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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate MIL’s ‘advice’?

126 replies

Sleepdeprived91 · 05/12/2017 09:25

I’m a first time mum and I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. My MIL has always been opinionated but I’ve laughed it off but now it’s about my parenting I can’t stand her and think she’s being very rude. My DP says she is just giving advise and her top tips for parenting but I’m not sure. She has said my DD cries because she isn’t BF (she was for 8 weeks but it was too painful), she also had quite severe colic and reflux which she also blames on not being breastfed.

MIL pulls out DD dummy when she sees her because she said she doesn’t want her to have one. DD is also very clingy so co-sleeps for most of the night, MIL has said this is entirely my fault and DD will sleep in her cot if I put her in there, she does start off her night in there but by around 2am she wakes for a feed and won’t sleep again unless in my bed.

She has a strange hold over my DP and has even tried to convince him to change the date of our wedding by 4 Months because she wants us to have a summer wedding.

When I was pregnant she would text me the same baby’s name every week and tell me that’s what it will be called if I gave birth to a boy.

DP doesn’t understand why her comments upset me and that none of it is actually advice but hurtful comments. I try my hardest not to be around her because she makes DP question my parenting. She has knelt next to me and DP many times whilst doing a nappy change to ‘check’ we are doing it correctly, apparently we never do it right!

DP thinks it’s my hormones which are making me hate her advice but I think it’s her comments that are making me feel bad. Have other people felt like this after having a baby? AIBU and she actually is giving advice? Thanks

OP posts:

Frenchmom · 05/12/2017 11:01

It's not your parenting, it's her. My DD had reflux and was breastfed. Also studies have shown that a dummy helps babies with reflux.
Unfortunately I have no advice to dealing with her. Just nod, smile and carry on.

anothernetter · 05/12/2017 11:05

I agree with what many of the others have said on here - put a stop to it now. I didn't with mine and my DH has chosen never to address it. She's now firmly aware that she's queen bee and that she gets her own way so I've gone no contact with her for my own sanity.

hackmum · 05/12/2017 11:06

I think the suggestion that you should let her change nappies is excellent. "MIL, you're so good at changing nappies, I'll let you do this one!"

And repeat, every single time there's a dirty nappy...

Mxyzptlk · 05/12/2017 11:08

She might have a point about the dummy and the sleeping.

MiL has no business taking the child's dummy.

I am a granny. I loathe dummies. My DGD used dummies. I never commented and certainly never thought of taking the dummy from the child.

I breastfed my DS and he had terrible colic. I breastfed my DD and she did not have colic.

Ignore MiL's "advice" as much as possible. Tell her to leave the baby's dummy alone, as soon as you next see her, then physically prevent her from touching it if she tries.

I hope you are not even thinking of changing the date of your wedding to suit her.

RavingRoo · 05/12/2017 11:16

Shout at her once and reep the rewards later when she stops being so batshit. Is your mum / family available? If so start having them over more than your mil comes and make it clear that she will be pushed out completely if she butts in any more.

Originalfoogirl · 05/12/2017 11:22

I might agree with your MIL. I might think she is making very valid points. She might actually be giving some good advice. BUT....

The baby is YOUR daughter. You have made your choices about what works better for her, and for you and that is all that matters. Don’t let anyone shake your belief in your own parenting skills. You need to believe in yourself and remember that you know your girl better than she does.

When it comes to dealing with her, there are a few options. The getting involved and criticising might only be a short term thing. Once they are past baby it does tend to die down with all but the worst offenders. So, if you can grin and bear it, might be worth it for an easy life. It’s a risk though as she might end up being a serial, long term offender.

Or you could try having a friendly chat with her, just explaining that this is what you’ve chosen and whilst you value her advice, could she dial it down a little as it is beginning to over step the mark. If she is a decent person and trying only to help and genuinely thinks she is doing the right thing, she will back off.

