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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate MIL’s ‘advice’?

126 replies

Sleepdeprived91 · 05/12/2017 09:25

I’m a first time mum and I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. My MIL has always been opinionated but I’ve laughed it off but now it’s about my parenting I can’t stand her and think she’s being very rude. My DP says she is just giving advise and her top tips for parenting but I’m not sure. She has said my DD cries because she isn’t BF (she was for 8 weeks but it was too painful), she also had quite severe colic and reflux which she also blames on not being breastfed.

MIL pulls out DD dummy when she sees her because she said she doesn’t want her to have one. DD is also very clingy so co-sleeps for most of the night, MIL has said this is entirely my fault and DD will sleep in her cot if I put her in there, she does start off her night in there but by around 2am she wakes for a feed and won’t sleep again unless in my bed.

She has a strange hold over my DP and has even tried to convince him to change the date of our wedding by 4 Months because she wants us to have a summer wedding.

When I was pregnant she would text me the same baby’s name every week and tell me that’s what it will be called if I gave birth to a boy.

DP doesn’t understand why her comments upset me and that none of it is actually advice but hurtful comments. I try my hardest not to be around her because she makes DP question my parenting. She has knelt next to me and DP many times whilst doing a nappy change to ‘check’ we are doing it correctly, apparently we never do it right!

DP thinks it’s my hormones which are making me hate her advice but I think it’s her comments that are making me feel bad. Have other people felt like this after having a baby? AIBU and she actually is giving advice? Thanks

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 05/12/2017 09:29

YANBU. She sounds batshit.

Reduce time spent with her and seriously talk to your dh about where his loyalties lie.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/12/2017 09:29

It’s not your hormones. She’s behaving terribly. If your DP won’t speak up to her about her actions then I think you’ll have to.

She’s your baby. MIL should not be saying anything about how you parent her.

Do you feel able to speak to her?

Pickleypickles · 05/12/2017 09:30

I dont think its hurtful comments, just shit advice. Next time just respond in a jokey way stuff like "well her nappies have been staying on fine for the last 6 months ho ho ho"

I think if you ignore her comments then she will just keep saying them because she feels you arent listening so acknowledge what she says and tell her why you are doing it your way.

She does sound hard work though OP, you have my sympathys there.

ByThePowerOfRa · 05/12/2017 09:31

Agree yanbu. She sounds way too much. I’d also reduce time with her. Do you see her a lot?

RestingGrinchFace · 05/12/2017 09:31

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be able to resist nitpicking her parenting either.

"Do you really think you should be micromanaging your adult son that way? You're probably the reason why he hasn't done better in his career given that you've not taught him how to stand up for himself"

glitterfarts · 05/12/2017 09:34

She sounds awful. That is not giving advise, it's interfering at best, undermining and controlling.
She had her turn to name children, decide on things like if they had a dummy, where they slept. These are YOUR children, not hers.

I'd stop seeing her regularly - join up to parent groups etc, get busy.

I wouldn't want her round at all - when your DD is older, she'll be seriously undermining you if she is like this now.

Your DP needs to get on board. THIS is his family now, and he needs to tell his Mum - this is what WE'VE decided works for OUR family. Every time.
And drop the contact to bare minimum.

Tinselistacky · 05/12/2017 09:34

Stop being so available for her visits. Say your HV has suggested baby groups etc would be good for dd. Get yourself out there!! Sharing advice with parents your own age is much better as things have changed since she had babies!!

Blahblahblahzeeblah · 05/12/2017 09:34

Ignore MIL. You're doing a great job!

Takeoutyourhen · 05/12/2017 09:38

Whatever you do, don't suddenly snap when under the pressure and tell her to do it herself. Because that is exactly what she wants and that would please her greatly.
Alternatively, let her change the nappies. Baby has done a massive poo? Here you are MIL!

And you need to have your DH on your side, make things clear you are a unit and this is what you are doing.

From my own experience you can only ignore it for so long until it snowballs. I'd start with reducing contact. Good luck!

firawla · 05/12/2017 09:39

Yanbu and as others said, I would reduce the time of seeing her wayyyy down. My mil has tendencies to be like this. She drove me absolutely mad with my 1st. 10 years later and with dc4 now we don’t see much of her - it’s her own fault, I don’t feel guilty about it

teaortequila23 · 05/12/2017 09:39

She’s crazy!
My kids were both breastfed fully but they both got very bad colic so no it’s not cuz she’s formula fed.
I would defo tell her to back off in a nice way but I would just say since I’m her Mum I get final say so yes she will have a dummy. I would also stick it back in her mouth after she takes it out.
Also avoid seeing her as much as possible.
Say your ill, busy or going out.

