To hate MIL’s ‘advice’?

[Sleepdeprived91]

I’m a first time mum and I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. My MIL has always been opinionated but I’ve laughed it off but now it’s about my parenting I can’t stand her and think she’s being very rude. My DP says she is just giving advise and her top tips for parenting but I’m not sure. She has said my DD cries because she isn’t BF (she was for 8 weeks but it was too painful), she also had quite severe colic and reflux which she also blames on not being breastfed.

MIL pulls out DD dummy when she sees her because she said she doesn’t want her to have one. DD is also very clingy so co-sleeps for most of the night, MIL has said this is entirely my fault and DD will sleep in her cot if I put her in there, she does start off her night in there but by around 2am she wakes for a feed and won’t sleep again unless in my bed.

She has a strange hold over my DP and has even tried to convince him to change the date of our wedding by 4 Months because she wants us to have a summer wedding.

When I was pregnant she would text me the same baby’s name every week and tell me that’s what it will be called if I gave birth to a boy.

DP doesn’t understand why her comments upset me and that none of it is actually advice but hurtful comments. I try my hardest not to be around her because she makes DP question my parenting. She has knelt next to me and DP many times whilst doing a nappy change to ‘check’ we are doing it correctly, apparently we never do it right!

DP thinks it’s my hormones which are making me hate her advice but I think it’s her comments that are making me feel bad. Have other people felt like this after having a baby? AIBU and she actually is giving advice? Thanks

Just to add. You may have to have similar statements prepared for DH. He hasn't learnt to set boundaries with her yet. If she is prepared to be nice, be nice back. If she criticizes you - you have to ask her, very plainly, to stop. DH might think that what you are expecting at Xmas is for him to have an argument with her. He's learnt by experience that standing up to her is difficult but It's not an argument that you want. You want him to step in at the appropriate time with similar calm but firm statements. If he sees you doing this first, he might get the hint that it's possible to do this and survive. If you get cold shoulder, actually that will be a relief.

She is deliberately being a cow and is dressing it up as advice. She should be grateful that you have enabled her to have a grandchild.

Just say MIL its my way or the highway and start singing "I did it my way".

I wouldn't marry your DP until your DP/MIL problem has been addressed and resolved.

Right now, you have a problem with both of them. MIL is completely overstepping, controlling and out of order, and your DP is backing her up instead of you.

Not on. He is supposedly marrying you and is supposed to hav eyour back. YOu are not hormonal. Your are understandably fed up with her failure to acknowledge boundaries and her incredibly overreaching rude, controlling behaviour.

This will not get better just because you marry him. It might even get worse: he'll say you knew what you were getting into. Because you do! Sort it now, sort it now, sort it now. Or don't tie yourself to him.

Not got much advice to add that hasn’t already been on here- but as you already know reflux has bugger all to being breastfeeding or bottle fed but a dummy can really help as the sucking helps the movement to be downwards counteracting the acid rising - a bit of medical advise that could help to stop a bit of interference!

