To hate MIL’s ‘advice’?

[Sleepdeprived91]

I’m a first time mum and I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. My MIL has always been opinionated but I’ve laughed it off but now it’s about my parenting I can’t stand her and think she’s being very rude. My DP says she is just giving advise and her top tips for parenting but I’m not sure. She has said my DD cries because she isn’t BF (she was for 8 weeks but it was too painful), she also had quite severe colic and reflux which she also blames on not being breastfed.

MIL pulls out DD dummy when she sees her because she said she doesn’t want her to have one. DD is also very clingy so co-sleeps for most of the night, MIL has said this is entirely my fault and DD will sleep in her cot if I put her in there, she does start off her night in there but by around 2am she wakes for a feed and won’t sleep again unless in my bed.

She has a strange hold over my DP and has even tried to convince him to change the date of our wedding by 4 Months because she wants us to have a summer wedding.

When I was pregnant she would text me the same baby’s name every week and tell me that’s what it will be called if I gave birth to a boy.

DP doesn’t understand why her comments upset me and that none of it is actually advice but hurtful comments. I try my hardest not to be around her because she makes DP question my parenting. She has knelt next to me and DP many times whilst doing a nappy change to ‘check’ we are doing it correctly, apparently we never do it right!

DP thinks it’s my hormones which are making me hate her advice but I think it’s her comments that are making me feel bad. Have other people felt like this after having a baby? AIBU and she actually is giving advice? Thanks

This is a game that can not be won and it's outcome hinges on how deep your OH is in FOG, IMHO. This is a proper thing, it will follow a pattern. My GM bragged about how horrible she could be, my MIL belives she is a wonderful Chrisitan, a DM and even better DGM, they both follow/ed the same script. It really did break my heart to see one simple thing MIL did, exatly the same as my DGM did to me, my first memory of my GM was her asking me a question and befor I could answer turning her back on me, litterally.
The set of books that covers this is called toxic, so toxic parents, inlaws, family. Your OH defends his DM because she brought him up in FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. The term gaslighting explains how misinformation, re writing history and down right lies are used to make you question your own sanity. How deep your OH is in FOG for me be would be very important to me, and whilst he is a victim, he was groomed by his DM from birth, if he wants to remain a victim what life is that? If they join in with the gaslighting to protect their DM, if they can't understand why a bonkers reaction from his DM is bonkers you will spend the rest of MIL's life being on guard to protect your DC from MIL and their own DF. I would recommend reading up on the subject, so you understand what's happening around you, I like the reddit sub JustnoMIL, there is loads of helpful information and links, unlike MN victim blaming is not allowed, and the threads make me feel lucky my MIL lacks the physical energy to be as bad as some of those MILs. Also reading up on narcissists does help work out some of the crazy, they genuinely believe their own lies, just look at Trump, I once actually caught MIL pausing and mumbling, during an argument as she worked out how to re-write the story and then corrected me.
I've been with OH 20 years now, 18 years ago MIL stared me in the eye and told me she always had ice cream (after a restaurant meal), it stuck with me as it was such an odd thing to say, 8 years ago at DS1's first birthday meal she refused to leave the restaurant until she ordered and ate her ice cream, my parents had a long journey home and DS had had enough. Last year MIL wanted to buy the DC's ice cream on the way to buy fish and chips, except she didn't tell us, we were meant to be meeting them at the car to buy tea, just as we get to the car MIL is sat staring at FIL 100 yards down the straight path lit up by blue ambulance lights. She insists to this day he was lost and she couldn't see him, not that she had left him there, waddled off leaving him frozen to the spot (age related medical condition). My point being ice cream consumption has always been more important to her than anything, she can not see that this is no longer appropriate, she is now training up her GD and any gullible family, so now it's MIL says the only GD wants ice cream.

Wow, I wish I could write a bit more compact.

Sorry just to add, you can't win, you won't win, only options are LC or NC. You just need to focus on your OH and hopefully work though it with him, then he can deal with it. I literally drove myself mad this year over MIL, anxiety attacks are scary.

Scaredycat
That’s just weird...

I'm weird I know that , or Toxic is weird, or abandoning your disabled OH to buy ice cream is weird? I did say my MH suffered severely this year as a direct result of MIL's attempts at manipulation.

If someone had knelt on the floor next to me while I was changing a nappy, I think I would have accidentally, while reaching for the wipes, pushed their face into the nappy!

Totally not your hormones, she is really over stepping the mark.
Let your Dp read this thread, he sounds really controlled by her.

Every time she does it, counter it with how it’s been such a LONG time since she’s had a baby and how much the advice has changed. Smile sweetly as you brush off her comments and advice as outdated.
Ugh, I hate it when others try to belittle and make you question your parenting when you are a new mother. Spell it out to DP too, he needs to support you, as you’re the ones raising YOUR baby, not his mother.

Scaredy-cat
I’m talking about your mil insisting on ice cream and abandoning her dh is wierd.

GetOffTheTableMabel good advice from you and so many others.

Scaredycat3000 that is do awful. Putting anything above someone's safety.

She has said my DD cries because she isn’t BF (she was for 8 weeks but it was too painful), she also had quite severe colic and reflux which she also blames on not being breastfed.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I BF DD1 until she was 2.5 years, she SCREAMED for hours and hours and hours and hours you get my drift until she was about 5 months, have colic and reflux, we still bloody cosleep now...

