To hate MIL’s ‘advice’?

[Sleepdeprived91]

I’m a first time mum and I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. My MIL has always been opinionated but I’ve laughed it off but now it’s about my parenting I can’t stand her and think she’s being very rude. My DP says she is just giving advise and her top tips for parenting but I’m not sure. She has said my DD cries because she isn’t BF (she was for 8 weeks but it was too painful), she also had quite severe colic and reflux which she also blames on not being breastfed.

MIL pulls out DD dummy when she sees her because she said she doesn’t want her to have one. DD is also very clingy so co-sleeps for most of the night, MIL has said this is entirely my fault and DD will sleep in her cot if I put her in there, she does start off her night in there but by around 2am she wakes for a feed and won’t sleep again unless in my bed.

She has a strange hold over my DP and has even tried to convince him to change the date of our wedding by 4 Months because she wants us to have a summer wedding.

When I was pregnant she would text me the same baby’s name every week and tell me that’s what it will be called if I gave birth to a boy.

DP doesn’t understand why her comments upset me and that none of it is actually advice but hurtful comments. I try my hardest not to be around her because she makes DP question my parenting. She has knelt next to me and DP many times whilst doing a nappy change to ‘check’ we are doing it correctly, apparently we never do it right!

DP thinks it’s my hormones which are making me hate her advice but I think it’s her comments that are making me feel bad. Have other people felt like this after having a baby? AIBU and she actually is giving advice? Thanks

Oops wrong thread

Tell her to get stood on.

She has a "strange hold" over her son. I am aware that he is an adult but can you not see , now that YOU are a mother, how important that relationship is. When your gorgeous baby is grown up she will still listen to you, still want your advice, still want to be around you - if not then you will have done a crap job.

She may be right about some things. I wish I had listened to my MiL and my Mum more when I had my first, (certainly about sleeping). I mostly did it my way but it was trial and error - they had experience - and once I'd had my second I realised how useful experience was!!!!

You are feeling vulnerable and a bit at sea as most of us did when we had a new baby. She is maybe a bit heavy-handed and you dislike her as a person - but swing with it, accept her advice, think about it, thank her and do what you think works best for you and your family.

She's not giving advice though, she's blaming you personally for everything she thinks is being done wrong or every momentary unhappiness/grumpiness your tiny baby expresses. It's undermining and rude. I would spend much much less time with her and try and pull her up on her unhelpful comments.

You have my sympathy OP as it is horrible to feel undermined.

I'm currently pregnant with baby number two and I am finding my MIL quite hard work all
Over again which has made me realise that when I am pregnant or with a young baby I am definitely more sensitive to what she says as prior to getting pregnant again it just didn't bother me I ignored it. I know this but it still hurts at the moment and makes my blood boil at times!!

However in your case there are certain things that you just don't say when it's not your baby. It's not her decision to make with the dummy. My MIL does the same thing and takes it out of my daughters mouth or if we send a picture of her with a dummy in she replies and says to take it out. I know it's because she loves my daughter but it makes me angry and feel like I'm being told off.

First time round my husband was very like yours by the sound of it but when he realised it made me feel crap he did start to listen and actually agree that I know our baby best and that what I say goes.

Have an honest conversation with him and say how hard it is being a Mum first time round as you second guess yourself anyway.

As for your MIL I would just be as calm as you can and when she gives unsolicited advice I would be inclined to say that as much as you appreciate it this is the way you have both decided to do things and it works for you.

Good luck!!

YANBU, she is behaving unreasonably.

Your real issue is with your DH, though. If he were onside and supporting you, this would bother you less. Look up FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - and see if his behaviour fits it.

Mirai there is a difference between supportive and helpful advice - which generally should only be solicited, not imposed on someone, and this controlling and critical behaviour by this woman.

