To ask for your most hated/annoying things that happens in Soaps?

[MissionItsPossible]

I started listing these in a "things that annoy you" thread and I thought of so many I thought I'd make my own.

Soaps. I can watch them and be entertained by them but the characters stupidity and predictability in the storylines annoy me sometimes! Let me count the ways:

1. Most people, when having a secret conversation, try to keep things discreet like "don't mention what I told you earlier, ok"? Not in soapland. It's "don't tell anyone that I slept with my ex husband in his new wife's bed last month and now I'm pregnant with his child, ok?" Cut to new wife hiding behind door, listening to everything, plotting revenge.

1. Character claims to be poor and jobless and they are depressed. Next thing you know they're in the bloody pub or at the cafe having some tea and cake. Thought you were skint!?

1. "Have it on the house". I must say I'd love to know where all these friendly freebie-giving establishments are in real life because the only time I've been offered something for free is when I've had a bottle of wine accidentally knocked over me by the waiter. Staff in soap land are always giving stuff away free, even when they've only worked there five minutes!

1. So self-absorbed. (Think of Janine in EastEnders for this scenario). How come is it that she can set someone up for a crime and they are ranting and raving in the Queen Vic as the police bustle them out, screaming abuse at Janine and not one person sees that sly, evil look she always gives and think it suspicious? Also, whilst we're on the subject of Janine (and other baddies) why is it that when someone has seemingly pulled off a crime that is completely out of character for them, and they are blaming Janine, nobody stops to think "Hang on a minute, maybe this character is telling the truth and it actually is Janine, the woman who says and does bitchy and nasty things on a daily basis"?

1. Characters just "decide" they are going to move to America or Australia. Erm, no, you cannot just do that, it takes ages to sort out! And when they do move their whole life fits into one suitcase.

1. "I've got something really important to tell you. Meet me at the pub later". Two things: One: Which pub? What time? Two: Er, no, this really important thing is not waiting until we're at the pub later, you will tell me this instant"!

Please add your own and yes this is lighthearted.

Kylie in Corrie gave birth on Gail's sofa and later that evening they were all sitting on the same pristine sofa .

I know nothing about hospital procedures/ rules in general, but in soapland, patients always have a private room.
And Jane from Eastenders woke up from a coma, perfectly lucid and whatnot, with only Max there to witness her waking. Nobody seemed to be checking on her, and when a nurse did appear, Jane asked her to show Max out. . And she did!

The Dingles in Emmerdale always go to Ireland to get away. But I have never seen them here .

My favourite soap cliches include:

• The poker game. Usually only attended by the blokes but always resulting in a main character listing their house/pub/restaurant. Character has neve previously expressed any interest in card games.

• The secret illness. In RL, people confide to close family/partner about their health problems. They need support and someone to accompany them to appointments. A soap character will alway keep their health problem a secret until the last possible moment.

• If Gary WIndass ever sleeps with someone other than his current partner, that someone will end up pregnant.

• The wedding fiasco. One day, someone will have a really straightforward nice wedding with no fights or murders - that would indeed be a shocker. In the meantime, all weddings will be disasters. See also funerals. And Christmas.

• in RL, kids are always shouting, arguing, interrupting adult conversations and generally being the centre of attention. In soaps, kids stay in another room and only come out for the school nativity scene or etc.

• a soap kid will also run away or go missing at least once before their tenth birthday.

• alcoholics will still spend most of their leisure time in the pub drinking orange juice.

• big parties or other celebrations will usually take place on a weekday evening starting at about 5pm. Never the weekend.

• nobody in the soap ever watches other soaps.

• losing their house/pub etc that should be.

Weddings.

The bride will be in her dressing gown no make up or hair done, debating whether she can go through with it. Everyone will be 'oh you're meant to be getting married in 10 minutes'

Then, after deciding she does love him after all she manages to get dressed, made-up and have an elaborate hair-do and get to the church pretty much on time.

random family members leave to live in the same country, sometimes fairly local but never ever visit or turn up for major life events / deaths

The houses with elastic walls.
People who have no money, but walk past their homes to eat and drink in a pub/cafe.
Everyone who is rushed into hospital has their own room with the obligatory oxygen cannula shoved up their nose.
Everyone crowds round the beds in intensive care, despite other hospitals having a max of 2 visitors at any time.
Patient in a coma wakes up with a groan, visitor shouts hysterically for a nurse and before the nurse arrives, they're having a lucid conversation with no memory loss at all.
Want to visit someone in prison? Just turn up and surprise the prisoner whenever you like.
Want to live abroad? Simply book the next available flight.
No home, job or family? No problem, simply wander onto the street, square or village and you will have all 3 within 30 minutes.
Need to speak to the chef? Simply wander into the kitchen as you are.
Pub customer offended/annoyed you? ( barmaid ) Just throw a drink over them with no repercussions whatsoever.

