To be angry about the favoured grandchild.

[snowflakesontheground]

I have 4DC, my sister has 1DC.
She is a single parent but the Dad has 50/50 custody. I am not a single parent.

Every time we ask Grandmother to do anything with us, our DCs she is always doing something like picking up my sisters DC from school.

My son will be 1 soon and they've met him twice, Great Grandmother has never met him but she's also running around after sisters child on a daily basis.

Grandparent and Auntie share photos of my sisters DC daily on Facebook, ours never get a mention.

They take him to everything, ice skating, Christmas switch on, post it all on Facebook.

Am I being U to be upset about this and would you say something? I'm just fed up of wondering why my children mean nothing to them.

I cant get over theyve only met your 1 year old twice and they live and work so close. Thats not asking them to look after them just to have him in their lives.

YANBU and they are take favortism to a whole new level.

I have experience of being pushed aside for a younger cousin and it hurts like hell so it must have been difficult for my dad to witness. I was the only grandchild til I was 9, then my auntie (who is a lot younger than my dad and only 12 years older than me) had her first baby. My sister was born two days later. From the moment my cousin was born, I was no longer invited to stay with my paternal grandparents, where previously I had stayed at least once a month and had been there most Sundays. I used to be taken on holiday with them - from then on I rarely saw them. They spent all their time with my auntie and cousin. I could understand it sort of because he was a new baby in the family, but my sister was born literally hours after him and never got a look in either.

I miss my grandparents, who both died a long time ago now, but I feel like I lost them when I was 9 instead of when they died - i was 15 when granddad died and 22 when nan died. My dad was really hurt and then when my nan died, my auntie stole all the funeral money and went to Florida, so it sticks in the throat even more since my dad ended up having to pay for the funeral and headstone out of his own pocket instead of the money nan had set aside for her burial.

OP it doesn't have to be that you cut them out of your lives completely if you don't want to. Just that if you keep wanting and trying to create a close relationship that isn't there, you're leaving yourself open to getting hurt. If you can try to reset your expectations a bit, and realise it's because of their limitations and nothing to do with you or your DC, over time it may get easier to just shrug it off a bit. Families can be a bit shit sometimes

Do you ever go round to their house, OP? What about the 50 per cent of the week that the Dad has your niece/nephew, don't you see your parents then? Do the cousins never meet up and play together?

I also sense some kind of backstory here, is there a big age gap between your first two children and your second, or between your children and your sisters?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners I fear my aunt will do this when my grandparents die too. GPs pump all their money into aunt (gdad has cancer so...) her kids and her gran kids (aunt was a gran at 36) and the rest of the family have to compete with her all the flipping time. When ever i go visit GPs I try to arrange it so aunt isnt there but she goes in during her lunch break and its just impossible because she domineers and is the focus of GPs world. Last time I visited I was berated for not doing enough for DC and ADHD despite me battling with camhs for 6 flipping years to accept attachment issues wasn't the whole problem.

every word flump said. My DC have got a complete set of not very good grandparents. Just like you, other GC have been prioritized although as we live further away, it's easy for them all to justify to themselves.

I called them on it, and they didn't talk to me for 6 months, and then it went back to the same lukewarm stuff. I wouldn't cut them off though, I realised that my kids didn't know that the GP relationship could be any different, and it was silly to discourage any contact because it hurt my feelings that there wasn't more of it - shooting yourself in the foot.

In real life, not all GP are super-involved with all their GC, and if you have the short straw, no contact isn't better than some contact imo.

I have this. My parents run themselves ragged after my sister and her dc. It hasn't changed in nearly 18 years so I don't expect it to anytime soon.

Yes, it's the green eyed monster but that doesn't make it any better.

I have tried to share my hurt so many times to have it dismissed and things change for a little while but quickly revert back.

Work out whether you want a relationship and go from there.

I'm an only child but if I'd had siblings and this kind of favouritism had happened with regard to grandchildren I'd be fuming. I can't understand how parents can favour one child/grandchild over the other. I don't get it. I mean, aren't they supposed to love their children and grandchildren in equal measure? How infuriating.

I think you should at least bring it up with them, because if you don't this situation may well go on forever more and then you'll feel like they have won. You must at least give it a try.
Also, if they live 5 minutes away why don't you just pop in more often?

Yanbu and it’s horrible when this happens. It’s a common occurrence unfortunately.

My ILs see a lot more of their other gcs than my dc and they live just as far from ILs (an hours drive) and we only have one dc while there are 3 dc in the other family, so it’s not exactly easy for them to see them.

I think you’re doing exactly the right thing by giving it another go over Christmas and then not bothering so much. We now don’t go out of our way for ILs, although we’ve made it clear they’re always welcome here and we still see them as much as is convenient for everyone. It was hurtful for a bit, especially as my dc only has one living grandma, (my mum died a few years ago), but now I just think meh. Their loss if they cba. Sometimes wonder if, when the other gc grow up a bit and are more independent, then ILs will suddenly want to see a lot more of our dc (who is a bit younger than the others). Time will tell.

oh I'd be tempted to observe a few things - in a 'camera feedback' style [so you do these activities weekly with this GC, and you've seen my GC x times in y months] something directly comparable.