OP your MIL sounds like she has always controlled your DH and is trying to continue this on to the next generation. Maybe your dh sees this as normal behaviour because he has been conditioned by her to see it as normal. And it really, really isn’t. As well as being shit advice it’s really not acceptable to undermine new parents by imposing your views on them.
Tbh you know your child better than she does. You really need your dh to stand up to her and present a united front. No MIL, you are entitled to your views but WE do it this way. And repeat BOTH of you, every single time.

She might have a point about the dummy and the sleeping.

You both need to be a lot stronger - this is not going to get better and will actually get a whole lot worse when the child realises that Gran/Granny/Nan is prepared to go against you.

I have said back to her a few times ‘she’s fine with a dummy’ and so on but it goes in one ear and out the other

You need to say: 'GIVE HER BACK HER DUMMY NOW. THAT IS NOT YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE'.

You are not being unreasonable, it's not your hormones, it sounds like your mil is overstepping the mark and needs to realise you are the mum and you'll do things your way thank you very much. If you see no improvement just start to reduce contact with her. Your husband needs to realise how she's making you feel and have your back.

I've had mil issues myself along similar lines, being over invested and trying to control my husband to an extent. My mil behaved bat shit crazy to be honest when I had our first child, we ended up reducing contact. We've had another baby since who is now 5months old, I've just kept her at arms length, I feel much happier this time around. Mil obviously stropped but hey!

You are doing a fab job, stick to your guns, it's hard being a first time mum at the best of times.

She is not giving advice. She is criticizing you. Stand up to her. Tell her that you are not interested in her opinions.

I've got batshit in-laws and a dh who doesn't really stand up to them - he says he has 36 years' practice ignoring them and I only have 6 which is why I find it harder. But I have resolved the problem by standing up to them myself - if they piss me off, I tell them so in no uncertain terms. Life is so much easier now and I don't dread seeing them anymore although I think dh now dreads me seeing them. Don't be a victim - get it sorted!

Hold on tight - the MIL rollercoaster never ends 😖
Mine once told me that me and her DS would never have any troubles as long as I never ever said no when he instigated sex

Erm.... Fu*k off u creepy witch

You're doing a great job ! 🌸
She may mean well, but in my opinion sounds somewhat controlling.
When she next puts her spoke in, I would thank her for her advice, then pick baby up, and leave the room, or go for a walk, every time, until she stops. If she takes baby's dummy out, say ' Not that old chestnut", and put it back in, with a smile.

CANCEL THE WEDDING!!!

Also start giving MiL some advice of your own.

MIL here's a book on etiquette and how not to be a raging bitch.

What is it with men and their mothers? Mine's the same. His mother can't do any wrong in his eyes. From my experience he will not change and if you plan to keep seeing this woman then you need to be very firm with with her and put a stop to it. She will drive you mad otherwise. I had PND after my first baby and looking back it was all down to his awful bloody mother. Next time she starts spouting her catch her off guard and tell her that you are fed up of her being so rude about your parenting choices. She needs reminding that you are the mum not her and she needs to back off. These early months are so precious - don't let this awful woman ruin it for you OP x

Mine tried to tell me when we should have our next child, she felt a 4 year age gap would be ideal and advised us to avoid having one sooner. I really enjoyed informing her not long after that we were expecting our son, 18 month age gap . Talk about trying to control her son haha! Sorry don't mean to derail your thread!

Sleepdeprived91 please speak to your dp and explain his mum is undermining you. Whether it bother him or not is irrelevant - it is bothering you.

I love dummies, but then my dd did not have one and still sucks her thumb occasionally at 13! Stick up for what you want. Do not allow your mum to remove the dummy.

The date of the wedding is your choice, together, you and dp, not his mother's choice. Just be really clear.

If she tries the texting name thing ever again, ever, I would tell her to stop, and if she doesn't, I would block her.

If she tries to sit in on your nappy changes ask her politely to move away. If she doesn't move away just say "MIL, I am finding your behaviour very frustrating/annoying/oppressive, your choice of word.... if you can't stop interfering I will be forced to see a lot less of you." Go broken record, seriously, just be clear. "This behavior is over bearing and is effecting my relationship with you."