6 year old children can find their way home from Blackpool to Manchester.
And bus drivers have no qualms about letting them travel alone.

Can see Corrie are trying to get Steve and Tracy together. They've softened her up but she still has her edge. I love the dynamic between her and Mary.

"I've got something to tell you!"

"I've got something to tell you too!"

Whoever goes first generally says something that completely cocks up the other one's life, then the other person mumbles that they've forgotten what they were going to say anyway and wanders off, mumbling forlorn/smiling bravely*

*delete as applicable.

Babies are born clean about 3 months old and the mother doesn't have a placenta

Women ALWAYS go into labour early and baby is born within 10 minutes, on someone's sofa/in the pub/on the street. I've never seen anyone go over their due date and have a long slow labour in a soap!

(Haven't RTFT so I'm sure this has been mentioned)

Nobody can be a lesbian. Gay men can have long relationships but women always seem to end up sleeping with a man.

Anyone who uses a baby monitor will inevitably hear their partner talking to a lover- usually saying how they must end it and how they love their spouse so much...

I agree with the PP back at the beginning of the thread about the way soaps seem to influence the way real people behave these days, with every problem being a massive, scream- in- the- street drama opportunity.

I also find the juxtaposition of black-and-white morality and constant self indulgent behaviour bizarre. Has any character who's castigated another for infidelity ever NOT been unfaithful/dragged into crime/murdered someone previously?

When people are waiting for someone to phone or message them they check their phone and the screen says "no new messages" or "no missed calls". No ones phone actually says that.

Emmerdale : the baby swap story (Lauren and Ashley) when they found out that Daniel wasn't theirs but Arthur was. Because the two mums had put their babies side by side in a cot and picked up the wrong baby. When IRL the baby has 2 ID bands applied before they do much else so this is utter tripe.

Holby: not an episode went by without someone screeching at poor Dr Diggers Are you even old enough? Are you out of school yet. And he never corrected them nor did his mentors.

Emmerdale (again) : that Debbie seems to have shagged the entire male population even though she is the most sullen unpleasant character ever (I'm sure she's lovely IRL )

Eastenders: walk past their own functional kettle and perfectly reasonable kitchen to get a mug of stewed tea from the cafe .

Everything, that's why I never watch them

Oh yes, many things, and I only watch Corrie (although possibly not for much longer as it's so crap nowadays):

• people in a tiny room will move 2 feet away to talk and the other person can't hear them
• all the magic invisible bedrooms available in each house
• everyone in the street has slept with everyone else
• everyone's always moaning about having no money but eat every meal in the bistro, pub or cafe, and every cup of tea in the cafe (all within 30 second walk from their homes)
• no-one has contracts for their job, there is no redundancy nor benefits for anyone, people get hired and fired instantly
• kids disappear for weeks on end and no-one is bothered
• the local GP is available on demand, even on a Sunday
• most illnesses and injuries are miraculously cured after a brief stay in a lovely private room with consultants on tap

I'm sure there are many more but that's all I can think of now - don't know why I watch it really!

Watching Corrie and shamelessly bumping my own old thread.

Toyah did not put her sleeping baby in a cot and instead held them whilst having a shouty altercation with her sister Leanne with the camera framed to include a baby’s bottle just to remind viewers that she has had a baby.

Except that she hasn't had a baby, it's Eva who had the baby, and Leanne is actually the baby's auntie. Very messed up.

All of hollyoaks is annoying me at the moment. I just spend half hour shouting at the tv.

How childbirth even for first timers is always so fast there is never enough time to get to the hospital

How characters always listen to and act upon advice from other characters who have never succeeded in the area they are dicussing (eg ask someone with 5 failed marriages about love life)

No one ever breastfeeds

People hang out with friends a few generations apart (eg Gemma and Rita on corrie)

There is always a story every few years where some secret gets spilled as it is overheard through a baby monitor that someone hasn't realised is on

Its a nice bit of escapism though, it would all be a bit boring if anything like real life (work eat tv sleep)...

People arrive in a soap with no connection to the area, no job, home etc. No mention of any family. Then endless cousins, aunties, illegitimate children all turn up out of the blue, relocate and become part of the community in days. New Mum explains absence of child as "They're at the creche" . What that free, council run child care scheme that literally no one else has access to? People say "look after my stall/run the cafe for me for 5 minutes" What!? Also people in soaps don't speak like normal people. They stare into the distance then start a monologue like "Five years old I was, my first day at school, Grandad gave me some words of advice I'll never forget, he looked me in eyes and said Son..." blah blah blah .

Oh and if anyone has any terrible news they swig whisky or vodka and grimace. Nobody seems to like it. Or have a nice glass of red or something. If they're drinking to make themselves feel better, it best taste rank

One more - people say " Seeing as it's your birthday Do you fancy going for a drink tonight in the Vic/Rovers?" You go there every bloody night! What's new?