Or, be more blatant and hardline about it. “You’re interfering, stop it or we won’t see you as much”

Whatever you choose, it needs to be a united front. Have a chat with your OH and be sure he is happy with the way you are raising her. It could be he is not keen to challenge because he actually agrees with her. Check that first! Once sorted, make sure he knows this is a problem to you and as much as he wants to say nothing, tell him it is a problem to you and he needs to help. Either he talks to her or you will.

One plea though. Don’t choose to do it on Christmas Day. We ended up having the mother of all arguments with his mother on his birthday at a BBQ we had at our house. There were all sorts of things which lead up to it but it was a similar situation, except it was he who initially lost the plot with her not me. Her constant nagging felt like she was undermining him and he didn’t like it. I was letting it wash over me and hadn’t realised it was pissing him off. There was bad feeling for a while and it took a lot for it to come right again. We’re all on a good footing now, although she still gets too involved, trying to “help” our daughter (who has a disability) when she is actually capable herself. This gets on his nerves more than mine, but it also gets on our daughter’s nerves too so we do keep gently reminding MIL that our girl is learning to do things herself. I do wish I had had the nice conversation with her sooner as it was horrible to see how upset she was about the falling out.

Originalfoogirl · 05/12/2017 11:26

To add, I BF and our girl had horrific colic. How I wish she had taken a dummy at that point. She refused and it really made the colic so much harder to deal with! That, and reflux meds are so much easier when bottle feeding!

It was later she was discovered to have a dairy protein intolerance, have you had her looked at for that?

suzy2b · 05/12/2017 11:37

my 2 were both bottle feed no colic or reflux, but do you know how dangerous it is to have the baby in your bed

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/12/2017 11:42

My dd didn’t take a dummy. From when she was about 2, she would sometimes pull them out of the mouths of other kids her age, which was cute because she was doing it to be cheeky and get their attention but could cause upset so best avoided. Is your mil 2?

gillybeanz · 05/12/2017 11:48

It's not your hormones, she sounds terrible.
However, you can only change your behaviour/ reaction to her comments.
Speak to your dh about how much she is upsetting you, I don't suppose it would be so bad if it was advice that you could take or leave, this is just criticism.
I would be firm with her and answer her back each time.
"Where on earth did you hear that rubbish"? "I do say she can have a dummy". "No, the wedding is x date, have you forgotten already"? etc etc etc.
Your dp needs to be with you though and supporting you, he seems swayed atm.
Just put her in her place and maybe hopefully you'll end up with a good relationship with her.

Bluetrews25 · 05/12/2017 11:52

Sympathies, OP
I'd be tempted to get her a Tiny Tears (or similar, whatever they are called these days) baby doll for Christmas, so that could be 'her' baby. (She might never speak to you again! Result!)
Or phone her at 0300 and ask her to come round and change the nappy, as she's so good at it.

'Isn't it funny how advice and ideas change over time, MIL? Smoking was promoted as good for you, back in the day! We go by the latest, researched findings, which are 30 years more up to date than what you did. Perhaps you could look into it, too.'

gillybeanz · 05/12/2017 11:54

Oh, and two of our 3 dc had dummies, one dummy went on xmas tree for FC to take, the other on bonfire. Both dc have been fine and healthy.
However, dd didn't take a dummy and was a thumb sucker, still occasionally now in sleep and she's 13. Obviously she wakes and takes it out, but the instinct is still there, whereas my 26 year old hulk doesn't seek out a dummy
Dd has an overbite and has been under orthodontist for 2 years now.

RhiannonOHara · 05/12/2017 11:58

Tell her no whenever she pulls out your DD's dummy. As you would if talking to a toddler; quietly but firmly.

Tell her you do not require any more of her opinions about co-sleeping.

Tell her to back off when you're doing a nappy change.

But most of all, kick your DP into touch.

Seriously, stop just putting up with it. Don't argue with her; just keep telling her no.

