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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry about the favoured grandchild.

64 replies

snowflakesontheground · 07/12/2017 10:06

I have 4DC, my sister has 1DC.
She is a single parent but the Dad has 50/50 custody. I am not a single parent.

Every time we ask Grandmother to do anything with us, our DCs she is always doing something like picking up my sisters DC from school.

My son will be 1 soon and they've met him twice, Great Grandmother has never met him but she's also running around after sisters child on a daily basis.

Grandparent and Auntie share photos of my sisters DC daily on Facebook, ours never get a mention.

They take him to everything, ice skating, Christmas switch on, post it all on Facebook.

Am I being U to be upset about this and would you say something? I'm just fed up of wondering why my children mean nothing to them.

OP posts:
LouHotel · 07/12/2017 10:08

Does your sister live close to them and you far away?

Frederickvonhefferneffer · 07/12/2017 10:09

Awful. Have you brought this up with them?

Council · 07/12/2017 10:11

I think your parents have priorities the child (their child) who seems to need them most.

Have you talked to them about it?

Original poster
snowflakesontheground · 07/12/2017 10:11

We all live within 5 minutes of one another, grandparent actually works opposite our house.

OP posts:
Goodfood1 · 07/12/2017 10:13

I Can see that that must really hurt and you need to talk to them about it, they may be overcompensating or maybe can't say no to your sister?

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 07/12/2017 10:16

When you were growing up were you the independent one while your sister was seen as more needy?

Do you think they struggle with 4 kids rather than looking after just 1?

How much are your ILs and the paternal grandparents of the favoured grandchild involved?

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 07/12/2017 10:16

This happens more than you think, as I found out when it was apparent MIL was doing the same. It's a shame but the only answer is to either bring it up with them or let it go.

My MIL doesn't see that she's doing anything wrong. It really upsets me that she ignores my children whilst doing everything for the others. They might not realise how they're making you feel. Not helpful I know, but you're not alone.

Original poster
snowflakesontheground · 07/12/2017 10:16

Yes I agree I need to bring it up as I've sat back and watch this for the past 4 years since he was born.

I just wanted to know that I'm not being U before I upset them all by mentioning it.

OP posts:
jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 07/12/2017 10:17

You're not unreasonable to be annoyed.

Original poster
snowflakesontheground · 07/12/2017 10:18

My sister left and moved in with our Dad so her relationship was quite broken with Mum until she fell pregnant.

I understand 4 is a lot more work than 1 but I've said before if they ever wanted to take the bigger two I wouldn't mind.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 07/12/2017 10:32

YANBU to be upset because it's clearly hurtful.

I don't know what you can do about it in reality though - you can't 'force' people to be close if they don't want to try. I would step away from FB and concentrate on relationships you & your DC have with other friends and family who do make the effort.

Schlimbesserung · 07/12/2017 10:33

My family was like this. I also have 4 kids, my sister had one. My parents moaned about my sister being a CF but they still did everything for her. Unfortunately her child died (in his 20s) and now my parents are starting to show a little interest in my children. However, my older children are able to see what's going on and aren't especially interested.
I've never asked them to take my children anywhere, but it would have been no work at all for them to visit every now and then (they both have a car, are fit and have plenty of spare money).
It might help to speak to them about it, but don't expect anything to change. I suspect you will just get a better understanding of how very little there is that you can do about it.

roomsonfire · 07/12/2017 10:36

I deal with this regularly.

your sister and mum fell out and got in touch because of the baby.

I am wondering that perhaps your mother is terrified of falling out with your sister again so doesnt want to rock the boat and the baby bought them all back together so spends a ridiculous amount of time with your sister and her DC. Compensation, fear etc.

This is a really crappy way to put this so I apologise but your sisters baby is the sticking plaster that fixed their relationship.

This happened with a sister of mine and now mother dares not call her out for being horrid and does everything with those kids for fear of my sister having a drama llama moment (happen frequently) and telling her to get stuffed again. I've actually told my mother to get stuffed over this whole thing because my 1 DC is the one always pushed out and ignored. DC hasn't seen GM for 6/7mths now.

TKRedLemonade · 07/12/2017 10:42

Hold on, you have a nearly one year old, live 5 minutes away from your parents and they have met him twice??????

I know help can be fabulous but if my parents were this awful about even seeing my child I would not want him anywhere near them

StayAChild · 07/12/2017 10:43

As painful as it is, I would just stop asking them when all you get is a rejection because they're looking after the other DGC.

Leave them to it and show the same lack of interest in them, as hard as that will be. Flowers

Evelynismyspyname · 07/12/2017 10:48

Does your sister have a co-dependent relationship with your mum?

I think this happens a lot.