I feel your pain Feedmebacon. My MIL criticised my parenting skills for years. I no longer speak to her due to others reasons too now & my husband has finally grown a back bone & told her she's completely unreasonable. Every time she came to ours she'd criticise anything she could & tell me how I should be doing things. Completely took over one night & put my children to bed herself, they were up too late apparently. My youngest was nearly 6 months old & she took her off me & put her to bed. Informed me that controlled crying was the best option & to not go to her. I cried. When I was 8 months pregnant, I had no milk in the house in the evening & she made me walk to the shop with her to make my husband & FIL a cup of tea. I suffered with terrible sickness throughout my pregnancy & barely managed to eat properly without throwing up. My husband should rest after a long day at work so I had to do it apparently. I should get up at 4/5 o'clock every day, clean my house, meal prep, look after children & have them asleep by 6pm so I can then go to the supermarket & get all the late night offers on they have a 7pm. Every day. She came round uninvited, told me to get rid of all my baby clothes. I found out I was pregnant 5 months later with a girl. All of them clothes would have come in handy as we couldn't afford to get new all over again. She's a bully in my eyes & thrives off of making other people feel inadequate about themselves. I finally had enough & we had a blazing row. I couldn't take it anymore. We are not on speaking terms at all. She has openly told me that my children are brats & has nothing more to do with them. On my daughter's birthday, she didn't acknowledge her at all (husband spoke to her & she saw the children at this point) & went & got married in secret to her long term partner. Apparently they didn't know it was their granddaughters birthday. The woman that moaned at me constantly for not having a calendar & not writing everything down. Even got me one for Christmas one year with the whole families birthdays already written on it. I called bullshit. And months later, my husband phoned for a conversation about paying money back he owed her. Her reply, don't worry, we've sold your daughters limited edition collection dolls that you wanted us to look after until she was older. That was the decider. She has nothing to do with our children at all & my husband has taken a major step back. He loves his mum but is happy to put, and I believe should, our children first. Don't wait until you resent her for making you feel bad about your parenting. Make it clear to your husband about what you expect from him. I had countless arguments with my husband until he realised that our family is what comes first & we were making a family & a home. Not including his mother. Hope it all works out. It's only the children that suffer in the end if it turns to resentment on both sides.

I'm shocked that your MiL talks to you like that. The only bit of parenting advice I've given my daughter and DiL is to show them how to change boys nappies without the danger of being peed on, it uses both the clean and wet nappy and was devised after 2 boys of my own. I've never commented on feeding or dressing or sleeping and I would expect an grandmother to do the same she is letting us down, grannies that is

No, don't say you need her help. She will take it seriously , as an admission that you don't know what you're doing. That's the last thing you need.

Love the idea of justifying your actions by saying the health visitor/gp advises you to do xyz... .

Your mil sounds interfering, although I do,think some older’s generation advice is a way of justifying how they parented. However, doen’t Justify continuing to criticise.

You are doing a great job with your baby.

I agree you should not marry this man until he learns how to defend you and understands why this isn't on.

Crikey she sounds like a loon - a nasty one at that. She's trying to undermine you: give back as good as you get. My MIL was a bit like this but my DH supported me completely. I stopped being available for her unsolicited visits (I hid) - if she wants to see your DD make DP do the visit. Nip it in the bud now or you're in for a life of grief. And tell your DP to decide where his loyalties lie.

Sounds like my mum when I first had my little girl.

Repeat after me "oh wow, things really have changed in the last x years - I read the other day they used to make pregnant ladies eat liver but now we have to avoid it as it is dangerous for the fetus!" change the fact each time.

It quickly made my mum feel old and shut up. All her advice was old or just wrong. My mum has control issues too and has a way to make me feel crap.

You are being awesome but your partner needs a kick up the butt and shown this thread. He probably doesn't realize that his poor behavior has been beaten into him so this should be a wake up call that he behavior is wrong and that things need to change.

Ask her if her MIL was like..... ask if she was an overbearing naggy cow...

DP has started to get a better idea of how much it annoys me and has said he will say something about it if she says something we wouldn’t like on Christmas Day

Why not until Christmas Day? Is that because he knows its unacceptable but doesn't want to do anything? PPs are right, you need to sort this before you get married.

A mother's place is in the wrong and everyone feels entitled to tell you what to do. However when its close family its harder to shake off criticism. My MiL used to tell me that DC1 screamed and had colic because he was breastfed. I had HG and she used to ring DH to ask if he was coping (was I cooking him proper meals etc and ironing his shirts which was quite funny considering he cooked more and I don't iron). Sometimes she would remember to ask how I was before ringing off.

I always tried to nod, smile and ignore advice that didn't make me want to scream but for really screaming advice your DP needs to support you more. Broken record technique can also help. Coaching your DP to do the same might also help. Has she always been like this or is it just since the baby was born?

My husband was so used to his Mum, like a previous poster said, that he didn't notice the insults that came with everything she said. Let him know how it makes you feel and he will take your side. My husband asked me to put up with her for his sake but to think of her as the little old lady. It helped that although he doesn't notice the negativity himself that he is on my side. We did move far far away closer to my parents for the support I needed. If you plan to stay put, you need your husband to talk to his Mum.