Allthetuppences · 05/12/2017 09:40

It's not your hormones. She's a control freak. As for changing the wedding? Is he marrying his mother? What kind of adult changes their wedding date because mummy wants a summer wedding? Ridiculous spineless man. I'd definitely be piss taking back. "Yes, but I don't want dc turning out weak willed like your son. Ha ha"

user1493413286 · 05/12/2017 09:43

She sounds awful; everything you’ve done is for the best thing for your baby and what you do is your choice. If your DP won’t say something then I think you need to; grandparents act like grandchildren are their priority but they’ve had their children and brought them up how they want, it’s your turn now

Takeoutyourhen · 05/12/2017 09:46

Just to add, you are doing a brilliant job OP and don't you forget it.

I personally believe that some interfering grandparents are the way they are because they may be trying to make amends for how they actually parented their own children. Just my two cents

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 05/12/2017 09:51

She has knelt next to me and DP many times whilst doing a nappy change to ‘check’ we are doing it correctly, apparently we never do it right!

this would drive me mad. Mil did this with us on day one or two and dd thanked her by literally shooting out poo onto her.

This a million op.

This also applies to us! PILS totally trying to micromanage dh all the time...

Original poster

Sleepdeprived91 · 05/12/2017 09:52

Thanks everyone. It’s horrible when you doubt yourself! I think I’ll definately be going to more baby groups so I can be less available. We normally see her twice a week (both visits uninvited) but I do love walking so I could start taking DD on an after dinner walk so I won’t be there.

I have said back to her a few times ‘she’s fine with a dummy’ and so on but it goes in one ear and out the other. DP has started to get a better idea of how much it annoys me and has said he will say something about it if she says something we wouldn’t like on Christmas Day.

OP posts:

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 05/12/2017 09:54

Your DH is really undermining you saying its hormones, you could equally be childish and say " my hormones or hers - menopause" etc.

You have to make him stand up for you 0- its not acceptable and yes, start to be out when she comes or this will set pattern and routine for every more!

sizenines · 05/12/2017 09:54

DP's attitude is appalling. As far as he is concerned you are not a family yet because he is not supporting you and is just repeating MIL's spiel instead. You might instead think about what you want for the future and how a mummy's little boy for a partner would fit in to that.

Do you have much RL support, OP?

Takeoutyourhen · 05/12/2017 09:55

Enjoy your post dinner walks :)
It would be a lot better if your DH didn't base this behaviours impact on you by waiting to see what and if anything is said on Xmas Day. Xmas Day shouldn't set a benchmark, what about the rest of the time!

Damnthatonestaken · 05/12/2017 10:00

Well, my exclusively breastfed for 1.5 years dd had bad reflux. Your mil ibvu

Elledouble · 05/12/2017 10:01

Fix her with a blank look and say “oh, sorry MIL - for a moment there I thought she was my daughter”.

She sounds like a loon.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/12/2017 10:01

You could start off by asking her to text you before she just turns up. Say that you could be out and don’t want her to make an unnecessary trip

Eeeeek2 · 05/12/2017 10:03

When dd needs changing hand her to mil and pass her the nappy and say you’d better do it because I might not do it right and smile.

paganmolloy · 05/12/2017 10:04

First, your DH needs to grow a set and back you up. Tell him this in no uncertain terms. He is behaving as a weakling because that's the dynamic there has always been with his mother. Whilst you're hormones will never be the same again, he's just using that as an excuse not to confront his mother.

Second, next time she starts, say to her quite simply, 'MIL, I know you're trying to be helpful but have you ever considered that you could be undermining my confidence in parenting with all your constant advice? I'll happily ask for advice if I think I need it, but right now I don't because we're all doing just fine and doing what works for us as a family'

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 05/12/2017 10:09

And actually he was committing a crime, you don't need a protection order to only be a victim of harassment. JFC it's people like you grunpyfrog who are the reason why victims don't speak out.

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