It'll cause a stink, but I wouldn't go no-contact as I said. Observe what you've observed, let them react however, and then move on.

If you give it 'one more go' etc that's not being honest about the situation to date or resetting your expectations to avoid yourself more pain.

This also happens in my family. My DM will favour my DSis children who live 15 miles away but when I ask for a favour which is maybe 2-3 times year I get fobbed off as she has usually agreed to have them for days on end while my DSis goes to visit friends in England. I find my DSis asks more so maybe this is what I need to do. I have had this out with my DM and it turned into an argument which just made me feel worse. I was glad to get it off my chest but it has made me take a step back from our relationship as a result. My DSis is now a single parent but even when this was not the case the situation was the same. It hurts but life is too short to hold a grudge about these things....that's what I keep telling myself anyway!!

ByThePowerOfRa - but are you 100% happy with the situation to date?

We now don’t go out of our way for ILs, although we’ve made it clear they’re always welcome here
but now I just think meh. Their loss if they cba
I think I would find it hard to think it's their loss, etc. I think I'd try and do everything within my power so that my child received the same equal treatment as the other GC. It's only fair.
My maternal grandparents treated all the GC in the same way. They liked and loved them all but they were never close and they didn't favour anyone. No one felt left out. Everyone happy.

YANBU and I would bring it up if I were you, as sensitively as possible.

Can I ask though - sorry if I've missed it if you've said - how were your parents with your first three children? Not saying that your fourth doesn't deserve attention, but helpful to know if it's an overall pattern or if it's more cumulative - that your sister's DC is perceived to need them more plus they feel they've done their bit with yours and attention has waned.

OP, Im the granny to a very large brood and your situation is really sad and extremely ugly. As childish as it may seem I think the next time there's a picture of your sisters child on FB I'd post a picture of the kids under it and say something like - and then there were 5.

But I do have to ask? Why haven't you taken your youngest to see great granny.

If they do nothing for any of your children that’s rather unfair. Four children to do with as they do with your sister’s child is hard work though. I presume they don’t have a big enough car for one!

Though I’m also confused as to how you all live/work within minutes of each other, yet they’ve only seen your youngest twice. How often have they seen your other children in that time?

I think it's a failing on the part of the grand parents.

I agree.

Is it possible your sister needs more support than you do so on the surface it looks as if your parents favour her children? E.g. She has to work because is a single parent whereas perhaps you are a sahm for instance and as such she needs after school childcare etc?

When mine and my sister's dc were growing up it could be argued on the surface that my parents spent more time with my sister's DC than with mine, but they absolutely did not favour them. What actually happened is that I was a sahm whereas my sister worked and her DH worked erratic hours and as such she needed more childcare than I did.

And what I would ask is what effort are you making to ensure a good relationship between your DC and the grandparents. Always strikes me how many people talk about how their parents/ILs make no effort and then it transpires that they don't either.

Loverifcake, I have a child who’s familiy need quite a bit of support for good reason but it’s not an excuse to not be mindful of everyone else.

YANBU, but, having been there myself with SIL/MIL, I dont think you're going to get the result you want by saying something. I imagine they are perfectly aware about the discrepency between how they treat your DC and other DC because its pretty factual isnt it? x amount of time spent here, x amount of time there?
I would maybe let them know how it makes you feel and I hope they take that it consideration but any changes now will make you wonder whether its through guilt/obligation. You shouldnt have to force someone to give a shit about your kids and would you really want a fake relationship with people who you have to do that with?
Say what you need to say, move on, don't cut contact and let the kids decide eventually, it's their loss that they'll have missed out and try not to compare, it'll drive you crackers. Seems like a case of 'oiling the squeaky wheel'.

My parents are not especially invested in spending time with any of their gc's. I have 2 and dh has 1. I know that they love my children but they don't want to spend time with them unless I'm there too and I've accepted that. My DB lives further away. It's much harder for him and, despite being retired they were not visiting him and his wife and dd at all. To his credit he called them out on it, calmly but very directly by asking questions that they couldn't avoid. "Why don't you want to visit your granddaughter?" When told that they did, they were just busy, he stood his ground and pointed out that they are retired; they are in charge of how they spend their time and they were consistently choosing to prioritise other things over family. He told them he felt disappointed in them and sad for his daughter but he didn't let it become heated or dramatic. I am in awe of him now. No-one stands up to mother. She still isn't the most hands-on gm but she rocks up much more often these days. Could you try just asking calm but pointed questions about why? Perhaps ask whether they have given any thought to how it makes you feel and how your children are going to feel about their grandparents as they grow up?

Sorry btw, just read that back and seems really harsh but DS is 8 now so had a few more years in this situation so maybe a bit jaded .

dh has 1 should read DB has 1!

I’m a GM and look after DGS 10 every weekday. I get tired but love it. I do find having more than one DGC at a time overwhelming and very tiring. Ask your parents to take just the eldest now and again. Not the older two. Just one child. Two is lot when you’re older! Then see how it goes.
I was a single mum of three DC and that was easy as I was younger.

I think it is a bit unfair that one child is allowed to monopolise a GP's attention like this. But I suppose that's their choice. But it's a shame that other grandchildren are pushed out because of the commitment to one. So it's bound to cause resentment.