Yanbu 🤬 What a misogynistic twat for blaming hormones!

Obviously your MIL is full of shit and your husband should be telling her to mind her own.

Just because a woman has had a baby or two, it doesn't mean that they are a good mum. I know that it seems like that from first time parents points of view but ir sounds like you're doing a fab job. If you find the confidence, you should put the dummy back in your baby's mouth and say that you make these decisions and don't need her monitoring your parenting. There's a wonderful site called YouTube that will show you how to swaddle or whatever you don't know. Tell MIL that things are different in 2017 or whatever smart comeback you can think of. Not doing it now is just going to make her behaviour escalate even before your baby is old enough to have an opinion on what she's doing.
Your problem is your h more than MIL. When your baby becomes an opinionated toddler who's side do you think he'll take?

unfortunately you need to make him see how it undermines you - no its not your hormones. Its your baby, maybe say to him I am getting really upset by this and you need to stand by me (its our child not hers). He probably wont do anything if it is anything like my experience, so you have to stand up to her or just cry hysterically (at her) and see how that gets you. I had the opposite MIL called me selfish for breastfeeding and tried to sneak a dummy into DD so I know how you feel.

YANBU OP. Your MIL sounds like an evil bitch. As long as your baby is happy, that's all that matters. Just ignore your MIL.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be able to resist nitpicking her parenting either.

"Do you really think you should be micromanaging your adult son that way? You're probably the reason why he hasn't done better in his career given that you've not taught him how to stand up for himself"
BRILLIANT... !!! SAY THIS, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. She is a rude old cow, and he is a soggy biscuit. I am ENRAGED for you love! xxxx

I gave up BF because of reflux and never looked back - was by far the best thing for both of us. IMO the only people who have a say in what you do (e.g. Dummies) are the people who look after the baby day to day i.e. you & your partner - it is no-one else's place, and as earlier posts, MIL has already had her turn. Stick to your guns now so as to avoid further problems in future (you don't want her choosing schools etc!) good luck and have courage in your own opinions because they are the ones that count

MIL does seem a bit overbearing but you may be a tad oversensitive to her remarks and behaviour. Try and ignore what she says and just carry on with what you are doing. There are loads of folk out there who have the same ideas as MIL on rearing children and it is Very unlikely that you will manage to change MIL views without a massive fall out. Drop the occasional "oh how views on childcare have changed over all those years". Do your own thing get views of other mums to back you up and give you confidence that you are doing fine.

Crazy crazy crazy. She’s in the wrong. Her comments ARE hurtful and NOT helpful. You sound saintly for being so calm till now. Your comment about her checking that you were changing the nappy correctly (for the last 6 months -I think you know your way around a nappy by now) reminded me of when I was having my third baby. My mother was staying over so she could mind my two children in case my labour started. And it started at 2:30am. By 3 we were leaving the house (it was moving fast) and so woke my mother who came in to check that it was really time for me to go, in case we were jumping the gun. Eh hello? This was my THIRD delivery, I think I know my way around back to back contractions, thanks. Ffs. They cannot let go of the idea that they know more than you. Baby was out just before 5am, I’m glad we left when we did. 🙄
Sorry to have wandered, but in all seriousness, speak to your DP and explain how hurtful the comments are. Men are a bit slow when it comes to the subtleties of female interactions.

Her harping on about breastfeeding is a nasty act.

Stay strong OP, you sound like a great mum.

Get your DP apron strings cut! Fgs!
He definitely has to stick up for you now! She's sounds awful. Nobody should be riding rough shod over a new mum. If you can get it sorted before Xmas all well and good if not I'd be tempted to have Xmas as a family unit sans in-laws!
#Whythesnoring.... WTAF??? That's the weirdest mil thing I've ever heard! There are so many questions but mostly HOW WOULD SHE KNOW????? 😲

Next time she takes the dummy out of your baby’s mouth tell her that the sucking reflex is very strong and babies that don’t breastfeed have to have something to suck on. It’s related to the proper development of the jaw and really important. That should shut her up.