided they didn't want. Company policy was NO and I was polite in explaining that. They were horrible and it was honestly 2 against 1 with both of them berating me in a really vile way. It went on about 15 minutes and I was close to ringing someone for help. They weren't swearing, they were just very very unpleasant people and I haven't forgotten it.

I think everyone should have a stint in retail, they might not be so quick to be rude then.

Some people who work in retail/customer service are a bit inconsiderate though. A year or so ago I was in a garden centre with a friend. We decided to have lunch in their cafetaria. We queued up with our food trays, paid for the food and went to find a table. Because my friend and I had been chatting I had forgotten to pick up my shopping bag by the till. I had put the bag on the floor to get money out of my purse and I'd forgotten about it completely. Coincidentally the person at the check out is an old acquaintance of mine. We go back 30 years. We get on fine. So once my friend and I sat down at a table to eat, my acquaintance called out: 'There's a bag here, did anyone leave their bag?' I noticed it was mine and I said it was me. My acquaintance said in a loud voice (and everyone could hear): 'Oh, it's YOU. Typical!'
Was this really necessary???