To be angry about the favoured grandchild.

[snowflakesontheground]

I have 4DC, my sister has 1DC.
She is a single parent but the Dad has 50/50 custody. I am not a single parent.

Every time we ask Grandmother to do anything with us, our DCs she is always doing something like picking up my sisters DC from school.

My son will be 1 soon and they've met him twice, Great Grandmother has never met him but she's also running around after sisters child on a daily basis.

Grandparent and Auntie share photos of my sisters DC daily on Facebook, ours never get a mention.

They take him to everything, ice skating, Christmas switch on, post it all on Facebook.

Am I being U to be upset about this and would you say something? I'm just fed up of wondering why my children mean nothing to them.

Sounds like some sort of weird passsu e aggressive game. Maybe they are envious of you?

...passive aggressive game...

(Pred text gremlins!)

Older people can sometimes be odd - just because they can. It’s pathetic for people not to treat their children and grandchildren fairly.

RoseWhiteTips
Older people can sometimes be odd - just because they can.

Tbh I think it's usually the first born GC who receives most of the attention from the grandparents. It's what I've seen with friends of mine.

Fair doesn't always mean exactly the same. I have 5 gc, two of them have had a rough time with parents divorcing, their mother attempting suicide when they were alone with her, social worker looking at care setting but agreeing they could stay with me so they lived with me for a while and I have had a major role in their lives ever since.

I love all my gc but I spend more time with the two who need me most, my relationship is more like a parent with them than the other 3 so on the one hand you could say it isn't far as I do spend alot of time with them, take them places and spend money on them. On the other hand I nag them about homework, table manners, writing thank you letters and numerous other things. The other 3 have a more normal grandparent/grandchild with me so they do get less time and money but also less nagging. I'm not sure who is winning with that one but it isn't me.

Good insight from llangenith. If two is tiring, the prospect of four may be too much. Do they ever see your older DC, OP?

I would be petty and find a rent-a-gran and start posting PA pics of you all spending time with lovely new granny.
Not really, but it does make you feel resentful. I would hide their feeds on facebook and try to let it go. It is what it is. Either call them out on it after Christmas or just stop bothering to invite them out.

Always strikes me how many people talk about how their parents/ILs make no effort and then it transpires that they don't either.

It’s definitely a two way street!

My PILs made little effort for the first year or two of dc’s life, so we stopped making an effort.

On the other hand, SIL, who gets a lot more help of all kinds from PILs than we ever have, might end up doing more caring for PILs when they’re elderly for example.

That’s the reason why I don’t think it’s worth the op confronting her parents. They are probably aware they spend more time with the op’s dn and they obviously think that’s reasonable or just the way it is.

My personal opinion is that these things tend to come out in the wash eventually without making a big scene about it.

Thing is though that it is often a two way thing, and as much as some grandparents can have their issues so can some parents/children.

E.g. I know someone who was proud of the fact that when her children were younger nobody but her own mother was allowed to look after them, and certainly not her MIL. Not because she'd done anything wrong but because this woman trusted nobody with her children.

Fast forward twenty years and her son marries a woman, they have children, and voila, she won't allow her mil (this woman) to look after her children. Woman thought she was hugely unreasonable, was the DIL from hell, how dare she withhold her from her GC etc yet when her children was younger it was apparently perfectly acceptable for her to act the same way and nobody dared question it?

I think that of course there will always be some grandparents who favour one set of GC over another for various reasons, but we do need to step away from this mindset that it's always the parents at fault and never the children, i.e. If a child never visits or gives any time to their parents yet complains that said parents appear uninterested in babysitting their kids on demand, for instance. Not saying the OP is like that but some definitely are.

There is alot of truth in what LoverOfCake says.

I also notice that grandparents often seem to favour their daughter's children over their son's, I am not guilty on this as my DD has got any. I know it isn't the case with the OP but I have seen that many times but as LoverOfCake says that could be a two way thing with a young mum turning to her own mother rather than MIL.

I agree with the first born grandchild usually being favoured. My older brother was my nana's first grandchild and he can do no wrong in her eyes, she totally favours him but without even realising she's doing it. The rest of us all just wind her up about it because we know it's nothing nasty.
I do agree it's rather odd that you only live 5 minutes away and never just 'pop in'. Growing up, we only lived 5 minutes away from my nana and were always just popping in and out if she wasn't working. She never minded, it was always a nice surprise

If whenever you ask then they say they already booked with other child, that's not favourites. If they're booked for one, it would be really rude to drop them because they got a better offer.

I am wondering if there is more to this story..

Have you invited them over?
How was your mum with first one? Is 4 more than she can handle?
Does she ever get asked to see the children without you wanting her to look after them ?

That all said I can't imagine working over the road from my Grandchild and not popping in invited or not/

I also notice that grandparents often seem to favour their daughter's children over their son's, I am not guilty on this as my DD has got any. I know it isn't the case with the OP but I have seen that many times but as LoverOfCake says that could be a two way thing with a young mum turning to her own mother rather than MIL.

I think this^^ is definitely true. In my case, my mum died before I had my dc, but I still wouldn’t “turn to mil” for much and I don’t think Dh would either tbh! Whereas SIL does. It’s hard to say which came first; the lack of effort from PILs towards dh, (and by association, dc and me), or us relying less on them. I think it goes further back than me being on the scene tbh. SIL lets them do a lot more for her, (or they just do it)? Dh and his other sibling don’t want or get as much help. I think, in our case, it’s down to their family dynamic and I’m just part of that now, which I found hard at first, but now accept and can actually see the plus points too!

Rambling a bit, but basically, I do think it’s a lot more complicated than just “grandparents should do the same for every gc”. It isn’t always necessary or even a good thing if they do.