I would also say get this sorted before the wedding. Your dp needs to know YOU and YOUR CHILD are his number one priority, not his mum. He needs to cut the apron strings and step up and be there for you. Just tell him. Otherwise I think you will have to face this for years and years.

'Please stop saying these things. I know you think your way is the best but I disagree with you. I am the parent, it is my right to parent as I see fit. I appreciate you think you are trying to help, but I just disagree with you. When you keep repeating these things it is damaging our relationship. Please stop saying them'. And repeat every single time she tries to do it again. Broken record technique.

Your DP should listen to you - his mother is definitely undermining you and being far too overbearing. Her "advice" is not advice, it's dictating to you how you should bring up YOUR DD. YOURs, not hers. She needs to back the fuck off and let you do things YOUR way with YOUR baby.

As an aside - have you had your DD checked for tongue tie? It might be a reason why a) breastfeeding was so painful and b) why she's still refluxy now - she might be gulping air. Does she make a tongue-clicky noise while sucking? Just a thought, anyway.

Your DP needs to get on board with your parenting - having an older woman be this fucking dictatorial and rude to you is very dispiriting and can make you doubt your skills and possibly even contribute to depression. Make him understand that you might be learning, but you need to learn and do it your way, not his mother's way.

Yanbu. If anything you have been to reasonable.

I'm sure it won't be the first time she's heard she's over opinionated. Tell her to back off as direct as you can. Cheeky cow.

MIL pulls out DD dummy when she sees her because she said she doesn’t want her to have one.

Bloody hell! The rest of it is appalling too but actually physically reaching in and interfering is so far over the line that I would be losing all my inhibitions at that point. Take the dummy back, give it back to DD (or supply her with a fresh one) and pin MIL with a gimlet eye and say "NO. You do not make decisions about my baby. If you cannot keep your hands and opinions to yourself you are not welcome to visit." Yes harsh but as others have said she is one of these MILs who has absolutely zero sensitivity to either your or your DDs feelings, so extreme measures are called for. And others are right it will only get worse if you don't draw some very, very clear lines in the sand, with or without DP on board.

As for him, she has a hold over him because he's grown up with her controlling behaviour and learned to pander to it, and I speak as someone with a similar mother and it took me years to break free mentally. You can't do it overnight, but I think you can spell out very clearly to him that you, at least, are an an adult and have the right to make parenting decisions - obviously as long as they are sensible and safe, which they are. If he thinks it's OK for his mum to bully and undermine you like that, tell him to ask a few friends with DC how they'd feel about their MIL doing that.

And I agree with PPs you are doing great. You BF for 8 weeks despite it being painful - you've given DD a great benefit. You are giving her the love and affection she needs, and a clingy colicky baby may need extra. First-time parents may not always do perfect nappy changes (though by 6 months you probably do) but that is totally irrelevant compared to your baby getting your love and interaction.

Your MIL is needy and controlling and her behaviour is all about her needs, it has nothing to do with DD's best interests. Show her exactly where you stand.

...is she quite all there?

And remember, advice is for when you don't know what to do, not for when you know what you're doing just fine but someone doesn't agree.

Christ in heaven, don't follow her advice; follow your instincts, or you'll only regret it!

Great advice Pannacott. "And repeat every single time she tries to do it again."

Lots of great advice on here.

I get this. It's minimised as helpful advice but when it's relentless like this there's an undertone that your child does these things because your inadequate as a mother.

I had the opposite from my DGM - everything that was possibly wrong with DS was because I breastfed & didn't bottle feed or wean him to solids ridiculously early. He didn't sleep and that was my fault, if he cried it was because I was making him clingy, blah blah blah. I eventually had a serious conversation with her that she keeps her opinions to herself and if I want advice I'll ask. But I had to threaten to stop coming around with DS. Your DP needs to have that conversation with her asap.