Can you ask MIL why my DD1 did these things please

I’ve got one of these, an absolute pain in the backside with anything to do with our son. Honestly, you need to reduce contact with her for your own sanity. First time motherhood is hard enough without having criticism from within the family. It took me a while to get that but now I very rarely see PIL when they visit and we don’t visit them except at Christmas. Instead on the rare occasions that they are invited over my DH will ‘entertain’ them with DS. DH has perfected the art of zoneing out with them brilliantly so half the time he doesn’t even remember their batshit viewpoints so it’s happy days all round. What has been key for us to work this is that my DH understands and supports my viewpoint on his parents. He doesn’t necessarily agree with all my views on them (likewise he about my folks) but he does respect how I feel about them and that I don’t want to be around them because they previously eroded my confidence. If he hadn’t then I can see that would be a major stumbling block in my relationship with him.

YANBU.
Sounds like you are doing a fab job. Get out and about to groups where you can meet like those on this thread who can reassure you / moan about their MIL, too! Good times! Stay strong and go with the "parenting advice has changed sooo much in the last few years, why don't you register on MN! 😁"

YANBU in the slightest
My MIL was the same a serious case of the baby crazies made me very ill in the end
I still dont know what gets into them

Your doing great!
Next time she kneels down while your doing a nappy change accidentally ( on purpose) throw it in her face

Scardycat great post, interesting how you say victim blaming goes on here.

Christ. You deserve a medal. She is horrific. My DD is 5 months old and exclusively BF and had TERRIBLE reflux so put that in MIL's pipe and tell her to smoke it. Your DP needs to tell her to back off. She isn't helpful she's rude and ignorant to your feelings and it sounds like DP is too. He needs to stick up for you. You are a bloody saint putting up with this, you honestly deserve a medal for not screaming at her and banning her from your life!! Have some gin or wine tonight! You deserve it!!! Xx

Do we have the same MIL?

Mine also blames DD's reflux on me not BF. And mentions something five times a day in the hope I will then action her demand. It's tiring and each time I just complain to DH who eventually (after much complaining) tells her to pack it in. But it's hard work.

What a frightful woman... my all time favourite reply in these circumstances is "Please do not interfere with my parenting of my child while I am having to sort out your parenting disasters of yours!"

Your baby, your choices. Tell her to toddle off

Yanbu. Sounds like your MIL is bang out of order. She has had her chance to raise children, this is yours. Please never believe anyone who tells you your baby won't sleep through alone because of something you have done/failed to do. It's rubbish. I used to blame myself for my DC1 not sleeping alone, but it was just his nature - he didn't like being alone! I only knew this for sure when DC2 came alone and was a great sleeper. Trust your instincts and carry on caring for your baby your way. Don't let MIL undermine your confidence.

next time she starts, say to her quite simply, 'MIL, I know you're trying to be helpful but have you ever considered that you could be undermining my confidence in parenting with all your constant advice? I'll happily ask for advice if I think I need it, but right now I don't because we're all doing just fine and doing what works for us as a family' 100% this!

I was going to say please don't worry, you are doing great. It is hard to stand up to know it all MIL's when it's your first born, the battle i had over the baby constantly being put to sleep on it's side 'no mil it's not how they do it now' 'it worked in my day' etc She sounds like a very interfering cow. When she comes over why don't you go and have a nice bath so it's just her precious son who has to listen to it? and if it's getting too much make an excuse for her not to be with you so much. If you can say what pagan said though she might start thinking about her behaviour! [flower]

Zev Victim blaming isn't prevalent on this thread, which is rare on MN, there is often a group of posters who often really go for an OP with the fixed idea that the MIL should be allowed to do as they want.
Thanks mummy, MN can be a weird place.
Italian The next day as we got out of the car she ran off with the dc and left FIL with me, no problem at all, until I looked up and she had her back to the dc, they were a long distance further on from her near the edge of a large lake with no barriers. Never again.

Defiantly spend less time around her!

You have my sympathy. I had exactly the same problem. You are younger and being polite and she is walking all over both of you and making you argue. He is not supporting you. You are clearly dreading Christmas with her. You know how she operates now. So prepare some firm statements. eg. when she kneels down to watch nappies. "Please don't stand behind me checking for mistakes. That is not helpful. I can change the nappy myself thank you" and so on when she takes the dummy out and critiicses you. as other poster said have a statement prepared "Please do not do that again. I want her to have a dummy and that is that." if she argues. "I have said very clearly I want her to have a dummy and I am not prepared to discuss this any further. Thankyou. " After a while you will get better and better at this. You will be told that you are rude. "She has been rude to me for months. I am politely setting boundaries." You will be told that you are not being "nice" - "I am looking after my baby's best interests. It is nothing to do with being "nice"". and so on. Have these prepared and say them. Rinse and repeat. Very best of luck.

Courtesy of Outnumbered: Does your advice line never close?

I’d laugh next time and say “I can’t trust your advice, look at how poor wimpy (insert DP’s name) has turned out!”

Awful situation. Wouldn’t it be nice if just once our parents/in laws said “you’re doing so well, you’re a natural”