BiddyPop · 05/12/2017 12:07

If it helps, our DD had bad colic and reflux until she was about 8 months old - she was EBF until roughly 4 months (when I went back to work) and had BF and BM in a bottle (I expressed at work) with only a few formula bottles mixed into that until she was 10 months (well - increasing amounts of formula from roughly 7 months but still got a couple of BFs daily until 10 months).

DD also had a dummy at times as she really liked to suck (we think it helped the reflux to be constantly sucking).

paganmolloy · 05/12/2017 12:08

When I was pregnant she would text me the same baby’s name every week and tell me that’s what it will be called if I gave birth to a boy.

That is seriously unhinged. She is a control freak. Nip it in bud with your partner doing the nipping.

KimmySchmidt1 · 05/12/2017 12:10

Try to spend less time with her and ignore her texts. Try to develop an aloofness that sends a message to her that access to her grandchild is on your terms and that you do not like her comments. Avoid an eastenders style rant/screaming match.

Whilst all men have some issues with their mother, and it's often best not to be confrontational, it sounds as if your partner is positively taking her side over yours. Calmly explain to him how that makes you feel and that he does need to be loyal to you - he cannot be a mummy's boy. You are his partner, he has fathered a child with you not her. If he wants to stay a permanent weird little boy and live with mummy that's up to him, but he will have to give up his current life altogether. He can't be your partner and hers.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 05/12/2017 12:18

Try to develop an aloofness that sends a message to her that access to her grandchild is on your terms and that you do not like her comments

IS this fair though? ^^

FizzyWaterAndElderflower · 05/12/2017 12:24

Laugh at her advice - practise some pointed rebuttals if you can - my MIL is lovely, but I've occasionally had to assert myself when she comes out with some weirder stuff.

I have two kids, one was still co-sleeping at 3 (great sleeper, easy bedtimes in his own bed from 3.5 though - like a switch flipped!), and the other couldn't get out of our bed fast enough (in his own before he was 1). It depends so much on the kids, so do what works for you, and don't worry.

Ishouldreallybeworkingg · 05/12/2017 12:25

You have a DP problem as much as a MIL problem. He should be backing you around other people, and vice versa, and then in private you two can talk it over about YOUR child.

Him just seeing what she's doing but never standing up to her just isn't good enough.

Originalfoogirl · 05/12/2017 12:28

IS this fair though? ^^

I don’t think so either. It’s akin to exes using the child as a bargaining tool. As irritating as she is, it’s wrong or stop the child having such a close relationship with her Grandma. And it will lead to resentment.

SandAndSea · 05/12/2017 12:30

She sounds awful!

I used my first, "Did you mean to be so rude?" the other day. It was strangely empowering and the guy apologised!

maddening · 05/12/2017 12:30

Tell dp that if he wants you to tolerate his mother any longer then he must grow a bit of backbone

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 05/12/2017 12:31

It was genuine question. I am not sure if it is fair or not.

When another woman dislikes the mum and undermines her, does she bail out on that relationship?

Luxanna · 05/12/2017 12:58

YANBU but you are being way too nice to her. She's a cheeky mare.

When you see her put her hand out to remove the dummy, block her hand with yours and keep doing it. Add a simple "no" and maybe "this is my child so it's my choice". Keep it simple, you don't need to justify yourself to her. You must stand up for yourself or it will never stop.

If she knelt next to me while changing a nappy, the full one would "accidentally" head in her direction along with a "whoops, sorry, didn't see you there/didn't expect you to be so close seeing as you're not doing it". I do find a bit of shit on their cloths generally makes space invaders back off a ways.

That woman needs to be shown some boundaries.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/12/2017 12:58

You have had some great advice and I do think this is a 'did you mean to be so rude?/I don't find that helpful, I find it undermining & critical' situation but, if you really don't want to tackle her head-on, how about invoking the imaginary health visitor who always agreees with you?
'I've discussed this with my health visitor who says that is quite out-of-date thinking and these days best practice is...". "The GP does not agree with you." etc, etc. Don't let your dp in on the secret.

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