The grandparent responds to being needed, and also feels "owed" and therefore entitled to make demands (perhaps only emotional or social/ time ones) on the child they help a disproportionate amount. The grandparent starts leaning emotionally or socially on the adult child because they feel they help them so much that they have every right to make demands. The adult child feels they are helping out/ supporting their parent more than any siblings so takes more and more practical help for granted.

Before you know it one adult sibling's life is utterly entangled with their parents, with both feeling as though it's natural to be unable to function without the practical, emotional and social support of that one child because it's now all pervading - and there is not much room left for the less needy/ more independent siblings and their children, who are unintentionally pushed out. The grandparent spends so much time with one adult child's child/ren that they naturally feel closer to them, and when they do interact with other grandchildren the cousin they see daily is their main topic of conversation ...

Its fairly likely that you will at some point be reprimanded for not contacting your mother enough, and leaving it all to the sister they have been helping multiple times per day for years and years (the help will be conveniently forgotten or minimised at that point)...

I realise your parents are divorced, but you say your sister moved in with your dad. Is he playing this game too? Is it magnified by them competing to be the one your sister needs the most?

ElsieMc · 07/12/2017 10:53

This is very unkind op, because you sound a nice person. However, if the grandparents are prone to favouritism at this level, then do you really want your children spending time with them? I say this because I stopped my mil seeing my girls because she played her grandchildren off against each other, was cold, manipulative and terrible with me.

Now they are older, they can do what they want. They saw her for a while, but have made their own decision that they don't want to see her because she is still playing mind games, is off with them and disinterested. She never sends them a birthday card and I honestly don't even think she knows which one is which!

Try to remember, it is their loss.

SkyIsTooHigh · 07/12/2017 10:54

I definitely think you should share with your mum how hurt you feel.

It might be that she thinks you are fine getting on without them, or she doesn't feel able to take all 4, or it's just a habit that no one really intended to get into, or she feels she is plugging a gap for her other GC that your DC don't need because you're doing such a great job. Give her a chance. But approach it that you'd like to spend more time with her rather than you want to use her for more childcare favours!

There is plenty of time for withdrawing further if you don't get anywhere, but give it a really good try first. Sit down, serious conversation, and be prepared to put the hours in.

Viviennemary · 07/12/2017 10:54

I think they sound awful. I'd just cut contact and not bother. There's favouritism and being downright mean. I'd block them on Facebook too. Just say it seems that as far as they are concerned they've got one grandchild so let's keep it that way. I wouldn't put up with this. But maybe they think they'd have to take out all four children each time. But it's still no excuse.

SkyIsTooHigh · 07/12/2017 10:57

Evelyn's post is very wise.

Original poster
snowflakesontheground · 07/12/2017 11:00

Thank you for the advice everyone.

I'm going to give this a final try over Christmas as I don't want anyone feeling hurt and then if no luck then we'll start the new year without them!

OP posts:
theEagleIsLost · 07/12/2017 11:00

I have this even now DN has two step parents as well as both parental families.

Never got anywhere by raising it - though it's easier as now we live some distance away as everyone can use that as the excuse.

I think I'm the one that gets upset by this while everyone else including the DC sees it as the way it is.

Merrz · 07/12/2017 11:03

Similar boat here, when my parents split up my brother stayed with dad and didn't speak to mum for about 3 years. My brother recently had a baby with his girlfriend he was only seeing a couple of months, they had no £ and were a total disaster tbh (he was back speaking to mum again by this point) but now she totally favour's him and his baby over the rest of the family. I find it so hurtful considering i was the one that stuck by her and i've done it all 'by the book' sort of speak. house and marriage 1st etc and taken control of my life.

I think as others have already said it's partly because mum's scared to loose my brother again after he stopped speaking to her before and also partly because i am more independent and she likes the feeling of my brother needing her.

I'm agreeing with StayAChild and just leaving her too it. I don't want to force her to be part of our lives. It's such a horrible feeling though isn't it.

WorraLiberty · 07/12/2017 11:05

If you have a nearly 1 year old who's met them twice, despite living 5 minutes away, you're not very close to them, are you?

Why have you not popped in with him/her more often?

Is there some sort of backstory/history here?

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 07/12/2017 11:06

YANBU, I didn't put that before but hopefully you know that's what I meant.

It's awful, I think you need to say something just to know you tried. We did, it fell on deaf ears which made us feel worse for a while but now we know that at least we tried to change things.

Over the past few weeks we've made the decision to just stop bothering, if MIL gets in touch then we'll respond but as far as organising things, popping over and phoning first I'm finished. Like you, MIL and SIL live very close and could easily make the effort. Or at least not ignore us!

I hope you find the solution you need.